60. The Community
Radish Root sipped a pour-over at the counter of Bold Roast’s Blooming Grounds. Bold Roast was noisily clearing dishes from the tables behind him, but Radish could feel his eyes on him.
“Bold Roast,” sighed Radish, “you’re staring.”
“I’m not staring,” said Bold Roast, staring at Radish’s cutie mark. “I’m analyzing. If you had come to me with your mark years ago, I could’ve helped you figure it out.”
“Yeah? What’s your brilliant insight?”
“Has it occurred to you that the penetration is ambiguous?”
Radish looked back at his cutie mark. “She sure seems penetrated to me.”
“I mean, you can’t tell what you’re penetrating.”
Radish sighed. “You think they’re doing...”
“Anal! Yes!”
“So that would make my special talent…?”
“Anal. You’re destined for a lifetime of fantastic anal.”
A pony from a nearby table looked up from his magazine.
“Giving it, not getting it,” Bold Roast told him.
The pony returned to his magazine.
“Yeah?” said Radish. “And I realized that in my sleep as a boy?”
“Must have. Maybe you saw dad’s dirty magazines and thought, ‘yeah, that’s my destiny’.”
Bold Roast returned to behind the counter and rummaged through the shelves. Radish looked at the expression on the small Celestia’s face.
“What, you think Celestia would make that face if someone did… that?” he asked.
“I bet she would. I bet she really needs it, too. Surrounded by big strong guards all day, not getting any from them.”
“Hey, come on. That’s my boss. And your princess. Besides, I thought mares didn’t like that.”
“Try asking Light sometime,” said Bold Roast with a half-smirk. “You may be surprised what she likes.”
“Bold Roast, don’t be crass.”
“This is Midtown, Radish. Everypony knows what everypony else is doing in bed. That’s what being part of a close-knit community is all about.”
“Maybe I should start getting lunch downtown.”
“Downtown is all tourists, Radish. I’m sure you get enough of them in the palace. Besides, you can’t get something like this downtown. Here, try it. I’m thinking of adding it to the menu.”
He placed a mug of something dark and steaming in front of Radish. Radish sniffed it. It had a sour smell.
“Don’t sniff at it. What are you, a dog?”
“What is it?” asked Radish.
“You tell me. Give it a taste.”
“No, you tell me. I’m not drinking your mystery fluid.”
The pony with the magazine looked up again.
“What, they don’t have you taste-test Celestia’s food and drink for poison?” Bold Roast asked.
“I’m pretty sure Celestia is immune to poison.”
“What? No way.”
“She eats nightshade for breakfast.”
“Damn. She’s harder than she lets on. And the palace is more interesting than I thought. Nice to get someone with a cool job in here for a change.”
“What? You get playwrights in here.”
“Yeah, everyone’s a playwright in Midtown.”
Radish sipped the mug. “It’s like… both beer and coffee at the same time?”
“And…?”
“Something fruity. Wine?”
“Yep! Dark beer, light beer, wine, and coffee! I call it a ‘Black and Tan with Tannins, Black’.”
“Bold Roast, is this a real drink, or were you just using up some leftovers?”
“That’s how culinary innovation works, Radish. You think bread was invented on purpose? Nah, someone just threw stuff together and set it at three-fifty.”
“Well, I can’t take any more of this. You could add it to the menu as a dare, though.”
He pushed the mug back and hopped off the stool.
“Take care, Radish.”
“See you.”
Radish walked up to the coat rack as Hazy Shade walked in, accompanied by a stout gray earth stallion.
“Oh, hi, Radish!” she said.
“Hi, Hazy.”
“Oh, you’re Fanny’s new boyfriend, huh?” asked the earth stallion. “Boy, you could do a lot better than her!”
Radish scowled at him. “What’s that mean?”
“Well, for example, just yesterday she insisted that Max Mustang had to be Ironcolt’s father, even though they’re clearly from different timelines.”
“What?”
“It’s superhero stuff,” explained Hazy Shade. “Splash Page here owns the comic book store across the street from Light’s shop. They’re always arguing about timelines and secret identities and what-have-you.”
