Narlepoax III
Joined 28th Jan, 2013 ·
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Quite an interesting concept. I hope to see more.
Oh dear, from what I've read in Your Human and You, and to what AJ does with some of her slaves......
3805369
>:3
Imma follow you....good start. I've gotten rather fond of these sort of stories. If done well, they can be a rip-snortin' fun fest to read!
(I might have to start my own "Your Human and You" story...)
3805404
Well thanks!
I hope you realize that this story is going to be pretty dark, though...
3805414 Dark iis fun when done right!
I should really start up a version of my own just to test it out but nice start though it seems that some sort of sexual interactions happen a lot of the time in these stories one way or another.
3805452
Some sort...
I thought about this when you said SCA
This has everything to do with blacksmithing
So Dominic can understand the ponies easily but they can't understand him? will he eventually try writing to communicate? or will he go batshit crazy, make a suit of armor, sword and shield and rip some asses open?
Well heres hoping that he can swing a hammer better than these four legged gits.
Good chapter btw.
Just a thought... You might want to use a description that goes more into why your story is different than all the other YHAY stories. I'm just sitting here, wondering what sort of narrative "A Man of Iron" as a title indicates, and that question should really be answered by the description. :/
Let's fuckin' do it. Faggots!
i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/002/673/AngrySpider_.jpg
Catty-corner means diagonal, last I checked... Unless his floorplan isn't orthagonal, I'm having a hard time picturing this.
Overall, this chapter seemed... bloated? I don't know where the story is going, so I can't say with any degree of certainty what is or isn't going to be relevant down the line, but stuff like the home brewery, his house's floorplan, his apprentices, the bar they frequent, and the dude from Ohio... Well, I'd be very surprised if ANY of them have an impact on the rest of the story. I get that you're trying to give a sense of normalcy, but when I, as a reader, can safely skip entire sections of a chapter without missing anything plot relevant, I think there's a bit of bloat going on. (Unless all this stuff actually IS relevant down the line, in which case I'm an arrogant asshat who jumped to conclusions)
3805810 they make steel baby nappies
Your human and you, it wasn't a bad fic but the idea of humans being treated like what's basically cattle is a bit much for me. Reading that, and remembering how many humans the apple family owned in that story...I'm not sure I can go through with this
Especially with that sex tag...just...no.
When I stumbled upon Your Human and You, I never imagined I'd find another fic like it. With this fan base, however, I should've known better. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
3806068
Yeah, gotta say it looks like 80% of this chapter could be axed...
What up bro! Loving it! I had a "Your Human and You" idea too, don't know if I'm ever going to do it, but yeah. Nice!
3806216
There's actually several stories like it at this point.
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/201712/your-human-and-youverse
All the ones I know of are in that group, I believe.
It was a decent read so far. Found a mistake, though:
No need for the "the" and there's an extra space between the second "the" and "one."
Really, I'm just hoping you don't abandon this too much. I also hope that the sex tag is just there for sexual situations or something. I mean, I get pulling a clop thing for a slave fic wouldn't be bad, but, this story doesn't seem like it should take that route (unless it gets really dark and Dom is forced to do something to another slave, but, you never know). Your story though. I'll probably read it a little bit more and see where it goes.
3806242 Yeah, I'm currently looking through some of them. Thanks for the heads up all the same. I'm looking forward to seeing how big this group gets.
Shaun of the Dead reference FTW
3806231
Hey hey, a story with nothing but bone and no extra fat is boring! I know, I read hundreds of fan-fics. These kind are the best, plenty of detail, but not describing every literal step.
3806333
All bone is no good, but this is just describing routine.
Congradulations on getting featured... this is for you!
i936.photobucket.com/albums/ad204/MadMaxtheBlack/YHaYApproved_zps424b0265.png
Having a human who's actually HAPPY with his life? Which we get to SEE? Fascinating.
But did you really have to do it to him in the SHOWER? Really? And then dump him in snow? That's kinda dickish.
The premise is interesting and I'd like to see where it goes, but I'm downvoting and not-faving because you wasted an entire chapter on stuff you yourself admitted was boring, hard-to-write compost. This does not say good things about your ability to write and maintain a long-form story.
This sounds like the plot from the original Planet of the Apes.
Please don't fuck this up, please
Are all the chapters gonna take two months?
Good story so far,
3806267
Whoops, missed that.
Also, you are correct. No clop will happen in this story, but I will make another story, where the clops happen. Just in case anyone wants to read that.
3806326
YEAH! SOMEONE GOT IT!
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/244873__UNOPT__safe_animated_50f13860a4c72d4916000f78_51167e6aa4c72dce9e00072f.gif.gif
3806435
Oh, the dickishness will not end there...
3806494
Okay.
I hope I get to change your mind later on.
3807122
Seriously, why not just kill 90% of this chapter and change the actual interesting bit into a prologue? You can reveal little snippets of his past life through his internal thoughts, his reactions to things, and his dialogue. That would read better and be far easier to write than what you've tried to do.
I hope those fetid ponies are ready get medieval up in here, because I foresee many decapitations and metal-boot curb-stomping fun in the future!
3807141
Because it took two months to write.
Permanent Temporary gave much the same advice, but I was just like... Yeah, fuck that.
3807304
Yeah. His advice was correct. The reason it took two months is because you were determined to write the boring drudgery you thought was 'necessary,' and your brain dragged it's neurons every inch of the way. If you want to write a good story, you need to know how to A) get past worthless exposition and B) cut your losses.
