In an Equestria where major conflicts are solved by rap battles, Boyfriend and Girlfriend from Friday Night Funkin' just happened to show up.
In this Equestria, major conflicts are solved through rap battles. Unfortunately, the Mane 6 are not well equipped to deal with rap battles. Luckily, two ponies appeared out of nowhere and one of them just happens to be an up and coming rapper. Going by the names Boyfriend and Girlfriend, they say they're not from Equestria, but some place called Earth. They also say they're not ponies, despite being such in Equestria. Stuck with seemingly no way back home or as their original species, they must now make a living in Equestria. Not that this will be easy, given the amount of problems Boyfriend will have to solve through rap battles.
A Friday Night Funkin' crossover in an Equestria not quite like canon.
Several feet in the air, some distance away from the Castle of the Two Sisters, a portal opened and closed almost as quickly. Two ponies dropped out, one an earth pony and the other a unicorn. They both had a rough landing on their faces. “What the hell?!” The earth pony stallion shouted.
“Boyfriend? Are we ponies?” The unicorn mare asked.
“You know what Girlfriend? Yes, we are. How did that happen?!” They both took a closer look at themselves.
“I know we got banished here by my parents, but they wouldn’t have also changed us into ponies. So, you know what that means? We might be in a land full of talking ponies. Oh my gosh, I can hardly wait to meet them!” Girlfriend started to bounce around.
“Your parents can be real dicks at times, no offense.”
“None taken.”
“They got salty because I out rapped them and everyone else they sent after me.”
“They were going to banish just you, but I wasn’t going to leave you behind.”
“Your dad wouldn’t just leave it be after I schooled him within three rap battles in a row. Then he sent Pico after me, then I dealt with Mommy Mearest on top of a speeding limo, then they both held up Santa at a mall. And then we get trapped in a dating sim game because of Daddy Dearest. We better get back from this. And when we do, I’m going to destroy them... in a rap battle of course! What? I can’t do much else.”
“Why do we have symbols on our butts?” Girlfriend asked. Boyfriend had a bit of trouble trying to see his. His cutie mark turned out to be a cross out sign, just like his favorite shirt had. He had a white coat with spiky cyan mane and tail. Girlfriend’s cutie mark was that of two demon horns. She had a red coat with brown mane.
“You know?” Boyfriend pondered, “We’re totally naked, fur notwithstanding. And that’s just weird. Like, kinda hot that you could spread your legs and probably easily expose your pussy, but weird because we’re also both animals. It’s not like I look at a dog and think, ‘yeah, that’s hot, I would totally want to nail that’.”
“No matter what form I take, you can lust after me anytime,” Girlfriend smiled, then frowned, “Unless someone casts a de-aging spell on me.”
“I better be able to rap battle our way out of whatever trouble we encounter here.”
“I wouldn’t worry about that Boyfriend. I think any situation involving us must be solved that way.”
“You really think so?”
“I know so. Even when Pico was trying to shoot you, you out rapped him and got him to back off. You dodged his bullets while keeping your cool.”
“I hope you don’t have any crazy exs I have to worry about. That’ll be funny. Boyfriend vs. the World and there’s like seven crazy exes who can only be defeated in rap. Anyway, we should get a move on to find some place to go.”
“The only place of interest I see is over in that castle.” Girlfriend pointed toward it.
“Yeah, let’s go there, because it’s just trees as far as the eye can see, which isn’t very far with all these trees in the way. Hey, our eyesight is the same, isn’t it?”
“No difference here, despite our eyes being bigger, at least yours are.”
“Yours too babe.”
“We better get used to walking on all fours while we head to the castle.” Girlfriend suggested. Boyfriend tries to walk on two legs before falling over.
“Shit! Man, look at these. How can I hold a mic with my hooves? I can’t put it in my mouth and rap at the same time.”
“You bring up a good point. I wouldn’t worry about it too much given how many opponents we faced who didn’t have a microphone. I’ll try to pick it up.” Girlfriend reached a hoof out to do so and it stuck to it.
“How did you do that?”
“I dunno, I just wanted to pick it up and I did. Can you do the same?” Girlfriend had to wiggle her hoof a bit to drop the mic. Boyfriend tried picking it up and after a moment, it worked.
“This is so weird! I focus on it a bit and it’s almost like I still have a hand. But I don’t think I can walk on three legs without faceplanting again. I hope my back can hold it.”
“By the time we get to the castle, we should be used to this.” They both began to walk over.
Within the castle, Nightmare Moon was laughing at the six ponies who had failed to stop her. “Your Elements of Harmony are worthless! Your nothing but another failed student of Celestia!” Nightmare then laughed.
“I did everything according to the book. Why didn’t it work?!” Twilight panicked.
“Nothing can stop me, except a lyrical battle. But I bet none of you six can step up.”
“I can break into random songs, but not raps,” Pinkie confirmed. “This isn’t fair!”
“Too bad you can’t do this very specific thing to stop me. It’s not like a pony will suddenly show up to... hey, who are these pipsqueaks?” Nightmare noticed the arrival of Boyfriend and Girlfriend.
“Oh my gosh! See?! Other colorful talking ponies!” Girlfriend gushed.
“What’s going on here?” Boyfriend asked.
“It’s simple boy. These six have failed to stop me because they can’t rap their way out of this. The night shall last forever!" She followed up with some evil laughing, complete with thunder sounds and lighting in the background.
“Good thing I’m here then.” Boyfriend grinned, whipping out his microphone, but not before slapping himself in the face with in. “Dammit! Going to take some getting used to these hooves.”
“And who are you two?”
“I’m Girlfriend and this is Boyfriend,” Girlfriend introduced.
“What laughable names. Okay Boyfriend, put up your pathetic raps so I can continue to enjoy my victory.”
Three, two, one, go!
“Night moon moon night night moon ever ever night moon ever.”
“Bop beep beep bob bob beep be be bop beep be.”
“Hold it!” Girlfriend objected. “What the hell is that? Use your actual words. Okay, let’s take it from the top again.”
Three, two, one, go!
“The night is mine through my might. My victory is all but neigh.”
“Eternal night isn’t cool. For one, it’ll throw all the animals’ patterns off.”
“Oh please, they’ll love my night, they have no choice now.”
“With no balance, no day, they’ll grow to hate the night.”
“No, not this time, I waited a thousand years for this. They will love my beautiful night!”
“By giving them no choice? How will the plants survive without sunlight? And who knows what else.”
“Without... sunlight?”
“You’ll completely disturb the order of life, just to boast.”
“No, I am the night!”
“What’s got you so mad?”
“You try living a thousand years alone after being banished by your sister.”
“Hot damn, that’s a crazy long time! What were you trying to do?”
“I know right?! I just wanted to bring upon everlasting night.”
“Time heals all wounds. You can make up with her now?”
“No, only her complete and utter destruction is acceptable!”
“Let go of your hate. Reconnect, heal old wounds.”
“I cannot be losing to this kid!”
“There must be some good in you.”
“And why should I entertain that? I could just take what I want by force.”
“Living in harmony, reconnecting with your sister on good terms, being better than long ago.”
“This can’t be happening! Damn you kid!”
“Relax, all is well now. Deep breaths.”
“No, how could I lose?!” Nightmare shouted. A big display of magic happened, causing a lightshow that lasted for a few seconds. In Nightmare Moon’s place, Princess Luna appeared with a frown on her face.
“I’m sorry. I became so jealous over ponies sleeping during my night that I just wanted revenge without thinking about the consequences.”
“Really?” Rainbow Dash questioned, “It’s totally behind us now, way behind.”
“Did anyone else see arrows floating up when the two battled?” Fluttershy asked.
“So, it wasn’t just me,” Pinkie asked.
“Ah think we all saw those,” Applejack answered.
“I never witnessed a rap battle before, I should probably read up on them,” Twilight said. Suddenly, Princess Celestia flew in.
“I knew you would use friendship to help bring back my dear sister back, Twilight,” Celestia praised.
“Actually Princess, the Elements of Harmony failed. Boyfriend over here rap battled Nightmare Moon.” Celestia did a double take.
“Really? And you made a boyfriend the same day you came to Ponyville? I’m surprised Twilight. I didn’t think you were into stallions.”
“What do you mean Princess?”
“The fact you kept starring at my ass for years. Don’t think I didn’t notice. You’re one of my only female students that haven’t talked about getting a coltfriend, although that isn’t evidence alone you’re into mares. The only romance books you wanted to read were of mares loving other mares. And then I sent you to the lesbian capital of Equestria in hopes you’ll make a marefriend. Right, I’m getting off track here.”
“Not in front of the other ponies Princess, it’s embarrassing.” Twilight’s face turned red.
“Hey you ponies, let’s focus. I’m the Boyfriend that the purple unicorn was talking about,” Boyfriend answered.
“Does that mean she’s Girlfriend?” Celestia asked.
“Yup,” Girlfriend waved.
“We’re not from around here.” Boyfriend explained. “We kinda just shown up the moment we were needed. Funny how that works.” The company involved explained who they were on their way back to Ponyville. The Alicorn Sisters took their leave, leaving the Element Bearers and off world ponies with each other.
“All you mares are hot!” Twilight suddenly proclaimed, “I really, really want us to get to know each other. I’m making the most out of being in this backwater town.”
“Leave me out of it,” Girlfriend stated, “I belong entirely to Boyfriend and although you’re all cute, he’s all mine and mine alone.”
“Right...” Twilight pondered, “Although, that still leaves the other five mares, who have yet to deny me.”
“Really darling, at least get to know us for more than a whole day,” Rarity injected.
“Even I’m not that fast,” Rainbow added.
“We can be friends without it getting romantic,” Applejack confirmed.
“What they... said,” Fluttershy agreed.
“Day one marefriend?” Pinkie asked, “Count me in!” She then started bouncing around Twilight. “We’re going to hug and kiss and sleep together and have an all-around gay time.”
“Right...” Boyfriend said, “We need a place to stay for the night.”
“Make that many nights,” Girlfriend added, “We could be here for a long time. Let’s see. Based on what we learned during the walk back to Ponyville, let’s rule out options. I don’t think Boyfriend or I could handle the smell of farm animals at Sweet Apple Acres. That really factors into Fluttershy’s place also being unsuitable. Rainbow Dash’s home is simply not possible for us without cloud walking spells and that’s just too risky to maintain the whole time. The Cakes have babies. No thanks. Rarity’s place could be solid, but she has a little sister. Kids are cute, but also take all our energy. Living with the horny book pony, in more ways than one, might be our best option. Living with a baby dragon might be pretty adorable.”
“I’m sure you’ll enjoy my books,” Twilight said, “I have plenty of lustful books...”
“Keep your boners in check, damn!” Boyfriend hissed.
“Alright, fine. So much for me going back to Canterlot. If I must live in Ponyville, I might as well try to start a harem with some of the hottest mares around. Although I’m so happy Pinkie is willing already.”
“Maybe we should stay with Rarity,” Girlfriend said annoyed.
“You’re going to try all this with your baby brother around?” Boyfriend questioned.
“I’ll... work this out somehow,” Twilight answered. “Like pretend he doesn’t exist.”
Later that night, Boyfriend and Girlfriend arrived at Twilight’s treehouse. Within, Girlfriend spotted Spike and rushed over to hug him. “Oh my gosh, you’re so cute!”
“Please, let me breath,” Spike struggled. Girlfriend let him go.
“You’re just the cutest thing ever! I don’t doubt they exist back home, but I haven’t seen a dragon there. I’m Girlfriend and I want to get to know more about you, a lot more. In purely innocent terms of course.”