“You a comic book fan?” Splash Page asked Radish.
“I’ve never lived near a comic book store.”
“Well, stop by sometime! I can set you up with a subscription. We can deliver right to the castle. I’ll even give you the friends’ discount, because Fanny would yell at me if I didn’t.”
“You call her ‘Fanny’? You know that word means-”
“Yeah. She loves it.”
“Okay.” Radish put his jacket back on.
“Hey, Radish?” said Hazy Shade. “If I had known you and Light would be a good match, I’d have set you up with her the first time we met. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I needed that time to get to the right place in my head.”
“All right. Good. Take care.”
Radish left the cafe and trotted down the streets of Midtown Canterlot. Some of the denizens on the street smiled and waved to him as he passed. He smiled and waved back.
Part of a community, huh? I never thought I’d see the day.
Light Fantastic watched her friend Underglaze as he worked on his newest ceramic creation in his studio workshop. The two had known each other for six years, dated each other for one of those years, hated each other for the next of those years, and had respected each other’s talent throughout all six.
His latest obsession was cubes. He was currently forming a clay cube with furrows on one side, large loops on another side, and overlapping eyes on another.
“So, Light…” started Underglaze, shaping the clay.
“Yeah?”
“About your new beau.”
“Yeah?”
“Is it… really like that?” he asked, looking up with a smile.
“Is what like what?”
“Is he as much fun as his fur advertises?”
“Underglaze, are you asking me if Radish fucks me like he fucks Celestia on his cutie marks?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not telling.”
“Sounds like he doesn’t.”
“Oh, shut up. He actually likes the gentle stuff. And so do I.”
“Hmm, a division of labor. I see,” Underglaze said, working on the finer details of a side.
“What are you blathering about?”
“You know that old saying. You make love to your girlfriend… you fuck your princess.”
“Radish doesn’t get anything from Celestia but a paycheck.”
“Oh, imagine how frustrating that is for him. Being so near her and yet so far. And yet he doesn’t work that frustration out through you? He never has you put on a Celestia wig to go at it? That energy is going somewhere, Fanny.”
“Radish has been through a lot because of those marks. He doesn’t need your pop psychology. And for once, a relationship is going well for me. So stuff it.”
“I’m happy for you! Radish is the most interesting thing to come to Midtown since Pigcasso. It’s no wonder you wanted to snatch him up- you two are the talk of the town!”
Light Fantastic bristled. She hovered menacingly over Underglaze. He shielded his clay from her downwash.
“Watch it!” he said. “You’re drying it out!”
“He is not some freak show I’m dating as a conversation piece!”
“Well, if it’s not for the sex, and it’s not for the fame, why else would you be dating a guard?”
“Maybe because I…”
“Yes? You…?”
“I like him!”
“Well, that’s sweet.”
“You know what?” she said, landing. “You’re just being an ass because for once, I’m dating and you’re not. You can’t stand that I’ll be with someone for Hearts and Hooves this year.”
“Oh please, Hearts and Hooves is for, well… guards and their girlfriends, for one. Is he going to take you to the malt shop after a sock hop and introduce you as his ‘steady gal’?”
“You know, Underglaze, maybe I will get a Celestia wig. I’m gonna have him plowing me like his marks on Hearts and Hooves, while you’re sitting at home playing solitaire drinking cheap chianti.”
“Like I’d buy an expensive chianti.”
A tall green unicorn shoved open the door and stomped into the workshop.
“Look at this,” he said, holding up a newspaper. “The palace just issued these new changeling-checking guidelines! The crowns are going to whip this city into a paranoid frenzy just to look like they’re doing something.”
“Well, you should talk to Fanny about that,” said Underglaze. “Her boyfriend’s a palace insider, after all.”
“What’s this now?” the unicorn asked.
“Haven’t you heard? She’s dating a Celestibot.”
The unicorn scoffed. Light scowled.
“Don’t call him that,” she warned. “He’s not some goose-stepping meathead.”
“Actually,” said Underglaze, “she’s dating the ultimate Celestibot. Radish Root.”
