Dear Twilight,
I just read the reports on your mission to the Crystal Empire. I’m relieved you came out okay. Thanks for saving the world again. There’s a donut waiting for you at Joe’s. Spike gets one, too.
We all just heard that you’ll be providing the entertainment for the upcoming delegate assembly. Congratulations! That’s quite an honor. You’ll do great.
Your Pen Pal,
Lt. Radish Root
Shining Armor leaned back in his office desk chair. Radish sat in the chair before him, anticipating interesting news.
“Well, Root, I’ve turned in my two-week’s notice to Princess Celestia. After that, Cadance and I will be moving to the Crystal Empire.”
“Congratulations, your highness.”
“Heh, I guess I’ll have to get used to that. Me, a prince. But until I’m out of here, it’s still ‘captain’ to you, got it?”
“Yes, captain.”
“With me leaving, there’s new opportunity for advancement. There’s going to be a new captain sitting in here, for example.”
“Yes, sir?”
“And it’s going to be Barrel Roller.”
“Excellent choice.”
“But of course, now that she’s number one, she’ll need a number two.”
Radish just kept silent.
“And that’ll be Saguaro Shade. He’s being promoted to commander.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“Yep.”
The two stallions stared at each other.
“Uh, what did you want to talk to me about?” Radish asked.
“Oh, right. A few things, actually. First of all, the squad that was assigned to you during the wedding- Cadence and I were very impressed by how they handled themselves in battle.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“That’s why I’m taking them with me.”
“To the Empire? Permanently?”
“Yeah. I want them guarding Cadance just as they guarded Luna. They’re being designated ‘Honor Guard’.”
“That’s wonderful. For them.”
“And speaking of Luna, all those alterations you made to her tower? I need you to take them down.”
“Sir?”
“Selenic Spire is a masterpiece of ancient Equestrian architecture. You filled it with barbed wire and flood lamps. It looks like a prison on the inside.”
“Sir, I was short on time. Now that the wedding is over, I was hoping the additions could be rebuilt into permanent features.”
“You think Luna wants hurricane fencing blocking her stairwell forever?”
“Actually, I was thinking an elevator should be put in the center of the stairwell. It would block unauthorized fliers, and make-”
“An elevator, Root? Are you a royal architect now?”
“No, sir. I’ll, uh, get to taking everything down.”
“Not today. There’s an important package that needs to make it from Ponyville to Uptown Canterlot. You’ve been assigned as the courier."
“Oh?”
“It’ll be waiting for you at the platform in Ponyville. Use the code word ‘sugar’. The correct response from the contact is ‘sprinkles’.”
“Yes, sir.”
“And one last thing- Surprise Changeling Check!”
“Oh!”
“Tell me a detail from Twilight's birthday party.”
“Birthday… oh. Twilight was wearing a new outfit that Rarity made for her. A butter-yellow slip dress with white trim and a pink neckerchief.”
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow. “You’ve got an awfully strong memory of my sister’s dress, Root.”
“Good thing, too. Otherwise you’d be suspicious of me, right?”
“Dismissed, Root.”
“It was a perfect fit, too.”
“Dismissed, Root.”
The Friendship Express pulled into the Ponyville train station with a hiss of steam and squeal of steel. Radish stepped out onto the platform and looked around.
“Radish! Hi!” called a joyous voice. Radish turned to see Pinkie Pie.
“Oh, hello, Pinkie Pie.”
She stood, grinning widely at him.
“I’m sorry, I can’t socialize now,” said Radish. “I’m a courier for an important package. In fact, you probably shouldn’t be present when I pick it up. It might contain top secret…”
She leaned forward, barely containing her giggling.
Radish sighed. “Sugar?”
“Sprinkles!” she cheered. She reached behind herself and pulled out a pink cake box tied up with string. Radish took it.
“Seriously? I’m escorting a cake?”
“You didn’t know?”
“I should have guessed. I got knocked out protecting a princess, it makes sense this is all they’d trust me with.”
“Oh, you think this is like a demotion?”
“Pinkie Pie, guards protect the most important ponies in the land. A baby can sit next to a cake.”
“Are you kidding!? The Cakes’ twins nearly destroyed this! No way I’d trust them over you with it!”
“Well, thanks. But it’s still a lowly duty for a guard.”
“I assumed they were rewarding you with this job.”
“Rewarding me?”
“Yeah, giving you an easy mission to a nice part of town. It’s a total plum job. Not that it’s a plum cake, mind you.”
“Thanks, Pinkie. Well, I’ll take the cake from here. The Royal Guard thanks you.”
“No problemo. But you gotta sign for it.”
She held out a form, which Radish signed. She tore off a carbon copy receipt for him. Radish took the cake box by the string, then walked over to a bench and sat with it. He kept his hoof on his sword’s hilt. Pinkie Pie sat next to him.
“Want some company while you wait for the next train?”
“Okay. But first, Surprise Changeling Check!”
“Whoa! Okie dokie!”
“How did Luna tell you to resolve the Appleloosan conflict?”
“I know this one! She suggested ‘an arranged political marriage to unite the belligerents!’” Pinkie said, trying to imitate Luna’s tone.
“Correct.”
“I don’t think any of them are married yet, but the tribe and town are good friends now.”
“I’m glad. How’s the bakery?”
“Great! We started selling gigataternuts!”
“What’s that?”
“They’re gigantic potato flour donuts! Oh, yeah! I saved you one!”
She pulled out a paper bag with one such donut in it. It was glazed, and it was the size of Radish’s head.
“Wow. Look at that. What do I owe you?”
“It’s a gift, Radish!”
“Thank you.”
“Happy to! We usually sell out of these in the first hour each morning.”