“You one of Twilight’s new friends?”
“Yeah, you can say so.”
“I’m Spike, Twilight’s number one assistant,” Spike pointed at himself with a prideful smirk.
“I bet you are. I would love to have my own baby dragon. Once I get home, Boyfriend and I will look around for one.”
“You might be even more excited over meeting me than Fluttershy was earlier today.”
“Ride on my back. I am a pony after all.” Girlfriend used her unicorn magic to levitate Spike onto her back. “Not much room in here for me to give you a ride, but maybe we can do this outside tomorrow. It is getting pretty late after all.”
“You know what? I’ll take this small break over reshelving the library yet again because Twilight can’t make up her mind for more than a few days.” Boyfriend then entered the library. “Another stallion? Sweet! Finally someone else I can talk to guy things about.”
“You must be Twilight’s baby dragon slash little brother.” Boyfriend wondered.
“The one and only Spike at your service. I haven’t seen many stallions around Ponyville at all.”
“It’s cool dude. Give me some time and I’ll probably be one of the most popular stallions in Equestria, the rapper who spits fire.”
“You’re a rapper?! That’s so cool, can you teach me?”
“Maybe. If I can do that, I might not have to handle all these rap battles on my own. But I still wanna do so because they’ll prove just how great of a rapper I am. Anyway, we need to crash here tonight.”
“You’re staying here? Was Twilight prepared for this?” Spike looked around the room.
“We kinda don’t have many places to go now.”
“Makes sense. I don’t know if she has a spare bed. I sleep in a basket.”
“That’s so adorable!” Girlfriend said with one of the biggest grins Boyfriend ever seen. “It’s settled. When we get back to Earth, we’re getting a baby dragon.”
“You sure there are dragons back home?” Boyfriend asked.
“Maybe. We have demons, I should know. We got furries, robots, lemon head monsters and vengeful spirits, angels, a guy with a bomb for a head, a cloud, and plenty of others. Why am I talking like this is unusual? You think there’s an Earth out there with just humans as the only sapient species and no magic? But anyway, I want my own baby dragon!”
“Once we’re back home, consider it done babe. I won’t ever stop treating you right. Wait! If we’re going to be here for a while, we could try to get you a baby dragon right in Equestria. So, while Twilight is busy doing who knows what, I need shut eye. It’s going to feel so different, with you and I having fur while we sleep with each other.”
“Ah man,” Spike commented, “I wish I had a marefriend, Rarity in particular.”
“Hate to break it to you man,” Boyfriend started, “But I’ll be surprised if any mares other than the ones already happily married with dudes are into dudes. Even if Rarity is into stallions, she’s an adult, you’re a child.”
“Rarity has a little sister, right,” Girlfriend asked. “Maybe try with her? Far more age appropriate”
“I guess,” Spike replied, “I would ask how you two got together, but it’s late enough already. Let’s find you two a room to sleep in.”
That same night, over with the Alicorn sisters, Luna couldn’t stop noticing Celestia’s grin. “It seems much hasn’t changed with you Tia since a millennium ago.”
“I can’t help it. We lived long enough to get bored of almost everything. I had to pull some strings to get you back.”
“Pray tell.”
“Boyfriend and Girlfriend likely believe they were sent here by her parents. While it is true her dad, Daddy Dearest, tried to banish Boyfriend from Earth and Girlfriend jumped in the line of the spell, I brought them both all the way here. I have nothing but time to work out spells to allow me to view across the entire universe.” Luna gave her sister a surprised look. “Immortal hobbies.”
“Where are you going with this?”
“I needed a rapper to help clean up my many messes over the years. I could have learned to rap battle myself, but that’s what I have others do my bidding for. I’m not the ruler of Equestria to not have moments I can be lazy.”
“You sent Twilight over knowing that she would lose?”
“Call it a tactical move. I knew I would get Boyfriend over in time to rap the evil out of you. I don’t want Twilight and her friends to know the Elements of Harmony are worthless. I want Twilight and her newest friends, likely to be marefriends soon, to feel important.”
“You haven’t changed much at all have you sis? Still a troll like always.”
“I know, laugh out loud. I don’t have to keep worrying about Twilight wanting to bang me, so now instead she’ll have a bunch of other mares as options.”
“You haven’t considered any rappers in Equestria?”
“You can’t just call out holes in my plans! Consider me bringing over a rapper from super far away as more interesting for everyone else involved than just a random pony rapper. Although I must also confess, I did have two other candidates in mind, a paper-thin rapping dog named PaRappa the Rapper who is in love with a walking talking sunflower. But PaRappa’s too wholesome for my amusement. My other option was Supa Hot Fire. But he’s well out of his prime by now. How unfortunate because he could have ended ponies’ whole careers.” Celestia pointed outside, toward Ponyville.
“Sit back and watch the show with me Luna. I’m sure it’ll make up for a thousand freaking years on the moon with nothing to do but stuff I rather not think about my own sister doing. Watch as Twilight, her friends, and our new guests handle my problems I don’t feel like dealing with myself.”
“Now that I’m back, I’m taking control over my night sky again. I’m sorry, not sorry, but your night sky looks like shit.”
“Well, excuse me for controlling both times of the day because you were mooning on the moon.”
“Although maybe tomorrow night. I’m rusty.”
“We need our own place Boyfriend,” Girlfriend said annoyed, “It’s been a whole week since we arrived, and Twilight can’t keep the noise down whenever her and Pinkie get it on.”
“I agree. I just need some performances here and there for the ponies to drown us in bits.”
“That’s the spirit! Look at the day, Friday, your favorite. And you know once come tonight, what that means.”
“Some asshole to rap against?”
“As per usual.”
“Actually I had a lot of rap battles take place during the day or not on Fridays.”
“We’re so far from home and yet, not all that much has changed.” As the couple went outside, they noticed several ponies were gathered around in the middle of town. The two went to investigate and they spotted a Griffon. “Look!” Girlfriend pointed her hoof. “How cool is that? A Griffon!”
“I noticed,” Boyfriend commented, “I think it’s safe to say there are no humans here. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy are also here. What’s happening?” The two entered the crowd.
“Should have known I’ll find you here Rainbow Dash,” Gilda said.
“What’s my ex-marefriend doing here?” Rainbow questioned her.
“What’s wrong with wanting to catch up?”
“Because I never wanted to see you again. We’re over, through!”
“I see. You’ve grown soft especially due to pusses like Fluttershy.” Fluttershy started to tear up.
“You shut your goddamn mouth, Gilda! Fluttershy is my closest friend and I’ll be dammed if any creature so much as hurts her feelings.”
“You hear that Fluttershy? Too weak to defend yourself without needing your new marefriend to speak up for you. “
“We’re not that close.”
“You expect me to believe that? You already got a taste for mares. Oh look, it’s the rainbow tomboy into mares. How stereotypical.”
“Not this again. So, any other mare can be a lesbian, but I do so and suddenly it’s a problem? Like any of us are freed from stereotypes, like how non-pony species are usually assholes who don’t understand friendship or kindness like you.”
“Yeah, whatever. You still can’t rap yourself out of a paper bag can you? I thought so.” Rainbow then noticed Boyfriend in the crowd.
“I can’t, but he can.” After witnessing what happened, especially Fluttershy crying as a result of Gilda’s actions, Boyfriend stepped in.
“Hey, bitch! You made Fluttershy cry!”
“Oh please. It’s not my fault she’s soft. You’re defending that doormat?”
“Yeah, actually. Come on, it’s time to throw down!”
“A rap battle? I’m going to crush you kid!”
“I’m nineteen for crying out loud!”
“Whatever dweeb.” At that point, without using her horn, Girlfriend magically materialized big speakers for her to stand on and bop to the beats coming out of them. The other ponies surrounded Gilda and Boyfriend in a circle.
Three, two, one, go!
“Rainbow Dash only needs me. I’ll satisfy all her desires!”
“She’s the Element of Loyalty. She won’t abandon her friends.”
“Ponies, always so soft. I could destroy you in an actual fight easily.”
“My new friends wouldn’t allow it. You think yourself better because you’re bigger?”
“I can’t believe Rainbow would choose these lame ass ponies over the sexy times we had.”
“You ever thought about being less of a bitch? Probably why she ditched yo sorry ass.”
“What could the pink or yellow ponies have over me, huh?”
“Pinkie is funny and Fluttershy is just the kindest soul ever.”
“So, she have chosen weakness.”
“She chose family and friendship.”
“Just when you really think you know some creature, they go and prove you wrong."
“You ever looked in a mirror? Your very own logic would slap you right back.”
“So, you’re saying I’m the one that’s changed?”
“I wasn’t there, but perhaps think on it.”
“I didn’t change, Rainbow just got soft.”
“And that is why you’ll remain alone.”
“What do you know about me? Coming up in here like you can ‘fix’ me.”
“You shown me more than enough in that public display of Being a Bitch 101.”
“Good luck getting me to see the error of my ways by insulting me."
“Start acting like how you would like to be treated. Then we’ll talk kindness.”
“Screw this! I just wanted Rainbow back, but I can now see that’s a lost cause.”
“It’s not too late to change. If you can’t stand ponies, at least don’t harm them.”
“As I said, I can take you on in an actual fight,” Gilda threaten. “And there’s nothing stopping me from doing so!”
“I can,” Girlfriend said in a deep otherworldly voice. Her coat turned pink, demonic wings materialized on her sides, her eyes had a red glow, and claws formed on the tips of her hooves. Her horn did not glow during this transformation. “Touch him and I will unleash hell on you.”
“The fuck kind of pony are you?! I’ll find some other creature who gets me. I’m outta here.” Gilda took off flying at speeds close to rivaling Rainbow’s. Moments after Gilda left, Girlfriend reverted from her transformation. Pinkie smiled while Fluttershy looked very afraid.
“I guess I should have mentioned earlier that I’m a demon,” Girlfriend explained, “But you don’t need to fear me.” She reached a hoof out to Fluttershy. “It’s going to be okay. I would never hurt you. I’ll only do that to protect myself or others. I process inherited demon magic that’s not a result of my unicorn form.”
“So that’s what your cutie mark means,” Pinkie noticed, “You got any other tricks? I can transform too if I want, by my mane going flat and losing a lot of my colors, although ponies think I’m some kind of secret killer if I do.”
“I’m still learning the extent of my demonic powers. Maybe I’ll even come up with powers to suddenly solve new problems that no one else can. I do love me some deus ex machina.” There was much cheering from the surrounding ponies on Gilda’s exit. Rainbow Dash flew in.
“That was awesome! Maybe you were a bit harsh on her, but I think she deserved it after how she treated Fluttershy. I can take it, but Gilda had no business targeting my friends.”
“You think there’s a chance to reform Gilda way later on?” Pinkie asked. “Friendship will pull through and failing that, a stay in Tartarus, a trip to the moon, being turned to stone, or blown the hell to dust from the power of friendship are all options.” Fluttershy, Rainbow, Boyfriend, and Girlfriend looked concerned at Pinkie. “What?” Fluttershy walked over to Boyfriend.
“Thanks for defending me.”
“What can I say? Friendship is funkin’.” There was a brief pause. “Yeah, that sounded cooler in my head.”
“More like friendship is magic,” Girlfriend added, “Sounds much better, doesn’t it?” Girlfriend magically made the speakers disappeared. “I’m kinda getting uncomfortable with all these ponies around, especially after I went demon mode. Let’s go.”
“I hear you Girlfriend,” Boyfriend replied, “I’m not unused to drawing crowds, but there’s usually more space between them than this.”
