Being rewritten to address some of the major criticisms of the story
One year after several ponies, including the Elements of Harmony, disappeared from Equestria Princess Celestia finally found a way to bring them back, only to find that they don't want to. The ponies have become members of the leaders of the plane of Ravnica, the guilds, and soon Equestria is drawn into the conflict after one of the ponies is found murdered. Princess Celestia has to find a way to convince the ponies to come back to Equestria and solve this murder with the help of guilds, before another victim is claimed.
Currently being edited by Lord Seth
Chapters (10)
First, I was like, "oh, city of guilds? That reminds me a lot of—"
Yep, Ravnica. Interesting to see where you'll take this. Also, this story wouldn't happen to be motivated by the recent Return to Ravnica block, would it?
EDIT: So, I've finally read it. I like where this is going, but it could use some formatting; it seems really wall-of-texty at the moment, and you would probably do well to separate instances of dialogue. The latter half of the chapter seems okay on that, though.
1262856 The artwork wasn't an immediate giveaway that this story referred to Ravnica?
Anyway, glad to see another MLP/MTG crossover.
1262856
Kind of yeah, i'm disappointed by most of the cards spoiled and the way that the story looks thus far so i decided to rewrite it myself with ponies of course
Not bad, I liked it. Dialogue got a bit wooden and generic in places, but overall, not bad. Personally speaking I would have preferred a bit more world building- any one unfamiliar with the setting is going to feel a little lost, but that is a personal preference. Gets a like from me.
1265360
There will be a little more in future chapters, actually part of the reason i had to split the first chapter into two parts, since i don't usually post a 10000 word chapter
Thanks for the like.
1265512 fair enough.
Interesting. Tell me more.
Ladies and gentleman I present to you... FILLER
. Ok I'm kind of exaggerating to a certain extent. This is the beginning of a story arc that will pull away from the Borborygmos arc for a little while. Rest assured though this arc is only two chapters after this one, and besides next chapter is almost completely from Rarity's POV who doesn't love that.
Also I don't plan to make the whole faux-card at end-of-chapter thing a constant... thing. The Scry Tome is really the first major alteration from anything in Magic continuity that I created (other than the ponies but you'll see as time goes on). And so I figured that it would be fun to visualize the first major plot element of my series. Also the faux-card will probably give a better explanation of how the Scry Tome actually works.
Twilight Sparkle had better have six islands in play if she wants her plan of restraining Borborygmos to work!
Let me try cleaning up the formatting on the card, using Death-Mask Duplicant as a guide. Is this what you had in mind for how the card should work?
Scry Tome 4
Legendary Artifact
Hexproof
Imprint — X: Exile target creature card with converted mana cost X from a graveyard.
X, T: Activate any ability of a card exiled by Scry Tome. X is that card's converted mana cost.
1588006 Actually the second bit isn't the cards CMC but the ability cost itself. So if it was targeting the Scavenge ability on a Sluiceway Scorpion then it would cost four colorless. But if it was targeting Deathrite Shamen's first ability, it would just tap.
I just added a story I'm revising to the "EQD Rejects" group, and since yours is the story before mine in the list, here are two paragraphs of comments.
First, I don't know what this is a crossover with, so I can't give you any comments on that part of it. Right from the beginning, though, I got the feeling that this was a sequel. So I looked around for a link to an earlier story, and when I didn't find one, I got even more confused. Because we get a few words in the first paragraph of chapter 1 telling us that the Elements of Harmony as well as Shining Armor and several other ponies were all sucked into a portal of some sort a year ago. I need to see that scene rather than just hear about it in passing. It's the inciting incident, as they say, the thing that kicks the rest of the story off. So I'll recommend a prologue where we actually see Twilight and the others getting sucked into a horrible swirling vortex or whatever it is.
Second, I have to wonder about Shining Armor. I mean, it's been a year since he's seen his wife, and when she suddenly shows up, instead of telling her how much he's missed her and how terrible it's been for him being separated from her, he starts detailing the social structure of this city he seems to have settled into. Did he abandon all hope of ever getting back to Equestria at some point and resign himself to living the rest of his life in Ravnica? Is he overwhelmed with joy when the princesses suddenly appear since it means he can go home now? Or has the year he's spent in this city changed him so much that he wants to stay?
Those are the questions I'm interested in seeing answered here, I'm afraid.
Mike
1720890 Well I will assuage your fears that this is a sequel, it isn't. The time skip was meant to allow some action to take place before going into backstory details, don't worry though, these chapters are coming and soon. It's also a crossover with a MTG set called Ravnica: the city of guilds. As to Shining, I'll see if I can elaborate in future chapters about his mental state when the Alicorns came to Ravnica. Thanks for commenting!
