- Member Since 27th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen Oct 25th, 2014
drnachos
Hi. I mostly write human in euquestria fics. Even though there are many out there I really like them. I love mlp and I'm a sworn borny.
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a bit to short as such i cant rate it but still very interesting, tracking
Fallout/Futurama? Might be worth my attention. Procede.
*Reads the description*
What I think REALLY happened.
More shall come soon.
Like the person said in the last chapter, good plot, but too short and rushed...
short but good
keep uo the good work!
I haven't read it yet, and please forgive the
, but is it Fry?
I like it so-far.
Well, word use seems to be the biggest problem in this story.
Also a bit of realisim needs to take place here 19 TRILLION?! srsly? C'mon ten billion is a realistic number here.
But otherwise a good plot.
Also spelling.
well the U.S is getting more agressive in the 'small' tussle over syria so when the true peaceful nations (Russia, China and the others who are actually trying to stop the U.S and E.U from claiming land in the middle east and also are wising up to the so called 'missile shield' being built on europe facing Russia which can easily be turned into an offencive weapon BTW)beat the americans and europeans i bet the U.S will resort to nuking the world.
if anyone wants to see my sources for ^ just ask.(sarcasam begins) oh and the internet sensorship is 'totally' not supressing the fredom of the american people(sarcasam ends)
ok so he is a european.. i thiks and he is blond and blue eyed.... dose anyone know why menbers of hittlers master star in most fanfics?
but besides that would not unfrezzing him from cryo without proper safty procedures kill him? and removing the power source as well?
just listing some stuff off. but besides that i can't wait to see where you take this(oh and also i thiks you should also add a Russian and American character for teh lolz cause they will not get on and would often get into fights, which would be fround apon by ponies and get arested by celestia's guards or whatever passes for a cop in equestria.
sry i meant hittlers master race..... i was writing 2 comments at once....
Plot is fine. The delivery could use a lot of work however. Have some half asleep critic.
Chapters are too short.
Bits like:
"Debris flew everywhere and the camera turned black."
are rather dull, and could use a lot more description. Goes back to the old saying "Show us what happens, don't tell us."
Something like:
"Chucks of rubble soared past the screen, ripped from the ground by an unknown force. A particularly large piece, a metal pole of unknown origin, collided with the viewpoint with a crunch, casting the room back into darkness from the video's end. The pitch black room fell to silence, broken only by the heavy breathing of startled ponies."
Is far more interesting to read.
Also what were the reactions of the ponies watching the video? Needs more description of what's going on.
One paragraph for each character talking. No two characters should have speech within the same paragraph.
Sleep time noaw.
94464 its hitler's master race. also i agree with everyone else
meh it was 3:00 in the morning and i had been up for more then 24h.... and when i am like that i... become a bit mentally unstable... but ussually stumble apon fics centered around people with blond hair and blue eyes and that sorta bugs me just how much old adolfs influence has actually infiltrated sociaty.
oh btw Australian timezone for what time it was because it would most likly been diffrent from yours.
i just feel "september" by thelivingtombstone fits this perfectly
120383 haaaaa refrence from best science fiction movie of the 1960s
MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
126108 You shall get moar soon
please get a proofreader i like the story just not the way its put out
Really One week?
I've just read all of the chapters and I just want to say:
The story and idea is really good, it doesn't have the excuse as like in any other HIE story that I have read. (I.E: Twilight screws up a spell or a magical force pulls a Human into Equestria.)
But the execution for the story is frankly piss-poor. I'm sorry but it's just my personal opinion. (Although you have others and I respect that.) The Spelling and Grammar are certifiable as decent to a certain measure. I wouldn't say the grammar and spelling are a complete god-send or even above normal standards. The rushed story and the lack of pacing behind the plot make it impossible to follow the story or atleast give us an insight about the story properly.