“This town loves its sugar, doesn’t it?”
“Sugar is the fuel of life, Radish.”
“I guess that’s true.”
“So,” she said, nudging Radish, “Twilight says you’ve got a girlfriend now. Wooh-ooh!”
“Yeah,” said Radish, smiling. “Fanny.”
“Fanny!?”
“It’s what her friends call her. Short for ‘Light Fantastic’.”
“You know that word means-”
“I know. She loves that.”
“You should bring her to Sugarcube Corner! You can share a shake with two straws while gazing into each other’s eyes!”
“Well, she’s not really into corny stuff.”
“No, the shake could be any flavor.”
“Good one.”
“Thanks. You know, it’s funny- I was thinking of introducing you to my sisters. I bet you would have hit it off with one of them.”
“What are they like?”
“They’re all super smart, super funny, and super pretty!”
“Sounds like they can do a lot better than a guy like me.”
Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Radish, I don’t like it when my friends use self-deprecating humor. You should use self-appreciating humor.”
“Okay, as soon as I figure out what that is.”
“Well, I should get back. Enjoy the gigataternut. And enjoy the cake!”
“I’ll enjoy the donut, but the cake’s not for me. It’s going Uptown. It’s probably for some officer’s mistress’s birthday.”
“Oh? Well, I hope whoever ends up eating it enjoys it.”
She said goodbye and trotted away. Radish sat by the cake, eating his donut and watching ponies coming and going. He tried to scan the crowds for suspicious ponies as defined by palace guidelines, but none met the criteria. After another thirty minutes, his train rolled in.
He took a seat with the cake box, keeping a hoof on it. He showed his Royal Rail Pass to the conductor and bought tickets for himself and for the cake. He wrapped his tail around the box to steady it. The train departed.
As it picked up speed, Radish heard a series of gasps from the other ponies in the car, and looked up to see them gathering at the windows of the right side of the car. Radish looked out the window.
A gigantic, inverted glass fishbowl was descending on Ponyville.
Its rim would land across the tracks. The train wasn’t going to clear it in time. The conductor must have realized this and engaged the train’s brakes. Radish gripped the cake and braced himself. The train skidded on its tracks, not stopping fast enough. The rim of the bowl came down on Radish’s car.
The glass barrier hit the roof of the car, pinning it in place and crushing it into the tracks. It continued to press unabated, cracking through the car like a knife through an eggshell.
An elderly unicorn stallion stumbled and fell into the aisle. He was right under the path of destruction- the rim would crush him flat. He screamed.
Radish leapt out of his seat and grabbed the senior, pulling him free. The glass wall slammed onto his tail, pressing it into the floor of the car. Radish didn’t have enough slack in his tail to turn around and see it. He pulled out his sword and cut his tail off.
He turned. The wall of glass finished smashing through the train car, smooshing the train tracks flat into the ground while pressing his severed tail between them. Ponies on both sides of the newly-halved car gathered to see the glass.
Radish tapped it with his hoof. A flash of red emanated from where he touched it.
“It’s not glass, it’s a forcefield!” gasped the elderly unicorn.
“Everyone, stand back!” called Radish. The ponies stepped away.
Radish bucked the forcefield with his rear hooves with all his strength. He had no effect on it aside from another flash of red. He slashed at it with his sword. The wall of force made his sword vibrate and spark, but there was otherwise no effect on the barrier.
This shouldn’t be possible. Only Shining Armor can conjure a citywide forcefield, and this doesn’t look like his. Unless…
Radish grit his teeth.
Did Twilight do this? Is she experimenting? Trying to learn her brother’s spell? No, Celestia has been keeping a close eye on her studies since the heart-stop incident.
This could be a new dangerous enemy. But is it outside the barrier with me... or inside where I can't help?
“Who did this?” asked a pony. “Is this Discord’s doing?”
“Discord is stone, ma’am,” said Radish. “And the statue is in secure magic storage.”
“Then who?” asked another.
Radish turned to the crowd behind him. They were all staring at him, expectantly.
“First, we all need to get off this train. It’s not safe.”
As the ponies climbed out of the train car on both sides of the divide, Radish looked at where he was sitting. A mare on the other side noticed him. She went to his seat and held up the cake box.
“Is this important?” she asked.
“No. It’s a cake. Go on and enjoy it.”
She nodded, and carried it off.
The ponies from both sides of the forcefield gathered on the grass outside to stare at each other through it. Radish adjusted his armor, then stood on his hind legs to address both crowds.
“Folks, I need everyone to stay calm. Ponyville is within sight of Canterlot, so the palace will be responding to this soon. Keep away from the barrier and the train.”
“What about us?” cried a pony inside the forcefield. “We’re trapped in here! Along with whatever created it!”
“I say we go into town and find out who did this!” barked a large stallion beside her. “Then we take them down!”
“Folks, I don’t recommend challenging the maker of this thing. For all you trapped inside, I recommend returning to your homes or the train station.”
Radish walked up to the forcefield. He stared into town through his binoculars, but couldn’t see anything helpful.
Celestia is out of the country. That means Luna will have to deal with this. Is she up for it? It would be her first real test of leadership.
Of course she is. She’s Luna.
“Root!” called a voice above him.
A pegasus chariot dropped out of the sky carrying Shining Armor and two high-ranking unicorns. Radish saluted him. Numerous other pegasus-borne carts and carriages followed and landed nearby.
“Sir!”
“Root, we could see this thing from Canterlot. Report.”
“A forcefield of unknown origin has cut off the town, sir.”
“Was anyone hurt?”
“Not on the train. We were lucky. What are my orders?”
“We’re providing aid and transportation to these stranded civilians. I’m putting them up in Canterlot accommodations for the time being.”