1721910 love to point out that if Jarad is guildleader then they already know about Szadek as he helped Kos defeat his sister and Szadek. He then became guildleader afterwards.
2002398 Yep, very true, but, I think that I mentioned this somewhere, this takes place two hundred years after the Dissension Crisis, so therefore the people of Ravnica believe that the Dimir no longer exist.
Sorry if that wasn't made clear
Shit just got real.
Decent story. I really liked the premise, and it's been executed well so far. I think Applejack is more of a Gruul, but you still gave her a good reason to be Golgari. There are a few issues, though.
The first is that some characters have gone through so many changes it's utterly implausible to believe it's been only one year. I think it should be changed to two years, maybe even three or more. Then changes like Pinkie Pie going full-on Rakdos are more acceptable. But one year is too short. Heck, it's less than one year, as shown by the fact she was like that even in the flashback, making it all the more unbelievable.
Another issue is the grammar. The first chapter in particular has poorly formatted dialogue, ranging from improper capitalization to improper comma/period use. You may want to get it checked over. It improves later on (or at least I noticed it less), but still has some errors that could be fixed. Again, having a proofreader check it all over would be a good idea.
Hopefully future updates will be coming faster than this last one!
2377692 Thanks for the feedback, both complaints are ones that I am working on. I've been working to explain the ponies sudden changes, especially with Pinkie I've been trying to hint that she was repressing a very Rakdos side all of her life, and she just let it out when she came to Ravnica.
In regards to the grammer, I haven't been able to get anyone to proofread so I've been going back through and redoing it myself. I went through the first four chapters last week, so if that was when you read them pray tell, because it means I have more work to do
And I will try to get the next chapter out faster, it's just that I'm trying to get this story, Eternal Darkness, and Mask of Fear all ready for EQD, and trying to update this and ED. But the next chapter is probably a bit shorter so it should be sooner than this one.
Noting down things that bug me as I go:
Celestia was making me go "Y U NO be more reasonable?" with Twilight, but it was justified well.
I really don't like how you've made Pinkie murderously schizophrenic (or otherwise insane), but at least it's not in direct conflict with established fact.
I really, really don't get how Luna (or Scootaloo, for that matter) could consider Rainbow Dash "corrupted". I mean, sure she's a bit more into body modification than is socially acceptable back home, but she's acting perfectly in keeping with Loyalty. (Luna possibly has the excuse of being hypersensitive and condemnatory of any change in behavior, given her own experiences. But Scootaloo? wtf?)
Actually, on second reading of that passage, something does pop out: Rainbow Dash doesn't point out that the beings she kills are clear and present threats to someone (which would make killing them an appropriate, if possibly excessive, action), which kind of suggests that at least some of them weren't. Oops, yeah, that'll make other ponies uncomfortable. So Pinkie is murderously crazy, and RD is murderously loyal. Marvelous.
Well, nothing bugs me enough to make me drop the story yet, but I'm being stingy with my praise for once. I'm definitely gonna keep reading, though.
Okay, I'm hooked. Onwards!
Templating time!
You explicitly said that there are five Scry Tomes, so Legendary doesn't quite work.
Scry Tome {4}
Artifact
When Scry Tome enters the battlefield, if there are six or more permanents named Scry Tome on the battlefield, the controllers of those permanents sacrifice them.
X: Exile target creature card in a graveyard, imprinted on Scry Tome.
Scry Tome has all activated abilities of creatures imprinted on Scry Tome. (If those abilities use the creature's name, use Scry Tome instead.)
2448092 Hmm, good point. And I can safely call myself original now, as I don't think that there has been a magic card with that restriction.
love to point out that you gave feather a lot of red abilities and is very similar to Angelic Skirmisher
2485928 Actually she is more focused in white, as Lifelink, Flying, and pro-black are all primarily white abilities, and the similarity to Angelic Skirmisher are intentional. All of these faux-cards at the bottoms of the chapters are cards that would pop up in my version of a set based on this story, and she's basically a -still playable- less draft/sealed destroying version of Skirmisher.
Take it from someone who played her in an Orzhov deck at the prerelease, she can win games, very easily.
2486042 sorry meant white abilities as well as it has been stated by wizards that the guild leaders cost are two of each color of their guild and has to be related to the guild style
2486055 Again this is based on my personal version of the set, as though it was designed by me. This, and one other reason that will become apparent later, is also why some guilds have both their master and champion in the same set.
In this case I decided that my version of the guild masters (if enough people want it I'll work in my versions of all of the others as well) would be one of one color and two of another, with their abilities focused on the color that they cost two of.
Feather's ability will make sense when you see her in combat several chapters from now, and she's the first one that I changed because most of the others haven't really been that important yet.
