BlueHalo56
Joined 20th Jul, 2018 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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*passes this back covered in red ink*
Lack of punctuation.
Run on sentences.
Forgetting to capitalize proper nouns.
Suggestion: Remove, make corrections, then post.
10971542
Noted I'm currently in the field so if it doesn't get done it doesn't get done but I'll try to do some quick edits here and there while I've got the little internet and time to do so thanks for the comment
10971542
Done at least i think so curse my fat fingers not hitting what I want then to
Interesting so far keep up the good work!
That’s an interesting way to start a story.
So they’re legal?
Are some of those original characters?
Is the screen a window?
10972566
Thank you they are of age except the cmc that are around 15 to 16 get there later yes some are original characters and you ever seen a porch that had the same material as a screen door but it goes around it to keep bugs out its like that you see it alot on older houses down south and some newer homes through out the states
10972640
Have any images or something?
10972784
Since I don't have a computer and can't seem to beable to add photos with my phone just search screened porches and it should come up with it and when I get to a laptop when I'm out of the feild I'll post what it'll look like in the next chapter or idk I'll figure it out for the next one
Or email idk I won't be for a little bit so idk
10972826
Oh ok
If rainbow dash is telling you not to do something, then it’s better not to do it.
That is fantastic.
You entered his house.
It’s ok to laugh at stupidity.
Aww can't wait for next chapter
I forgot I was tracking this story.
Andrew is a real one. He was willing to take that punishment head on.
Why are they being punished for getting drunk even the victim? Especially Andrew when they have no authority over him, especially Twilight since they didn't break any laws to my knowledge. If you wanted him to finally come and answer her questions and meet the others just have him decide to, instead of this nonsense punishment crap. This was completely unnecessary and doesn't make any sense.
Edit: After rereading chapter 2 I realized it was due to getting Spike drunk, though you should have made it clear in this chapter. Rarity asked what they were doing to Emerald and the girls weren't shown noticing Spike and simply continued like it was about Emerald. Hell Andrew doesn't even name Spike when defending him and the stallions. I still think it's dumb that it was used to corner him to meet the others and answer questions. Too many fics go the route to force the human to. Is it hard to just have him decide on his own instead of this bullshit having to do it as punishment. Not to mention he got off easy for the same thing while it seems like the others will have it worse compared to him. Yeah, I still think this whole punishment thing is unnecessary.
11154835
1. Noted it didn't make sense as to why he was getting punished
2. The guys you'll have to see what's going on with them
3. Idk why people go that route I was tired and thought it was funny I got 3 other stories if you wanna give them a read as well no I'm not saying if you don't like this one read something else that's just rude how ever I do appreciate the input
And if is sounding super blunt sorry I'm currently in copious amount of pain since I've got four holes in my jaw right now
11154892
It's fine. Yeah the fic isn't for me. The chapters are too short and don't really have enough content to be substantial and make sense. I know this now that it's starting. You do you and I will find another story with more content.
11154905
Yea I only did the short chapters cause it was gonna be in parts but after that it was gonna be longer like my other ones but if it's not your cup of tea no point in trying to keep ya
Doing what? Meet with him? But that doesn't make sense since she would have to meet him in order to get to know him and... Brian explodes from stupid statement.💥
11300095
You'll know in the next chapter I kinda set up for how the world's history is in this chapter and foreshadowed some bits if you want read it or wait it'll make sense why she's sending what she has to the princess before she meets him
11300118
What? I have no idea what you are even talking about. Now care to actually answer my question?
1130yes she's going to meet with him
11300130
Not what I asked and I already knew that. No point in saying the obvious, but whatever.
11300151
What was the question cause I'm lost since what you wrote seemed to be what I answered with
11300152
I'm confused at what's Twilight's final statement means since it seems to make no sense. She said Celestia must know about him and meet him before she can meet him. Which makes no sense since how could you get to know or better yet meet someone before doing so. Either I am missing something or you phrased it poorly. I don't know.
