Two Unicorns Walk Into A Bank
"Trixie, I really don't think—"
"Exactly! You don't think, so Trixie has to do all the thinking for herself!"
Starlight bit back a sigh at her marefriend's interruption. "It doesn't matter what you think, credit unions just don't work that way!"
"And how would you know?" Trixie scoffed, flippantly waving what remained of her mane. "The Great and Frugal Trixie is an expert in all things financial and—"
"You live in a wagon."
"A mortgage-free wagon. And if you would shut your stupid face and listen, you'd know cancelling a transaction is easy. All they need is the right incentive."
The couple entered Canterlot Credit Union, Trixie bursting through the doors and making a beeline for the teller with a deadpan Starlight Glimmer close in tow.
"That's... Okay, so there are a number of problems with your brilliant plan," Starlight said. "First, your order already went through. CCU only offers purchase cancellations if the payment is pending, and we both know that stupid pack of—of whatever you ordered—"
"Truth Slaughterer's Patriot Pack of Patented Perfectly-Safe-for-Ponies Performance Enhancing Pills."
"—already got delivered! And they have the receipt showing you willingly ordered it! Why did you even order those things, anyway? Your performance doesn't need enhancing!"
Trixie stamped her hoof. "Even perfection can be improved upon!"
"Sorry, but there's just nothing you can do to get your money back, short of proving the purchase was fraudulent."
"Those pills are fraudulent!" Trixie snapped as the two of them settled in line behind a sea of other ponies. "'Performance enhancing?' Don't make Trixie laugh! All they did was make Trixie's hair fall out, and if I can't get my mane back then I at least want my damn bits back!"
Starlight rolled her eyes, if only to avoid gawking at Trixie's ridiculous attempt at a comb-over. "You got scammed, yeah, but throwing a tantrum in the middle of the lobby isn't gonna get your money back."
"Watch me."
"Look, if you really want to, we can file a complaint with the seller."
"You look," Trixie said. "Trixie is well aware that her various plots and schemes go over your pretty little head, but lucky for you she's a patient pony and doesn't hold it against you and your tiny brain." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "If you'd like to return that courtesy, you can do so by zipping it and leaving this to an expert."
At that, something in Starlight's head shifted, her expression twisting from a frown to an expectant glare. "Fine. I look forward to being educated, oh great and powerful one."
The next several minutes passed in uneasy silence, with Starlight lazily observing the clock and Trixie repeatedly peering past the half-dozen other ponies in line.
As one of the tellers waved forward the next in line, an elderly pegasus with a wiry navy mane and withered wings, Trixie began to grumble. As the pegasus slowly began plodding his way to the front desk, she began to vibrate intensely. And, as soon as the stallion opened his mouth, Trixie threw her hooves up and yelled for the benefit of the lobby, "This is taking too long!"
Before Starlight could stop her, Trixie was already past the line. "Move it, blue stuff!" she shouted, shoving the pegasus to the floor and taking his place before the teller. "Okay, you! Bank pony! Trixie wants her dang money back!"
"Excuse me?" The teller's voice wavered as she put on her best customer service face. "I-I'm sorry ma'am, I don't think I understand what—"
"How can you not understand?! Trixie's livelihood is at stake!" Trixie spun wildly, her combover flopping to the side as she pointed accusedly at random ponies across the lobby. "Those pills were fake! A total sham! I probably didn't even buy them, you can't prove anything!"
"Ma'am, that's not—"
"How am I supposed to make end's meet if those pills made me look like this?" Trixie wildly shook her limp half-mane. "How am I supposed to keep TrixieCart LLC™ afloat if I can't put on any shows?!"
"Pills? C-cartel...?" The teller wore a fragile, shaky smile, even as her hoof reached for something under the desk. "Ma'am, if you're involved in any illicit dealings, perhaps, uhm, you should take your business elsewhere? I'm not sure ours is the best establishment for you."
Starlight, having helped up the poor pegasus Trixie had bowled over, returned to her marefriend's side. "Uhh, I think we should go."
"Agreed," the teller said.
"Agreed," the elderly pegasus said.
"Agreed," several ponies around the lobby said.
"Not agreed!" Trixie shouted. "Trixie isn't going anywhere! And y'know what?!" Blue waves of magic suddenly gripped the handles of the front door, freezing them solid in a block of ice. "Nopony's going anywhere! Not until Trixie gets her money!"
"Trixie!" Starlight tugged at her as red and blue lights began flashing outside. "I'm serious, we gotta get out of here!"
Trixie ignored her, turning her increasingly angry glare to the teller once more. "Bank pony! Trixie wants every single bit back! All three of them, right now!"
Rather than engage further, the teller quickly pressed an intercom on the wall behind her. "Help us!" she cried through the speaker as more police arrived. "There's a member of a drug cartel trying to rob us!"
