PROOF READERS WANTED! Leave a comment if interested!
Imagine for a moment that you live in a world where everything feels right, where you live every day happily and harmoniously.
Now take all of that away.
With Discord victorious, Twilight Sparkle is forced to leave Equestria, alone, for the real world beyond, where blood is shed and lives are lost on a daily basis, where friendships are broken faster than they're made. Even with her family by her side, Twilight can't help but feel that every step from home is another step into a increasingly cruel reality.
Chapters (4)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH..........SHIT! You got the Elements of Disharmony in this, don't you? Along with their creator Discord (my second favorite villian) oh I am so bucking gamed for this story, hell yeah! I really like to see how this plays out be although you don't have any spelling errors, you do have a very large wall of text that should be corrected, five lines to a paragraphs my friend, remember that then separate. I can't wait to see this shit!
Also, am I the only one that has: Art of the dress by Rarity stuck in my head?
1577499
I won't lie to you, I'm not using the elements of disharmony because they're a silly idea (harmony could quite easily be seen as disharmony by someone like Discord). This story is very much psychologically based around Twilight and focusses on what real life could be like opposed to the make-believe world that the show has given us.
Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying it and thanks for the feedback. I shall work on correcting that asap.
I'm very suprised that Oblivion ( Element of Non-Magic and dark half to Twilight Sparkle, also a member of the Elements of Dishamrony) is working with Twilight, I had thought once all Dark Elements were together they would have brought chaos and ruin to the entire land but it seems they have seprated...how odd.
Yet as it is, I'm very impressed by this chapter bu I still noticed a wall of text, be sure to seprate the paragraphs when able. Discord is such a awesome bad ass monster, makes me wonder why he is doing such dark deeds towards the Princesses. And Candence is a goddess...why is she not helping?
NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really wanted to see the Elements of Disharmony, they are the fail-safe to Harmony itself, Disord won, he created the Dark Elements and Oblivion herself is in place of Twilight (the Dark Elements take the apperance and if they need to voice of the Elements of Harmony themselves) and for some reason is working with Twilight...which is still odd because Oblivion is cold, cruel and completely emotionless, perfering to be blunt and in many cases rude to get her point across, but unlike Twilight will not use her magic unless ordered to by only Hatred (Element of Cruelty, dark half of Fluttershy and leader of the Elements of Disharmony) alone.
The least you could do is have Oblivion speak to Twilight in her mind and talk to her when she looks into a mirror or pool or ect, once in a while....one can't just get rid of the dark halves of the Elements of Harmony as such, even more so if Discord has taken over the land.
I still really enjoy this but I want to see the others as well (Harmony and Disharmony) as this story goes on...it will be badass!
But I see your point, a real world view, still...everyone has their demons, or darkness.
1579613
Um...sorry, but you're going on headcanon way too much. As far as the story goes, there're no elements of harmony and there's no Oblivion. There may be one in another story, but there won't be in this one.
Also, in proper grammar, looked up earlier, there is no limit to how long a paragraph is. I have proofreaders working on this and trust me, there isn't anything wrong with the length of my paragraphs. New paragraphs should only be placed when they're due.
1579778 Headcanon agreed but that's what I saw in the episode The Return of Harmony part one and two not sure about everyone else though but I like looking at dark verisons of 'heroes' everyone has them.
As for the paragraphs just be sure to seprate them, five lines to one paragraph then press enter, you know? It's hard to read it the way it is...feels like a wall of text which no one wants when reading brother.
Despise the Elements of Disharmony not being in this story, I like where this is going, Discord won, there are not many stories such as that, that I seen so I'm liking this...I'll be awaitng more, Ace.
1579882
There is no change in characters in The Return of Harmony. Just their personality. That's like calling a girl called Jenifer Amy when it's that time of the month. The elements are still the elements of harmony and they just didn't work because there was no feeling of unity between them.
For the record, talking headcanon with others can easily make them confused.
Sorry, but no, text walls are not incorrect grammar, 5 lines to a paragraph is tiny and unspecific, seeing as there's no given way to tell what size font is being used. Really, check your sources on that because it's entirely wrong.
I shall continue working my way through the next chapter then. I'll try not to keep you waiting for too long.
1579882 I have no idea where you're getting this five lines to a paragraph thing from. As patronising as this is going to sound, try reading some real books. You'll see that paragraphs comes in all sizes, dependant on theme, style and content. And no spaces; I know FIMFiction tends to towards using line-spaces, but it's very lazy formatting. Print books don't use indents with no spacing just because there're saving space, they do it because it's space efficient and line breaks are unnecessary in a well written story unless they are serving a narrative function (like scene breaks).
You're welcome to your opinion, of course, but please do not throw it around as if it was fact and confuse aspiring authors.
-Scott 'Inquisitor' Mence
1579882 I like your idea. sounds kinda awesome :D
The story itself is nice written, but you really need some proofreaders, I would like to help you with that, if thats okay, I mean
1621410
Thank you, that's a generous offer. I can't get enough people to read and give me feedback, but I have a brilliant editor as it is. It would be nice to take you up on this offer, but only for feedback on flow and general points of the story opposed to actual technical problems like spelling, grammar and story structure: I already have somebody more than qualified to take that on. I'd be happy if you just kept an eye on the story as I posted and let me know what you thought of the story continuations, the flow of the writing and anything else that generally irks you.
Again, thank you for the kind offer
And here we....go!
The fact that both the Goddesses mother aided Luna in gaining her dark power back is a shock itself, whose side is she on? Does she just want to see all the Gods destroy the mortals and kill one another? You have my full attention, shit. Poor Discord had to watch his love one die and yet he is....happy about it....something is wrong, and the Elements of Harmony can't defeat two Gods at once.....shit, war......is going to happen apron the land
What of Spike? Will the Crystal Savior (Spike's title I'd given him after defeating Sombra, feel free to us it anytime) finally get a chance to fight....but whose side is he on?
Damn...I'm hooked