A young mechanic named Crimson Vision, who had struggled almost all his life with magic, always dreamed of joining the Order’s academy so that he could follow in the hoofsteps of his hero, the legendary Watcher. But, unlike his peers, he couldn't use magic like other unicorns could, he was seen as inferior by his fellow unicorns while his own family doubted him and his dream.
His life would change one fateful night when he happens upon an injured unicorn, bearing strange markings, claiming to be the Legendary Princess Celestia! Left with no other choice, Crimson must do everything within his power to be her guide in the modern world while keeping her safe and secret from an ancient evil that threatens the long lost princess along with all that he holds dear.
Cover art done by: MCShelster
Edited and Proofread by: UnamusedWaffle
Proofread by: Darthball & Wolven
8/12/22 - It Got FEATURED!!!
Oh boi oh boi oh boi oh boi oh boi!
...Well it's an interesting plot? I won't sugar coat this, the pacing may have need some work along with the bad guys. Scarlett could've used a lot more environmental reasoning to why she just came off as mean. Like maybe explain more about how society sees unicorns like Crimson as inferior. I liked how you did establish characters like the family and friends. For a first chapter I really can't comment other than, maybe you could've added more emphasis on the idea of why people in general see him as inferior, or maybe like an upper class only thinks that? Idk, I just think if it was vital it would be established at chapter 1. And the desk pony just seemed to be an asshole for no reason turning a 180 from trying to help out to just suddenly being an asshole.
Maybe you could've made them like be nice but as more Crimson pesters them the more they'd be ticked off? Or perhaps show WHY the school is so important.
Also could've added more built up to meeting Celestia, like what if he was scared of a creature or monster outside, could've added tension that built suspense instead of just; but it was no raccoon he saw but a injured unicorn.
Like add descriptions to her bruising to add some level of interest to the viewers.
Example. "Turning the corner I swiftly swerved my head to the main center of suspicion. But what I found shook my body; a pegasus with a swirling mess of colors onto what could barely be recognized as pure pristine white fur. Instead in it's cleanliness was a red swirled mess that was soaked in it's cuts and gashes. The body limping, it's limbs trying to move from the spilling of it's own sources of crimson streaks." Something like that to show the cuts and bruises, it makes us the viewers wonder what she went through, what sort of damage she suffered to go that far. Instead of just glossing over it like, "she's hurt."
Painting that kind of a mess of a picture that she is puts a much more vivid depiction of what we're see in terms of damage.
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Thank you for the input, when I have time I'll probably go back to add more to Celestia’s scene. As for Scarlett and the Order, more will be explained in future chapters. I didn't want to over explain everything like I did in my previous story.
There are reasons why Scarlett is like that, there are reasons why unicorns view Crimson in such a way, and there is a reason as to why the school is important and why Crimson wants to go to that school.
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Can't believe it's out now xD
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Oh, hello, fancy seeing you here
All of this is very interesting can't wait to see more.
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Look forward to more :)
This is starting to get good. Oh and congratulations on getting your story featured.
Any word on next chapter. I'm hooked bad
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Sometime next month my friend