Tinder Lightheart, a compassionate colt nearing adulthood, operates an orphanage previously run by his parents, with help from his brother Warden and his sister Airy. Together, the Lightheart siblings raise young orphans and see them off to new homes, giving them a chance to experience what true love and a family feels like. One filly, Felicity Gardens, has been in the orphanage for far too long, and while Tinder's fears for her grow, an unseen entity looms ever closer that threatens to rip apart everything he has worked to achieve. A story of turmoil and misfortune, An Instance of Happiness follows Tinder Lightheart and his family as they learn what a true family is, and discover it through their hardships, complicated further by the meddling mischievousness of Felicity.
I know, it isn't Star Wars
This is something I've had for a long time. It's the first Pony-fic I ever wrote; I started it a year and a half ago, and put it on Hiatus. But seeing as it's been sitting in my Drive for so long and never got finished, I've decided it's time.
The story is relevant to me in a lot of ways, and regardless of whether or not it's good, I'm proud of it.
He fears for the safety for his daughter yet he can't go ahead himself to adopt her back for some reason (which I believe will be brought to light however later in the story), hires two ponies to try and adopt her but instead took it for 'abduct' (they need to get their ears cleaned) and... I don't even know!
I've temporarily taken down the second chapter in preparation for the Equestria Daily redux. Those of you who have seen it (and care) I'll be reposting it soon.
But we're finally going up on EqD.
This is interesting. I mean, the cover pic is MAJORLY SPOILERY, but I still want to see it happen.
I mean, an orphan raised by orphans, purposely failing to get adopted? Is good setup.
...
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...?
Well, I've given it a few days thinking time to make sure I'm not just in a bad mood or missing something, but after giving the introductory scene another read, I have some huge concerns about how the story is presented here. I say concerns because either I am absurdly off-base (which I am certainly open to) or your editor(s)/pre-reader(s) are failing you. I'll pull some examples from the opening few paragraphs to highlight the source of my concern.
The crimson unicorn began flipping furniture over in an attempt to locate the child.
Such direct expression of the intent of a character is, in my book, almost a textbook case of improper telling. The oddity is that the problematic part of the sentence is entirely redundant. You're already done enough work to set the tone and the purpose, so simply stating that the character is flipping furniture is quite enough to convey the purpose. You're doubling the length of the sentence while killing the strength of the prose.
This had not occurred while he had been downstairs, so that meant she was still in the room
Both parts of this sentence are problematic both individually and in conjunction. The first part feels like an extremely wordy and dull way of putting the information across that seems entirely at odds with the feel of the scene and emotion it is trying to portray. It's rigidity makes it feel like straight narrative, and not indirect monologue of any kind, which taints the second half of the sentence with the same narrative 'distance'. That being the case, the statement that she is still in the room is being offered as a de facto assumption forced by the narrator. That's a different kind of telling—one slightly insulting to a reader as opposed to simply lacking engagement. If it is supposed to be voice, then it needs to be a boat-load stronger. If it's narrative, it pretty much needs to not be there at all—mentioning the spell and that it hasn't triggered is quite enough to imply she ought to be there without being demeaning.
Tinder resigned to the fact that she wasn't in the room.
Between being told the direct emotion/thought process through narrative, and the fact that technically the pronoun use could be taken as self-referential, and thus unclear, this pretty much sums up the reaction I had to most of the prose: a bit stiff, a bit wordy, and generally hard to get into.
Sure, there isn't anything outright bad and this isn't an attempt to take pot shots or complain for the hell of it. I'm genuinely concerned about whether this is some form of style choice (which I get to dislike, but can't pretend such arbitrary values as right or wrong), or simply something that people who should know better are failing to bring this stuff up. I haven't checked your more recent works, and I make no pretense of having mastered this stuff myself, but I couldn't pass by without voicing my concerns.
-Scott 'Inquisitor' Mence
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By and large, that was stylistic choice, to write that way. The examples you provide, however, are in error as you say, and I have edited them accordingly. If you have further qualms to direct my attention to, feel free to private message me.
do I say first? naaa
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2 out of 2? great!
“We'll have to come back tomorrow and find down again!”
-This sentence needs work.
who must have been cursed with an anti-adoptive spell or something. She was a charming and intelligent filly, but was always getting into trouble.
