Peace reigns in Equestria in a glorious tone that rings throughout the land. Surrounding it are rival nations, each embroiled in their own bitter struggles, each looking upon the home of ponies with envious eyes. When all around them are currupted by greed, selfishness, and bitterness, how does this nation remain free of war?
Equestria's Secret Service is an organization hidden from the public eye. These brave ponies are unknown to the populace, and their brave deeds are ever unsung. In a world brimming with cold anger, hate, and violence, they move to prevent conflicts before they ever happen.
For peace. For Celestia.
For the good of Equestria.
Chapters (17)
This looks like quite a promising story. :3
Wow, I'm about to put a story up, with the EXACT same image...only I have permission.
now this looks like a good read
Favorited and marked for later reading simply because this is massive. A thumbs up and obligatory MOAR!!!
in the mean time. Good work thus far.
Good thus far, but there is one issue.
Tactically, what Autumn said makes the most sense. Given these are ponies trained in the art of espionage and "Special Forces" work, they should understand that. This feels slightly out of context versus the world they inhabit and the lives they know. Granted, this is very, very minor as it looks like it won't affect the story. Just a thought basically.
Onward!
I needed to stop at the end of Ch. 6 for now. You managed to kill what I had planned today. Nice job.
Good action, almost a pop-corn flick type of feel. A few of the characters were in danger of becoming cliche, but the idea of a conspiracy unraveling in later chapters saves Golden Lock from arrogant ass boss archetype. The characters don't have as much "depth" as some other fic-novels I've read, but that ISN'T the purpose of this story.
I like your OC's Autumn and Dew thus far, and the little snips at the beginning of each chapter add a nice feel.
There are some openings for a few comedic elements to help the heavy feel of this piece. Little snips of dialogue of that type could help, but this is just a personal suggestion.
I can't speak for others if they will like or dislike it. This is heavy investment of time to read, but it's worth it to me. The amount of work you've done shows. There were only a few little formatting and grammatical errors. In a piece THIS large, that's a testament to the work.
The pacing felt slow in some parts, but it picked up appropriately before getting anywhere near the cliff of disinterest. The original chapter splits between the ESS and Clear Skies was well done. The tension was well done.
Aside from a few comedic areas, I'd also suggestion some backstory to Spotter as well. He was such a valuable character and it would be a pity to see him be left as an afterthought.
Granted that Autumn is the intended protagonist of your story, but Dew really, really shined as a character once she got some development. Perhaps some shift to add a bit more focus on her?
These are just my thoughts through Chapter 6. Outstanding job overall!
P.S. Forte is a pimp.
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Not to worry; I do too. Thank you for implying that I steal artwork.
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Your thoughts. They are appreciated.
Most of your comments are things that will be addressed as the story progresses. The others I will be sure to look into, and see what I can pull off. Also, I apologize for killing your plans; I didn't mean to.
Thank you for reading, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope to be able to hold your interest in all my chapters.
1274229 Apologizing for making a story that had me going "just one more chapter..."? You never have to apologize for that. I meant it as a high compliment to the story.
Wow... just... wow. MUCH better than I originally expected. I tip my hat to thee!
~Xanadu
Very realistic. I especially like your usage of the Golden Locks character.
One minor error I noticed: Nevertheless doesn't have hyphens in it.
~Xanadu
All of my approval and blessings.
cant wait for this to continue
nice chapter. seems like the plot is coming to a boil
Glad to see this story again after so long! Keep it up
I think somebody is going to either meet Celestia or Luna.
This shit needs a LOT more readers. Yes, I am grumpy over this.
I'm seriously disappointed that this hasn't got more people reading this.
Excellent, thanks for the latest chapter.
Please keep up the superb writing.
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Heh...yeah; I'm a terrible advertiser.
(See? ↑This is me saying, "I have no idea what to do about it, so feel free to spread the tale as much as you want to." But I don't say that. I just sit back and wait until someone picks up on the subtleties of the message, and then watch with interest.)
(Man, I suck at this)
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I just found this and am excited to start reading this tomorrow.
Quick question: Do you watch Spooks? (or MI-5 as it's called in the US) I've recently been hooked on that show and it's inspired me to try my hand on something with this similar premise. If not I highly suggest watching it.