“And then?”
Shining Armor walked past him, to the forcefield.
“One thing at a time, Root.”
The guards helped the train passengers onto transports. They took off for Canterlot. Other guards instructed the passengers on the other side of the barrier where to go. Radish pulled Shining Armor off to the side.
“Sir, there’s a cadre of Diamond Dogs nearby. They’re experts at digging, and they like jewels. We can hire them to burrow tunnels into Ponyville-”
“Root, for all we know, Twilight made this to contain a threat. We’re not breaching it until we know more.”
“I see. Well, Zecora should be outside the barrier. I can see what she-”
“I want you to get on one of the transports and debrief with Corporal Shade.”
“Yes, sir.”
“By the way, where’s the package?”
Radish looked at his tail stub.
“I’m sorry, sir. It didn’t make it out in time. I failed the mission, and I’ll accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate.”
“It’s just a cake, Root.”
“If you feel a court martial is in order, I won’t contest it. I don’t want to bring any more shame to the Guard than I already have.”
“I said, it’s just a cake, Root.”
“I realize there’s never been a death penalty in Equestria, but I understand that you need to make an example out of me. I will go to the gallows with dignity, sir. It’s what a cake-misplacer like me deserves.”
“Root, shut up and get on a transport.”
Radish stood next to Luna on her balcony as she peered at Ponyville through her telescope. She clicked her tongue.
“Very interesting spell,” she said. “It would appear that someone has applied extremely powerful metamagic to an extremely basic unicorn cantrip, and added a whimsical visual flair. I surmise that the caster of this spell has great power, but little experience wielding it. We are likely dealing with a low-level unicorn using an artifact or potion to boost their abilities.”
“So it could be anyone," mused Radish.
“Yes. But as you well know, such shortcuts come at a cost. The spellcaster may be living on borrowed time. They could be desperate, with little to lose.”
“Just say the word, ma’am, and the Royal Guard will bust through that bowl and take down whoever’s doing this.”
Luna looked at Radish. “You are worried for the girls, yes?”
“Yes.”
“As am I. But they have proven themselves against such threats, time and again.”
“But they usually have their Elements when they do.”
“Indeed, and I believe the Elements were the intended target. Our mystery villain must have planned to seize them, to further boost their power.”
“But we keep the Elements here.”
“Yes. Now that they’ve realized their mistake, they will come for them in Canterlot. They must be gathering strength under that bowl for the final assault. That is why I must have all guards here to defend.”
“Then, what should we do about Ponyville?”
“I will confer with the mage council. We will analyze this magic and prepare a counterspell. But it will take time to dispel something that large. Those girls will be on their own until then.”
Radish walked up to the balcony’s rail and put his forehooves on it. He stared worriedly at Ponyville. “Let’s hope their winning streak holds out.”
Radish and a battalion of guards stood ready in Canterlot Tower, directly in front of the door to the chamber holding the Elements of Harmony. They had been there for hours.
Stay safe out there, girls, thought Radish.
A puff of dragon smoke flew to Radish and popped into a scroll. The other guards watched him read it.
“Well, Root?” a guard asked.
“It’s from Spike,” said Radish. “The enemy is somepony they know. And Twilight has a plan to defeat her.”
“Does she need the Elements?”
“No, she’s going to use a doorstop and hair dye.”
“Kind of cocky these days, isn’t she?”
The news spread across the castle during the next hour, through official channels and the staff grapevine.
Trixie Lulamoon, a traveling illusionist who bore a grudge against Twilight, had returned to Ponyville, corrupted by an ancient artifact that granted her immense power. She had banished Twilight, cut off the town, and enslaved the populace. Twilight had cunningly conned her out of the artifact and restored peace.
Radish smiled as he read her account of using disguise and distraction to fool a more powerful opponent. Good job, Twilight. Thinking with your brain instead of your horn.
“What’s going to happen to Lulamoon?” asked Spats, reading the letter over Radish’s shoulder.
“She doesn’t say,” replied Radish, flipping the letter over. “Probably prison for life.”
“I dunno, she could try an insanity plea.”
“That might work. You’d have to be insane to take on Twilight.”
Radish returned his armor to the locker room. As he hung it up, he noticed a rustling in one of the pockets. He reached in and pulled out the copy of the cake receipt from Pinkie Pie. He read it over. The package was a bourbon sponge cake, custom-ordered with instructions to write a message on top:
FOR
MY
HERO
Radish made a snort.
Great. Delivering sweets with love notes. I’m a side character in a cheesy romance play. If only Ma could see me now.
He joined Spats, Bunker Buster, and another bunkmate, a pegasus mare named Boleadora, at their common room table for poker.
Radish put down a chip. “I raise five. And call.”
The ponies showed their hooves. Spats won. Radish sighed.
“Can’t win ‘em all, Rad,” said Spats, pulling in the pot.
A valet entered the room with a familiar pink box. “Lieutenant Root? A citizen has left a package for you.”
“A citizen?”
“They left an explanatory note.”
Radish took the package. He read the note:
Dear Guard from the Train,
Thank you for keeping everypony on the train calm during the crisis. This looked way too important for me to keep, so I wanted to return it to you. You deserve a nice cake.
Sincerely,
Sugarberry
Radish opened the box. The cake was still inside, untouched. Even the lettering was intact.
“Okay,” he said. “It may be a stupid mission, but at least I can complete it.”
“You’re going now?” asked Boleadora.
“I can’t delay a mission without good reason, now can I? And this is time-sensitive.”
“How so?” she asked.
“Well, how long do cakes last before they get stale?” asked Radish.
“I don’t know, mine was a pie family,” said Bunker Buster.