11300161
Oh ok I see what happened you just miss read so the statement is Celestia is going to want to meet him so Twilight is sending her notes on Andrew before Celestia does actually meet him to know about him before making any decisions I can't really say much more than that since it would just give away what I wanna do but if you pay close attention to the reactions and what not you can kinda make out the way I'm taking this story for the next chapter or so
11300163
And she knows his because? Also what decisions? Not like he is breaking any laws just by existing or anything. I get this kind of thing is cliché, but usually there is a rhyme or reason to it. Hopefully it comes together next chapter instead of it being this way just because.
11300174
It'll come together next chapter at least enough to know what a bit of the history is going to be
11300175
. Guess I will just wait and see next chapter. Hopefully it won't be months this time.
History as in past events in the world yet it's going to happen in the future? Congrats on continuing to confuse me.
11300197
I try to work on it when I can but I'm in the military so I tend to not have a lot of time especially since I'm more experienced in my job then my staff nco at the moment so I kinda have to help run my shop especially once my cpl leaves
Reading this again I still don't know what or why they are even getting punished for. Is it for Spike or Emerald?
This suggests it's because of Emerald since he is mentioned by the girls and the only time Spike is mentioned is him being unconscious and the girls don't notice him, but it being because of Spike makes more sense that they would be angry enough to punish them for it. So, again was it because they got Spike drunk or because of Emerald?
Again stupid to corner him to with nonsense punishment crap. Just have him decide to since with the guys he is more used and tolerant of anthro pony people. Is it really that hard or unthinkable to do that simple thing? It's just not funny and it's pointless. Especially when if it's because of Spike he gets off scot free while the others likely don't making him taking the fall too pointless. No matter how you spin it the whole punishment thing is unnecessary and stupid. Hoping for better and things not to be too cliché in the future, but we will see. Also Twilight said meet with the rest of the royal family as in now, but that doesn't happen. No instead she has to send a letter to set it up later. Then again I supposed the statement is vague enough that it isn't an inconsistency, but whatever.
You f******* bitch!
Luna needs to f****** slap her racist/xenophobic sister to the wall!
Not only is this a fucking annyoing hie cliche that should just fucking die. It doesn't even fit in story since Celestia wasn't like this towards him before in the story, Great, you contradicted Celestia's behavior towards him to force in another annoying and hated cliche instead of doing something more original and help give this frankly mediocre written fic something to give it more merit to read. Well done you just made it completely unpleasant to read now. Good bye.
11585459
Well if you don't like it that is fine but if you remember he never once went outside when she was there the first time and I more than likely wasn't keeping it that way through out the story
11585563
The way it was written made it seem like she knew she was not dealing with a pony at all, but now you are telling me she did? Like i said it felt like you decided out of the blue to jump through hoops to fulfil your quota for annoying hie and anthro fic cliches in spite of the fact they are so overused to the point that the dead horse's ashes are nonexistent at this point, but no gotta start destroying the ground the horse was lying on too her de der! It's like come on man. Just because it's a cliche doesn't mean you have to use it too and literlly force the story and jump through hoops just to have it happen in a forced way just because. You are better than that!
11585690
Fair enough honestly I just wanted to try something and see where it went I don't spend enough time writing due to work and crap and I'm trying to take more time with my other stories while this is just a lets see where it goes spur of the moment writing thing idk if you've read the other stories or not so idk whether or not you'd like em and like I said if it's not your cup of tea that's fine I like the feed back any way lets me know how I can change certain things in the long run or what direction to take with a story
Is this gonna be a harem story? Because, they keep mentioning the heat season.
I wanna punch celestia. She seemed so nice to him before. Guess she was just being two-faced.
I hope twilight and the others give celestia the cold shoulder.
Welcome back and take youre time :)
Welcome back
Damn, that was some sniping skills.
Dayum american sniper thanks for the upload good chaptor :)
Somehow that voice at the end is gonna cause trouble.
Love the stuff keep safe