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A human wizard of great renown, through an experiment gone wrong, is transported onto the planet of Equss. What's worse, he's practically a new born. With his mind still in-tact and his magic primed and ready, he must adapt to what life has thrown him.
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It should be: "I was too warm and I couldn't feel a good chunk of my body."
I think there should be a period here: "The wind blew around me and it carried the warmth furiously. Trying to open my eyes..."
I suggest switching out discovered with: "What had happened to cause such an extreme reaction?"
Hope should be in the past tense: "I hoped."
Use an em-dash, not a hyphen for interrupted sentences: "San—"
Remove the "myself": "...I used what remained of my arms to stand up."
Maybe replace the next sentence with: "Now that I was standing up, I balanced on one arm and used the other to wipe away sand from my eyes before I looked around.
"
Don't mix commas and periods. When a sentence is done and it is followed by something you use a comma. If the action happens before a sentence you close it off with a period like this: 1. He folded his ears and shook his head. "No, I don't know where he is." 2. "No, I don't know where he is," he said and pressed his ears against his head.
Why does he look into the sky to find his location when it is day and therefore he has no stars to follow?
Correction: Afternoon not after noon.
Unnessacary space between the word "noted" and the comma next to it.
Why does he fear he'll look stupid?
There is no need to use hyphens to create lines to break up your chapter into parts. There exists a tool in the editor that creates a line for you. It is between the button you click on to link something and the one that creates a list. I'll show what it looks like below:
I might look over it more later but I need to sleep. I am also not a native English speaker so some of my advice could be wrong and if they are you can happily point it out. Have a good night now!
Seems interesting, Worth a follow.
Just a note, unless our un-named protagonist is from a very different world, the sun being in the eastern sky would signal morning.
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Thank you for the assist, I never would've caught all that.
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Whoops, sorry. I'll fix it.
Given the previous 'Human-in-Equestria' story I was reading is building toward an ending, I needed a replacement - and yours is just in time. I look forward to reading more, as the main character being a wizard seems a fresh twist.
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No problem.
Seems a little fast paced but its looking okay.
Ok, so I see that he's a typical Fantasy Mage, not actively malicious but extremely isolationist and focused on his research.
Very interesting so far, a mage in the body of a colt. An interesting and fresh idea indeed. Can't wait too read more and see how you execute this 👍
A bit fast but really good great job on story and thank u
looking forward to more thank u
Just got done reading last ch just as good thank u
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I’d call murder actively malicious. If you don’t warn people that trespassing could mean death. Or even that they’re trespassing at all, then you’re not defending yourself, you’re trapping people. Not that doing this sort of thing is astereotypical of classic fantasy wizards. Just pointing out that this character is definitely evil by all but the most generous definitions.
Amazing.
Not bad, very good. I'm giving six stars for doing a good job. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Where did Sweet Hoof get all these seeds from? Did he still have his clothes and bags?
Is this even about MLP?
Interesting set up and location, I wonder if the Storm king or Tempest will come into play in this story. Through I wonder if her will encounter other ponies, probably enslaves, in this town. I guess he could also get in contact Caper too. Good luck on this story dude and I hope you find a good cover art for the story.
His Treants seem a bit nicer than summoned constructs tend to be. Could Equestria be rubbing off on his magic?
Is he an alicorn or unicorn?
Interesting story
Cool
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He's a human wizard in a unicorn colt's body
Keep up the good work! This story has a lot of promise!
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I mean... He's in Klugetown, you know? From the MLP Movie? So I'd say probably yes.
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Oh I didn't really like the movie so I don't really remember much about it.
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He gave several warnings. Must've thought it was fair game after that, especially after he heard his secret stash was about to be not-so-secret otherwise.
Or maybe he's a Texan wizard.
CastleTower doctrine and all.11300878
You are right, he did give warning. Not really sure how I missed that. Regardless, cold murder is an evil act.
Well then… this story is getting a little out of hand for my tastes. Kinda feels like reading someone else’s power fantasy.
For example, 5 million acres? That’s almost as large as Massachusetts. They carved out a cave the size of Massachusetts in a couple of hours? If you compare this to things that other characters in the series can do, then there are probably about 4 that are a match for this character. Elements of harmony, maxed out Tirek, maxed out Chrysalis, and maybe Discord. Not to mention that thus far he has shown no weakness save for self-inflicted injuries, no limits to his power beyond some “rare ingredients” for abilities that make him “nearly indestructible,” and a totally chaotic morality swinging from “murder is okay if I warn them” to “Slavery is wrong so I must stop it.”
Good luck with the rest of the story, but I think I’ll stop here. It was an interesting concept, but I’m not engaged with this execution.