I am still
angryfuriouslividflabbergasted that this doesn't have more likes, people don't know what they're missing! You have no idea how excited I got at seeing this updated.Wow, I would've faved this a lot sooner if I'd known it was already on Fimfiction. I feel silly.
Looking forward to future chapters!
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Well, good to know that my obscene amount of text isn't acting like a deterrent. I hope you enjoy!
Quick answer: I'm afraid I haven't. I think this might be the first I've heard of it (I don't watch much telly, so...). I'll take a look if I can get the time.
Dear EdwardJ, q97randomguy here. I just rediscovered this story, and guess what...
....
I'm here to thank you.
For what, you might ask?
For introducing me to the wonderful world of fanfiction. I had been avoiding it like the plague, mainly because I didn't want to see authors abusing (read: badly writing) the mane 6. (Also because I was horribly afraid I would be inexorably drawn in, which I was. I'm currently at 9.8 Million words read, which I thank/blame you for.)
After seeing that your story involved exactly none of the mane 6, I decided to risk it. Given that you're reading this, you already know how it went.
I also need to thank you for getting me two new friends. I would've never met them without your story. I also would've never found out that I actually can write a story that other people can read. I'd always seen that as something that was an impossible goal, but... just look at me now. (Looking not required. It is, however, welcomed.)
I'll be faving this now, as well as getting back to reading it. Just so that subsequent comments don't catch you off-guard, I give almost any story I like a cursory editing job. Seeing as how you have an illustrious team of prereaders/editors, I don't expect that you have much to worry about. I'm looking forward to getting back into this story.
Gratefully yours,
q97randomguy
Autumn wears a white mask? He can move undetected? This can only lead to one, insane, illogical conclusion. But first I must verify my theory. So I shall ask Autumn one, simple question:
"Are you a spy?"
I wonder what the deal is with this Cause Celina's working for.
Okay, so I'm making my way back through the story, re-acclimating, and I've basically been skimming. While I've been doing so, I've noticed a few things you seem to be doing really well and a few things that you're... well, not doing so great at.
First, the good! You're story is dramatic, engaging, and suspenseful. The characters are interesting, especially Autumn. I really want to know more about him. Hopefully, in later chapters, there'll be more back-story. The dual threat is a fantastic element and is made even better because the Cause is a good organization in their own eyes. Often the bad guys in a story are just that, bad, which isn't how people ever really see themselves when they form an organization like that.
Now, for the not so good... Semicolons. You're using them everywhere, but not well. Basically, you use them where there's either not a complete independent clause on one of the sides or there isn't enough connection between them. This is not how they should be used. I find this guide to be a useful source of accurate, comedic knowledge on the subject. The other thing is dialogue. Mostly, it's fine, but there's something weird with a few of your characters speech. Most of them seem to use a disproportionately high amount of complete words when people typically use contractions in the same context. If just one character does it, then it's their thing; it makes them who they are. However, the majority of your characters don't and it's... not grating, that's too strong, but maybe... unusual, leaning towards distracting. (Edit: I gave the next chapter a more thorough read and found that this problem wasn't nearly as pronounced there. It's possible that I had a misrepresentation of facts because I was skimming and thus read mostly from Autumn's lines. Or, you might have just improved your writing.)
As I've really only been skimming, I can't really speak to Showing vs Telling but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Anyways, I saw on your user-page that you'd probably be offline for a while, so I hope that when you do get this you're doing well. I think I may have lost track of this story after the next chapter, so you may have an incoming pile of notifications, courtesy of me. (I hope that you take any edits I offer well, and I will even take the edits section of my comments down on request.)
Yep, this was a new chapter to me. And it was a good one at that! The story's really kicking into high gear. It seems that this is going to be a political intrigue/espionage type story, and those are some of my favorite!
I must wonder, is Autumn really a pegasus? It could just be a disguise, but then again... There was that thing from way back in chapter two... I'm thinking he is.
I see you read Dune.
Interested in a ponification of the Bene Gesserit fear mantra?
Let me preface the edits with this: Most of them are helpful suggestions, while a few are definite problems that require fixing.