“You’re in the Pie family?” Spats asked.
“No. Sweet Celestia, no.”
Fully armored, armed, and carrying a cake, Radish stepped boldly into the streets of Uptown Canterlot.
He walked past massive estates and upscale boutiques, getting disapproving looks from a number of well-dressed ponies. With some searching, he found the building at the address on the receipt. It was a tall, thin, pink tower, surrounded by a high golden fence.
He approached the front gate. A muscular unicorn mare in ornate rose gold armor stood behind it, eyeing Radish suspiciously and gripping a trident in her hoof.
“Hello. I have a delivery.”
“Sure you do.”
She stared at Radish dully, saying nothing else. Radish frowned.
“Sorry, I don’t think you heard me,” he said. “I said, I have a delivery. It’s a cake.”
“Sorry, I don’t think you understood me. We’re not accepting packages from randos off the street. Trot along.”
“I am a lieutenant in the Royal Guard-”
“Because Princess Celestia’s Royal Guard is well-known for delivering baked goods, aren’t they? But even a changeling would know the old ‘delivering a cake’ routine. And we’ve had enough surprises from bugs to last a lifetime.”
“Look here. This cake survived a train wreck and a mad mage’s dictatorship. It’s come a long way to get here. You are going to take it, sign for it with a smile, and then thank me for coming out this way.”
She blew a thin whistle. Radish held his ears in pain as four more female guards brandishing weighted nets, tridents, and tall shields rushed to her side.
“Cardiac Squad, this pony refuses to leave the premises. Please turn him away in a manner that will keep him away.”
The gate slid open. The guards surrounded Radish. He put the cake down on the ground and bent low, growling and digging in his hooves.
“You really want to do this over a cake?” he hissed.
“Do you?” she asked.
“I’m going to get this damn thing inside, and you five are going to step aside.”
“Sounds like a threat to me. Cardiac Squad! Attend!”
A guard threw a net at Radish. He snatched it out of the air in his teeth and swung it in circles over his head, whizzing its weights through the air. The squad backed off, and Radish threw the net back over its owner. Another lunged Radish with her trident, and Radish twisted his torso to catch the barbs on his armor’s plates, then twisted again to flip the trident from her hooves. He caught it mid-air, then slammed its business end into the pavement, pinning another assailant’s tail into the ground as she charged past him with her shield.
Another guard seized Radish’s neck from behind. He rolled forward, throwing her into the guard whose trident he took. A magical aura spread over Radish, dangling him in the air. The squad leader, horn aglow, approached Radish with her trident floating above her, aiming it at Radish’s neck.
“Remember, you wanted this,” she said, and pressed it forward.
Radish slipped his hoof out of his boot, which still levitated in the aura. He snatched his spear off his back, jammed the spearhead between plates of his other boot, and engaged the spring mechanism to extend the spear to its full length. The spear sprang out from Radish’s boot, and its blunt butt end smacked the leader in the face. Her aura fizzled out and dropped Radish, who seized her in a headlock. She grit her teeth and squeezed her aura around Radish’s neck. The two raced to throttle each other.
The building’s tall double doors swung open. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza strolled out. She saw two of her best guards lying in a heap, another struggling to pull off a net, one trying to unpin her tail from the ground, and their leader in a life-and-death struggle with one of her aunts’ guards. She then noticed the cake box on the ground in between them all, undisturbed. She lifted it in her aura, opened it to check its contents, and smiled.
“Chief Petty Officer Crosspatch,” she said, curiously, “what are you doing?”
“Subduing this gatecrasher, your highness,” she wheezed, giving up some breath to answer her princess.
“Lieutenant Root, what are you doing?”
“Delivering a cake, your highness,” he said, with the proudest determination he ever mustered in his life.
The princess sighed. “Please release each other.”
Crosspatch obeyed, dropping her aura. Radish let go of her neck. The two breathed hard.
“Now, let me guess,” said the princess. “You, Crosspatch, got testy with a delivery pony instead of telling him about the new security protocols?”
“He was hostile, ma’am,” she said. “With an implausible story. Likely changeling.”
“And you, Lieutenant Root, you got your hackles up rather than explain yourself rationally?”
“Chief Petty here wasn’t listening to reason.”
The two guards glowered at each other.
“I see,” said the princess. “Both of you come inside. Cardiac Squad… as you were.”
They followed her inside the building. She passed the cake to a maid.
“Linden Lime, would you prepare the table and set this out? But don’t cut into it yet.”
“Yes, princess.”
She took the two into a sitting room and pointed to a frilly pink loveseat.
“Now, I want both of you to sit there and hold hooves.”
“Ma’am?” asked Crosspatch.
“Princess?” asked Radish.
“Whenever you’re ready,” said the princess with a smile.
“He hasn’t passed a changeling check, your highness!” her guard protested.
“Oh, very well. Lieutenant, where did you first meet Twilight?”
“Outside Shining Armor’s office. She told you about that?”
“Yes. Now, sit. Hold hooves.”
Radish and Crosspatch begrudgingly sat on the love seat. They placed their hooves into one another’s. They grimaced at each other.
“Now, stay like that until I return.”
“Ma’am-” started Crosspatch.
The princess left. Chief Petty Officer Crosspatch looked at Radish.
“Nice going, lieutenant.”
“This is your fault.”
“You’re lucky we didn’t kill you.”
“I subdued all five of you in seconds.”
“You scored a few sucker punches because we were holding back, that’s all. The princess saved your life.”
“You should have just taken the cake.”
“What kind of lieutenant delivers a cake?”
“One your princess knows by name.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard the name ‘Root’ around here. You’re the guy who got knocked out by changelings, aren’t you? The only casualty of the entire battle.”