Exactly one week after Gilda visited and left Ponyville, Boyfriend had decided to show Girlfriend a surprise. They walked for a few minutes throughout town before coming across a house. “We finally got our own place to stay,” Boyfriend explained, “The living arrangements with Twilight was not ideal. We didn’t have our own bed the whole time.”
“Not to mention hearing noises I only want to hear from you and I,” Girlfriend said. The house itself was rather simple, being made up of two floors, a kitchen, living room, a single bathroom and master bedroom. “This is nice. You made enough bits already from rapping?”
“Not entirely. After sending a letter to Princess Celestia, she agreed to get us a place to stay. Her reply letter strongly hinted at her not being so happy with Twilight valuing sexual encounters over friendship and love. But that’s not our problem.”
“Although I will miss having Spike around for much of the day.”
“Yeah, but we’ll make more out of the time we do see him.”
“I’m pretty sure Pinkie is going to throw a...” Before Girlfriend could finish, Pinkie entered through the front entrance.
“Congratulations on your new home party!” She said as confetti spread from her front hooves.
“What timing. Were you just waiting for us?” Girlfriend asked.
“Why yes, I was. I like to surprise ponies. I was just hopping around town, and I noticed you two go to a seemingly empty house. So, I thought, you became the new owners.”
“I hope you’re not a stalker.” Pinkie looked offended by Girlfriend’s remark.
“I’m not! I only hide in bushes and stay out of sight for surprises.”
“So, stalking?”
“It sounds less bad if you don’t call it that.”
“You seem innocent enough. At least I hope there is no secret dark side that very cheerful people tend to have.”
“You silly billy. Your demonic transformation took us for a loop last week. It was yours truly and Boyfriend that got the ponies to stop freaking out.”
“I’m not evil. I do hope the ponies are not still scared of me.”
“By the way,” Pinkie changed the subject, “A magic show is starting soon, hosted by a mare named Trixie. Coming?”
“A magic show? Sounds fun, let’s go Boyfriend.”
“Sure babe. Although it is Friday, so I’m ready to rap if it comes to it.”
“Yay!” Pinkie shouted, “Your rapping is so much fun. Maybe I should try it someday.”
“Surely there are other rappers in Equestria,” Boyfriend thought out loud.
“Not important enough for our circle of friends to know.”
Twilight’s friends arrived at the show within mere minutes before it started. Trixie took the stage. “Welcome one and all, to a stunning performance by the one and only, Great and Powerful Trixie! Trixie is only the greatest stage magician in all of Equestria. Anypony wants to challenge that claim?” Trixie gave no time for anyone to answer. “Trixie didn’t think so. Behold, Trixie’s amazing defeat of the Ursa Minor.” Using her magic, Trixie acted out a fight between herself and the Ursa Minor, using magic to display smaller, transparent versions of herself and the Ursa Minor. The displays showed Trixie fending off the Ursa Minor with seemingly little effort. After that, she bowed. “As you can see, Trixie is all that she’s cracked up to be. Perhaps she’ll even take on an Ursa Major.”
“Umm... excuse me?” Rainbow asked out loud. “That Ursa Minor was not to scale like at all.”
“You think to interrupt my show? You know what, you can be a part of it. It’s more than Trixie would entertain for most other hecklers. Come on, show us something amazing.” Trixie waved her hoof toward Rainbow, daring her to come.
“Challenge accepted!” Rainbow gladly said as she then pulled out a pair of thick sunglasses. “Wait till you get a hold of my Sonic Rainboom!”
“Does that involve rainbows?” Trixie asked, “Are you trying to make Ponyville even gayer than it already is?”
“What? No.”
“You’re boring Trixie. Shoo. Who else wants to outperform the Great and Powerful Trixie?”
“Ah will!” Applejack accepted as she then walked up to the stage.
“An apple cutie mark? Trixie wonders if your flanks taste juicy.” Applejack felt very embarrassed by this comment. “Half the mares in this crowd probably can vouch for that.”
“Listen here you little troublemaker!”
“Tell that to Rainbow who interrupted Trixie’s show. Where’s your defense now? Off the stage. Any other challengers!” Boyfriend then stepped up to the stage.
“You think you’re hot shit? Rap battle me!”
“This is a magic show, not a rap battle, but if you insist. Watch as the Great and Powerful Trixie shows off yet another of her many talents; rap battling.” Trixie’s horn glowed as she levitated a microphone from within her cloak. Girlfriend went up to the stage, set her speakers down, and got on top.
Three, two, one, go!
“The Great and Powerful Trixie is going to school you. Trixie doesn’t need tricks.”
“No tricks are going to save you from me being dope on the mic.”
“Trixie is the best traveling magician. Her name gets across Equestria and soon, beyond.”
“So far I’ve been spitting in and around Ponyville, but word is getting around.”
“Ursa Minors, manticores, and dragons, are just a few who cannot stand up to Trixie.”
“Demons, duos, gunslingers, monsters, and evil spirits, plus more, cannot rap to the OG Boyfriend!”
“What is your claim to fame anyway?”
“Ending Nightmare Moon’s revenge with superior lyrics.”
“A worthy opponent. Although considering you’re an earth pony, Trixie won’t get outmatched by you in magic.”
“I don’t need magic, just pure talent, to get down on the mic. Just ask my opponents.”
“Hecklers try to interrupt Trixie’s shows, but they get burnt.”
“You invited others to dismiss before they could outmatch you.”
“Because Trixie knows she can match whatever attempts they come up with.”
“Is that so? Want to prove it? Or are you too afraid?”
“Afraid? As if.”
“Anyone can claim they done what you done. Seems easy to get famous that way, no?”
“Are you calling Trixie a liar? And why should we believe your feats?”
“Tricks are in your name. You entertain through tricky.”
“Of course, it makes a better show if Trixie exaggerates her feats.”
“So, you admit to it?”
“Yeah, so? It’s entertainment none the less, not history.”
“And what if someone were to test your claims?”
“It is hardly Trixie’s fault if they do so.”
“While entertaining children and denying challenges, except this rap.”
“Trixie is Great and Powerful for a reason.”
“Is that all you can do, is boast?”
“Trixie can... Trixie...”
“Try having the talent to backup your boasting. And yeah, consider yourself busted in front of a live audience.”
As the rap battle ended, the audience were cheering on Boyfriend. Trixie looked beyond humiliated. “No, this is my show! Upstaged at my own performance! Show’s over, go away now!” Before anyone could move, heavy stomping noises were heard. The ponies looked to see a Ursa Minor headed their way. Two colts ran up to Trixie.
“You said you could handle a Ursa Minor?” Snips asked.
“Now you can show everyone, it’ll be so cool!” Snails praised. Steam blew out of Trixie’s ears and veins were visible on her face.
“You fucking morons!” The crowd didn’t look pleased with Trixie’s choice of words. “Parden the language. Trixie is unprepared to deal with this now.”
“Can’t I make it go away by rapping?” Boyfriend asked.
“Not every problem can be solved that way,” Trixie answered. “Somepony better have a solution for this.”
“It’s my turn to shine!” Twilight said proudly. “Seeing how I’m one of the most powerful magic users in all of Equestria, with actual talent to back it up, I’ll handle this. I tried to be humble, too worried about looking like a show off in front of other ponies, but not anymore.” Through a display of magic, mostly telekinesis, Twilight managed to get the Ursa Minor to walk back into the Everfree Forest and go to sleep. “So, I can’t rap battle, but don’t discount Princess Celestia’s most faithful student, me, to show you what magic is really about.”
“I had enough!” Trixie then yelled. “I’ll be back and show you all! Just you wait!” As Trixie tried to take off, one of the wheels on her traveling wagon fell off.” Fuuuuu...”
“I do enjoy reading Twilight’s letters,” Celestia said to Luna. “I need to prepare her to rule over Equestria someday. I’m beyond tired of ruling, but Equestria will fall into complete chaos if I quit now without a good replacement.”
“I dare say you’re putting more of your faith in Boyfriend than Twilight.”
“He’s there to help solve issues that the Element bearers cannot, otherwise, they can handle anything else thrown their way. Twilight handled that Ursa Minor rather easily. Unlike that traitor Sunset Shimmer, Twilight is too pure to ever turn evil, intentionally. Being crazy and horny, yes. But I raised her to not make the same mistakes I did with Sunset.”
“Yet you haven’t flat out discouraged her from pursuing her sexual desires.”
“It helps to keep her under control. She’s still not used to being surrounded by mares she wants to spend time with. Her fellow peers in Canterlot didn’t get such a reaction out of her. And her seeing the mostly male Royal Guards led to a lot of sexual frustration.”
“I imagine so. Why when I was on the moon...”
“I don’t want to hear about your sex life.”
“I wasn’t going to mention that”
“A lot has changed in the thousand years you’ve been away. I’m surprised you picked up on modern grammar so quickly and not speaking in the ways of old anymore.”
“I know it’s a big help toward reintroducing myself to our little ponies.”
“Of course, I knew who Boyfriend and Girlfriend was before sending them here, but I had to play it up like I didn’t know what was going on when we first met. Although Twilight will probably figure this out in time or maybe not, she’s not very street smart or quick to catch onto social cues. Anyway, I’m going to bed so I won’t see whatever you do with the night sky. I do hope it isn’t messages about me sucking.”
“I surely would never dream of such a thing, of course not or the ponies will be talking about it. But don’t think I won’t figure out ways to get around you Tia.”
Later that night, Rainbow flew over to Fluttershy’s house and knocked on her door. Fluttershy took a moment to answer the door, given the late hour. “Hey Fluttershy, got a moment to talk?” Rainbow asked her.
“Sure, what’s up?” Fluttershy rubbed her eyes. She let Rainbow into the house.
“I’ve been thinking so much about the Gilda situation. She was very upfront about us being marefriends at one point. Seeing her return and witnessing Boyfriend drive her out of town makes me long for that sort of relationship again. Not with her, no way. I won’t get that kind of relationship with Twilight, at least not now. She’s way more interested in pleasing her own sexual desires over close interpersonal relationships.
“I’m not asking you to be my marefriend, at least I don’t think. The idea doesn’t bother me so much if I were. Yet, it feels kinda weird, not going to lie. Our relationship has a very strong sisterly bond. Suddenly changing that is... going to take time even for me. Although there is Spitfire of the Wonderbolts. That skintight suit, her...” Rainbow’s wings flared up. “I’m getting off track.”
“Where would you like us to be?”
“I’m still perfectly fine with friends. I don’t want to suddenly decide to woe you just because my ex-marefriend shown up. That would feel too sudden.”
“It’s okay Rainbow, we’re really close already, even if mostly in a sisterly way. It really upsets you that she randomly decided to show up and cause trouble?”
“For sure. And then she had the nerve to make you cry. If Boyfriend didn’t come to your defense, I was seconds away from straight up attacking Gilda. In hindsight, that might have made me look bad, but I don’t think these things do in the moment.”
“Please don’t hurt you own rep to stand up to me.”
“But I can’t stand to see you upset, especially if somepony or some griffon, in this case, caused that. I’m going to be my Element namesake, after all.”
“Someday, I want to be able to be the one to stand up for you. You’re often coming to my rescue. I feel weak.”
“Fluttershy, look at me. You are not weak! It takes a lot to be kind even when dealing with those who probably don’t deserve it. Sure, you’re somewhat of a doormat, no offense, but, that’s what we have each other for. If there’s something you can’t say to somepony, I can.” Rainbow then used her wings to cover Fluttershy, without meaning to. Fluttershy blushed at this.
“Would you like to... stay the night? In the same bed? Purely... friendly.”
