Funkin' Friendship

by Goldstar

5: Vs. Diamond Dogs

As Boyfriend and Girlfriend woke up, she noticed how their house looked good as new. “Did the repairs happened already?” She asked. “I thought the Parasprites destroyed the walls and ceilings of the buildings.”

“Not that I’m complaining, but yes, it looks like the attack never happened.”

“I am curious. Are ponies just that fast in repairing? Last night we were cold due to air blowing into the many cracks in our home.”

“I dunno, magic I guess.” Boyfriend shrugged.

“Twilight mentioned a lava bath last week. I want to take one.”

“Wait, really? Won’t you burn to a crisp?”

“I am a demon and we’re known to come from Hell, which is full of lava. Surely, we would have at least some resistance to it. Although how that would transfer over to my pony form, I don’t know.”

“You get so many benefits from being a demon and unicorn. I’m just a human with no powers or rather, an earth pony now, who also have no powers. At least I should have become a pegasus.”

“We could ask Applejack what special talents earth ponies have.”

“I hope it isn’t just farming, no way I ever want to do that.”

“I don’t think asking Pinkie would do any good, given her clearly unusual abilities that seemingly no other ponies have.”

“You know what? I miss being human, with fingers and being able to eat meat and fish without throwing up. I know your parents want me dead, but surely they want to try to get you back home?”

“They’re probably working on it. Although I do wonder if they want me gone too because I date you. Seriously, what is their problem?! Do they think I can’t pick a good boyfriend? You’re not controlling me or doing awful other shit that my parents would kill over.”

“I wouldn’t put it pass them. Here, at least in Ponyville, they have no cell phones, no TVs, no computers, or a lot of the technology we have back home. And yet they have arcade machines with games similar to those way before our time like a pony version of Space Invaders and Pitfall.”

“Look on the bright side. You’re absolutely killing it in rap battles. Look at the problems we solved already.”

“And the rest are solved by Twilight and her friends.”

“We’re her friends too.”

“Of course, but we’re not element bearers. What would our elements be anyway? Element of Rap? Element of Demonic? At least we had our cutie marks the moment we ended up here so we can avoid all the blank flank drama.”

“The only one making fun of blank flanks are Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They been mostly quiet since losing the rap battle last week.”

“Goes to show the power of words. I’m glad none of this came to blows, although Gilda came close.”

“Don’t worry. Anypony... I mean, anyone tries, and they must get through me. Anypony, somepony, everypony, yeah. We been here long enough to start saying that. In fact, ponies can’t even tell we’re technically aliens unless they’re told. If we were in our human forms, we would stand out so much more.”

“It’s Friday. How long before the required rap battle?”

“Probably sooner than you think.”

---

“Tia, you work quickly,” Luna noticed.

“After Pinkie driven the Parasprites away from Ponyville, I took a more, direct hoof in all of this.”

“What did you do to them?”

“I sent them to the sun.”

“But won’t they immediately die there?”

“That’s the point.”

“You’re vengeful.”

“They serve no purpose but to be harmful, just like wasps, so they will no longer trouble my little ponies.”

“You didn’t want to use this chance for Twilight and her friends to figure out how to fix Ponyville?”

“That’ll take too much time away from what I want Twilight and company to learn. I could have gone the extra mile in making everypony forget about what the Parasprites did, but I’m already carrying more than enough secrets and it’s exhausting.” Celestia than started to smile. “I can hardly wait for Twilight to come back home next week.”

“What festive or party this time? I must say, Ponyville has a lot and I doubt I’ve seen the last of them.”

“I like to keep ponies busy. It’s all about that positive reinforcement. I don’t think they could handle real hardship very well. In a way, it’s my fault for solving so many of their problems.”

“Could you just stop coddling them?”

“If only it were that simple. But Twilight and her friends are already the solution, like how Twilight dealt with an Ursa Minor and how Fluttershy dealt with a dragon. Boyfriend will handle the rap battles and the element bearers, everything else. This setup ensures I only have to do real work once in a blue moon.”

“So, if I make the moon blue nightly, you’ll do much more work Tia?”

“We still have to cover some figures of speech.”

---

Twilight’s closest friends, including Boyfriend and Girlfriend, gathered at her tree home. “The Grand Galloping Gala is next Friday,” Twilight informed, “I’m going to be meeting Princess Celestia again after a month. And I get to meet Princess Luna again now that she’s settled in. I can hardly wait!”

“I get to meet Prince Blueblood,” Rarity said, holding her head with her hooves while having a dreamy smile. “I want to get really close to him.” There was a pause for several seconds.

“Bag pardon, you’re straight?” Applejack asked.

“I’m flexible. Even I can’t escape the mares loving mares nature of Ponyville. Oh, word darling. You almost look like you recovered from a heart attack.”

“Are we sure this is a good idea?” Fluttershy worried. “There’s going to be so many ponies there and even more nerve wrecking, they’re important high-class ponies.”

“I’m sure there’ll be animals there, daring,” Rarity said, while rubbing Fluttershy’s back.

“I’m throwing a party on top of the party,” Pinkie exclaimed, “What can possibly go wrong? I have a maybe autistic marefriend while Boyfriend and Girlfriend are autistic for sure. No way Prince Blueblood can be anything but a well upstanding stallion. I’m sure this Gala will be fine!” Pinkie looked around the room. “Yeah, this is going to suck, but hey, that just builds our strength of character.”

“I’m going to show the Wonderbolts how a real peagsus flies,” Rainbow boasted. “And catch Spitfire’s sweet, sweet flank assets as well. What? A goal’s a goal.”