“Yeah? Where were you when their queen nabbed your princess?”
“That happened in your palace. Believe me, an investigation is coming.”
“Will the investigation uncover why you didn’t notice your princess had been replaced by an impostor?”
“We barely spent any time with the impostor. She had us out patrolling the streets of Canterlot.”
“And that didn’t rouse your suspicion?”
“No, because the real Princess Cadance does things like that all the time. She’s a princess of the people. She always puts the safety of everypony else before her.”
“And look where that got her.”
“I have protested her security priorities time and again. She does not listen to me. If I could shut her in a safe room all day, I would.”
“Let me guess, her bedroom has big balcony doors and wide, weak windows?”
“Every blasted building in this town does. It’s just inviting trouble.”
“Don’t I know it,” sighed Radish. “If Luna hadn’t been weakened, I never would have been able to convince her to sleep in her cellar.”
“It’s like they don’t care that they’re the most important ponies alive,” Crosspatch grumbled. “They just leave themselves wide open to attack.”
“Yet we’re the ones who get blamed when the attack comes.”
“Did you see her just stroll out during our fight? Madness.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” said Radish. “That cake was in unknown hooves all day. I bet she hasn’t even thought of checking it for… poison…”
The two guards stared at each other. They leapt off the loveseat and galloped down the hall.
“PRINCESS!” they howled together. They burst into the dining room, to see the cake on a sterling stand and Princess Cadenza holding up a knife and server in her aura.
“NO!” they cried. Crosspatch leapt to tackle her princess while Radish bounded to belly flop onto the cake.
Princess Cadenza froze them both mid-air in her aura. She raised an eyebrow.
“I thought I told you to hold hooves until I returned.”
They both sputtered panicked overlapping warnings about the cake.
“Ma’am! Could be poisoned!”
“ -broken chain of custody!”
“Let me taste for you!”
“Trixie could have-!”
“Oh?” the princess said. “You two think there’s something wrong with this cake?”
She dug a fork into one side, and lifted a morsel to her lips. Radish and Crosspatch flailed and pleaded. Cadenza smiled.
“It sounds like you two have found common ground,” she said, lightheartedly, putting the fork down.
“Yes, ma’am,” they said simultaneously.
“You both just want what’s best for your princesses.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Are you ever going to start a jurisdictional slap-fight on my doorstep again?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Good.”
She placed them on the carpet. “I scanned the cake already. It’s fine. A little dry, but that’s on Trixie.”
The two guards sighed with relief.
“Chief Petty Officer Crosspatch, please resume your guard duty.”
“Aye, ma’am.” She saluted and left.
“Lieutenant Root, come join me at the table.”
Radish climbed into a tall plush chair. Cadenza sat down opposite him, with the cake between them.
“Radish, Twilight and my aunts speak highly of you. So you can imagine my surprise to find you in a brouhaha with my guards on the street.”
“Please forgive me, ma’am.”
“You had a bad day, didn’t you?”
“Trixie took over Ponyville. I was nearly crushed, I lost my tail, and Twilight could have been killed.”
“But that’s not what’s bothering you. I can feel pain in a pony’s heart. Your pains are like a pile of branches, where pulling up one drags up others entwining it.”
“You scanned my private feelings?”
“It’s passive. I only feel what you put out. Please, talk to me, Radish. No judgment, and nothing will leave this room.”
“Really?”
“I swear on my crown.”
“It started before the train. With your husband.”
“Oh? With Shiny?”
“He took away my squad and promoted them over me. He’s having me undo all my security additions to Luna’s tower. And last but not least, he had me deliver a cake.”
“You didn’t want to?”
“I’m a lieutenant of the Royal Guard. I was trained to, and I’ve pledged my life to, protecting the most important ponies in the world. Not pastry.”
“Radish, this mission was my idea. I just thought you’d like to get out of the castle for a bit, socialize with Pinkie Pie, and then have a nice relaxing ride on the Friendship Express.”
“As an errand boy? As the go-between for you and Shining?”
“Radish, did you think I ordered the cake for Shiny?”
“…yes?”
“But you see the message on it.”
“For my hero? Who else would…”
He stared into her eyes. She smiled warmly.
“Me?”
“Of course!”
“I’m your hero?”
“You saved Auntie Luna during the invasion. You helped us reach the ceremony in time to save Shiny. And you foiled a kidnapping plot against me!” She bowed her head. “Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.”
Radish looked aside. “Oh. It was nothing. I was just doing my duty, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.”
“Just ‘Cadance’, please.”
“All right.”
“I’ve been meaning to speak with you since the wedding. I’m sorry if I seemed caught off-guard by your cutie mark. When Shining asked me to meet with a guard with a cutie mark problem, I thought he meant you were markless.”
“An adult blank flank? Those exist?”
“It’s rare, but it happens. Part of my job is to help ponies with unique social problems like that.”
“Princess Cadance, do you have any idea what my cutie marks could mean?”
"Are you sure they're not abstract? Could they represent, say, a desire to make others happy?"
"Pinkie Pie's talent is making others happy. She got balloons."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't presume to have insight about something you've probably spent your whole life wondering about."
“Do you think I’m… supposed to have sex with Celestia?”
Cadance shook her head. “Cutie marks are supposed to reflect what makes you special. They’re not supposed to make demands of their ponies.”
“But why sex? I got these as a kid! And why Celestia?”
"I've got an idea. Would you let me feel into your heart?"
"What would that do?"
"Every heart tells its own story. Maybe your heart has something to say about Celestia."
"I don't really get it, but go ahead."
She closed her eyes and lit up her horn. Radish's body glowed with a pink hue. He felt his body tingle. The princess frowned.