Boyfriend and Girlfriend woke up, ready to get out of bed. “I’m so excited Boyfriend. You’re going to rap for the school ponies. Just remember, be nice and keep the profanity down.”
“Beep boop bop bep.” He said, confused at what just came out of his mouth.
“Err... Boyfriend? This isn’t one of your rap battles back on Earth.”
“Skdoo bep boop bop?”
“Use your actual words.”
“Bop skdoo bep boop beep?!”
“I’m getting worried. If this is a joke, it’s overstayed its course. I know you sometimes talk like this on purpose to piss off your opponents. Umm... I feel weird.” Girlfriend noticed her rear legs were very, very long, reaching far out of the bed. “Oh my god! What happened to my legs?! I know some people back home told me I’m legs for days, but this? This is a joke! You think we got pranked by a unicorn spell? In fact, we should ask Twilight. Although I’m going to have trouble getting these legs to move. Oh, I know! I’ll just ask a pony outside of our house to go fetch Twilight for us.”
“Beep!” Boyfriend said happily.
“Great, it’s a plan!” With some trouble, Girlfriend finally made it to the entrance. She spotted a gray pegasus with blonde colored mane and tail flying close to the ground. “Hey, you!” The mare came to a landing on the ground, very nearly having crashed. Girlfriend noticed the mare’s eyes going in different directions. “So, my boyfriend and I are having an issue. My legs are way too long and he can’t speak properly. I would go to Twilight’s treehouse, but that’s going to be too much effort. Can you go fetch me for her? Miss...”
“Derpy Hooves. Don’t worry, I got it, but then I need to get back to my mail delivery.” Girlfriend waited. At some point, she heard “Whoops, my bad!” in the distance, while an angry sounding mare yelled at Derpy. Another few minutes later, Twilight teleported to appear right in front of Girlfriend, catching her off guard.
“A little warning next time?” Girlfriend asked, annoyed.
“Sorry, I’m just used to teleporting where I need to be if I means I don’t need to strain myself walking as far. Soon I’ll get used enough to teleporting where I don’t have to walk at all, just to show off how great my magic is. Anyway, what seems to be the problem... What happened to your legs?”
“You tell me.”
“Hmm...” Twilight almost started to drool over looking at Girlfriend’s legs. “Reminds me of Celestia’s legs, but longer, and probably great for purposes...” Girlfriend almost slapped Twilight, but thought better about that after how Twilight handled the Ursa Minor last week.
“I told you I’m off limits to all but Boyfriend!”
“Sorry...” Twilight heavily blushed. “You’ve been infected with Poison Joke. It causes strange things to happen.”
“Like how Boyfriend is stuck only being able to talk in rap sounds? Do you have the cure?”
“I’ll need to go visit Zecora for that. She loves to speak in rhythm, which would be excellent in a rap battle, if she ever got in one. But I’ll settle for being probably the most powerful unicorn in Equestria.”
“Isn’t that the boasting we didn’t like from Trixie?, coming out of your mouth?”
“I can back it up unlike her. I do hope she comes back, we could study magic together and I could raise her into my harem... I mean... I’m getting the cure now, bye!” Twilight teleported away before Girlfriend could reply. Twilight returned a few minutes. “You’ll need to take a herbal bath. Problem is how your legs won’t fully fit in without getting a really big tub. Well, I might have to get a tube for dragons, but with no lava.”
“You give Spike lava baths?” Girlfriend asked.
“Nope, too dangerous for me. I’m sure he’ll handle lava just fine, but I’m trying to keep the number of accidents down to zero. Once I got the bath ready, I’ll leave you two alone since it probably won’t be an innocent bath and I rather not further Girlfriend’s wrath.”
“I don’t get it Pinkie,” Twilight said, while she and Pinkie lied next to each other in Twilight’s bedroom. A couple of hours passed since Twilight got Boyfriend and Girlfriend the cure for Poison Joke. “We did everything right up till the point where we faced Nightmare Moon. I made a big deal about the Elements of Harmony and the books said that they were how we were supposed to win. But at that point, they didn’t work. Did the Princess make a mistake?”
“Oh Twilight, I wouldn’t look that deep into it. The Elements didn’t come with a manual on how to use them. It’s not like the Princess would willingly send us into a losing situation. She cares too much about her subjects, especially you, to do that.”
“I just hope so. I... I’m so stupid! I should have known a rap battle would be the only option! I’ve studied history. Star Swirl the Bearded was quite the rapper back in his days and very good at magic, of course, but I didn’t think we would have to defeat Nightmare Moon that way.”
“Good thing Boyfriend and Girlfriend shown up when they did. The timing was so perfect it’s almost like... they arrived themselves to save us.”
“But why would they do that? It sounds like they had no idea of Equestria existing before they ended up here. They said Girlfriend’s dad sent them here, but even that doesn’t add up based on what we know.”
“Don’t overthink it silly! It’s not like Princess Celestia is secretly a troll or something. Although if I ruled for over a thousand years, I might get bored too. Okay, she probably is a troll, but what can you do?”
“I don’t know. What if she banishes me and locks me up in the place she banishes me to, just for asking?”
“I don’t think she’s an evil troll.”
“I hope you’re right. I know asking how you function is about as easy to figure out how anything exists at all, but why did you fall for me so easily?”
“Because nerds are hot! When I first met you, I knew you would be interested in making marefriends. You are so adorkable after all. The way you smile, how excited you get over your interests, and how much of a big brainy pants you are, are very attractive traits.”
“Surely another mare wants to join my harem by now. Ever since I got here it’s just been us two. Not to discredit you because I do get butterflies in my stomach over you.”
“That’s so cute and I love that about you!” Pinkie leaned in closer to kiss Twilight on the lips, holding it for about twenty seconds.
“You make me not regret being in this town where I’m easily the smartest pony here.”
“Don’t get a superiority complex unless you want to limit your harem to just mares like Trixie.”
“I’m trying, but it’s hard to be humble when I’m not on the same level as most of the other ponies here, or in Equestria for that matter.”
“Luckily for you, I’m a very patience pony.”
Meanwhile, way back on Earth during the same night of Boyfriend’s and Girlfriend’s disappearances, two demonic parents were frustrated. Both were humanoids with light purple skin color. “You’re the one who banished Boyfriend after you couldn’t accept your L’s” Mommy Mearest said.
“He upstaged every attempt I made against him. I can’t stand how our daughter is into that punk. I even tried to play up the fact Boyfriend dated a dude once and Girlfriend didn’t mind.”
“We had our shot, although I did a much better job trying to stop him. You barely gave him a struggle compared to me. I even challenged Boyfriend on a speeding limbo on the longest road ever with zero breaks for three songs in a row. I even lost some backup dancers who paid no attention to the signs that hit them.”
“Good thing we have as many of them as Tankman has soldiers.”
“Why were your raps so crap anyway?”
“I was his first real opponent since him and Girlfriend started dating. My hands were tied, okay? I wasn’t allowed to be hard. Had we switched places, I would have rapped much better than you.”
“Too bad for you, I’m the better rapper. Do you even know where Girlfriend is, Dearest?”
“I was trying to banish Boyfriend to off planet, where he would surely die in the vacuum of space. Maybe he has.”
“I felt interference as you casted that spell. You should have known Girlfriend would follow him.”
“Stupid, stupid! Now we need to find out where they are. Any idea who hijacked my spell?”
“Doesn’t seem to be anyone from on Earth. Whoever did so, they’ll wish they kept to themselves.”
“Yes! And it won’t be a rap battle, it’ll be a massacre.”
“If Girlfriend is found dead, I’ll kill you myself!”
“Knowing those two, they’ll survive stupidly dangerous situations. It’s almost like the brat can just simply rewind back time or something if he fails at a rap battle. But he doesn’t have any powers based on what I learned from stalking him.”
“I’m going to try a locator spell.”
“I tried already. Of course I want to keep tabs on our baby girl at all times. Either her signal is too far or she’s dead.”
“For your sake, it better be the former. But that means she’s off world somewhere. We’re going to other magicians, as much as I hate outside help, and we’re going to fix your screw up!”
Back in the present day, Boyfriend and Girlfriend were on their way to the only school in Ponyville that also only had one classroom and teacher. The mostly fillies and few colts were playing outside during their lunch break. All was not going well a couple of fillies were harassing three others.
“Blank flanks, blank flanks!” Diamond Tiara teased. “It’s a wonder you’re not failing in school with no special talents.”
“Buzz off Diamond!” Scootaloo threatened.
“Or else what? Use your useless wings? How pathetic is that? You can’t fly. It’s like being an unicorn who can use magic.”
“Quit it!” Apple Bloom stepped in. “It’s not her fault her wings don’t work properly.”
“Yeah, whatever. Maybe just try being born better I guess.” Her and Silver Spoon laughed at the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Girlfriend walked up to Diamond.
“That’s quite enough! There’s no need to be cruel like this.”
“Hey, ain’t you the demon pony?” Girlfriend flashed her eyes red. “Don’t hurt me! I’ll sic dad on you!”
“I have a better idea.” Girlfriend magically produced a microphone, than tossed it toward Diamond. “Settle it in rap!”
“What?!” Diamond picked up the mic. Boyfriend pulled out his own with a huge grin. “All I have to do is insult him a bunch? That’s what a rap battle is? Come on Silver. Watch me put him in his place!”
Three, two, one, go!
“I’m Diamond Tiara, richest filly in Ponyville. Bet you’re poor by comparison.”
“I got something better than money; friends, rapping, and an awesome girlfriend.”
“Really? Yeah, whatever. I do have a friend, the only one I need. She’s Silver Spoon.”
“She seems to be your bitch without much original thoughts or free will of her own.”
“That’s not true! We both know blank flanks are lesser ponies.”
“So, you bully ponies over the lack of a butt mark.”
“Yeah, look at those losers, trying to find their purpose.”
“Which is more worthwhile than your attitude could ever be.”
“Of course, you would defend these fillies. You barely look much older than them.”
“All the better when I school opponents double my size unlike you and Silver.”
“I don’t need to prove my superiority in a rap battle. This is such a waste of my time.”
“Is it really superiority though? Blank flanks that, rich that, beta bitch that. Take those away, what are you?”
“Shut up!”
“So, you got nothing left?”
“I do too!”
“Really? Like what?”
“I don’t need to explain myself to you!”
“Is this what you want your life to be, a bully?”
“I’m not a bully! Blank flanks suck!”
“Are you trying to make yourself look good by bragging about your parents’ wealth?”
“Of course, I use what I’m given and it’s more than most ponies.”
“Quit while you’re ahead before you ruin your own, Silver’s, and your family’s rep over pity bullshit.”
“Whatever!” Diamond threw a fit, “This was stupid and pointless anyway. So, I didn’t beat you in a rap battle. Big deal. These fillies still suck and I’m swimming in bits.” All eyes were on Diamond, including Silver’s. “What is everypony looking at? Go away! Nothing to see here. Screw this, I’m going home so dad can throw enough money to make the rapper and his girlfriend pay for humiliating me.”
“You think these two can ever reform, Boyfriend?” Girlfriend asked him.
“For their sake, they better. What would you do with an unredeemable evil child anyway? Banish them to Hell or lock them in stone?”
As Boyfriend and Girlfriend woke up, she noticed how their house looked good as new. “Did the repairs happened already?” She asked. “I thought the Parasprites destroyed the walls and ceilings of the buildings.”
“Not that I’m complaining, but yes, it looks like the attack never happened.”
“I am curious. Are ponies just that fast in repairing? Last night we were cold due to air blowing into the many cracks in our home.”