3807458
Funnily enough, most people who have decided to follow this story seem to have enjoyed how fluffy this first chapter was.
Haha, yeah. No.
The only way they couldn't communicate is ONLY if the guy AND the ponies are brain-dead. Wich they all are since he's been in a cage treated like a dumb animal/slave/sex toy for a while. Not looking good already.
I have poor expectations about this story from the get-go. Being in the same setting as "Your human and you" it got the same glaring problems from the start : the only way it can "work" is if the main character doesn't do anything.. and therefore isnt a character, just a glorified prop that gets thrown around to showcase scenes of abuse. Also it requires the reader to not think about "common sense" and react to all the perceived "nasty" things the "nasty" ponies do.
If he acted like the smart, educated, emotional human with an history and the will to live as he is the story/world would fall apart... or actually get interesting.
Its a trend these days. (Not just "your pet human and you" thing either) Human enter world of ponies, Humans are silent+stupid+blank+doormat, Ponies are super horrible to humans because they can.. and yet treat their dogs/cows/plants better than the humans despite the huge problems with being such idiots about their "property". No-pony have/see a problem with this.
And why is it that ponies always see their pet humans as sex toys and yet let them wallow in their poop all day? How is that.. sexy? A turn-on at all? How is the guy able to know she's aroused (is he that familiar with her already)? Why didn't he make clear he wasn't interested? Its not like its hard unless he's a emotionless, silent punching bag. If she had "her way" with him (likely rape or "bad touch"), how did she manage to subdue him in a way that makes sense from her perspective (him being a dangerous yet stupid animal with a penis) AND isnt "for the evulz" territory (see him in pain/terrified/NOPE and still goes at it)?
Please try to avoid the mistakes of "Your human and you" (i wrote a long comment about it in ch.1 of that fic) . Make sure your character is HUMAN and react/act/think/feel like one.
Don't make him a useless, powerless punching bag (because that's super boring and tiresome). Make sure the Ponies react with the surprise, curiosity and wonder they should at that unnaturally smart and clever human that obviously understands them way too much (not hard to spot since all the other humans are dumb).
Have them realize he's almost scary-smart the more they observe him. Have them investigate how he got that good with tests and magic or whatever. Have them have doubts/seriously question themselves about their treatment of him, his origins and just how did he get that insanely smart.
Make the world coherent with how ponies take Proper/good care of their human.. i'd expect them to care for humans on the same level as valuable/luxury pets since the "primitive" humans still are more emotionally complex, sociable and advanced/clever than the best dogs out there.
And extra reason to NOT treat them like shit: Primitive humans can friggin' WORK. Why the hell would anypony damage their human workers or have them live in filth and risk getting sick when you can have them work?? Heck, Humans could be worth "more" than a "cow" in the since that cows just do milk, while humans are much more versatile. Plus the bit about them being sex toys.
Extra reason: Primitive humans can still wreck the day of any pony. Easily. Ex: Angry primitive human snaps and jump on pony's back. Pony dies to being choked or broken neck in less than a minute or two. Simple as that. Humans are fairly good at fighting when you get down to it (agile, reach, flexibility, very solid grab, good climbing, decent speed, okay jump, clever, can use simple weapons. But they lack muscle power, skill and endurance, flight and magic). I'd expect them to fight as effectively (if not better) as chimpanzees. If they got surprise on their side even a unicorn is in deep trouble.
How to counter all that? Make sure the humans are content and docile by not abusing them. About the same reason you don't abuse a dog so he doesn't rip your throat out.
Heck, if the Guy wanted to, he could more or less murder anypony he wants and just put the blame on a random primitive human or "accidentally died". Not like the ponies are a challenge in criminal investigations against a modern, educated human (wich they expect to be a dumb animal) or a tragic "accident".
It sure is more interesting/coherent than ponies being nasty to humans because "reasons".
Hmm... a human character that is a blacksmith. If you decide to have him create anything in Equestria and you need some help with the processes just ask. I have been a blacksmith as a hobby for a few good years now.
3807569
Wow... That was a rant...
And not one that has a whole lot of basis.
You're kind of assuming a lot here. I haven't even had the character make contact yet.
3807569
*looks at comment*
*looks at AU tag*
Mhm.
3807590
Well.. yes. Reading it again its really not the most polite way to put it. Wall of text too. Sorry about that.
So yeah, Guilty. Im assuming a lot from a first chapter. I hope my rant is dead wrong. From my POV the premise and early parts are too much like "Your human and you" at first glace (and i strongly disliked it) due to the apparent communication failure on all levels, the mare being aroused about him and being in a cage for a while. This didn't inspire confidence in me hence why im ranting my worries about it.
The setting just seem really interesting, and i really want to see it succeed.
If my "rant" helped (somehow), good. If not, its just me wasting words and your time.
3805977
But that would be meta!
If you care tough, it's different because he wasn't bought by a princess. His owner is a farmer, she owns several dozen humans. He's just another face in the crowd.
She has no reason to pay attention to him when he's trying to get her attention.
3807743
It's no problem.
I hope that I can placate your worries in the further chapters.
I have a question will there ever be any tags added later in the story or is it what we see is what we get?
3807801
I don't see any more tags in the future. Maybe, but not likely.
And so man is hammered by his trials in the fires of a cruel world. Will he be forged into a blade or a hoe?...
Or some bullshit like that....
3807806
but I will still read the story none the less
ok got it just wondering because i am a big romance junky