Author's Notes
All rights to The Old Republic go to Bioware.
Hasbro owns MLP: FiM and the characters.
DerpiiHooves made the title picture. Absolutely amazing artist. Link to his dA:[Link]
Fanart/Sketches:
Source: DerpiiHooves
Source: DerpiiHooves
Source: DerpiiHooves
Source: DerpiiHooves
I will put any/all fan content related to this piece here in the Author's Notes for The Ord Mantell Deception. If you want to ask me questions or send me anything, email me at jedimasteratuna@yahoo.com
Massive props to the reviewers at the Training Grounds on Ponychan, of which I am a member, especially to Dublio, my personal slavereviewer. They review fics with the absolute best quality reviewing skills. If you need a fic glossed over for errors, or want a professional review, check them out here: How To Guide to submitting
~AidanMaxwell
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Ok, so that was pretty good. Not great, but I did enjoy it despite never having played the old republic.
Here's to list the good things:
The characters were likable. The plot was fairly decent and the surprise at the end had me interested. The action was well written and in general there's nothing here that I'd consider specifically bad. Except maybe a lack describing the scenery.
There are problems here though.
The big problem is a lack of intensity. The fact is that the fight scenes were generally pretty well written, but I was never once worried about the well being of the character. Because this is based off the game I was never once worried about the character's survival because I know that the character in the game survives.
To compensate for this, you need to raise the personal stakes. By that I mean put character building at the forefront and have the characters emotions be the source of risk. An intergalactic war is the perfect place to be back drop to such personal level conflict. Now I wouldn't say you failed in that regard, because there were one of two scenes in there that did work on that level (for example Dash's loyalty to the republic being tested by Spitfire) but for the most part there wasn't enough emotional involvement in this for me to really get to that "I have to know what happens next" stage.
Basically, I thoughr you should have taken the time to banter with the characters a bit more. Maybe giving Dash a bit more investment in Ord Mantel than just being assigned there would help, but I can see what you were going for with her being as green as grass at the start. When I say banter with the characters, I think you should have let Dash's resentment of Pinkie last a bit longer, or maybe have Twilight come down on Dash for getting a smuggler involved or something. You really need to have the reader invest in the characters and the characters personal interests. But this story has already been written so this review may be a little late.
But what's this? I read the other comments.
You plan on writing more of this except for with the jedi?
Well that's got me interested. I'll be sure to watch you to see where that goes. AJ as a jedi knight wearing a cowboy hat is too cool of an image for me to not get excited about.
Sadly though I found this image:
http://derpiihooves.deviantart.com/gallery/37288041#/d57il7s
I note the lack of stetson. I am disappoint.
But what's got me really excited, is the idea of this story and the future jedi story meeting up. Of Jedi knight Applejack and her friend Jedi Consular Rarity siding with Sergeant Rainbow Dash and the infamous smuggler Pinkie Pie to fight for the republic and face down the separatist threat. That is an idea so awesome that it's got me jittery just thinking about it. But, if such a cross over were to happen (and I really really hope that's your plan) you need to have the reader really really like the characters involved. A good way to this is with humor, but that's not the only solution. Just write the characters well, give them complex personalities and have the reader really really invest in them. That's what will transform this story (or set of stories) from being pretty good, to being really good.
1186420
I appreciate the time you gave me to read this, and of course, for the review. It's never too late for editing. That's why this story isn't on EqD, because I'm still getting it polished. So yes, these issues you've pointed out, I'm well aware of their existence, and I'm still striving to fix them after they're published. Your suggestions have added some good insight to the problems that need the most fixing, so for that, I thank you again.
If you have the time to spare, I'd appreciate some more specific help. Where edits need to be made, I'd like you to point them out and make suggestions. I have needed someone to go into this story and pick it apart like you have for a long time.
1187968
You want more specific help? Ok I'll see what I can do. Would you be fine with me downloading chapters of this story and moving them to g docs? Then I'll go through and just point out the things that can be improved and send you the link to the gdocs. If there's another way that you'd prefer for me to help than we can talk about it.
Oh, and I feel like a douche for just saying this but I am available for pre reading. I'm not so great with grammar but in terms of flow and structure I've been told I offer good advice.
1188409
That will suffice. And I'd take you up on it if I didn't already have two other prereaders working for me XD
Although, truly I don't need any help with the grammar and such. That comes naturally to me. Whatever help you can offer would be wonderful.
1189532
You can never get too many pre readers. I have three and I still end up editing my chapters post publishing. Still, it's your call.
Alright, I'll send you the links in a pm when I do take a look.
I am really happy with the fact you chose to do a story about non-jedi in starwars (even though the Pinkie Sense would make for a good force power). I find that jedi have been WAY overdone in Star Wars ever since they went to Episode 1 and thus I miss the types of characters that did so much in the first movies especially episode 4. I personally vote for more stories involving these characters especially Pinkie and Lemon as they are a cute couple (especially after reading the next story).
As much as I love the story you basically just demolished the entire Trooper story so on that note I guess you are either done with it or are going to make your own story
1542397
The intention was never to carbon-copy the Trooper's storyline. The presence of Pinkie Pie in the first chapter is the best indicator of this in the early parts of the story. All I did was extract names, locations and elements of familiarity so that those of us who have played the game can say "Oh, hey, that actually happened," or, "Wow, that was original." It's not a straight retelling.
As for what server I play on, unfortunately, I do not play much at all. I canceled my sub a long time ago, only having renewed it yesterday for one month, just to see what's up nowadays. The majority of my characters are on what is now Begeren Colony.
1544833 Well I knew it wasn't a carbon copy(which is fine by me because that would have been boring) but wondering if you were done with it or were going to make your own story
1544846
I have two other stories so far, and both of them take place in this TOR spinoff universe. One is my original story, which basically is the backstory between Pinkie and my character Lemon, while the other is a redux of the Tython story of the Jedi Knight. I have been told they are both better than The Ord Mantell Deception. However, Trouble on Tython is still being written, so you'd have to follow me to be notified of updates.
1964008
Oh wow. Where was this? What chapter?
I play TOR, main is a trooper, lvl 40, and just finished Hoth. i love the trooper story. one thing i hate, though, is that in warzones, THE NUMBER OF FORCE USERS IS TOO DAMN HIGH, I swear.
3384534
>>Implying that people still play the TORtanic
I just love this!
I wish there were more fics like this
Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story?
Quick Question before I read the story...... is rainbow Dash wearing Commander Cody's Clone trooper armour? and is this in the STAR wars pony Universe?
4824168
It's not Commander Cody's armor. It's standard issue Republic trooper armor. This story takes place about 3600 years before Anakin Skywalker is born, when the Republic and the Sith,Empire supposedly have a shaky peace agreement between each other. That era of the canon is called the Cold War Era, if you want to look it up on Wookiepedia.
You're my new favorite on this site. I only recently got back into starwars, but you gave my interests new fire. Thanks man, you rock!