“I dunno, magic I guess.” Boyfriend shrugged.
“Twilight mentioned a lava bath last week. I want to take one.”
“Wait, really? Won’t you burn to a crisp?”
“I am a demon and we’re known to come from Hell, which is full of lava. Surely, we would have at least some resistance to it. Although how that would transfer over to my pony form, I don’t know.”
“You get so many benefits from being a demon and unicorn. I’m just a human with no powers or rather, an earth pony now, who also have no powers. At least I should have become a pegasus.”
“We could ask Applejack what special talents earth ponies have.”
“I hope it isn’t just farming, no way I ever want to do that.”
“I don’t think asking Pinkie would do any good, given her clearly unusual abilities that seemingly no other ponies have.”
“You know what? I miss being human, with fingers and being able to eat meat and fish without throwing up. I know your parents want me dead, but surely they want to try to get you back home?”
“They’re probably working on it. Although I do wonder if they want me gone too because I date you. Seriously, what is their problem?! Do they think I can’t pick a good boyfriend? You’re not controlling me or doing awful other shit that my parents would kill over.”
“I wouldn’t put it pass them. Here, at least in Ponyville, they have no cell phones, no TVs, no computers, or a lot of the technology we have back home. And yet they have arcade machines with games similar to those way before our time like a pony version of Space Invaders and Pitfall.”
“Look on the bright side. You’re absolutely killing it in rap battles. Look at the problems we solved already.”
“And the rest are solved by Twilight and her friends.”
“We’re her friends too.”
“Of course, but we’re not element bearers. What would our elements be anyway? Element of Rap? Element of Demonic? At least we had our cutie marks the moment we ended up here so we can avoid all the blank flank drama.”
“The only one making fun of blank flanks are Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They been mostly quiet since losing the rap battle last week.”
“Goes to show the power of words. I’m glad none of this came to blows, although Gilda came close.”
“Don’t worry. Anypony... I mean, anyone tries, and they must get through me. Anypony, somepony, everypony, yeah. We been here long enough to start saying that. In fact, ponies can’t even tell we’re technically aliens unless they’re told. If we were in our human forms, we would stand out so much more.”
“It’s Friday. How long before the required rap battle?”
“Probably sooner than you think.”
“Tia, you work quickly,” Luna noticed.
“After Pinkie driven the Parasprites away from Ponyville, I took a more, direct hoof in all of this.”
“What did you do to them?”
“I sent them to the sun.”
“But won’t they immediately die there?”
“That’s the point.”
“You’re vengeful.”
“They serve no purpose but to be harmful, just like wasps, so they will no longer trouble my little ponies.”
“You didn’t want to use this chance for Twilight and her friends to figure out how to fix Ponyville?”
“That’ll take too much time away from what I want Twilight and company to learn. I could have gone the extra mile in making everypony forget about what the Parasprites did, but I’m already carrying more than enough secrets and it’s exhausting.” Celestia than started to smile. “I can hardly wait for Twilight to come back home next week.”
“What festive or party this time? I must say, Ponyville has a lot and I doubt I’ve seen the last of them.”
“I like to keep ponies busy. It’s all about that positive reinforcement. I don’t think they could handle real hardship very well. In a way, it’s my fault for solving so many of their problems.”
“Could you just stop coddling them?”
“If only it were that simple. But Twilight and her friends are already the solution, like how Twilight dealt with an Ursa Minor and how Fluttershy dealt with a dragon. Boyfriend will handle the rap battles and the element bearers, everything else. This setup ensures I only have to do real work once in a blue moon.”
“So, if I make the moon blue nightly, you’ll do much more work Tia?”
“We still have to cover some figures of speech.”
Twilight’s closest friends, including Boyfriend and Girlfriend, gathered at her tree home. “The Grand Galloping Gala is next Friday,” Twilight informed, “I’m going to be meeting Princess Celestia again after a month. And I get to meet Princess Luna again now that she’s settled in. I can hardly wait!”
“I get to meet Prince Blueblood,” Rarity said, holding her head with her hooves while having a dreamy smile. “I want to get really close to him.” There was a pause for several seconds.
“Bag pardon, you’re straight?” Applejack asked.
“I’m flexible. Even I can’t escape the mares loving mares nature of Ponyville. Oh, word darling. You almost look like you recovered from a heart attack.”
“Are we sure this is a good idea?” Fluttershy worried. “There’s going to be so many ponies there and even more nerve wrecking, they’re important high-class ponies.”
“I’m sure there’ll be animals there, daring,” Rarity said, while rubbing Fluttershy’s back.
“I’m throwing a party on top of the party,” Pinkie exclaimed, “What can possibly go wrong? I have a maybe autistic marefriend while Boyfriend and Girlfriend are autistic for sure. No way Prince Blueblood can be anything but a well upstanding stallion. I’m sure this Gala will be fine!” Pinkie looked around the room. “Yeah, this is going to suck, but hey, that just builds our strength of character.”
“I’m going to show the Wonderbolts how a real peagsus flies,” Rainbow boasted. “And catch Spitfire’s sweet, sweet flank assets as well. What? A goal’s a goal.”
“We didn’t say anything Dash,” Twilight replied, while blushing. “Sweet skintight mare flanks... excuse me. What about you two?” Twilight asked Boyfriend and Girlfriend. “Got any specific plans?”
“Rap,” Boyfriend answered, “Maybe it’ll be a friendly rap once instead of me putting someone in their place.”
“I’ll just enjoy the event, and of course Boyfriend’s rapping,” Girlfriend said.
“Applejack?” Boyfriend asked, “What makes earth ponies special?”
“We’re some of the honest, most hard working...”
“I meant like powers.”
“We’re physically stronger than other ponies. Mai brother practically has super strength. And we have great endurance, if y’all know what ah mean.” She finished winking. “And of course, the whole connection to nature thing although Fluttershy has that and she ain’t no earth pony.”
“I thought it had to do with growing plants,” Boyfriend replied.
“It does,” Pinkie said, “in an unclosed number of generations away from now when ponies will forget all about our friendship lessons and be separated again and we’ll be legends.” Everyone looked surprised. “Just a guess.”
Later that day, Boyfriend was reading one of Spike’s comic books. The peace was not to last. “Boyfriend!” Spike shouted, who looked like he ran in a hurry. “The Diamond Dogs kidnapped Rarity! They demanded a rap battle for her release.”
“We’re coming! You didn’t gather our other friends to overpower them?” Girlfriend asked.
“I would have gotten Twilight to absolutely destroy them with her magic, till they declared a rap battle. You don’t want to witness what happens if you try to cheat the system.”
“Fine,” Boyfriend said, putting the comic book down on the page he left off. “Are we talking dogs literally made out of diamonds? In Equestria, I can’t rule that out.”
“Nah, not quite. But they’re just big jerks mostly. What is it with so many non-ponies being so rude? I hope the dragons are better behaved.” Girlfriend used her telekinesis to bring Spike over.
“Even if the other dragons turn out to be big fat meanies, you’re you, a dragon raised by ponies, who seem to be the kindest species in Equestria.”
“Although that makes me wonder if I’m truly a dragon.”
“Can we do this later?” Boyfriend asked, “We gonna save Rarity. You can question your entire being later.”
“Right, just as I was having a moment. Come on before Rarity has a breakdown.” Girlfriend put Spike on her back as Spike pointed which way to go. They entered the mines and found a huge cart full of gems attached to Rarity. The three Diamond Dogs appeared to be in emotional pain.
“Spike?” Girlfriend asked. “Are we sure we need to rescue Rarity? The Diamond Dogs appear to be annoyed out of their minds.” Suddenly one of them noticed the newcomers.
“Finally, someone else! Let’s rap, just to get her to shut up.”
“I count three of you, not that I can’t handle this,” Boyfriend bragged.
Three, two, one, woof!
“Bow wow. Diamond Butt is ours to get us gems.”
“That’s Rarity to you. Have you tried asking her nicely?”
“Not Diamond Dogs way. We take by force.”
“Against some of the most powerful ponies around? Good luck.”
“Diamond pony so whinny and annoying. Yet she is our key to gems.”
“Yeah, she can be, sure, but this is your fault. You pushed her!”
“Diamond Dogs find common ground with short rapping stallion.”
“Over Rarity’s personality? No, but I’ll take her whining over your entire deal.”
“Diamond Dogs superior to ponies, just need her for gems.”
“Is this going to be a pattern with any other species vs. ponies? Going to need a lot of friendship lessons to end these negative feelings.”
“Bark, woof! Diamond Dogs take gems, get rich, get more gems, get richer.”
“Clearly sounds like you don’t enjoy Rarity’s company. Come on, let her go.”
“But this is our big break. Look at those gems, we’ll be set for months!”
“And how do you plan to get more gems months from now? Kidnap Rarity again?”
“We not think that far ahead. That problem for future Diamond Dogs to worry about.”
“Let the gems go. You forced Rarity against her will to mine them for you.”
“Gems are fair and square.”
“Do you want more whining?”
“Diamond Dogs can no longer stand whiny pony or rap battle.”
“Give up your goods gained through forced labor and we’re good.”
“This hardly worth the effort. We go.”
“You could try finding the gems yourself. How, don’t know, but not my problem.”
The Diamond Dogs left in shame after the rap battle. “I hope we don’t see them again for like another twenty years,” Spike commented. Unlashing her connection to the gem cart, suddenly Rarity came running toward her friends, looking somewhat rough for wear.
“Thank Celestia! They have no grace or style. Even my generosity isn’t enough to extent to these savages! What would we ever do without you Boyfriend?”
“Try to get a rapper to deal with Nightmare Moon’s eternal night?”
“Yeah, could you believe that? I’m taking a nice long bath. I wish I had some pony to join me.”
“How about me?” Spike asked.
“No!”
“Aww come on.”
“Maybe when you’re older. And don’t take that as a sign to go on some crazy quest to get an aging spell or potion. We already have enough random events happening around Ponyville as it is."
The Grand Galloping Gala had arrived. Twilight and her friends were going to have an amazing night. It was going to be worth the wait. It was going to be more than they could have ever hoped for. It was...
It was going to completely backfire and suck, but they didn’t know that yet. Rarity made dresses for everyone except Spike and Boyfriend. Girlfriend gushed at seeing Boyfriend in the formal suit that Rarity made for him. “We look absolutely amazing Boyfriend!” Girlfriend praised, “Rarity knows how to bring out the very best in our looks.”
“For a pony, this is pretty fancy. You look great too babe! Wonder what I’ll look like back as a human with this style of uniform. It’ll help my fame even more, although of course I would need to save it for special occasions. You know, I wonder how it is back home since we’ve been missing for over a month.” Before they could ponder that, Twilight used her magic to perform some transformations. She transformed an apple to a carriage. It went simple enough, but her spell to transform four mice into ponies had mixed results.
“Sweet Celestia!” Rarity cried out, seeing ponies with mice tails and faces.
“I’m not exactly used to casting these transformation spells on living beings,” Twilight admitted, looking nervously around her.
“Are they going to stay ponies?” Girlfriend asked.
“No. The transformation spells should wear off in a few hours.”
“Let’s get going before something else goes wrong,” Rainbow Dash said.
“It’s Friday and you know what that means,” Pinkie announced, smiling.
“Something goes wrong and I have to rap battle to solve it,” Boyfriend answered, annoyed.
“Yes. You know how the formula goes.”
“Pinkie!” Twilight called out, “Maybe we’ll get spared this week. This is being hosted by the princesses. It should be fine.” Twilight then started to blush, “I’m going to meet Princess Celestia after over a month without seeing her. I’m so excited. And I get to meet Princess Luna again too.”
