• Member Since 11th May, 2012
  • offline last seen February 15th

donceluzza


T

A slight combination of Amnesia: the dark descent and FiM, the main character (not given a name initially) finds herself in the Ponyville Asylum which is under the direction of a Twilight Sparkle. She then must contend with the denizens of the Asylum as she attempts to find a way out of the twisted place, by any means necessary.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 17 )

Hm, interesting concept. Never played Amnesia myself, but I've heard of it. Will watch to see how it goes.

Couple of things:

Paragraphs in the prologue need to be spaced out a bit more. It felt like I was reading one big block of text. I noticed you done this in Chapter 1 though :twilightsmile:

Try to make the paragraphs a bit smaller, and don't be afraid to just use single lines. This should help the reader take in what's being written, as well as build up tension.

For example:

I don’t remember any testing, or anything regarding this asylum. Come to think of it I don’t remember anything at all.

could be turned into:

I don’t remember any testing, or anything regarding this asylum.

Come to think of it I don’t remember anything at all.

Finally, proof-reading. Some mistakes in there.

...named Fluttershy, she is one of the ponies deterred in this lovely...Deterred should be detained

...most of the monitors. And my little assistant Spike... No need for the 'and'

Other than that, looking forward to the next chapter :twilightsmile:

If you need a proof-reader I'd be more than willing to help :pinkiehappy:

Sweet, an Amnesia crossover! I love that game! :rainbowkiss: I love the horror elements that have been put into this story. Reading it in the dark with headphones really helps too. :pinkiecrazy: Definitely tracking this! Can't wait for the next chapter! :rainbowkiss:

This is a pretty good story despite the many spelling mistakes and punctuation errors. So many missing commas just absolutely killing the story. So many text walls! Paragraphs, paragraphs!

:pinkiecrazy: Im Dying to see the rest of the story!

OOOO I'm devoted towards this; :pinkiecrazy: I want to read more. :DDD

This keeps getting better and BETTER!!!
Can't wait for more!!! :derpytongue2: :pinkiesmile:

dude did you copy this off fanfiction?

616129
Actually no, i was the one who wrote the one you are probably thinking of on Fanfiction and decided to bring it over here as well, it will probably also be showing up on Archiveofourown very soon.:pinkiehappy:

Just a note: Any spelling / grammar errors are my fault :twilightsmile:

Enjoyed this chapter. Might want to format it a bit though (dividers between authors notes, Spikes journal and the actual chapter, even if it's some dashes; italics for Spikes journal, like in the other chapters)

Other than that, keep it up :twilightsmile:

DAMN RIGHT YOU KILLED HER:pinkiehappy:! otherwise I would be disappoint :facehoof:

Wow. Good chapter! I sure wasn't expecting to find Photo Finish in here. Apparently I (protagonist) have amnesia as well as kleptomania. :twilightoops: At first I was afraid it was going to be Cupcakes all over again,:pinkiecrazy: but I am glad to see this is not the case. :twilightsmile: Can't wait for the next chapter! :pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss:

mooarrr, need moooaaarrrr :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy:

I agree! Moar Amnesia! Moar Ponies! I'm on the edge of my seat listening to the Amnesia TDD soundtrack. :pinkiecrazy: Can't wait for the next chapter! :pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss:

This is fucking great. MOAR!

Woohoo! Another chapter!! :rainbowkiss: So the truth finally comes back. "I am Dagger Cloak, and I was sent to kill Twilight Sparkle. After being trapped in this Asylum for a few days, I can start to see why; she's turned everyone in this Celestia-forsaken place into a psychotic killer! I gotta get out of here and find her before any others fall victim to this travesty!" i.e., can't wait for more! :pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss:

nooooooo....:raritycry::raritycry::raritycry: Such a plot twist god damn. Wel Alrighty. 10/10. :twilightblush:

Interesting, i like it =! more! :derpyderp1: :rainbowwild: :pinkiecrazy:

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