2486084 this is about you ignoring half their identities by doing that and the champions and guildleader is part of the point of the guild, a public authority and an example of what a normal guildmage should be like, not the god like figure of a guildleader.
2486107 Perhaps the new version is better to your liking.
2486134 new effect is the right colors not the boros style as it is to support her allies or large scale damage to enemies the boros is attacks as a large group and overrun their enemies
look at the new rakdos it support attacking with no defense
2486157 That gives me an idea. A Lightning Helix variant that doesn't suck.
Feather 3WWRR
Flying, Haste
When Feather attacks deal 1 damage to target creature or player for each creature on your side of the field that is attacking. Gain that much life.
2486589 now that is boros fun fact they planed to return lighting helix for gatecrash it was two powerful
2486897 Of course, its only a GOOD burn spell. God do I remember the days when "burn" meant Lightning Bolt, not Warleader's Helix.
Also I actually have to thank you for calling me out on it, being forced to revaluate the card eventually caused it to go from generic to kind of awesome. I would play my version of Feather
2487160 I have found that attacking a card makes one want to defend it why is that card legendary can it be a mythic instead does it feel like what colors it is how about how it fits into the area they are the first version of Feather you had was more white it didn't represent the boros it was a mythic rare angel in innistrad for what it did
2686029 Thank you very much! My editor also deserves huge props for improving the first 4 chapters with me! Look forward to an update soon.
Old rakdos mechic
2691984 Yes, I said in a blog post a while back that I was creating personalized mechanics, and using some old ones, for some of the faux cards. Hope you like them, and more importantly the way that the story is advancing.
The cover art reminds me of the Imperium of Man.
2913473 What is that, sounds pretty cool.
Also thanks for the comment and follow.
New chapter YAY!
I really want to see what'll happen with Borborygmos on next chapter.
Did you know Borborygmos name come after the scientific name for a rumbling stomach, borborygmus?
What a sweet name, with his only orders being "CRUSH THEM!" and "WE EAT!", I would be surprised if the gruul guildleader made honor to his name...
great chapter nice read.
Only read first chapper, didn't like the whole "Ravnica currupted the mane 6 thing". Makes it look like Ravnica is inhherently evil or that Equestria is the only good place. Still it caught my atention, i'll read a few more chapters and then make my decision.
I like the fic, I was a bit taken back by the sudden change (and still am) but the fic is good enough for me to keep reading.
HOWEVER... I think you should increase the amount of time that went since the ponies vanished and the princesses came to ravnica by 1 year or 2 AND I would like to see this Celestia get her ass kicked a bit, I don't realy like her.
You chose very...interesting guilds for the Mane Six. I would have changed RD to Boros, maybe Shining to Azorius, Applejack to Simic or Gruul, and Pinkie and Scoots to be guildless.
3831497 I didn't want any of them to be guileless because that way there would be one pony, and with the exception of the Dimir all of them are characters featured on the show, that could act as a lens into the guild to make the story feel more natural.
In terms of the changes that you suggested, I like the unique way that you think of Rainbow Dash, but I thought that in the end, being a captain of the guard, that Shining would fit more. In terms of AJ I had thought of the whole "dead parents, turns to necromancy" thing before thinking of anything else.
I do like it when people tell me their ideas for the guilds that the ponies would join. It's a pretty fun thought exercise, and I like that my story made people think so much.
3829666 I have received numerous criticisms along the same line so I would like to address this. The reason that I choose One year instead of Two is a simple plot reason... if it was two I would have to explain how the ponies managed to survive on their own for that long. While I could have made it so that they had been in the guilds for all that time I felt that it would be more interesting if they had only been there for one, just so that one would assume that they still kind of want to go home, at least in some cases, whereas in two you could probably see them growing alright with their current situation.
I do appreciate people citing the things that bug them about the story because in some cases that is just that I am a weird guy, but this one is purposeful and one i deliberated over quite a bit.
Still thank you for your comments, hopefully more will come soon.
What happened 6 weeks ago that made every MTG writer up and vanish?
4979401 I've actually been trying to adjust to a new job and my new semester at school. And recently got my wisdom teeth taken out, I will try and work on a new chapter and probably a new story sometime soon
(Planning a new MTG/MLP universe and a new fix within that universe that will start by retconning one of the worst things to happen in MTG recently)
however I am seriously hopped up on pain meds right now... also I have been playing Dynasty Warriors. Which has similarly taken up large portions of my time.
4980064 It's not just you though basically 6 weeks ago everyone writing mtg just stopped existing its weird, aliens?
4987352 That or the death of Elspeth threw them into a deep painful sleep. Where they will eventually be reborn as creatures of pure rage...