“Twilight,” Rarity started, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’m sure they’ll be glad to see you, but in a purely friendly way.”
“I... I can dream! She must have so many years of experience. I miss the royal flank.”
“Bag pardon,” Applejack injected, “but don’t you already have Pinkie as your marefriend?”
“Yes, but just one marefriend. My harem must expand, because I’m horny and I’ve been too shy up till this point.”
Once Twilight’s group arrived at the Gala, Twilight quickly went to Celestia, who then led them into a private room just for the two of them. Twilight was very quick to jump into a hug. “Princess!” The hug lasted for several seconds before Celestia broke it off.
“Twilight! I am glad to meet you again after the letters you sent me. I’m happy you’re adjusting well to Ponyville.”
“There were some things I wanted to talk about that wouldn’t have worked in letters because they’re not as fast as live chats. I can’t help but think the timing was very coincidence for Boyfriend and Girlfriend arriving right before they were needed to deal with Nightmare Moon. I used the Elements of Harmony and they seemingly did nothing. Did we used the Elements wrong?” Celestia had a serious look at first, before quickly taking on a smug smile.
“Have a seat, Twilight.” Twilight did so. “I want you to grow and lean on your friends. Not too often though, you are the most capable of any of them except when it comes to rap battles, Boyfriend has all of us beaten. You’re well on your way to becoming the most OP unicorn in Equestria history. I don’t want you losing track of what’s most important, relationships.”
“Really? I think I see what you mean. I’m doing great on relationships, right? I have several close friends and even my harem that’s mostly empty so far but is going to be full of hot mares in time. Pinkie kissing me was one of the greatest moments in my life. I know it’s greedy, but I want more ponies to love me. Surely a great unicorn like me can have that.”
“I don’t doubt you can Twilight, but make sure not to end up like a Trixie. I’m well aware that you probably want me in bed with you.” Twilight heavily blushed at this, “But in due time. You probably wouldn’t want to go back to having sex with other mares once you experienced me. I would give you a preview like a light kiss on the lips, but even now you struggle to look either at my face or ass. At least I raised you better than Sunset Shimmer.”
“I can hardly wait! Excuse me... I’ve just been lonely for so long and up till some weeks ago, I didn’t even care about friendship. Who is this Sunset Shimmer?”
“A previous student of mine who became a queen bee bitch and flew into another world to rule as a high school student. Although she’s older than you and you’re already an adult, so I have no idea how she remains in high school in that world.”
“What is this other world?”
“It’s where we have human beings. They stand on two legs, wear clothes most of the time because they can’t hide their genitals like us ponies, have more advanced technology than we do, and are some of the most violent species you’ll ever meet.”
“This is not going to be an anti-human thing, is it?”
“Nope. You should see human women. They have boobs and they’re the greatest spheres on chests ever. Humans are resourceful, probably even more than we are. They lack magic, but more than make up for it with their mastery of tools. You should give that world a chance sometimes.”
“What about my other questions?”
“Boyfriend and Girlfriend have a purpose to being here. While I haven’t done a very good job of exposing you to it, rap battles are a sacred tradition in Equestria. Aside from trash talking, they ensure conflicts do not get violent.”
“This doesn’t sound like a freak accident that they ended up here. How do you know this?”
“Because I brought them here.”
“What?!”
“With help from Girlfriend’s salty parents. I’ve been eyeing Boyfriend for some time. He almost got banished into space to die, but I took manners into my own hooves and use my magic with that of Girlfriend’s father to redirect the teleportation.”
“Do they know about it?”
“Nope, and it is better it stays that way. I will get them home, but I, I mean Equestria, simply needs them too much right now.”
“What about ponies who can rap? What about you? And it seems Boyfriend’s opponents, regardless of who they are, can also rap.”
“You ask some hard questions, not that I would have raised you not to. It’s simple. This is more fun for everyone else involved. Don’t let it be said I don’t want my little ponies to be entertained. When you live as long as me, you want to spice up the mundane days.”
“And what of the Elements of Harmony.” Celestia paused for several seconds before resuming her smug smile.
“Oh Twilight, as long as rap battles can solve issues, there’s no need for those things. But in the event that Boyfriend should ever lose a rap battle and the opponents don’t challenge someone else to one, well, then you and most of your friends should finally have your moment to shine.”
“But you seemed so surprised when you arrived after Nightmare Moon was defeated.”
“I’ve got to keep up appearances. I know you wouldn’t ever have a coltfriend. Now, you have the rest of the Gala to attend to. It’ll probably be an absolute disaster, so enjoy yourself.”
As Twilight returned to the party, she took notice of Rarity.
“Prince Blueblood!” Rarity called out to him while waving. There he was, his dashing good looks, a professional styled mane...
A cocky smile and rotten look. He looked over to Rarity. “And you are?”
“Rarity, the most generous and pretty pony at the Gala.” Rarity moved close to him.
“Please. That mane? So last season. And your dress? Did a bum make that?” Steam was blowing out of Rarity’s ears as her face turned red.
“What?! I’m something of a professional fashionist.”
“Where at?”
“Ponyville.”
“That backwater town of poor ponies? Would explain a lot. And if you’re from Ponyville, then you probably have no interest in me that way. Good, because I don’t either.” Rarity was speechless for several seconds. This did not go unnoticed by other ponies around, especially Boyfriend and Girlfriend.
“Another hick unicorn. I did not want such ponies speaking to me.” Girlfriend looked angry and her fur started to turn purple.
“Don’t babe, he isn’t worth that,” Boyfriend stepped in. He then pulled out his microphone. “Let’s throw down!”
“Yes Boyfriend!” Rarity called out, “Rap battle this brute some manners!”
“A rap battle, seriously?” Blueblood asked, not looking amused.
“Well, they’re how I solve my problems.” Boyfriend explained.
“And how does that prove anything? Whatever, I’ll entertain this silly notion because I don’t have much else better to do right now.”
“Fine. Second week in a row I’ll be defending Rarity’s honor. And you won’t get away with talking to my Girlfriend like that either!” Blueblood did not have a microphone going into the rap battle.
Three, two, one, go!
“I’m the Prince Blueblood! Royalty flows through my veins. What sort of commoner are you?”
“Only the very best rapper around, The Boyfriend! Your royal status means nothing to me.”
“Really? Then why haven’t I heard of you? Prepared to get schooled boy!”
“I have a thing for out rapping assholes like you. Bring it on!”
“I’m a self-made stallion. Dashing good looks, charming personality, what’s not to like?”
“That you’re a complete and utter narcissistic, hiding behind your birth status, perhaps?”
“Flaunt it if I got it. Part of the perks of being high class and the distant nephew of Princess Celestia.”
“Clearly you were not raised with proper manners of like any kind. No wonder why nopony wants you after meeting you.”
“Please, as if I need a pony from the backwater town of Ponyville. No mare can meet my standards.”
“Of being completely self-absorbed? Oh noes, who could possibly be missing out? You could settle for a bit digger.”
“Like I’ll let any two-bit whore get any of my wealth.”
“What can you do aside from spoiling a wife with riches?”
“What? I’m not sharing anything. I’m a prince, dammit, and I won’t let this talking down to from a lowlife pony continue!”
“Funny that. You’re a prince and a unicorn. The princesses are alicorns. You’re not exactly getting the best deal out of this.”
“We... don’t talk about that!”
“Looking a little blue? Can’t stand to deal with a pony you can’t step over?”
“You’re pissing me off you little shit!”
“And what are you going to do about that?”
“I’ll get my aunts or the Royal Guard to kick you out!”
“Over what?”
“Annoying me!”
“While you do that to about everypony here.”
“Please. Maybe they should get out of the kitchen if they can’t stand the heat.”
“You really have no clue just how you come off, do you? The princesses can kick your ass out, just like that.”
“They love me too much.”
“Are you sure about that? Your attitude is holding you back.”
“From what?”
“Being likeable, for one. And earning any sort of real respect.”
“I had more than enough being talked down to by a small earth pony. This rap battle has gone on more than long enough. Go white knight over Rarity some more, I’m done.”
The crowd cheered on Boyfriend while booing Blueblood and throwing fruit at him. Celestia shown up in front of Bluebood. “You gotta do something about him!” Blueblood bagged.
“Do what exactly?”
“He made me look bad!”
“You have done that yourself!”
“I... wait, what?!”
“You’re an embarrassment to me.” Blueblood started to very visibility sweat.
“No, you... please Aunt Celestia! Why?!”
“Because I wanted you to be as humiliated as possible. The news will take about this for weeks.”
“You betrayed me!”
“I warned you plenty of times about your narcissistic behavior and every time you’ve done nothing to improve. Now start packing, you’re out of this castle.”
“But where will I live?”
“I missed the part where that’s my problem.”
“You troll! Doesn’t matter, I’ll get back on my hooves in no time!” The audience cheered on Celestia and Boyfriend while Blueblood left as quickly as possible. Moments later, Rarity ran up to Twilight and kissed her deeply on the lips for several seconds. As the kiss broke off, Twilight processed it.
“I’m... I’m so happy that you kissed me. But I wonder why now?”
“Because Prince Blueblood is no longer a suitable option for me. I am horny and a lady has her needs.”
“Don’t you want a chance at another stallion?”
“Not for now.”
“We can end the party with a bang!” Pinkie shouted.
“Pinkie?!” Twilight yelled. “Not so publicly.”
“Of course, it would be a three way between us in private.”
“But don’t mention it right in public.”
“It’s fine Twilight. I’m sure most of the ponies here already know about your strong lust for mares.”
“Can we just go already? This party was terrible except when Boyfriend went down hard on Blueblood... not in that way!” Twilight had started to sweat. “Let’s go before I ruin Rarity’s dress with sweat or draw anymore unwanted attention.”
The same night that Twilight and Spike made it back home, Twilight noticed Spike looked very upset, but neither of them said anything on the trip back. She tried to hug him but he wouldn’t let her. Once inside the library, dialogue finally happened. “I can hardly believe it!” Spike fumed, “I didn’t think Rarity would go for mares, yet alone you.”
“Spike,” Twilight began calmly, “She’s your first crush, it wasn’t meant to be. Besides, she’s an adult mare and you’re a baby dragon. I didn’t know she would fall for me either, especially right then and there in the middle of the Gala. I mean, I liked it, but it was unexpected.”
“You’re going to build a harem of hot mares and I get nothing.”
“I knew things would be very different for you growing up, since you’re one of the very few dragons living among ponies and you age differently from ponies. It’s not like I can just easily find a baby dragon girl for you. Even if Rarity gone for Prince Blueblood, that’s still the same as not choosing you.”
“But she rejected that jerk. She could have picked me.”
“Well, she might be bisexual, but you’re still too young in either case. I’m not great with love advice. It wasn’t till over a month ago that I found love. How Pinkie fell for me right away is about as well-known as to how her so-called Pinkie Sense works, but I’ll take it. Princess Celestia thinks I still need to learn a lot about romance in addition to friendship.” Twilight hugged Spike again as he started to become tear eyed and this time Spike didn’t reject it.
“I’m sorry I overreacted like that Twilight. It’s just that Rarity is so perfect, so beautiful. And it’s not like I really know any colts or stallions to talk to aside from Boyfriend and even he has a relationship with the only mare in our group that’s not into other mares, I think.”
“It’s okay Spike, it’s growing pains. Now if you excuse me, I need my... alone time before going to bed. Amazing how quickly you learn soundproof spells in such cases.”