You didn't really explain why the Humans were at war. (Nuclear War would always have it's reason to why it would happen, things like that don't happen out of nowhere.) But I am going to be honest about the idea of some of Earths original animal kingdom evolving to slowly progress as a smarter and more intelligent race is a pretty darn good idea. Also realisitcally pointing out that most of Europe and the America's would NEVER attack each other, unless there is something so tragic and critical in the story that made them do so. Russia and China are a little bit more understandable to why there is a war, seeing how both countries have both a large amount of weapons and a pretty large army.
I think before the whole idea of Zack being frozen and then awakened into the future, you should have talked about the relationships about the Humans and the slowly progressing Horses, maybe you could have even added in a couple of scenes where the Humans are fending off the Horses as they slowly raid a market for food or something. Showing what the Humans and the past and their situation for survival would make us care about the whole "Zack being frozen" problem.
(This is more of a personal pet-peeve but I'll still continue.) - When Zack said that the countries of Earth had been fighting for over 10,000 years. It made me a little confused to why he thinks that. (How does he know that the Humans have been fighting with the other parts of the world?) I think it's realistic that if Nuclear War happened, then 93% of the Human population would die out from either the nuclear blasts/radiation or even the Fallout, then months (or years later) the remnants of the Radiation and the fallout would kill them off aswell. Inlcuding the animal kingdom. Which is a little weird how the ponies and the rest of the normal animal kingdom survived the nuclear holocaust.
I don't think that Zack would have been taken to Twilight and her friends after the ponies discover a mythological creature that is part of a civilization that left behind a massive legacy during the early history of Equestria. I think it would have been the more logical choice to make sure that the Princesses themselves would keep him a secret until the time was ready for both of them to show the Human to the public and await their reactions.
When you were talking about the scene with the Archeologist's discussing and using the items that we as people use on a daily basis (such as the IPHONE for example.) you could have described it as if it was something that even us readers wouldn't be able to understand. Just saying "It's an IPHONE!" will cut-off all of the readers interest in what the Archeologist's are talking about. If you slowly described the IPHONE without calling it's name, it would give us a massive sense of curiosity to wonder what they have found. Whilst adding in small hints to it about what it can do.
The small video scene where one of the characters was nice, I like seeing the ponies reactions to the effects of Human war and what their analysis is like on the subject matter.
---
In my personal opinion, the idea for the story isn't that bad. But the plot is REALLY bad. The pacing is random and it doesn't seem to be able to stick to a certain speed, the characters seem a little out of character to react to a Human. If we saw a creature that we had never seen before (Like an alien of some sort.) We would be curious, yet really scared at what it could do to us in the long run.
I think you should really ask for help with this story and at least give a second to think about what you are typing into the next chapter.
Try and make them longer, I think most people don't want a little story with just 900 and something words per chapter, we want nearly around 2000 to 8000 words per chapter, it's alot of work but it's satisfying in the end seeing all the comments and views on the story.
Also:
[Wall of text describing an characters action or what a part of the world looks like.]
[Space]
[Character speaks and then followed by the description of their emotion and actions.]
[Space]
[Continue on with the tall of text.]
I have to agree with Glitch on the problems with your story I enjoyed it but one thing just completely throws me off. The fact that he from my understanding woke up procceded to call both Twilight and Celestia a bitch while shooting up Ponyville to waking up not giving a shit about anything not even being in from what from his point of view a prison where you know they torture people. You receive 5/5 for originality but 2 and a half Derpys for the result so far. 1
2
1/2
It's the end of the world. For all those that have fallen and will fell, Im sad. Oh and the U.S, that might be there last resort in the real world if this happened.
OMG! RUN!
anti matter bomb wouldn't create any radiation
cap here anti-matter bombs do not release any radiation as radiation is a result of the nuclear degradation of atoms while anti matter bombs would work by fusing matter with anti-matter canceling each other out and transforming to energy according to the following equation E=mc^2 a 1 gram anti matter bomb would release energy equivlant to a few thousand tsar bombas going of