"Oh, hold still- I need to get this."
Suddenly, a black squirming wisp wormed its way out of Radish's chest. Cadenza held it above the table in her aura.
"What on earth is that?" asked Radish.
"A shard of that heart-stopping curse Twilight hit you with. It was stuck in your left ventricle. Another twenty years or so with this thing in your heart, and it would have corrupted your entire being."
"Sheesh. Thank you."
She let go of it, and it dissipated into nothingness. "Okay, back into your heart."
She concentrated again. After a few moments, she smiled and cut off the spell.
"I'm sorry, Radish. I couldn't find any leads about your cutie marks. But I did pick up your feelings for your girlfriend. They're very warm."
“Her name is Light,” Radish said, smiling. “I see her on my days off.”
“That’s wonderful! Let me offer my services in that regard. If you need any relationship advice, insights on mares, ideas for dates and so forth, I’d be happy to help you out.”
“Oh? Thanks.”
She bent low and spoke softly. “If you need any questions answered about the more intimate aspects of dating, don’t be afraid to ask. I will be discreet and understanding, no matter what.”
“You promise?”
“I swear.”
“You won’t even tell Shining Armor? Or Twilight? Or Celestia?”
“Of course not.”
Radish looked around the room, then hunched low to her. “Well, we are having this one problem. It’s really embarrassing. I wasn’t sure who I could turn to.”
She bent in closer. “I’ll help if I can.”
“See, sometimes she complains that my, uh… stallionhood…”
She nodded understandingly. “Yes?”
“…is too much for her to, well, accommodate. But it’s not like I can make it smaller.”
The princess leaned back. “I, uh, see. That… is a problem…”
“How do you and Shining Armor deal with it?”
“Oh, his isn’t that…”
Radish raised an eyebrow and held in a smile. The princess gasped.
“You’re messing with me!” she laughed.
“Sorry, ma’am. Like I said, it’s been a long day.”
“Okay, you’ve had your fun. But my offer is serious. Any help you need, just write.”
"Thanks. I might take you up on that someday."
“Now let’s have some cake.”
The princess sliced and served the cake. Radish took a bite. His eyes bugged out.
“It’s really good.”
“That’s why I ordered from Sugarcube Corner. Nothing compares.”
“Thank you for doing this for me. I appreciate it.”
“No problem. You’re the only one of Twilight’s friends I haven’t met.”
Radish sighed. “You met the others at the wedding, huh? After the battle?”
“Yes?”
“I wasn’t around to meet because I got knocked unconscious. I was the only guard who did.”
“That bothers you.”
“Every write-up of the battle will mention that I'm the reason it wasn't a perfect victory. I'm an asterisk in military history now. School children will be quizzed on why the name 'Radish Root' became synonymous with the weakest link.”
“Radish, the changelings went after you so hard because they could feel powerful love in you. I could feel it, too. I still can.”
“Really?”
“You have a lot of love for Celestia and Luna.”
“You’re not going to tell them, are you?”
“They know.”
“But if their enemies are attracted -nourished- by my love for them, I’m putting them in danger by being their guard.”
“Don’t say that. Love is a strength, not a weakness. It won the battle in the end.”
“Hmm.”
They finished their slices of cake. Radish put his napkin aside.
“Thank you for the cake, your highness. I feel a lot better now.”
“You should take the rest for your fellow guards.”
“Actually, could you share it with Chief Petty Officer Crosspatch and the rest of your Cardiac Squad?”
“That’s nice. They’ll appreciate it.”
Radish hopped off his chair and saluted. Cadenza returned it.
“I’m glad I got to meet you before we moved away,” she said.
“Oh, that’s right. You two are going to rule the Crystal Empire.”
“Not rule, serve. The crystal ponies think I have some connection to their lost royal family.”
“Really?”
“But even if I don’t, I’ll do everything I can to help them.”
“Good luck, princess. Be well.”
“Thank you. I can leave in good spirits, knowing that my aunts and sister-in-law are in good hooves,” she said, winking at Radish. “I saw how easily you beat my Cardiac Squad. You know, Shiny said you were a good fighter.”
“Really?”
“Among other things.”
Radish pinned the receipt from the cake on his bunk wall, next to his deed to the Sea of Omens. He smiled.
Friend to Celestia, Champion to Luna, and now Hero to Cadance. If only Ma could see me now.
i do wonder what will happen when he eventualy crosses paths with starlight
Shining continues to indulge in some sort of anti-nepotism, one last kick before wandering off to the Empire? He could have at least given Root a commendation, if not an actual storms-curst promotion.
"Thanks for putting your life on the line and ensuring the safety of the Lunar Princess, here's a cake and a near-death experience. Now go undo all of your carefully considered safety measures, and surrender your new squad while you're at it."
Git, at least the butter-bar is out of the local chain of command now.
"Oh wow there is so much nightshade in this, good thing I didn't let the prinnnnn...."
wait... so I been waiting for Radish to go to the Crystal Empire to might face Sombra for to be let down???
Edit: looking back I had to be sure if I missed an arc... It feels like I missed a neat story arc for the Crystal Empire before Spike saves it...
Man, life and Shining keep taking a dump on Radish, huh?
11405730
Well, Radish did get a medal for his actions after he woke up in the hospital. As for his squad, it's not so much "promotion" as it is "relocation". He's probably considered more valuable being stationed in Canterlot, given his previous missions. Not to mention, being on a first-name basis with all three Princesses and the EoH potentially paints a target on his back, so it's better if he stays somewhere secure.
As for the cake mission, well, Cadance says that the whole thing was her idea to get him out of the Castle for a bit as well as give him an excuse to meet her. It's not like she took into account Trixie being...Trixie, and his slight self-loathing problems.