The next day, Spike went to Boyfriend’s and Girlfriend’s home. Inside, he found Boyfriend making rap noises to no one in particular. Spike didn’t see Girlfriend around. Boyfriend stopped his session upon seeing Spike.
“I’m still not over Rarity going for Twilight yet,” Spike complained.
“Was it anything ever serious?”
“She had a pet nickname for me, called me Spikey Wikey. I felt she led me on.”
“First crush huh? I’ve been there too.”
“Girlfriend is not your first girlfriend?”
“Yes, but my first crush was with this guy named Pico. At the time, I was still finding my footing with rapping. We were in the same school and I was doing an after school performance. He really took notice of me and wanted to know more about me. Most students wouldn’t have done that. We started finding things we had in common like music and video games. At the time, I didn’t know I would fall for him, yet alone a guy. I think he was scared of getting too close to me because I might not be interested. He made the first moves and then we hit it off.”
“So, what happened? How did you two break up?”
“He wouldn’t let go of the guns. I’m not a violent guy, but he is and it only gotten worse over time. Now, he didn’t hurt me or even threatened to hurt me, at least at the time. We spent less time together and got into more arguments until we made the decision to break it off. Let me tell you, that was absolute hell. But luckily, that would not last long. Girlfriend came into my life shortly after and we’re only getting closer, not further apart, over time.
“Pico and I just mostly said nothing to each other throughout the rest of our schooling time. It wasn’t long ago we would meet again when Daddy Dearest hired him to assassinate me. Pico couldn’t do it. He even shot at me but missed on purpose.”
“At least it worked out for you.”
“Spike. At least you were not turned down by Rarity, because you never got into a relationship with her in the first place. While your crush died, the friendship you two share hasn’t. Now I don’t know if the girl, or boy, for you is going to pop up in your life anytime soon. Don’t you dragons live a really long time, like for hundreds of years? Your life is barely getting started.
“Hey, how about I cheer you up? Wanna learn how to rap? You’ve seen how many problems it can solve.”
“Spike the Rapper?! Yeah, I like the sound of that!”
Within Celestia’s room, a portal appeared on the ceiling and out dropped a unicorn stallion with a purple coat and dark purple mane, with some of it on his chest. His eyes were red. He looked at himself as well as he could without a reflection. “What the fuck happened to me?!”
Celestia looked at him, somewhat amused. “I knew it was only a matter of time before Girlfriend’s parents would show up. Why hello Daddy Dearest. Were you hoping to get your daughter back?”
“Of course, and no horses are going to get in my way. And when I find Boyfriend, I’m going to rip his balls a new one!”
“Cute. But I cannot allow that because I have use for them. I knew you would find a way to get here eventually, so I altered the teleportation destination a bit and perverted your wife from also coming through. Let me be clear. I could end you where you stand like banishing you to the moon. The only reason you’re living is because I don’t want to upset Girlfriend by killing her evil parents.”
“You think you’re so tough horse?! Perhaps it’s time you learned what demons can do to you!”
“Fine then, a rap battle as per usual in your world.”
Three, two, one, go!
“My daughter doesn’t need that punk Boyfriend. My wife and I already got her the perfect man.”
“Arranged relationships, what could possibly go wrong? You can’t trust your daughter to make her own decisions?”
“Daddy knows best! She’s 19, I’m way older.”
“And yet she chose Boyfriend over your pick.”
“She’ll realize in time her parents made the right decision. What does she see in that annoying boy?”
“Love, care, companion. You’re a control freak. If you really care for your daughter, you’ll accept her decisions.”
“Not a chance, that’s what parents are for, to guide their children in their right direction.”
“Have you tried to see the positives in Boyfriend? He’s not perfect, but he’s good enough.”
“What’s there to see? He’s human, he’s shorter than her, and he has no powers. She even chose to look human for him.”
“And they found love in spite of it all. I’ve lived far longer than you and I’ve seen all kinds of relationships work.”
“She’ll ruin the Dearest family name with Boyfriend!”
“No, but you certainly will if you keep this up. Instead of only looking into the negatives, look for the positives. Although your daughter is only 19, trust that she’s grown enough to have made a wise decision.”
“I told you, I already found her the perfect mate.”
“You think she’ll love him back just because you see him as the so-called perfect choice? You think she won’t be unhappy with a boyfriend you chosen for her with zero input on her part? Do you want your daughter to hate you? Because that’s how you get your daughter to hate you. Stop getting in the way of her man. Be that supportive father.”
“Damn horse! I’ll have you know I’m very powerful beyond spitting epic verses.”
“How cute. You were Boyfriend’s easiest opponent. You’re merely a warmup for me.”
“I had to give him a chance, make him think he’s hot shit. During a Christmas week, my wife and I went much harder on him.”
“And guess who isn’t here? You, harder? Please! She proven a bigger challenge for Boyfriend on top of speeding cars by herself. You held her back.”
“I had enough of this! Witness what I can do to you outside of a rap battle!”
“This shall be fun. If you think you can step over me, well, time to learn demon!”
Daddy Dearest began to build up magical energy to transform into a hulking brute of a stallion, almost matching Celestia in size compared to his average stallion size prior. His front hooves became claws and he leaped in the air, ready to strike at the princess. He got caught in a magical bubble that Celestia formed around him. “I really do prefer non-violent solutions, barring a few exceptions like the Parasprites. But I know you can be reasoned with.”
“How the hell are you powerful so?!”
“Because I’m one of the only alicorns around, with godlike powers. Your power is hot shit where you’ve came from, but against a pony like me, pitiful. Listen, I am going to bring Boyfriend and Girlfriend over. You can stop wasting your energy. The bubble will shrink the more you resist. I will bring no harm to you if you cease your attack. And once you three had a talk, I’m sending you back while keeping these two here and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Moments later, a portal appeared in which Boyfriend and Girlfriend came out of.
“Daddy!” Girlfriend cried out.
“Get me out of here! Attack that horse!”
“How did you even find us out here?” Girlfriend asked.
“Let’s say I pulled some favors with the rap gods to find my daughter.”
“Are you trying to kill me yet again?” Boyfriend asked.
“Daddy, I told you time and again, he is my Boyfriend and we’re very close. If you would stop trying to get in the way of my love life, I’ll love that. I thought you said you were cool with him before, till you hired an assassin after him and got us both trapped in a video game. I know he’s a human being. It’s not like I set out to date a human, but he really moved me. I promise you our family name isn’t ruined, at least not with anyone that matters.”
“Dude,” Boyfriend started, “I’m tired of you being such a control freak. You’re one of her parents, be a good example! So, I’m not a demon, so what. Does that make me unqualified to be her lover? I rap battled some of the most dangerous beings around like the lemon head monster, to protect Girlfriend and me. I went through so much bullshit that people like you had thrown at us. And you know what all this hardship has done? Strengthen GF’s bond. With me, made us closer than ever. So, if that was secretly your plan all along, fantastic! But I highly doubt it.” There was silent for several seconds before anyone else spoke.
“I’m... sorry.” Daddy Dearest began, “You know I always want what’s best for you Girlfriend. I don’t want you to end up with some punk who can’t take care of you or worse, abuses you. I find anyone does that to you and they’re getting burnt to ashes, no questions asked. Yet, the little pipsqueak has handled everything thrown at him. He’s been put through hell and back, yet, he’s never stopped holding his own.” Daddy started to smile and clap his hooves. “You know what Boyfriend? You were so different from what I arranged for my daughter and yet, I can see how you two are made for each other. I should have known you being the brother of Hatsune Miku was worth something. You have my word I won’t bother you no more, unless you start slacking off. My daughter means the world to me, so you keep making me proud.”
“Thanks man,” Boyfriend replied. “She is my world, along side rapping. Even thrown into this situation where we’re both ponies in a strange world, I’m still challenging creatures to rap battles and winning.” Boyfriend then turned to Celestia. “You can bring us back home, right?”
“Daddy gets to go, but you two I still have use for.”
“What do you mean?” Girlfriend asked.
“Because I’m too lazy to train up ponies to be rap battlers or do it myself when I’m ever so busy making sure Equestria doesn’t fall apart without me micromanaging so much day to day activities.”
“BF is that amazing?” Girlfriend gushed for a few seconds, “but we can go home at some point?”
“I can’t say exactly when. You won’t go unrewarded.”
“You can rap, why him?” Daddy asked?
“Because you forced my hoof. Besides, why do myself if someone else can do it better?.”
“But you lived for at least a thousand years,” Girlfriend added.
“Spent ruling Equestria. Besides, we have heroes to do the hard work that’s not keeping Equestria from falling apart. Now, it’s time for everyone to go. Back to Ponyville with you two. And as for you Daddy, back to Earth. Tell Mommy Mearest I said hi.”
Celestia could not help but chow down on a very nice-looking piece of cake. Whoever cooked this deserved a raise! While she was eating, a very strange creature appeared, looking to be a mismatch of several creatures.
“Why hello Celie. I see you haven’t aged a day.” He spoke.
“Discord, you escaped? But how? I personally saw to it that you were stoned.”
“Would you believe a little filly whose wings don’t work broke me free by mistake?”
“Scootaloo! I’ve should’ve known the Cutie Mark Crusaders would cause more trouble than fillies their age usually do. I really need to idiot proof anything related to past foes.” Celestia followed up with a smirk. “While you’ve been stoned, I only gotten stronger.”
“Funny you say that. You really haven’t changed a day, have you? Your rump looks the same a thousand years later. You’re still ever so predictable. Did you think to question that cake?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why it was created by yours truly. I know you would just put me back in stone right away, so I got a little creative.”
“My magic, it isn’t working!”
“You always did think too highly of yourself.”
“Luna will deal with you!”
“Oh, her? Yeah, she’s far from full power after that whole Nightmare Moon phase. Maybe I should convince her to become Nightmare Moon again. The most powerful ponies are useless to stop me. I think your little ponies can use some... excitement in their heavily curated lives.”
“Twilight Sparkle will stop you! You have no idea how powerful she is.”
“Sounds fun. You just stick around for a while; not like you’re going anywhere anytime soon. I thought you liked trolling. Anyway, lemme make some adjustments to what you very carefully built over your lifetime. I’m gonna love it!”
“I would challenge you to a rap battle, but I feel too weak right now.”
“Oh, how sad. Those silly things are still used? Equestria sure hasn’t changed much at all in my absent.”
As Boyfriend and Girlfriend woke up the next day, they noticed something very strange was going on outside. The sky looked an orange checkboard pattern and houses were floating. “BF? What madness is in store for this Friday?”
“Shit. This town is crazy. Not even Pinkie Pie could have caused this much mayhem. You know what? Let’s just get this over with. Whatever the hell caused this I’ll just rap battle. No reason it shouldn’t work now.”
“Let’s go check up on our friends, maybe they’ll know what’s up and I don’t mean just the ponies floating around in a panic.”
The two arrived at Twilight’s house. Upon entering, they saw Twilight in a panic, with a mane and tail that looked like they weren’t maintained in weeks. “What in Celestial’s mane am I supposed to do?! I’m used to overpowering magic with my own magic, but not this time!”
“The power of friendship,” Boyfriend answered.
“Of course, except trying to find my friends out here has been frustrating.”
“Kinda hard to do so when you’re here.”
“I couldn’t find them so I came back home to try to find books that might offer another solution.”
“Relax Twilight, you know I can rap battle whoever is behind this.”
“I sure hope so, because I’m not seeing any other way we can resolve this. I hate it when I’m not the most powerful pony just behind the princesses. No creature is going to show me up in magic! I’m going through more books so I can find one that will help me solve this issue.”
“You can’t find everything in books.”