-Both these sentences seem a bit of a rehash for no good reason, and the first contradicts his idea she is self-sabotaging.
were complaining of sore hooves and irritated ears
-Ears sore from the noise, or is this something about horses I don't know?
Neither disrespected their brother for his lack of special talents:
-So you go with the idea that earth ponies really don't have anything they can do that the other two types can't?
She was on the back of a hooded pony, her mouth gagged, her legs tied, and her amber eyes filled with fear
-I would think that the other market goers would be shouting for the guards or trying to stop the kidnapper themselves if you don't include street-patrols in your fanon.
Plus, his job was on the line. Again.
-I don't know why KIDNAPPERS are considered something he is supposed to be absolutely responsible to prevent.
The nearest building had its lights on inside, so he bolted toward the front door.
-You need to explain the limits of the locator spell a bit better... he can't find her in one building, but it is helping him in the chase SOMETIMES? I guess that could make sense for certain ranges.
We need to alert the authorities.
-Why did he go to Warden before doing that? No street patrols, but police DO exist?
“Not without some evidence.”
-I would think that Felicity's and his statements would be enough evidence to get things started at the VERY least.
A very angry green pony paced back and forth in the foyer of his mansion.
-Rich enough to bribe police to look the other way?
“Uh, sir, you wanted us to ‘adopt’ Felicity?”
Mr. Gardens stopped. “Yes. Why? What did you do?”
“Well, we thought...you said ‘abduct’ her. So, we kinda...tried to abduct her.”
-Oh, good grief... well, this turned out to be a big load of nothing. They could try to threaten him that if he turns them in, they will claim that they didn't just mishear him. But even that wouldn't seem to make any big development in the plot. It is, however, very odd that he is rich enough to have servants and still hasn't come to collect his daughter. He must really be married to his job.
“I fear for the safety of my daughter...”
-Or maybe he had her placed in the orphanage for her own safety and it actually had nothing to do with how busy he is? He could have even sent her a secret letter telling her to sabotage any attempts to adopt her, so that she would still be available when tactical concerns allowed him to recover her... or at least a promise that he would come for her within a certain time frame if she didn't find a couple.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
“Felicity Gardens, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
-She is using her real last name? Not very under cover...
Tinder’s lawyer pushed for a mere fine, while the other pony reassured the judge at every interval that not even a hero of the day was above the law, and deserved punishment.
-I somehow doubt Twilight was held responsible for any damages from the altered parasprites... or even Fluttershy. I suppose that Celestia COULD have handled things discretely behind the scenes, but I doubt it.
For the last three days they had cried together, played as hard as they could, and said all of their goodbyes to one another, because this would be the last time any of them would see each other again.
-Mr Gardens was more than three days away? The scene with him felt like he was in the same town or something.
“He’s terribly sorry about some ‘incident’ and will meet us in two weeks to take his daughter home.”
-He couldn't get there faster than THAT? What in the WORLD?!
“Of course we’re taking her with us,” Tinder said. “No question.”
-And not leaving a note, because it could attract legal trouble? Or they can mail Mr Gardens when they get to Ponyville.
“I’d start with his office, I think.” Tinder pointed out a slightly tall, round building near the center of town. “It’s still bright out, and I doubt highly he’d lock up for the night so early in the afternoon.”
-Ok, I wondered if this might not be in the pre-Diarchy or early Diarchy period, given how messed up the laws seem to be, but this is the first indication that it, at least, isn't during the time of the show, or it would be HER office etc.
It’s just the only one that isn’t some quaint little hut or country-style general store.”
-Ok, so definitely very early. Although, unless Ponyville was destroyed and then re-founded, this has to be during Granny Smith's lifetime, which means it it during Celestia's rule... which leaves me feeling like the legal stuff was an a plot-pull, in the Brony-talk definition of "plot".
Just because the buildings aren’t all three or more stories high doesn’t mean their quaint, Tinder.
-OK, so the architecture could be as INTERESTING as we know (tree-library, Carolsel Boutique, joke shop, Sugar Cube Corner, as examples of the style).
Before anyone could try to understand what was happening, she vanished in a cloud of smoke, running full gallop back into the center of town
-Ok, you BETTER have them be surprised about the gender of the Mayor, or have this explicitly set before or after her terms of office.
The group looked to see a lavender alicorn trotting up to them from the other direction.
-Oh, right, I forgot I found this story while looking for Twilicorn fics. Well, that means that the Mayor Mare COULD have been voted out of office over two years ago (when the main trio of character's for this story's parents died).
