- Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen 4 hours ago
CrimsonEquine
Improvement is a dire mistress.
CrimsonEquine
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- CrimsonEquine · 1.1k words · 15 27 · 1.6k views
- CrimsonEquine · 1.2k words · 10 19 · 403 views
Stats
Page generated in 0.099 seconds
Total duration
834 users online
477,581 hits today, 1,870,739 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Alrighty then: much better then that abomination that was your first fic.
Overall. You need to end periods to the end of your quotations.
Compared to.
Pavilion doesn't have to be capitalized.
Cap Today.
We're vs Were. Were refers to the past tense, as in 'We were there this morning.'
We're refers to we are. And it should be capped.
its vs it's. Its is possesive. 'The dog grabbed its bone.'
It's is shortened it is. "It's the best."
Must've.
Somepony's.
Aside from that, tracked. Sounds interesting. Hope more ponies are on Applebloom's side.
Nope nope nope, you're going to have to do better than that. The description of this story simply tells us that Apple Bloom is designated to die for a stupid reason. If you're going to write something like this, make sure the conflict makes sense and isn't dark or evil for the sake of it, give a real reason, visible from the outside, that Apple Bloom must die for the good of Equestria, because from out here, this doesn't make sense at all, which is bad. Just my advice, don't take it too seriously.
Why does this remind me of Silent Hill Homecoming and the Hunger Games? Anyways Tracked.
1299879
Actually, its a retelling of The Lottery. Hopefully, it will begin to deviate more from the original story in later chapters... This needs an alternate universe tag, I can't see this ever happening canon.
People are gonna say this is based on The Hunger Games. But I can tell you really based this on a short story called The Lottery. I for one think you should have built up the happy, expectant mood that everypony had and then revealed that it was actually that the winner would die, as per the original. This was a little disappointing in comparison. Do keep trying, though. 4/10
1292094 You need periods for the end of dialogue quotation marked things?! Well my fics editor is gonna be so pissed.
Lets hope for #2
1299988
Take a look at a book. Look at the end of the sentences in quotation marks.
1300009 I knew I should of bought one of those things before I started writing fan fiction. (and not one person bothered to mention it in my fic, still I got a decent amount of views and likes. But 26 dislikes
with of course 37 likes 
frankly giving the timing of Princess Celestia's now, it seem like she could be calling in Applebloom's rescuer as much as ordering her death.
1299971 I thought the idea for the hunger games begginning was gotten from the lottery...
1300110 I always thought The Hunger Games borrowed strongly from Battle Royale? I could be wrong, correct me if I am.
Hunter C. Creed
I was going to come in here with a trollish 'Hunger Games' comment, but wow. You all beat me to it. Congratulations.
the sandman's sandstatic1.fjcdn.com/comments/this+is+the+quot+you+don+t+say+quot+face+_d3d47eea8a14bd3a870bef4ef7e56686.jpg
I thought I'd seen everything when I had to fix "Celestia's sun" and "Luna's moon". You know, I really wish there was a sewer god. That way everytime someone took a shit, they'd be taking a _____'s shit.
the sandman's sand
static1.fjcdn.com/comments/this+is+the+quot+you+don+t+say+quot+face+_d3d47eea8a14bd3a870bef4ef7e56686.jpg
I thought I'd seen everything when I had to fix "Celestia's sun" and "Luna's moon". You know, I really wish there was a sewer god. That way everytime someone took a shit, they'd be taking a _____'s shit.
she then yawned hard that showed how tired she was.
Show vs, tell. You need to stop telling the reader what they're thinking. For your punishment, you are now very afraid of me.
said Applebloom as she was pulled from the hoof.
... what? I'm already wishing I hadn't opened this. You promised dark, now scare me!
No no no. you can't just say, oh she won, for no reason at all, even though she didn't enter, she just showed up. and then it's oh hey guess what, this guy we never even knew about saved her, and it's a cliffhanger ending.
You're lucky I'm feeling nice, because I would rip this to pieces on sheer principle if it showed up on /fic/. This is NOT a good dark story.
1300426 But its not like anyone has ever heard of battle royal
1300705 ... I've heard of it
I once heard someone say that in Paris they call The Hunger Games 'Battle Royale with cheese'. I always see Battle Royale when I'm picking up books in Chapters in the fantasy and sci fi section. I keep meaning to pick it up, but when my choice is two 40k books or Battle Royale, I go with 40k every time lol.
Hunter C. Creed
1300739 Shown in my previous comment. An AJ Smug and Trollestia
That should answer how you mistook my question
1303904
I did get the joke... I was being overly dramatic... I guess Rarity despair would have been better. I also need to come to the realization that you can't use tones of voice over the net.
I shall stop making a fool of myself, night.
Hunter C. Creed
1305539 You just write a sig beneath every comment?
THEN I SHALL DO THE SAME!
- Rainbow Dashtruction, general of the brony empire
1300110 I wouldn't be surprised.
maybe this should be a test for Equestria. She truly isn't meant to die, but rather all the ponies are meant to save her
well...this got bad fast.