“By Zacherle, I must try.”
“Right, I’ll just go outside and... oh look, your friends are here.” Twilight turned to attention right away and noticed they looked very grayscale.
“I was so worried about you... where’s Pinkie and Rainbow?” Twilight asked.
“They’re right at around the corner sugar cube.” Applejack replied.
“You suck Twilight!” Fluttershy insulted. “If you love books so much, why don’t you just marry them already?” Fluttershy then took on a mocking impression of Twilight’s voice. “Books, god I love books. Dear Celestia, I’m so lonely.”
“You better pay me with something valuable for our supposed friendship,” Rarity demanded.
“Hey, what is wrong with you three?” Boyfriend asked, annoyed.
“Ain’t nothing wrong,” Applejack answered.
“Can’t you tell? Even I can tell you’re lying.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“You know Twilight, even Trixie is more tolerable than you,” Fluttershy hinted.
“You’re Celestia’s number one student, so you must have plenty of bits. Pay me!” Rarity ordered.
“No, no, no! This is all wrong! My friend are not such jerks... at least not to this extent.” Twilight frowned. “Come on Boyfriend and Girlfriend, we’re going to figure out what weird magic is making my friends act so out of character.”
“I told you, I’ll settle it with a rap battle,” As the three began making their way further outside, they saw Rainbow fly above. She stopped on a cloud for a moment.
“Ditching you dorks was the best decision in my life. Later!” She then took off at high speeds.
“Okay, who did this?!” Twilight yelled. “Show yourself!” A moment later, Discord appeared in front of Twilight. “I... read about you before, you’re Discord! But then how did you break out of your stone prison?”
“Because Princess Sunbutt was careless like usual. If she put in half as much effort of sealing creatures away as she did stuffing herself with cake I wouldn’t be back so soon.”
“Well, you were locked up for at least a thousand years.”
“Time is very relative when you can’t feel anything.”
“Cease this madness.”
“Really? Considering your friends are the opposite of their Elements, I doubt they’re going to help you.”
“I am the Element of Magic, that means I can stand against you!”
“How cute. In just a moment I can render you powerless. I don’t know where Pinkie Pie is, but I guess she also ditched you even without my help.”
“No, she’ll come through!”
“As if.”
“I’ll take you on!” Boyfriend challenged. “One vee one me in a rap battle!”
“A rap battle?” Discord asked. A microphone appeared in his right hand, although upside down. “Oh sure, I’m getting bored anyway.”
Go, one, two, three!
“Chaos is my thing.”
“What?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you used to being on the right side?”
“Yeah, you’re already messing with my perception.”
“Sadly for you, I don’t play fair. Ponies, more like phonies!”
“...”
“Look who doesn’t have a mouth now. I wonder how that happened. I can’t lose if you can’t rap. This was all too easy.”
Boyfriend dropped his microphone. In fact, Discord decided to make Boyfriend looked like he was being viewed through a x-ray, showing Boyfriend’s now blue balls. Discord then returned Boyfriend’s mouth. “Looks like I won. Now why don’t you join my fun?”
“You cheated!” Boyfriend protested, looking very upset.
“Yeah, so? Who can stop me?”
“The rap gods!”
“The what?”
“You’ll know it. So, what are you going to do now that you won, kill me?”
“Why would I do that? I’m the God of Chaos, not a God of War.”
“But I’m so used to facing opponents who would literally kill me if I lost.”
“It’s almost like nothing changed in a thousand years. Anyway, I’m gonna make you better now.” With a snap of his finger, Boyfriend and Girlfriend became gray scaled. This only left Twilight as maintaining her full colors. Discord then disappeared.
“Rapping isn’t for me, I’mma gonna take up painting,” Boyfriend announced. Girlfriend transformed into her demonic pony form.
“Why am I’m pretending to be a good human or pony, hiding my truth demon self? To please a human? We’re through Boyfriend. I think I’ll have my fun with these weak little ponies first before I go back home and find a man who at the very least isn’t shorter than me.”
“Fuck you too bitch.” Boyfriend walked away and Girlfriend set her sights on Twilight.
“I’ll start by taking down this self-important unicorn who doesn’t know her own limitations.” Twilight formed magical shields and barriers to protect against an onslaught of Girlfriend’s attacks. Twilight was looking very tired afterward.
“Please, it doesn’t have to be this way. Discord done this to you. You’re a good pony, Girlfriend, demon or not.”
“A good demon... are you listening to yourself? You of all ponies should be smart enough to know there are no good demons, just those who pretend to get closer to their pray.” Twilight started to turn gray. “On second thought, you living with your own failures is a better outcome. Your friends are no longer so. Not even a rap battle saved you this time. I’ll also leave Boyfriend alive, alone and broken.” Girlfriend then flew off. Not moving from her spot, Twilight set there, alone with her head down. Discord then reappeared.
“Looks like Celestia was wrong about her so-called number one student stopping me. You’ve nothing left Twilight! And if you try to go see your family like Shining Armor, I’ll give them a makeover too.” Twilight’s horn started to glow and grew in intensity.
“You can’t win, I won’t let you. Take this!” Twilight fired off a purple beam of powerful magic that hit Discord directly. “How’d you like that?” The smoke cleared and Discord was yawning.
“Just a weak unicorn as I’ve expected. You don’t need this anymore.” Twilight’s horn disappeared from her head. “And you get none of the perks of being an earth pony. Have fun!” He disappeared again. Before Twilight could react further, Spike came running outside to her.
“Twilight, all isn’t lost, you have me!” Twilight slowly turned around to face Spike.
“But what can you do? Discord has won.”
“No, he hasn’t, not yet. I know you, Twilight. You wouldn’t give up so easily.”
“I’ve lost my horn! I don’t even have earth pony strength. I’m useless!”
“Snap out of it! Look at me. I’m the butt monkey of Ponyville, even ahead of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I often fail at basis tasks when I’m in the spotlight. Rarity is in a romantic relationship with you. I’m not interested in Sweetie Belle. The world is stacked against me and I keep on going. And despite all of this, I haven’t left you. Even if I’m your only friend left right now that’s still more than zero friends.”
“You’re right Spike. Even if I must read even more books, we’re going to find an alternate way to defeat Discord.”
“Friendship is the way. We haven’t seen Pinkie Pie, so maybe she’s planning something right now that isn’t throwing Discord a party.”
“You know, you’re right. I am Twilight Sparkle, the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria! If this mismatched creature thinks he can stop me, he’s wrong!”
“Not where I was going with, but I’ll take it. But you still have no horn.” As Twilight’s self esteem rose, her colors returned and soon, her horn. “Nice deus ex machina.”
“I’ll get the Elements of Harmony and restore my friends!”
“How will you save Boyfriend and Girlfriend, who don’t have those Elements?”
“One problem at a time, Spike.” As Twilight gathered the Elements within her own home, she poured magic into them that then caused them to seek out their owners. A few minutes later, her friends shown up except for Pinkie, Boyfriend, and Girlfriend. They apologized for their earlier behavior. They then heard Discord screaming. They went outside and saw him as he felt massive pain in his head and he even started to fade away.
“Why is this happening to me?!”
“Because rap battles are serious business.” Twilight answered, with a smirk. “Don’t try to cheat them or bad things happen.”
“What is this?!”
“Not even you can stand up to the rap gods.”
“Okay, fine, just... whatever, make it stop! Don’t let me die!”
“I could, but I’m not that vengeful, yet. Bring back Boyfriend and Girlfriend, as they were before you cheated.”
“Oh phony. Fine, but I’ll still win anyway.” With a snap of his fingers, BF and GF returned with their normal colors and GF not in her demon form. “Okay Boyfriend, I’ll play fair this time, as much as I hate that. But if it means the rap gods won’t end me, I’ll do it.”
Three, two, one, go!
“Think you can stand up to DJ Discord?”
“I’ve faced godlike beings before. You are on!”
“It seems Celie didn’t do a very good job of cleaning up her messes. Who knows what else she left behind. All the more fun for you ponies to deal with.”
“Yeah, it’s sure looking that way. Almost like I’m the clean up boy. But regardless, you’re my current opponent and that means dropping sicker beats than you. I do the impossible.”
“Although we just met, you don’t seem like the other earth ponies. It’s almost like you were originally not a pony.”
“You’re right. I’m not even from this world. But you rap against enough opponents, and you end up anywhere against anyone.”
“Equestria is mine now! Nothing is more powerful than chaos! Get used to it kiddo.”
“Except the power of friendship and I guess in Twilight’s case, lady boners for mares.”
“Friendship? Please, I don’t need friends, I got all the entertainment I need from these ponies.”
“With no one else to share it with? Just force the ponies into whatever this is?”
“Actually, all the ponies are in on it, rather they want to be or not.”
“So, this is what a bored god does, dicks around. I’m ending your fun Discord!”
“Like Celestia hasn’t had her moments. Even that troll can’t match up to me.”
“But I can. Feeling the pressure yet? Can you handle a mere earth pony”
“Of course, I should be winning, except... you play by different rules. Normally you just copy opponent verses accurate enough and you win. Mess up enough and you lose right then and there. Lucky you.”
“I can free style when I need to. A thousand years and this is the best you come up with? Something that even Pinkie Pie would think is tame? You want utter randomness, meet her.”
“So, you’re depending on someone else to bail you out boy? And I thought you were supposed to beat me with your own spits.”
“Not bailing out, just pointing out even you’re beaten at your so-called chaos. No pony understands Pinkie. Even you can’t account for her randomness.”
“No pony can out chaos me! You’re still backing on your friends.”
“Yes, I am, because I’m not alone in saving Equestria from you.”
“Fine then, you think she’s so good? Let’s see how she raps against me. What, getting cold hooves? What, she can’t rap? Too bad you just gave me the upper hand! And this time, you invited me to replace you, so it’s not cheating if I seal your lips again.”
Pinkie appeared next to Boyfriend while his mouth went missing again.
“You, out chaos me? Bring it on Pinkie!”
“I like what you did with the town.”
“Why thank you.”
“DJ Pinkie up in here! I have chocolate milk for breakfast. I slide up slides. I swim in thin air. Gravity obeys me! Wait till you get a load of my cupcakes!”
“You could have made a good student of mine, if only you sided with me instead.”
“I love tricks, pranks, and parties, but not as much as my friends. Do you really think you can keep this up mister? In fact, I have a dare for you.”
“Ah, go ahead. I can win easily.”
“Go into my mind.”
“Gladly. And then you’ll experience my mind. I promise you cannot handle the chaos.”
When Discord did so, he was overwhelmed with what even he could barely put into words. He quickly pulled out and looked tired as a result. “Fine, you win the rap battle, Boyfriend and Pinkie,” he then restored Boyfriend’s mouth again.
“I’m so glad you won Pinkie, but where were you? And how did you learned to rap?” Twilight asked.
“Call it a backup plan. Between now and week one, I’ve been practicing. But Boyfriend is still better at it, so I’ll just leave the future rap battles to him. I’m sorry you thought I abandoned you.”
“How did you know?” Twilight asked.
“I read back in the script... I mean, I know my marefriend well enough to know what would have happened.”
“Now let’s banish Discord before he recovers from his rap battle loss.” One rainbow beam later, Discord was turned back to stone. Boyfriend and Girlfriend apologized to each other for their earlier behavior.
“I would never abandon you Boyfriend, not of my own free will. That was the disharmony magic talking earlier.”
“We’re apologizing for stuff we didn’t do on our own. It’s been a long morning.”
“Yeah, Ponyville is already returning to normal. Let’s just relax the rest of the day, along with our pony friends.”