I’m Twilight Sparkle.
-She must be new to the whole Princess thing, or she wouldn't bother introducing herself since everyone would already know her name from the news.
“Are you by chance related to the royal chef in Canterlot?”
-Well, that would explain it... is somepony trying to kidnap Felicity for real for leverage to get him to poison someone important (I don't know if the princesses could be harmed by poison in your fanon, but it is plausible). Or maybe revenge for something he did years ago?
“Oh, the mayor is a mare? I didn’t... well, thank you, Prin... err, Twilight.”
-Different mayor? Or just an unclear letter?
“Let’s just go meet the Mayor so we can get home,”
-Consider "get to our new home". Also, I wonder if Twilight has enough power to overrule any misconduct charges they might get for bringing Felicity with them herself, or if that would require her to write Celestia? Not that Twilight ever seems to appeal to Celestia to solve problems... well, maybe for Tanks "torticopter".
Lightheart? I knew your mother and father, alright.
-Ok, same mayor, and I am guessing that the job is a lifelong one if there parents knew she would still be doing it.
“You’ve done so much for us, though. We couldn’t ask-”
-Wasn't that half the reason they came to Ponyville? The house being the first? Also, the house is a singular item, no matter how significant, so you might want to rephrase the first sentence.
You must work to earn your new home,
-Ok, so the JOBS are the only things she is really doing for them?
near the front gate of town.
-Speaking of which, I'm jumping back to this to comment that I don't know when Ponyville would have added gates. I guess this is a few years after Twilight accended and the size of the town (growth due to having a Princess living there) indicated some improvements? I mean goodness knows if I lived within walking distance of a place like the Everfree Forest, I'd want a wall around my town, just to be on the safe side (well, it wouldn't help against parasprites, cockatrices, or manticores, but still... every little bit helps).
It was....your parent’s home, actually.
-This doesn't jive with it being a recent construction to me.
I’ll assign you to Sugarcube Corner tomorrow.
-Equestria is now a communism economically? The Cake's don't own Sugarcube Corner and thus get to decide who gets to work there, rather than having workers assigned by the Mayor?
They need another good pastry chef to work while Mr. and Ms. Cake are away on business this week.
-Ok, that works. "assign" seems like it was a bad word choice.
“We can’t all be Tinder Lighteheart,
-And from much earlier we have this, which I only just now realized was a misspelling.
for the first time in her life, she was going to make friends.
-And not have to move away? They didn't tell her about the letter then? Her dad is going to track her down pretty quick I would think, especially if they aren't total idiots and send him a letter explaining matters.
“Unless we took the long way, that is. Burglars, maybe?
-Missing closing quotes.
I’ve never thrown a surprise party before.
-She helped with Pinkie Pie's party in "Party of One".
I’ve just been cleared out of my lifelong home, forced out of my favorite job, and sent to a whole new place against my will.
-Well, she probably lived in her library tower with Spike for a while... or maybe she didn't live there? And she certain WAS sent against her will, and given responsibilities that she MIGHT not have been used to, and CERTAINLY didn't appreciate. Of course, she thought at the time that the move was just for a few days.
That would have saved us a lot of grief, too, with the Nightmare Moon incident.
-Not really... the only thing that would have been different would have been that SHE would have had a better day leading up to the SSC, and that she might have managed to activate the Elements before Nightmare Moon teleported them a few hundred feet.
“I heard a rumor that the banished Princess had been reinstalled up in Canterlot. How were you involved in that?”
-What. The. Buck?! So all of the three seasons we currently have happened in less time that it took for the news of the return of Celestia's beloved sister to spread in a country that canonically has newspapers? I would have thought that Celestia would have had the joyous news declared in every town immediately (and if she was thinking ahead one tenth as much as many people think she was, she already had the announcements secretly printed, since either her sister would be back, or everypony would be freezing to death in eternal night... I guess the Elements COULD have banished Luna for another thousand years instead of purifying her, or even a de-powered Luna could have still hated everponies guts, but still... that would just delay things a little).
plus Felicity – no, Tinder considered her part of their family –
-Yeah, MAJOR plot-hole (NOT in the euphemistic sense of "plot") that they aren't sending Mr Garden's a letter, and thus still consider Felicity part of the family, rather than emotionally getting ready to let her go.
But he knew, deep down, it was in her best interest, even if it would kill him to see his only daughter taken from him this way.
