Hi everyone. I'm a video maker, brony, pokemaster, writer, and lover. I'm 20 and love ponies. Check out my stuff.
Trixie returns to Ponyville, and brings a friend along for the ride. But with this new friend, will the trust of the main six be put to the test?
Author's Note: This story happens in-between Boast Busters and Magic Duel. Also, picture is placeholder until I get a better one.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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While grammatically correct, your prose felt very 'wooden' at times. It felt like a young reader's novel at times with how blunt everything was moving. The pacing was fine, but the writing feels... forced. It's hard to describe, really. I think that the matter could be easily fixed if you were to pepper your story with imagery and descriptions.
700745
I'm writing this fanfic in the prose of feeling like an episode. It will naturally feel childish to read, since it's made in the sense kids would read it. I thank you for the criticism :)
700767
Ah, I see! Good on you for trying out a different style!
Might I suggest reading some older fairy tales or short stories though? There's a certain way that children's authors pull in their readers, and that's through a vibrant use of language, even if it is a tad simplistic. It is difficult though, so I wish you the best of luck.
700782
I will try that, thank you. Also, this is only part one out of two. I just need to finish part two.
*the part where you realize spike and Trixie are making the exact same facial expression in their tag icons.*
On topic: I'm interested in seeing how this turns out.
so...princess celestia is going to be a showmare for awhile. interesting.