Right off the bat I'll tell you that this is something I'm working on myself, that's why I pick it out in others stories, so I can better identify it in my own. Right here is a technically accurate sentence using a semicolon. However, semicolons are a highly visible punctuation whereas commas and periods are easier for a reader to gloss right over. Here, the " ; the gesture" could be replaced by a single "which". That would maintain the meaning of the sentence, make it shorter, and get rid of the semicolon.
The use of a semicolon here would imply that their dismissal will make him decide at a later time. I'd go with a period to achieve the desired level of separation for these ideas.
The semicolon here would mean that "not with this pony" could be a standalone sentence. If you're okay with this in your narrative voice, then it's fine. It's just something to be aware of.
This one definitely needs to be a period. Leaving the report and being dismissed have entirely different reasons behind them, leaving them only tangentially related.
I feel that instead of the semicolon you could use " , and found"
Double space.
Semicolon should be a period. There's not enough connection between them. Granted, Quillstroke doing a good job is a cause for starting a search, but here that just doesn't seem to cut it. Funny thing, most things in a story can be said to have similar relationships with what came before them.
I can see why you used a semicolon here, but I think that you could benefit from making it into two shorter sentences. It would give the second more impact.
Needs to be a period. Also, the second sentence should be italicized as it seems to be Octavia's thoughts.
Needs to be a period.It would definitely be a full stop if you were going to say this.
This really seems to be a full stop.
Here's the thing about dialogue: You can make it grammatically inaccurate, but for situations like this, we can't tell for sure if you wanted the "just away" to be treated like its own sentence or if you just didn't know how to use the semicolon. A period would clear up any doubt about that.
I'd highly recommend changing that to a " , and"
I'm going to stop explaining now. I think you can figure out what I mean from here on out.
Period.
Period.
Period.
Something weird happened to your indent here.
Period.
Something with the indent.
Here too.
Period.
...
Wow, that was a long comment. Anyways, I'll read more tomorrow... probably.
I feel there should be a paragraph separation here, since as it currently is, it throws off the reader, flinging them to a different perspective, while also minimizing the impact of Clear Skies' last line. Other than that, this is building up nicely.
Divine Master, huh? Interesting. I can even see why he'd think that...
That, that, right there, is an amazing line.
Pffffffffft! Ha!
Nice chapter, on to the next one, after these messages.
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Comma.
The EM dashes need to be on the other sides of the quotes.
Period.
Double space.
Period.
Should be either "WANTED" or WANTED
Comma.
Colon.
This one really needs some restructuring. Option one: "Books were everywhere. Stacked..." And two: "There were books everywhere, stacked against the walls, lying on the floor, and hanging over furniture. What really caught his eye though was draped over a large pillow: a pony."
"With a passing..." and comma.
Period. Sometimes, in high-tension scenes, short, choppy sentences are your friends.
This is a strange amalgam of prose and thoughts. If you just read the thoughts, it's broken. Simple fix is to just add in "as Celestia" after "tall". That's all it really needs.
Period.
Period.
Indentation problem here.
Colon.
You should use italics. Bold looks sort of cheesy. You probably wanted to use caps lock, but... I.
Period.
Comma.
Period.
Comma.
Comma.
"the"
Comma.
Period. Again, choppier sentences would be to your benifit here.
Comma.
Probably period. I find it hard to see him saying that straight through, but... it could happen.
Periods.
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I come bearing joyous news! Well,kind of. Seeing as you've not been online for a few days, you'll likely be reading this quite soon after all the other comments. This means you know that this was the first fanfic I read. I'd like to mention that it now also has brought me to reading (just over) 10,000,000 words of pony, as of this chapter. Once more, I thank you. I could wax philosophical on how you've changed my life, but I'll hold off on that. (Unless you want me too.) Anyways, this gives me a big enough occasion to mention it to my other friend that reads on here. Hopefully, I'll garner you another reader.
Obligatory:
I shall read the latest chapter tomor... later today.
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Period.
Period.
Period.
Period.
Comma.
Comma.
Missed a return.
Semicolon. Or period. Your call.
Comma.
Comma. Never use semicolon before a conjunction.
"uncooperative" also, "cooperative" It seems that the dash isn't necessary, and including it may cause a small hiccup in someone's reading.
