Rainbow Dash, a newly promoted Sergeant in the Galactic Republic forces, has been given the prestigious honor of joining Wonderbolt Squad, the best and brightest special operations unit in the galaxy. They're elite, they're fast, they're efficient, and best of all, Dash is one of them. But when she sets hoof on the dusty, rocky world of Ord Mantell for the first time, she discovers very quickly that being the best does not make you invincible. Her selfish pride may get in the way of seeking assistance, and even the persistent pestering of a certain Smuggler may not be enough to save the Sergeant from an untimely demise at the hands of the rebellious Separatists plotting to take over Ord Mantell.
Chapters (9)
LOVE IT!!
can't wait for next chapter
next one please
203999
Glad you like it! Chapter 2 goes up soon. Be sure to follow and rate so you know when I update~
204004
Chapter maintenance in place. The story may evolve a bit, but the story is largely unaffected.
Wow. This looks promising. Tracking... Now.
any idea of ho many chapters are there gonna be?
So are you doing the entire trooper story?
And more importantly, did you roll Republic Side on Vornskr?
>Ord Mantell Plot Twist
HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE
243402
Somewhere between 9 and 15 with an epilogue, hopefully. You never know how long a story is until its done telling how it ends, amiright?~
243459
I have a level 16 Commando on Vornskr. My main is a level 49 Sage on Lord Ieldis~
And no, probably not. It'll probably just be the Ord Mantell arc.
I'm glad I'm tracking this.
oh god please let ther be more chapters of this fic.
awsome backstory so far for pinky the merc/smuggler..cant wait to see wat you come up with for the resst of the story.
At first I was all like
new chapter!
character development!!!
the chapter's over.
Then I was all
Now I'm like
That is some awesome cover art did you make it?
This is going on the read later list.
keep up the awsome chapters , and why do i have a funny feeling pinkie went all phyco on that gaurd?
602839 Nope Derpiihooves did this as a commision
Why you no tell me you were almost done with the next chapter Lemon?? I r is dissapoint. Oh well, I'm sure it'll be a great read and I'll tell you how much I liked it later XD
603411
Thanks for that.
And I'm really not sure if you were talking to or someone else with that second bit.
603721
I was talkin to the author, Lemon or 'AidenMaxwell' as he's know on here is a friend of mine. so I was busting his chops because he didn't give me a sneak preview this time
603797
Ok then.
Now to leave an actual helpful comment.
I like that you're trying to give the characters some depth but at the moment you haven't gone anywhere very interesting with the backstory provided. I'd like to see how Dashes loyalties to the republic might be challenged by Pinkie feeling resent towards the republic for indirectly putting Lemon in separatist hands or something like that. The other problem is every time a personal issue is brought up its solved almost the same chapter or the one immediately after it.
Other then that this is pretty interesting.
I'd love to see the other three of the mane six as separatists or something. I could totally see Rarity as an Inquisitor or Applejack as a bounty hunter.
605354
This is helpful. I plan on making some serious revisions as the story gets further and further along, because that's been something on my mind as well. Thank you.
And Rarity, AJ and Fluttershy are on Tython~
605929
You're welcome.
605929
Oh so they're jedi? that could be cool.
awsome chapter
After a long day of re-flooring a small basketball court, this updated made all the pain and tiredness go away. Nice work.
Nice story. Hard to beat Star Wars + ponies.
So when are we going to see AJ? wait, don't answer that with a comment, a chapter will do
I found it at times hard to follow in the surroundings, not entirely sure what to picture in my head or having to revisit it a few times as the scene unfolds. However I have heard such things is the hardest to communicate to the reader.
743163
AJ is a Jedi on Tython. That story will be written when I finish here.
Can you give me any pointers? Ways to fix what you noticed?
754670
Not sure as I'm not a writer.
The normal environment is easily filled in with Star Wars based things from memory so when you say cantina most people can see one fairly quickly. So if no vital plot interaction has to be done it won't really matter too much if people see it differently, nor if the relative positions of different areas is not the same.
Now if the environment is important and certain events has to take place at specific places it could be a little harder to integrate a place you didn't know where there.
I reread the last part of chapter 6 and still can't figure out exactly how it should look.
Do they arrive from inside the volcano out on a hidden ledge leading to a hidden platform, with a hidden platform above them, with ocean below?
I guess that depending on if you have read or seen a similar scene before it's easier to fill in the blanks and piece together a coherent scenario. Which is why it is so hard to imagine what the reader would see when reading as the writer can see it clear as day.
Most parts through out the story was just fine and relied on filling the environment with Star Warsy objects adding some guidelines on how the big things should fit together.
Not sure what advice I could give, maybe read it through the eyes of someone without any knowledge of the surroundings and see if anything is confusing or not clear, and what could just be left to imagination alone.
Is Scootaloo a Private or Ensign?
AJ, a Jedi with a hat, spinning around in a flurry, lightsaber dancing gracefully in her hooves and a blond mane whipping behind her.
Can't wait.
757166
Private. Good catch. I'll fix that part like you suggested. Thank you very much.
awww cute chptr
punknomad.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/fuck-yes-meme-generator-fuck-yes-f64811.png
Loved that ending.
So much win.
That was a truely satisfying ending, I hope you'll write more of this, maybe from the other classes or maybe from the empire
899775
Does this answer your question?
http://derpiihooves.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d57il7s
922626 Yes, yes it doed... ... ... And I love it
Just being nit-picky here but not sure if this is supposed to be worded as metal paths or not.