With that, she hit the alarm button and ducked down, whimpering as a row of iron bars slammed down between her and the crazed unicorn across her desk. All over the lobby, various exits were shuttered by similar security measures, just as blaring sirens and a commanding voice echoed in through the windows.
"Listen up, you drug-dealing scumbag!" An officer barked through a megaphone. "Release the hostages or we will be forced to breach the building!"
"Hostages?!" Starlight gaped as she saw multiple armored wagons full of officers clad in tactical gear pull up outside. "That's it," she said, her horn beginning to glow. "Forget your bits, Trixie, I'm getting us out of here."
"No, wait!" Trixie bapped Starlight's horn. "Cool your stupid sexy flank, Starlight. Trixie's got this."
"Wha—no! No, you clearly don't!" Starlight shouted, gesturing to the growing force of police ponies besieging the building. "Bank robbing is a felony offense, Trixie! They're gonna put you in prison! For life! Maybe even longer!"
"It's fine! Trixie has this under control." Trixie poked her snout through the metal bars now lining the teller's desk. "Hey bank pony, you forgive me, right?"
The teller eyed her warily. "I—"
"Yeah, you forgive me." Trixie turned back to her marefriend and smiled. "See? That was easy! Twilight would be so proud."
"What about this situation could possibly make Princess Twilight proud?!"
"Obviously me being amazing at friendship and apologies and also everything else," Trixie said. "Now I can just tell the cops that things are fine, get my bits back, and we can go home." She nodded to herself and sauntered towards the door. "Hey, pigs! Hear that?! Everything's fine!"
"Nothing is fine!" Starlight called after her. "You can't gaslight gatekeep girlboss your way out of this, Trixie!"
At that, Trixie raised an eyebrow. "The hell is gaslighting?" She sneered. "Don't make up words, Starlight. You sound ridiculous."
Before Starlight could so much as open her mouth to reply, a brilliant flash accompanied by a deafening bang filled the lobby, sending her to the floor. What followed was a storm of shattering glass and gruff, angry shouts as a horde of police swarmed the building.
"H-hey! We worked it out—oof!" Trixie's voice cracked at the same moment one of her ribs did. "Ow! Hey! Trixie is a sovereign citizen, she has a right to—!"
The sound of tens of thousands of volts being delivered to a very loud unicorn's face finally quieted things down. As Starlight's vision slowly returned, she blinked around the room to see ponies sobbing and shaking while officers dragged an unconscious Trixie out through a broken window. They tossed her into the back of a locked wagon, her body flopping only slightly more than her terrible combover of a mane.
Starlight buried her face in her hooves, groaning. "I really hope they'll allow conjugal visits."
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Bruh. It didn't make the frogs gay, just the mares.
A Scampy story with no Wallflower? Blasphemy!
can’t stay away from the great and powerful dicksie
Good story, I laughed all the way, and that's not an easy feat. Thank you
11348397
So glad someone caught the reference!
I assume Truth Slaughterer is very concerned concerned about the Orange-Frogs sexuality?
11348475
It was the first thing I thought of!
oh my god I am so glad you posted this. XD
I Seth Standmore do solomonly swear...... that TRICKY'S treat mint is a MISCARRY of JUSTICE that will not go UNPUBISHED........!!!!!!! She was simply Mining her own business with her Wife Starlight Glamdring at the Bonk, what was she doing well she was there to Retreive her Money from the Half Bastard's who SKUMMED her!!! and what does the Binks do? They CRAWL the POLENTA on her!!!!!!!!!!!
never do I Seth Standmore tolerate injustice when where see I see the injustice do I tolerate it no. This I swear to Those Pones that I Seth Standmore will see 君の名は CLEARED of all CRIMINAL ACCUSATORY and Sent back to Society where she will Live In. GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely Seth Standmore
Okay how the heck did you so perfectly sum up Trixie and everything that she stands for in two hecking words. Gotta say as well, "TrixCart LLC" was a surprising bit of wordplay genius to be thrown in there as well!
All in all, short, sweet, funny, and a splendid few-minute read. Great balance of snark and in-your-face humour. Lovely st-
i.postimg.cc/cC2gHSvb/whats-our-big-trixet-item-upgaydes-ponies-upgaydes.jpg
What the frack was that? Aside from hillarious, I mean. Good job Scampy, that was warped in all the best ways. Especially the stinger.
You know, sometimes you just gotta wonder if Trixie's brain doesn't realize it lives in the same dimension as all the rest of her does, and thus not all of the same rules apply.
Either that, or she's just that stupid. But where's the fun in that explanation?
Wait, wait, wait...is the implication here that she only paid three bits total for these sham pills in the first place? Is she really causing a scene like this over three measly bits?