"fellows"
Either a comma or a period. It depends on how you want it to sound.
I think that with your voice, you can get away with a period here. However, you could also add in "it was" to correct it.
Period or comma. Again, it depends on how you want it to sound. I'm leaning towards period, might just be me...
Colon.
Two double spaces.
Period.
Comma.
Colon. (They'll pop up more frequently in debriefing and intelligence type scenarios.)
Comma.
Period.
Period. The beauty of dialogue is that you don't necessarily need complete sentences when you use periods. Sometimes. Granted, you could use a comma here...
Comma.
Period.
Comma.
Dude, the opening of this chapter is awesome. I love it.
The political intrigue is really stepping up! Gosh, this is a fun story. I like what you're doing with the nightguards, it seems like it will be very interesting. Also, it seems like they can tell a lie from the truth through their undoubtedly insanely good hearing. Hearing a pulse, anyone?
To anyone looking at possibly reading this story, do! The text wall that follows is a minor qualm beside how great the story is.
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Pfffffffft. Thinking 85K is obscene. HA! That's actually funny. I'm reading this 650K one that's, according to the author, only half done.
Anyways, I look forward to more of this story. Alas, it looks to be a while before more is available.
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Periods.
Commas.
Period.
Comma.
Periods.
Commas.
You can actually keep the semicolon if you reverse the order. Otherwise, replace the semicolon with an "as".
Comma.
.
Periods.
Maybe "through the bright light"
Comma.
Periods.
Comma.
Period.
Depending on how you want it to sound, either a comma or a period.
Periods.
Comma.
Capitalized why?
Period. Also, a significant other for Tavi? And it's not Vinyl Scratch?! BWA???
I kid.
Commas.
Period.
Commas.
Period.
Read in one sitting. Liked and faved. Late now, will comment later, but.....
Gosh, this is quite good. Really good. I humbly and eagerly await more.
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I've been sitting here for about three hours now trying to figure out what to say. To think that something I wrote inspired someone else to read more fiction as well as become a writer themselves...I am at a loss for words, and I usually have a lot of those. When someone says that a writer's work is worth the time to read, it is a compliment greater than anything else that could be said. What you have given me is more than that, and I really don't know how to take that. I mean, I've never been good at taking regular, ordinary compliments to begin with, so...
Thank you. Truly. It feels like anything that I might say would fall short of what should be said. I am truly humbled, and I hope that, wherever else the consequences of this may lead you, you find enjoyment in it.
I'll keep writing, and I'll try not to let you down.
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I abuse semicolons. This I know. I have gone through a great many guides on how to use them, and most of the time I still feel justified using them as I do. I am working on it, but it is a slow procedure. Part of the problem, I think, is that I see connections in my head that readers don't, things that I think should be connected. As such, I shall give every one of your suggestions a look over, but I may very well not follow all of them (but don't let that discourage you! I am always looking for improvement).
Dialogue...yeah. I talk like that, and I need to run my speech through a writing filter sometimes. When I started, I had to remember to use the word "it" in many cases that regular people already do. I tend to drop it, myself; is a quirk of mine, I suppose.
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What the—? I swear I had that! Look! It was still in the gDocs version!
Bloody rassin'-frassin' random changin' crap.
Fixed.
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Wow, you hate semicolons.
I have proof of otherwise.
I would disagree. Yes, reading only the thoughts makes it broken, but tell me when you think only in words. Ideas, impressions, emotions, and memories will always accompany you in your own head. As he remembers her standing next to Celestia, that also affects his thoughts. Thus, the amalgam cannot be taken piecemeal.
See, here's the thing about this: I grew up with this being right. Whether that was from the age or the location, this is right to me. Whenever I see "cooperate," it always sounds like "coop-erate" in my head; you know, like a chicken coop. Is like when InfinityXanadu tells me that 'never-the-less' has no hyphens; I grew up with that, is right to me.
Every single instrument name is capitalized in Octavia's perspective, and this is the first one you notice? There were so many in her last bit!
Who said that Frederic is a significant other? You are correct, however, in that this story contains no Octavia/Scratch. I do not understand why people seem to enjoy that pairing.