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i mean suger hoof is actualy an experinced mage from another dimention who has only been turned into a child so im pretty sure most of his actions and abilitys can be explained or show his past. Also so far he has been in his element with little social contact it seems apart from the selling of his horn and suger so when the story progressess out into whatever the next phase it he likely might mess up somehow. he already messed up with making treeents that mutated due to magic and made over a thoused more so he proberbly is going to have more growing pains with how magic seems mostly the same but slightly diffrent in equestria
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I agree I think 5 million is over kill… because I would get it if it was just one whole area but not like every floor that makes it sound like it’s Minecraft and not MLP.
I’m sort of concerned with how the colt will do with the pony slaves… like he would definitely be a target if the Princesses heard that he killed ponies to only study them.
I do think these Ent like beings he made will play a big role of changing his heart because so far he is changing slowly.
Also, he could take over the town with his garden and help the population. It would definitely benefit him to allow his Ents to go sell the foods and plants to make life easier for the town.
I’ll keep reading since the author did have a dark tag after all.
Maybe one of the slaves could be Applejack’s parents since there was a nice fanfic on that idea.
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Yeah, that was a bit op. I looked up the biggest farms in the world and saw the second one was 11,000,000 and was going to put that first, until I thought that maybe there aren't even 11,000,000 acres in the desert so I went with 5,000,000 instead. I'm realizing now that I should've brought it down to like 10,000 instead, at most.
Or at least made Sugar Hoof respond more drastically to this fact.
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Indeed, also you mention that chapter there was different levels so worded like all levels were that large each. He should be shock for sure and I would have to wonder if that’s big enough to be underneath the town.
This was a pretty quick chapter. Was it just one pony he found? She seems nice since who knows if Equestria Magic might make him see her become his adopted mother
Seems like he is changing to be a better man/pony?
Just to add my 2 cents worth. Sugar is a wizard from an unknown reality. Where life could be "dog eat dog" and any signs of morality or mercy would be seen as weakness and invite others to kill or enslave him. We don't know, however I'm looking forward to seeing what path he takes as Equestrian Magic takes root within him.
Also 5 million acres does seem a bit excessive, but remember, he has an army of more than 30 thousand intelligent magic using beings to accomplish this with. So who knows, it could definitely be possible.
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That is a good point. I forgot how many trees he has now so it’s basically like a little nation underground
Honestly I’m loving this story so far, can’t wait for the other chapters, but I’ll maintain patience, I’m curious of the mare and other slaves so I wondered what’ll happen to them? My guess would be something about either since they’re slaves they’d be put into labor or Sugar Hoof would let them go and perhaps they might live with him since they don’t know where to go or something, possibly and presumably becoming a village, town, or a city or something, but I don’t know the amount of ponies, so, I can’t tell, and with the mare finding out in being forced into labor or something and found out Sugar Hoof was behind all of this maybe likely upset, if they didn’t know, maybe glad he’s okay, or maybe herself just let go since she out of the rest were trying to save the young colt or something, and is glad Sugar Hoof is okay, and for set free just glad Sugar Hoof is okay if she found him, there are many ways this could go but I wonder mostly, what will happen next?
suger hoof sure has his hoofs full with what could be interpreted as children in adult bodys he has to take care of
Forget the slaves. The trees need help!
Not sure why the tree thinks he was hurting his master… The colt really got to give a lecture to them how to learn face expressions.
I wonder what he would do for the two mares? They’ll be surprise when knowing the colt is the master so I guess they might either be able to leave or stay.
Now this to me is important, wonder what’ll happen to them for now, Hm if they ended up as a village with newcomers over time that’s be cool, the populations increases overtime, that is if they all were set free, I still don’t know about the other races other than assuming the ponies would be set free due to better treatment, and I’m still loving the story
This is nice story. :) I like that age change didn't turn him into a emotionally unstable child. 👍
He is 2??? That is young sounded more like he was 5+ at least. He is going to be surprised by the cutie marks that is for sure and Birch is growing, Can't wait for more
So they don’t want them finding out just yet? This can cause a little worry to the ponies but they may be surprised afterwards
Hold up he is Two?! Man this would cause them to be impressed once they find out, and realize he had a cutie mark and could talk, I honestly thought he was atleast 6 maybe more maybe slightly less but now I understand her worries
Well, and here is the problem. If he was adult they would forgive him a lot... but like in Cozy Glow case, children are sent to "hell". XD
Well… he didn’t do anything wrong since his magic has gotten out of control from this worlds magic. Like these trees believe they are doing the right thing but not. Really they need guidance and lessons or else they start doing something that could hurt this world.
Hopefully those non-pony slaves get better treatment since it doesn’t seem like they aren’t getting treated well…
Welp, the M6 might be coming. I wonder how the colt will react? No wait… the trees will do something dumb I know it
Welp, things are about to get bad aren’t they
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Indeed, i am getting some dictator vibes from birch, he's got the whole "obey me or else you are indirectly disobeying the master and will face punishment" schtick that no subordinate likes
It's nice to see ponies being ponies.
Farewell to Goldie and Rain.
Perhaps we'll see them again.