They call Celestia benevolent and all-loving, but she's still the one who legalized using necromancy to make prisoners carry out multiple life sentences.
Ah, recursion.
Brilliant stuff. Major props for getting the HM with the original after writing it on your phone. (Sorry I forgot to mention that in my con blog; clearly your cosplay was too powerful.)
Also, I just realized the title carries on the alliteration of the prompt. Outstanding.
11348437
Trixie is spot-on awful and this was pretty fun.
Trixie Cart LLCTM was a certainly unexpected pun!
I also am certainly enjoying the continuance of fun in the comments cited below:
11348455
11348614
(Sigh) yes, Trixie...if Logic and Reasonable Thought won't accomplish your Purpose, there's always Yelling and Screaming.
That? NEVER fails...
"If you can't be right, be wrong at the top of your voice." ---Unknown
Got to say I’d like it if Trix had come off as more reasonable and less insulting with Starlight as then it would amp up the crazy when she starts in on the teller. Also I legitimately have no idea if they have ever claimed that ponies dealt with natural gas based illumination so gaslighting might not actually exist. Though that last bit is pedantry for the sake of it.
11349106
They siphon gas from Discord and use it to power the lamps in Manehattan.
Because he is a bag of wind, you see. Infinitely renewable.
11349253
I find no fault with this logic.
And how I have a mental image of Trixie in a cell in Tartarus thinking to herself, "Wow. When they said Trixie would be in prison for life, Trixie didn't think they meant it included her afterlife!"
> "Bank robbing is a felony offense, Trixie! They're gonna put you in prison! For life! Maybe even longer!"
Am IRL lawyer; can confirm bank robbery is srs business even in horse landia. Sometimes it's just better to take the L, Ms. G&PT.
Congrats on the HM - and for doing it on your phone???
Please note: This story is rated "T" for Trixie. Read at your own risk
You know, I've looked up the definition multiple times, and I'm still not quite sure what exactly gaslighting is.
... yeah, yeah.
That's about how well I thought that would go.
This is, like Trixie, stupidly funny.
11348677
that's if she doesn't use mind manipulation magic to make you live out multiple concurrent life sentences. live 6 lives simultaniously, all of them in solitary
Based and redpilled
11350090
When someone is manipulative and tries to spoon-fed you lies. Or so that's what I think its what it is.
11350090
I literally told you last week what gaslighting is. Stop making things up.Gaslighting is when an abuser tries to make their victim doubt their own perceptions of reality by consistently calling them a liar and denying anything the victim tries to assert that can only be backed up by the victim's memory. The term itself comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, in which a husband tries to make his wife believe she's insane by making noise at night and dismissing her concerns with "you're hearing things," turning the gas lights in their home down while insisting to his wife that the lights are still bright as ever and she's imagining the whole thing, etc.
As someone who's been a victim of and is especially susceptible to gaslighting, the way it often plays out is the abuser very emphatically and confidently stating something that just isn't true, all while knowing their victim has self-doubts and will, in the face of the abuser's confidence, be more likely to doubt themselves than the person calling them a liar. My mom used to pull that kind of thing all the time before I moved away. For example, she once insisted that the psychiatrist who I was seeing at the time was found by her (this part is the gaslighting), and as such she was well within her right to not let me see him anymore (this is what she was trying to achieve with the gaslighting by making me even less confident and docile; "if I was wrong about how I even started seeing this doctor, how can I trust myself with my own healthcare decisions?")
I was so certain that he'd been recommended to me by my therapist, but my mom was louder and angrier and more insistent with her version of events than I could ever hope to be, so my anxious abused brain just assumed she was right. It wasn't until my therapist literally showed me the email she sent the psychiatrist's office years prior that initially informed them I'd be coming that I felt like I could trust myself on it.
tl;dr it's used here as a funny meme but it's one of the most insidious forms of abuse out there and anyone who willingly gaslights someone else should probably go to jail and then hell 🙏🙏🙏🙏
11351505 remember the time I led you to believe that the island of tazmania never existed
11351512
you are going to jail and then hell
11351505
Okay, thanks for the lesson. Now it all makes sense to me. Making a person not even trust themselves certainly leads to abusive relationship dynamics, yes.
what marvelous conversations you two must have c.c
11351505
hugs
11348615
whats the context of this picture?
11364895
(absolutely no context, in other words)
Just that I was feeling dumb and meme-y and like desecrating a friend's artwork and my copy of Photoshop was open anyway
11375358
Sorry for furthering you about a random shit post but like is it based on a meme or something? Like it kind of has the energy of nanomachine's son and now I want to see Trixie's face edited onto Senator what's his name just for the stupid heck of it
LMAO
binge reading your fics. a domino effect. not sorry.
TWO comments from Doodl3s. double the giggles this fic gave me!
Amazing writing contest entry. Thanks for posting it!