Boop Chance of Romance

blake0831 #1 · Mar 15th, 2022 · 1 · ·

This is a nice story.

But there's something strange:

There's this paragraph:

During their position, Shining and Cadance locked eyes with each other, their eyes scrolling down each other for the faintest of seconds. What Shining saw was a gorgeous pink alicorn with a well-brushed mane and a nice look. Her wings were also well-preened and tail well-combed. Her coat was a strong shade of romantic pink and her eyes displayed an air of caring nature.

And a bit further down the story, there's this:

He then noticed how the coat seemed to have bulges on either side, resembling wings. She was an alicorn? What is she doing out of the castle and in their family home?

Suggestion:
Maybe you can change the earlier paragraph from 'alicorn' to 'unicorn', change the mention of 'wings' to 'coat', as in 'Her coat, of what he could see of it, appears to be well-groomed.

Quoterific

Quoterific #2 · Mar 15th, 2022 · · ·

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11181490
I might like to keep it this way as, for me, the show shows a younger Cadance as an alicorn from A Canterlot Wedding Pt.1. I can change the others as suggested thank you

Yoshifan30

Yoshifan30 #3 · Mar 15th, 2022 · 2 · ·

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Aww thats cute and it's always nice to see how balls Shining Armor and Cadence first meet each other and not only that that's how they fell in love with each other in first sight this was a very nice story keep up the good work

Prysmkitsune

Prysmkitsune #4 · Mar 15th, 2022 · 3 · ·

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and then because of a bizarre ancient law they were forced to get married!

oh wait wrong fic.

SuperSonicHeroes

SuperSonicHeroes #5 · Mar 15th, 2022 · 1 · ·

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This is pretty adorable. A nice way of showing how Shining and Cadance first met.

new55

new55 #6 · Mar 15th, 2022 · 1 · ·

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That was a good story

redmar

redmar #7 · Mar 15th, 2022 · 1 · ·

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This was a nice story and it fits the image that served as inspiration.

Axolotl222

Axolotl222 #8 · Mar 15th, 2022 · 1 · ·

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I might not really care too much for Cadence and Shining Armor, but like this.

Also, happy birthday

Quoterific

Quoterific #9 · Mar 15th, 2022 · 1 · ·

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11181827
Thank you so very much ^^ Happy you liked this. I see them as more of selling characters by Hasbro. IDW Comics managed to work them well

blake0831

blake0831 #10 · Mar 15th, 2022 · 1 · ·

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11181520
Oops. Sorry.

In my earlier suggestion, I meant this line:

What Shining saw was a gorgeous pink alicorn with a well-combed mane and tail which was a nice look to her.

Suggest Change to

What Shining saw was a gorgeous pink unicorn with a well-combed mane and tail which was a nice look to her.

As in the scene and later paragraph seem to indicate, Cadance seems to be wearing the raincoat over the wings:

He then noticed how the coat seemed to have bulges on either side, resembling wings.

Oh, and Happy Birthday!

Quoterific

Quoterific #11 · Mar 15th, 2022 · · ·

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11181888
Oh, thank you for the tips again and thank you ^^ Having a good time so far

Just Defender

Just Defender #12 · Mar 15th, 2022 · 3 · ·

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I favor the IDW comic take on their meeting, but this was adorable, too.

narusakufan

narusakufan #13 · Mar 16th, 2022 · 3 · ·

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That was such a sweet story. Keep up the good work and happy birthday.

New Rebellion

New Rebellion #14 · Mar 16th, 2022 · 1 · ·

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Ha! That was cute.

mestreJ

mestreJ #15 · Mar 16th, 2022 · 1 · ·

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InuHoshi-to-DarkPen! he created several artworks from winningverse, when I laid eyes on the art I already thought it was part of the same

ibanix

ibanix #16 · Mar 16th, 2022 · 1 · ·

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Twilight always loved it when her foal-sitter Cadance would come round when either she’s down with her stories

… done with her stories

from the great Starsswirl the Bearded.