As to all the rest of stuff...I'll have to find some time to go over that in detail. I've got a couple more weeks before things will slightly calm down over here. Anyway, thanks for the thoughts! I hope future chapters fail to disappoint.
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Let me start by addressing this:
Three hours? Wow... Sorry I broke your brain. But seriously, thank you. What you wrote was literally life-changing. It didn't really change my outlook on life, but it's very different than it could have been. I've made some more friends and written a 50K story. (Yeah, if you do the math or check my blog, you'll see how big the next chapter is already.) I've read 10.25 Million words on here. I've made friends. I've had a lot of fun. I've laughed and cried. So... Thank you.
Hate semicolons? No. You just use them really often. I make sure that when I use a semicolon, I really mean it; they are rather visible punctuation, after all.
As for the EM dash thing...
See, I have evidence for otherwise too.
This method allows the two types of action to have their own individual punctuation scheme.
Though, thinking more on it, it's possible that you meant for him to pick it up as he spoke... That's just not how I saw it while reading. I saw it as him saying "So" then picking it up then saying the rest. But that might not be what you meant.
...
I can accept your reasoning. I don't particularly like it, but I understand.
Let me go and be ashamed for a second...
Just in case you couldn't tell, that was sort of my way of making fun of shipping in general.
(Note: I'm not opposed to shipping. I actually like it. However, I also like poking fun at it.)
Anyways, I look forward to the next chapter!
Okay then. I said that I would comment, so here I am. My thoughts (if you care to have them) are as follows:
The story has a rather bleak and stark tone, which fits the story well. The characters so far all have had a desperateness to them that has carried over into the feel of the story in general. The characterization has been consistent, and a pleasure to suss out, really (on that front, that bit where Dew [edited for SPOILERS] was... something. I was convinced that you couldn't possibly be saying what I thought that you were. That you were laying out a red herring for the foolish reader. Imagine my surprise {and slight embarrassment} when you revealed that yes, that was totally what you meant to say. I suppose that I'm not nearly as clever as I sometimes think I am).
Noticing and enjoying some of the techniques you've used . Little things, like the viewpoints you used, or did not use, for certain events; your usage of semicolons, which never bothered me, but I'm fairly fond of them myself; the manner in which you placed bad guy flags over certain characters heads, which was most noticeable, for me, with Celina. By design, I know. Just noticing, is all.
I don't think that I would be doing much good to mention any grammar mistakes; q97randomguy is being very thorough. I did, however, see a your/you're error. FOR SHAME.
I'm not sure what else to say, other than wonder out loud (in print) about the direction the story's taking (I'm intrigued, and vaguely unsettled, but hopeful) , compliment you on certain turns of phrase (the quotes at the start of each chapter are a peachy good time), or just give general impressions of various feelings the story has given me (Dark tag is probably appropriate, but I'm not tempted to leave yet. This could be interesting....). I do fear that I've rambled on quit a bit, so thank you, dear author, for the story, and I look forward to seeing the rest. You know, if that's okay with you.
Cheers!
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Always
Aaaaand now it's ruined for those who read the comments before the story.
laughter
No, really that's fine; I don't care (Dew was a bit tired then; she wasn't entirely sure what she was saying).
What? Who says they're bad guys? Didn't you hear them? They're working for the good of Equestria, not toward their own ends. Celina is just...arrogant.
What? Where? EDWARD SMASH! Then Edward fix grammar.
sips tea
For the rest, I'm glad you like it. Things may get a little more unsettling at points, but hopefully I continually fail to drive you off. Thank you for reading, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. On that note, is there anything that you might like to see in the opening quotations? Or, so far as you've seen, other tags that might be appropriate?
If it wasn't, would that stop you? No, seriously, please: tell your friends, tell your enemies, and come along for the ride. It may be a little slow, but I'm working on it.
Next chapter is fleshed out and currently under the knife. Should be able to get it up soonish.
FINALLY, AN UPDATE!
WOO! Update! And what a good one at that! I love world-building SO MUCH! So much!
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Comma.
Should be a comma.
No comma.
Other one.
Should be a capital. The other sentence really got aborted, so this is a new one.
Should be a comma.
Commas.
No comma. That might look a bit odd, though, so perhaps adding in a verb would be the better choice.
Should be a comma.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma.