-He has a mansion, but couldn't afford a nanny?
But now he had money. He had a beautiful, luxurious home in Canterlot with a wonderful maid who could watch Felicity when he was working.
-Guess he got promoted a lot in the mean time?
I will meet with the Princess tomorrow morning, and then I depart for Yearlingdale.
-Which would explain why he might miss THEIR LETTER?
Are you aware that the entire section following the parents' letter is centered?
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Could be that everypony in Ponyville knows each other well enough not to sue over stupid accidents. I mean, they know each other well enough to participate in constant musical numbers. Also, everypony added to the issue with the parasprites, by taking them home and feeding them.
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You seem quite convinced you know how this story ends
To address a few of your concerns: Ponyville and Yearlingdale are basically opposite ends of the world. Yearlingdale is actually incredibly close to Equestria's border with the ocean, whereas Canterlot and Ponyville are much farther inland. Celestia and Luna's rule over Yearingdale is loose, hence the city council and the more judicially run market sector. News of Princess Luna's reinstatement is common knowledge, but the Lighthearts are not entirely savvy to the goings-on in Equestria; they busied themselves with the maintenance of the Orphanage and not much else. Rumors, but nothing confirmed.
The story itself is, for the most part, complete to a certain point. I am currently finishing the 6th chapter, and thus, I know what happens regarding Felicity and Herb Gardens, and how the Lighthearts approach the issue. I myself am adopted, and have a brother brought out of foster care, so I am... not quite intimately acquainted with the rules, but close. What Tinder and his siblings have is temporary joint custody of a foster child, or the equivalent thereof. Don't worry, from a legal standpoint, what they're doing is allowed. They're basically holding onto an orphan while the Yearlingdale City Council finds another facility to watch her.
The Lighthearts are also, for the most part, ignoring Herb Garden's imminent approach. There is tension there, and I plan to break it soon.
Thank you for the grammar/spelling fixes. No matter how many times something gets preread something gets through every time.
If by "how it ends" you are referring to my frequent mentions of a letter, that was more in the way of a plot hole I felt I saw than a prediction.
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There will be no letter, and it is not a plot hole. The judge notified the orphanage staff that Felicity was not ready to be received at another location, and that she needed a place to stay. The alternative was to surrender her to the government to be put into foster care. After that, it's out of the hooves of the city council. The Lighthearts had every right to take her with them simply because she was their responsibility after the orphanage closed. Rather than putting her up for foster care, they took her with them.
In a future chapter, they will tie up the legal end of that, so rest assured, a letter will not be necessary
I don't care if their plots are covered legally. I may have phrased some of that in a way that made it seem like that was the core issue, but even without that, they are taking a personal responsibility, in part, because the father asked them to look after his little girl until he could pick her up. Thus making the pick-up possible is just common decency.
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Why would they want Mr. Gardens to find her? He's more or less the antagonist
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I NEVER got that impression. I thought that she was in genuine danger from some third party (not the initial kidnappers of course), and Mr Gardens was anxious to get her to a protected location before things went bad.
2553135 [SPOILERS]
It really hasn't been set up yet. Chapters 4 and 5 explore Felicity's relationship with the Lighthearts a little more, and then right around Chapter 6 I drop a bombshell.
The tension exists in the fact that Felicity and the Lighthearts are growing closer. Something threatening to destroy their family, and that may or may not be the imminent, ever-looming approach of Herb Gardens.
As far as I'm aware, there's not danger or some strange entity that wants to cause harm to anyone. This is very much an E-rated story. The conflict hasn't really picked up quite yet, but it makes itself evident very soon.
we’re rilly hungry
An burly red stallion
The she slammed the door shut
This is rilly good
until they reached an moderately spacious room
1. Really.
2. A
3. Then.
4. Really.
5. A.
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The "rilly" is dialect. Its a grammatical choice I've been using for either small children or those of blatantly Sorthern origins (Applejack and Applebloom, primarily)
Ill fix the rest. Thank you.
3128867 Ahh, I fail at recognising dialects save for the 'Southern I' known as Ah'
Good luck, Felicity.
Sweetie Belle Apple Bloom and Scootaloo
He grasped his chest suddenly as though her were in pain
and her main had been combed straight
1. Forgot your comma here.
2. He.
3. Mane.
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Oh, autocorrect, why you never notify me when you do your job...
Thanks.