… extra ‘s’ in Starswirl

Her pink coat was also thoroughly combed and catcher her beauty well.

… “catcher” isn’t a word, you want “caught” here

The gears inside Shining’s head started turning until a lightbulb switched on inside his head. So this was the foal-sitter Twilight would go on and on about. Since they would spend most of the time in the castle, he rarely got the chance to see who she was. He then noticed how the coat seemed to have bulges on either side, resembling wings. She was an alicorn? What is she doing out of the castle and in their family home?

Yeah this makes no sense, as several paragraphs before Shining describes her as an alicorn

“I’ve done my etiquette training for the day I did promise Twilight to come to her house for the weekend for the first time,” Cadance chuckled with a smile. Shining found that smile particularly beautiful for some reason.

… missing a period between “for the day” and “I” in the first sentence. Also “for the weekend for the first time” in bad grammar; try “this weekend for the first time”.

Shining’s eyes widened at hearing this. Auntie Celestia?! She was her niece?! Shining could only nod dumbly as he stepped aside for Cadance to open the door with her blue magic and trot out into the rain. It was only when the door clicked behind her that he finally came back to reality.

… does Shining Armor think there are other alicorns not related to Celestia? As this is before Luna’s time, Cadence should be literally THE ONLY other alicorn in existence.

Quoterific

Quoterific #17 · Mar 16th, 2022 · · ·

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11182272
Thank you for your help and corrected when I can

SamuelK28

SamuelK28 #18 · Mar 16th, 2022 · 9 · ·

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You almost expect Twilight to start singing Shining and Cadance sitting in a tree...

Level Dasher

Level Dasher #19 · Mar 18th, 2022 · 1 · ·

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Was about to mention the comics, but you already did, so my mouth has closed in that regard.

That was cute— the accidental kiss as their very first encounter based on the artwork works really well for both of their personalities, honestly.

You've really gotta work on your tense consistency, though…

KingSombraTheTyrantRuler

KingSombraTheTyrantRuler #20 · Mar 23rd, 2022 · 1 · ·

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He didn’t finish the final word as his muzzle met the pink mare’s. The two of them were now frozen midstep, muzzles pressed against each other. Twilight, meanwhile, had a muzzle over her mouth, trying not to laugh at the awkward position her favourite foal-sitter and B.B.B.F.F. were in.

Hoof?

KingSombraTheTyrantRuler

KingSombraTheTyrantRuler #21 · Mar 23rd, 2022 · 1 · ·

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You did a great job with this story!

Oh, and it's my birthday today

Then belated Happy Birthday! 🍰 🍩 🍪 🍦 🍧 🍨🍭 🍬🍫 🍮 🍔

AzuraKeres

AzuraKeres #22 · Mar 23rd, 2022 · 1 · ·

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This was a pleasant read. I skipped over plenty of chapters in the IDW comics, focusing on specific arcs such as Sombra's redemption, Cosmos, and Tempest Shadow.

🎊 Also, Happy-late birthday! 🎊

Below are minor quirks I found in your story:

“What?” Twilight tilted her head at that saying. Cadance should have known that young Twilight was book-smart and not common-smart

I may be nitpicking here, but isn't the correct verbiage to this is: "...Twilight was book-smart but not common-smart."

Foal and foal-sitter spent the rest of the day baking and mixing hot chocolates. Occasionally, they would chat about how Cadance’s princess lessons were going, or what Princess Celestia had taught Twilight. The young filly was eager to show her foal-sitter her magic skills, lifting eggs off the table whilst trying to break them. Cadance also gave some magical advice to Twilight, mainly about fine-tuning her magic to crack the eggs, applying the right pressure to break them whilst not making a mess or causing the whole egg to explode.

I think it would be preferable to either address them by name, Cadance and Twilight, or use a collective pronoun like "they".