Commas.
Should be a period.
Should be a comma.
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I swing by and see things like this, and I think: "I really need to update this faster."
Then I look at my work schedule and think: "Crap."
I haven't forgotten about you guys! Really! I got promoted, so I'm trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing (no pay increase—just more tasking). Don't worry, though: there are words down in next chapter, so it is still happening. Just...slowly, you know?
2760064
Yeah, take your time. It's not a problem.
I have to say that, so far, this story is excellent (it's Sunday afternoon here, I've only gotten to chapter two, and I have other matters to attend to today before I can continue this). Your hook, pacing, and—even though I noted a few rough patches—style are all exceptionally done. Had I bought this story in a store, (which admittedly, implies it been about humans, not ponies), I would so far feel that I've received my money's worth in the form of a thriller / military spy novel.
I sincerely fear that I am enjoying this story far too much to provide critical feedback.
However, one thing I finally noticed in this chapter was a glaringly out-of-character moment for Autumn:
This is, because so far, I've learned four important things about Autumn:
1) He's incredibly introverted, which comes from a childhood of bullying—one that Dew was there with him.
2) He's intelligent and resourceful, though somewhat socially aloof, however...
3) His emotions sometimes get in the way of his judgment—i.e., leaving behind his saddlebags that could very well begin a war, misreading the council's reaction to him.
4) He is incredibly loyal to the few individuals he trusts.
All of these make me think that he's far too trusting and empathetic towards someone he barely knows. I mean, if they're out in the boonies and his best friend is warning, "Hey... this person's acting screwy," it makes a ton of sense for this character to tell the new character, "Hey, fuck off, then." Heck, the plan so far even allows for that—teleport her home, let her tell Golden Lock where they're at, and boom, suddenly, there's a second armed force in the area to help rescue Clear Skies.
Still, I'll put on some +3 Goggles of Suspend Disbelief, and continue this story with high hopes.
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Fwaaaaa....good catch. I shall have to figure out how to fix this. However, this does suggest that there may be a point in chapter five that you might call out-of-character, but I assure you it isn't. There are reasons, and I have them.
YAAAay oh dear.
There's eight more chapters where things could go horribly wrong.
¬_¬
⌐_⌐
hides in pillow fort
Heh. Well, here I am after another two-hour reading fest, and I'm still enjoying this greatly. I liked the little bit of relief / slowdown in this chapter; with the political intrigues of spies being what they are, I was worried that there'd be some sort of in-the-field betrayal for our heroes.
Now, some points of critique that I collected:
1) I lost track of the storm after Dew made it. I mean, you didn't say it stopped, but seeing how "there wasn't a lot of mist in the air" or something like that, I didn't really think that the storm was as long as it appeared to be when Dew commented, "They know the storm was a diversion."
2) More than a few of your characters share the backbone of Autumn's dry manner of speaking (low number of contractions, etc.). This works for him, since he's already deemed to be weird, but for them, it's slightly more noticeable.
3) Is, uh... is it intentional that that hospital was shady as hell with Cloudy Skies' baby?
Either way, I'm continuing to enjoy this story greatly; I just had to take a break this morning in order to get breakfast.
And now I'm all caught up; it only took me an extra week.
I like where this story is going (as of Chapter 10). All the lines are (mostly) drawn, and I see this story as beginning its descent into the final conflict resolution within 4-5 chapters (barring "come down" chapters, such as this one). So far as macro writing goes, I think this is fine: all the pieces are in motion (though I'll admit that I always get confused whenever it's a scene starring straight-business pony and his slutty girlfriend), and they're all headed towards that final resolution I talked about.
My biggest stylistic problem I had with this is your dialogue (which, your writing style does an exceptional job of letting you say more with rumination and inner thoughts than actual words, so it's already mitigated problem). First, to me, it sounds like a lot of your characters fall into two speaking categories: either über refined/awkward, like Autumn, or colloquial, like Dew. This wouldn't entirely be a problem, but in some scenes with two or more characters of the same gender, it can be difficult to tell who's talking based on "she said" or "he asked" etc.
Other than that, this story flows and paints a vivid picture of the events you're telling. It's been a treat to read so far, and I hope to be able to continue reading this.