11405811
They're literally becoming an honor guard. That's prestigious.
11405813
Perhaps. Still, it could always just be that they consider him more valuable in Canterlot. He's proved that much anyways.
Also, he's not meant for the spotlight, so he's not gonna become a General or something.
Yeah shining a real dick in this story glad radish uses every chance to troll him
11405730
the worst part is that these safety measures were made with the princess' direct permission, and a mere captain thinks he can just order them removed for posterity's sake? pffff, shining is being a jackass here and blatantly abusing his power
I know that this is one of those parallel stories, but I would REALLY like to see Radish have an actual impact on the main storyline. In this continuity he is a close friend to several key figures in MLP, but as it stands, his presence will have exactly zero impact in any of the formative moments of their lives.
11405811
Yeah that's what Candace wanted it to be, and I'm sure that's how she phrased it to Shining, but the git termed it like this.
As brusque as possible, after giving him a laundry list of other hurry-hurry orders that would be pushed back by the fetch mission. Basically, "I don't like you, have more scut work." Because everyone loves being labor-shared hours away to another work site just to do one pointless thing before commuting all the way back again, right?
11405850
Impact could be in providing the patch to mane6 that in series looks like given. Like in some action movie main focus on protagonist in gunfire in mad road chase. Whyle the fact that his car is being driven by someone is neglected.
11405738
btw I didn’t read the rest of the chapter... it just feels... wrong to...
Awesome
Did he ask her that? Or just took word of others without question?
Bruh why cant people be decent. Shining really has a hard on for him huh
11405900
Because shining is about as useful as a wet sheet of one ply, has an impossible need to maintain the reputation of the guard and sees Root as a persistent black mark despite root being one of the strongest and most effective guards in history, and has little to no personality beyond those two things.
I'm honestly happy Shining will be gone. Some believe that he's mellowed out, but he still takes any opportunity to put Radish down and mess with him.
11405829
No, he's not, but it's a general issue of this story. The author wants to follow show canon to the letter—which is totally fair. But he's often done it in a way that makes it so everything Radish does is largely pointless.
And that's just disheartening, you know?
11405973
What he does isn't "pointless". From the way this story's going, he seems to be handling the more subtle threats to Equestria, like with the nobles turning against Celestia, Halcyon, and the plot to kidnap Cadance. Problems too small for the Mane 6 to care about, yet too big for any other Royal Guard to handle.
Sure, he'll never be the grand hero, but he can still do plenty of good, even if it goes unsung.
I feel like there's some sort of hate boner for Shining in the comments here, though I might be misinterpreting. I think it's just fun to read, Shining and all.
11405973
I mean, I feel like that's a philosophical point that everyone in the real world needs to face: not everyone can be a metaphorical main character, and a lot of people don't get to have huge, world-shaking effects. Just because we know how the story goes overall (because canon-compliant, and canon is largely driven by the actions of the Mane 6) doesn't make Root's actions pointless, unless it's your opinion that 99.9% of 99% of people's lives are 'pointless'. Which, I mean, you're probably right in a cosmic sense, but that's a really depressing belief to choose to live by.
(And that's assuming we consider Root's actions to actually be pointless, which in this story's canon I definitely don't agree with, given the Halcyon plot, etc. Sure, he's not vanquishing Chrysalis, but why would anyone expect him to?)
11405992
Sure he handles issues that the M6 aren’t even aware about. But I would had thought Shining Armor would have brought him to the Crystal Empire to help him out in areas that the M6 won’t be at. Maybe the author could bring in the comic if he wanted to do that redemption story of Sombra.
Wait did his mom passed away?
Great chapter and maybe the funniest yet, really gave me quite a few good laughs.
I am gonna miss Shining and Root trading punches.
Oh my god. I’m an idiot. I just got what was going on this chapter and I had to come back and comment cause I can’t stop laughing because it just fits so much and Radish doesn’t see it for what it is either.
Shining is jealous. and it has him acting really insecure. His wife is literally calling another stallion the hero of their wedding, and that has him pointing out the others getting promoted, and it may well have cost Radish a promotion because theres no telling if Shining was going to take Radish with his squad up north as Cadance’s personal guard before Cadance had him give Radish the cake delivery mission. Between Radish’s history with Celestia and Luna, I can’t really blame Shining for that, though. Is it petty? Yes, but if it did cost him a promotion, it also let him stay in Canterlot where Light/the princesses are, so… in that sense its a good thing and Im able to chuckle at the big bad guard Captain thinking he has any reason to be worried about Cadance—the literal princess of love—being swayed to love some other stallion more. He’s probably gonna throw an apocalyptic fit and storm down from the Empire as soon as Twilight ascends too.
11405973
See above on the brilliance of Shining being a dick this chapter. The fact is what Radish has done isn’t pointless. Its been said in story that a lot of ponies in the Castle expect him to end up with Celestia. Shining probably perceives hims as a full on equal worthy of being captain some day to be feeling so insecure and jealous as to act out this poorly this chapter. His actions are smaller than the main 6, but they are still making waves. Heck, we saw Celestia being just a wee bit melancholic and sad with Philimena the other chapter. Its still up in the air on whether or not Radish will actually end up with Celestia, and that would be huge in how it would break canon.
Now, if the author follows canon so religously as to take the story all the way to season 9? Then I will agree that’s going too far, but that’s more because the shows cohesion as a whole starts to really break down the further he goes. Seasons 8 and 9 especially did really weird stuff like give Twilight and her friends even more jobs on top of their daily lives, being the elements, and being a princess/advisors to the princess. Realistically, the author needs to think about a point to completely split, because his story won’t benefit from certain seasons in the slightest. Randomly tossing in the pillars or the school from season eight gives him nothing if Radish doesn’t get involved, but if Radish does get involved, then it risks entering fix fic territories, and like… really his best option is to probably use Twilight’s Ascension, Tirek, or Glimmer as a way to branch into an AU if he gets that far.