"Narrow paths lined with metal paths and eerie blue lights made up the vast majority of the journey as they raced down the path as fast as they could."
Nice to see more coming of this and loved how accurate you were to the actually plot line for the most part for Ord Mantell.
I rate this 5/5 pinkies.
923341
I ask for people to catch these things for me. Thanks~
925861
No worries. I have a hard time even when re reading over the stuff I write sometimes. Really I've passed over words that I should have seen were wrong but my mind just auto fixes it without me realizing there was a mistake.
Awesome!
I have waited a long time for this. Only to notice that fimfiction won't notify me about new chapters
The setting and theme makes more sense when I started playing TOR. Ran through the free trail as smuggler and now a Jedi.
Ok, so that was pretty good. Not great, but I did enjoy it despite never having played the old republic.
Here's to list the good things:
The characters were likable. The plot was fairly decent and the surprise at the end had me interested. The action was well written and in general there's nothing here that I'd consider specifically bad. Except maybe a lack describing the scenery.
There are problems here though.
The big problem is a lack of intensity. The fact is that the fight scenes were generally pretty well written, but I was never once worried about the well being of the character. Because this is based off the game I was never once worried about the character's survival because I know that the character in the game survives.
To compensate for this, you need to raise the personal stakes. By that I mean put character building at the forefront and have the characters emotions be the source of risk. An intergalactic war is the perfect place to be back drop to such personal level conflict. Now I wouldn't say you failed in that regard, because there were one of two scenes in there that did work on that level (for example Dash's loyalty to the republic being tested by Spitfire) but for the most part there wasn't enough emotional involvement in this for me to really get to that "I have to know what happens next" stage.
Basically, I thoughr you should have taken the time to banter with the characters a bit more. Maybe giving Dash a bit more investment in Ord Mantel than just being assigned there would help, but I can see what you were going for with her being as green as grass at the start. When I say banter with the characters, I think you should have let Dash's resentment of Pinkie last a bit longer, or maybe have Twilight come down on Dash for getting a smuggler involved or something. You really need to have the reader invest in the characters and the characters personal interests. But this story has already been written so this review may be a little late.
But what's this? I read the other comments.
You plan on writing more of this except for with the jedi?
Well that's got me interested. I'll be sure to watch you to see where that goes. AJ as a jedi knight wearing a cowboy hat is too cool of an image for me to not get excited about.
Sadly though I found this image:
http://derpiihooves.deviantart.com/gallery/37288041#/d57il7s
I note the lack of stetson. I am disappoint.
But what's got me really excited, is the idea of this story and the future jedi story meeting up. Of Jedi knight Applejack and her friend Jedi Consular Rarity siding with Sergeant Rainbow Dash and the infamous smuggler Pinkie Pie to fight for the republic and face down the separatist threat. That is an idea so awesome that it's got me jittery just thinking about it. But, if such a cross over were to happen (and I really really hope that's your plan) you need to have the reader really really like the characters involved. A good way to this is with humor, but that's not the only solution. Just write the characters well, give them complex personalities and have the reader really really invest in them. That's what will transform this story (or set of stories) from being pretty good, to being really good.
1186420
I appreciate the time you gave me to read this, and of course, for the review. It's never too late for editing. That's why this story isn't on EqD, because I'm still getting it polished. So yes, these issues you've pointed out, I'm well aware of their existence, and I'm still striving to fix them after they're published. Your suggestions have added some good insight to the problems that need the most fixing, so for that, I thank you again.
If you have the time to spare, I'd appreciate some more specific help. Where edits need to be made, I'd like you to point them out and make suggestions. I have needed someone to go into this story and pick it apart like you have for a long time.
1187968
You want more specific help? Ok I'll see what I can do. Would you be fine with me downloading chapters of this story and moving them to g docs? Then I'll go through and just point out the things that can be improved and send you the link to the gdocs. If there's another way that you'd prefer for me to help than we can talk about it.
Oh, and I feel like a douche for just saying this but I am available for pre reading. I'm not so great with grammar but in terms of flow and structure I've been told I offer good advice.
1188409
That will suffice. And I'd take you up on it if I didn't already have two other prereaders working for me XD
Although, truly I don't need any help with the grammar and such. That comes naturally to me. Whatever help you can offer would be wonderful.
1189532
You can never get too many pre readers. I have three and I still end up editing my chapters post publishing. Still, it's your call.
Alright, I'll send you the links in a pm when I do take a look.
I am really happy with the fact you chose to do a story about non-jedi in starwars (even though the Pinkie Sense would make for a good force power). I find that jedi have been WAY overdone in Star Wars ever since they went to Episode 1 and thus I miss the types of characters that did so much in the first movies especially episode 4. I personally vote for more stories involving these characters especially Pinkie and Lemon as they are a cute couple (especially after reading the next story).
well I seem to be a little late but I like your idea of why you only got the Chest piece. I am defiantly liking this and if you don't mind me asking what server do you play on?
As much as I love the story you basically just demolished the entire Trooper story so on that note I guess you are either done with it or are going to make your own story
1542397
The intention was never to carbon-copy the Trooper's storyline. The presence of Pinkie Pie in the first chapter is the best indicator of this in the early parts of the story. All I did was extract names, locations and elements of familiarity so that those of us who have played the game can say "Oh, hey, that actually happened," or, "Wow, that was original." It's not a straight retelling.
As for what server I play on, unfortunately, I do not play much at all. I canceled my sub a long time ago, only having renewed it yesterday for one month, just to see what's up nowadays. The majority of my characters are on what is now Begeren Colony.