“We didn’t say anything Dash,” Twilight replied, while blushing. “Sweet skintight mare flanks... excuse me. What about you two?” Twilight asked Boyfriend and Girlfriend. “Got any specific plans?”

“Rap,” Boyfriend answered, “Maybe it’ll be a friendly rap once instead of me putting someone in their place.”

“I’ll just enjoy the event, and of course Boyfriend’s rapping,” Girlfriend said.

“Applejack?” Boyfriend asked, “What makes earth ponies special?”

“We’re some of the honest, most hard working...”

“I meant like powers.”

“We’re physically stronger than other ponies. Mai brother practically has super strength. And we have great endurance, if y’all know what ah mean.” She finished winking. “And of course, the whole connection to nature thing although Fluttershy has that and she ain’t no earth pony.”

“I thought it had to do with growing plants,” Boyfriend replied.

“It does,” Pinkie said, “in an unclosed number of generations away from now when ponies will forget all about our friendship lessons and be separated again and we’ll be legends.” Everyone looked surprised. “Just a guess.”

---

Later that day, Boyfriend was reading one of Spike’s comic books. The peace was not to last. “Boyfriend!” Spike shouted, who looked like he ran in a hurry. “The Diamond Dogs kidnapped Rarity! They demanded a rap battle for her release.”

“We’re coming! You didn’t gather our other friends to overpower them?” Girlfriend asked.

“I would have gotten Twilight to absolutely destroy them with her magic, till they declared a rap battle. You don’t want to witness what happens if you try to cheat the system.”

“Fine,” Boyfriend said, putting the comic book down on the page he left off. “Are we talking dogs literally made out of diamonds? In Equestria, I can’t rule that out.”

“Nah, not quite. But they’re just big jerks mostly. What is it with so many non-ponies being so rude? I hope the dragons are better behaved.” Girlfriend used her telekinesis to bring Spike over.

“Even if the other dragons turn out to be big fat meanies, you’re you, a dragon raised by ponies, who seem to be the kindest species in Equestria.”

“Although that makes me wonder if I’m truly a dragon.”

“Can we do this later?” Boyfriend asked, “We gonna save Rarity. You can question your entire being later.”

“Right, just as I was having a moment. Come on before Rarity has a breakdown.” Girlfriend put Spike on her back as Spike pointed which way to go. They entered the mines and found a huge cart full of gems attached to Rarity. The three Diamond Dogs appeared to be in emotional pain.

“Spike?” Girlfriend asked. “Are we sure we need to rescue Rarity? The Diamond Dogs appear to be annoyed out of their minds.” Suddenly one of them noticed the newcomers.

“Finally, someone else! Let’s rap, just to get her to shut up.”

“I count three of you, not that I can’t handle this,” Boyfriend bragged.

---

Three, two, one, woof!

“Bow wow. Diamond Butt is ours to get us gems.”

“That’s Rarity to you. Have you tried asking her nicely?”

“Not Diamond Dogs way. We take by force.”

“Against some of the most powerful ponies around? Good luck.”

“Diamond pony so whinny and annoying. Yet she is our key to gems.”

“Yeah, she can be, sure, but this is your fault. You pushed her!”

“Diamond Dogs find common ground with short rapping stallion.”

“Over Rarity’s personality? No, but I’ll take her whining over your entire deal.”

“Diamond Dogs superior to ponies, just need her for gems.”

“Is this going to be a pattern with any other species vs. ponies? Going to need a lot of friendship lessons to end these negative feelings.”

“Bark, woof! Diamond Dogs take gems, get rich, get more gems, get richer.”

“Clearly sounds like you don’t enjoy Rarity’s company. Come on, let her go.”

“But this is our big break. Look at those gems, we’ll be set for months!”

“And how do you plan to get more gems months from now? Kidnap Rarity again?”

“We not think that far ahead. That problem for future Diamond Dogs to worry about.”

“Let the gems go. You forced Rarity against her will to mine them for you.”

“Gems are fair and square.”

“Do you want more whining?”

“Diamond Dogs can no longer stand whiny pony or rap battle.”

“Give up your goods gained through forced labor and we’re good.”

“This hardly worth the effort. We go.”

“You could try finding the gems yourself. How, don’t know, but not my problem.”

---

The Diamond Dogs left in shame after the rap battle. “I hope we don’t see them again for like another twenty years,” Spike commented. Unlashing her connection to the gem cart, suddenly Rarity came running toward her friends, looking somewhat rough for wear.

“Thank Celestia! They have no grace or style. Even my generosity isn’t enough to extent to these savages! What would we ever do without you Boyfriend?”

“Try to get a rapper to deal with Nightmare Moon’s eternal night?”

“Yeah, could you believe that? I’m taking a nice long bath. I wish I had some pony to join me.”

“How about me?” Spike asked.

“No!”

“Aww come on.”

“Maybe when you’re older. And don’t take that as a sign to go on some crazy quest to get an aging spell or potion. We already have enough random events happening around Ponyville as it is."

Author's Note:

Wow, pretty much two months since the last update. No, it wasn't writer's block, at least not much. I simply got super caught up in playing a specific video game a ton of which I hope to do a crossover story with here soon. My plan moving forward is to set aside 2-3 hours per day toward writing. Sure, this is a hobby that I'm not even being commissioned for, but I still like to keep myself somewhat productive, nonetheless. I hope the upcoming opponents I’ll have more character to go on since there wasn’t much for the Diamond Dogs I could find.