For now, though? For now the story working in parallel is working in his favor, and it will probably continue to do so at least until Twilight becomes an alicorn.
11406290
He might have planned to take Radish with his squad originally, but then Cadance had the audacity to give Radish a cake calling him the hero of Shining and her's wedding. Like... think about the implications of her doing that to Radish with his cutie mark and his history with her Aunts. All that stuff at the beginning of the chapter was Shining being insecure and jealous, and I don't blame him. The brilliant part is Radish doesn't get that's what it is. Shining likely has to think Radish is captain material if he actually managed to get that insecure, and it's kinda amazing how the author doesn't say that part aloud. It's a super subtle example of showing and not telling.
Aww, that was sweet =)
11406748
Meh, I'd say the show cohesion around Mane 6 still makes sence if we consider that the episodes become more apart than weekly. Seasons 1-3 are very clearly adventures that happen every other week for the most part while the later seasons with the school appear to be further apart. Also we don't see the Mane 6 questing for the map in every single episode which greatly implies it's an occassional afterhours job. So we get their school job and their ussual occupation as their everyday thing. Then add to that they gone more stable over the years and I can see it working.
-Twilight spends most of the time teaching and organising the school which would lay off some responsibility off the others.
-Rarity's boutiques would be run by Coco and other hired tailors while Rares just does the top line and exec work.
-Applejack was running off to adventures so much, I could see Big Mac able to figure to run the farm on his own for the most part.
-Fluttershy, her I could see taking care of the most lessons scince her animal sanctuary gig seems largely running itself outside of maintience.
-Rainbow Dash is fast and intrestingly enough a wonderbolt flier would need less time than a weather pony if her commute times are small.
-Pinkie refuses to make sence. She never had.
11408091
I would find it much less likely that the map is an occassional after hours job and much more likely that the logistics of twenty six episodes per season means we simply don't see all the friendship problems they solve. If it's *not* like that it creates it's own consistency issue then because they literally got the map and castle from the Tree of Harmony itself. The idea that the map isn't sending them out more than we see in the show implies they were given it for nothing in universe. And it's still a triple life even if the others can find excuses to briefly take off for the school, plus Twilight is really the only one of the 6 who makes sense as a teacher given the goals and aspirations of the 6. Rainbow Dash needs to stay fit and practice for Wonderbolts, she may be in them, but if she doesn't maintain her form she probably can't stay in them, and she has to be ready to be called on for shows, races, and military duty. Rarity both wants to design dresses and expand, which means on top of her original work she's likely dealing with the books and numbers for her new businesses. She's always been business savvy and detail oriented about the things she's passionate about. She isn't Twilight levels of obsessive, but she is going to be double checking the other stores as well as running her own. The literal third episode of the series was about Applejack and Big Mac not being able to handle the farm all on their own, so Applejack going off on adventures is one thing since she can double time it on getting back. A second day job working for a school? Completely different. Fluttershy isn't a people pony and that has never changed even with her getting more assertive. She has no good motivation other than Twilight going 'Let's do this!' and so like...
It really doesn't make sense, and don't get me started on season 9. The fact that sombra was able to sneeze and shatter the tree of harmony makes no sense, and it was all written like that to teach Twilight a lesson she literally learned in the Pilot. She literally smirks at Nightmare Moon and says 'You think you can destroy the elements just like that!' And granted, she did have to relearn that lesson with the plunder vines and Tirek, but it's not somethine she needed to relearn season 9 and defeating the league of villains should not have magically solved all the doubts she had about Celestia retiring. Twilight has been eating big bad evil guys for breakfast for years. She's wasn't neverous about that. She was nervous about actually freaking ruling a nation like Celestia did.
A lot of the later writing decisions just didn't care about the growth the characters already went through, and that really shows in how the cohession steadily declined. Did the show still have its moments? Yes. That's why I kepts watching for the most part. But it was many individual moments, not a good cohesive whole like you get with the first three seasons leading up to Twilight's ascension.
11408287
Yes. As an Australian, "Root" also has a relevant slang meaning!
Side note, but given Light's ability to manipulate light, has anypony been making predictions on her potentially being related to Celestia in some way? There's a lot of conspiracy theories about changelings, but who said it needs to be that if there is a conspiracy afoot? A great, great granddaughter of some kind, or perhaps a golem that Princess Celestia lives vicariously through? It couldn't be the princess herself. Light is just too well known from what we've seen, but... Halycon had power over daydreams from being infused with the sun. It might well be possible that Celestia has similar abilities. That she can... live other simpler lives by making literal daydreams of them?
God I know he's TECHNICALLY an officer but radish really deserves some fucking promotions
I think I know Root's talent.
He's good at screwing around.
11412745
The corporal and sergeant are getting promoted to captain and 2nd over his lieutenant. Doesn’t add up.
11471685
That’s actually explained all the way in Chapter 5 -- the rank order is different. To wit:
So in the Royal Guard, “lieutenant” is, for better or worse, basically the rank given to common enlisted soldiers. Which also fits how Radish has been depicted all this time, doing his own grunt work and following orders without getting to in turn command subordinates of his own (save for his temporary emergency squad that Shining is now taking with him).
okay, casually passing over how he had the magical equivalent of cancer sitting in him this entire time, cool
11450604
Given his talents with security and defenses I think his real talent might be finding holes
You did this to yourself, shinyboi.
Great chapter!