“The naughty mark guy? Oh, Light,” sighed the unicorn. “The things you’ll do for attention.”
“You guys are assholes,” said Light. She stood up and walked to the door. She looked back. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I'm going to the wig shop.”
She left. Underglaze paused, then went back to working on his cube.
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Both light, underglaze and this unicorn are all changeling I bet
Aww this is nice. I really enjoy how we see how his marks aren't really a problem for him but are making a unique issue for the mare he loves
Please, please, please write a scene where she does wear the wig infront of Radish.
Oh no, it seemed like such smooth sailing there for a while. Looks like there may be some dark clouds on the horizon after all.
You know, I'm not sure if Radish has considered it yet, but the fact that Splash's nickname for Light Fantastic is "Fanny" puts Bold Roast's anal theory into a whole new perspective.
So here comes the trouble, except it's not from Light Fantastic herself. It's unfortunate, really; while Radish is settling into a niche, poor Light seems to currently be surrounded by some slightly toxic sentiments.
(Granted, they seem a little alarmingly like parodies of the real world political left... the only reason they seem silly in this very specific context is because in Equestria, the main seat of power really does have the people's best interests at heart; this kind of thing only exists in fiction.)
I don't know how your do it, but even the guy reading the magazine is interesting.
11399785
Meh. Somepony is just talking out of their ass.
Ok… I don’t think I trust her and her two friends. why go to a wig shop? Did she lose her hair or is she hiding something
Poor Celestia… around probably best guys a mare can ask for but can’t be able to get a guy for herself
Something about that green pony coming in complaining about the security change for the castle is very Sus
11399855
She's getting a Celestia wig for naughty times. She insinuates such.
Man you're building up this other horseshoe something fierce, gonna be a small earthquake when it drops at this rate.
Light continues to be Fantastic, I'm really hoping she gets to stay on as a main character and doesn't end up some flavor of collateral damage.
Initially, I was suspicious of Light and thought that she would make Radish eat dirt in an instant, and he would be back to being lonely yet dutiful. Now I'm praying that the bomb that everyone thinks will drop doesn't drop because holy shit he's had such a glow-up since Light appeared.
11399764
for the drama I hope they are
for radish's sake I hope they aren't
Light, your friends are jerks. You need to find better friends.
11399855
For roleplaying of course.
I guess we can discard the possibility of Light being secretly Celestia if she's already ingrained in a community.
After all these good chapters of Radish finally finding peace with himself... and finding a decent girl... it will be very upsetting if Light were indeed a changeling playing the long game.
Poor Radish.
At least let him and Light have fun with that wig first
Call me crazy but I reckon Radish isn't gonna appreciate the Celestia wig that much
11399855
Man, 5 dislikes I wonder why?
god damn it... 10 bits says they ruin each others Hearts and Hooves by listening to all of that.
Celestia is going to accidentaly see Radish with Light dressed in Celestia wig, isn't she?
11400543
Some people are too sensitive and eager to show that they are don't agree with someone by downvoting but too shy to actually answer instead and defend their own position. I, for one, never downvote anything - out of principle.
Replying 3 people into one comment. FimFiction mobile not having fun with me
11400758
I understand there are people who are very sensitive about replying towards the person they show either dislike or disagree with since this is the internet and you don’t know who it is on the other end. I’ve meet a few who are like that and one main reason is that they are scared getting into long conversations that can get heated.
My comment wasn’t that bad at all. Like I only speculated about Light, her two co-workers, and leaving a comment about feeling sad for Celestia. I’ve seen few users feeling suspicious about Light which is good speculation for the author since he has been writing the story in that way for long while. I do wish I could get the reasoning why but I guess they just don’t like me speculating.
I did get two replies which one was for role playing idea, that makes sense if she hangs out at the comicbook store across the street from her store to play like DND or something. The other reply was if she dresses up as Celestia to give Radish his cutie mark meaning but I disagree because that’s rather rude/mean towards him because you don’t simple dress up as their previous crush or even ex spouse to give them a fantasy of being with someone they couldn’t be with is really mess up mentally as well insulting to who she dresses up as. I hope she doesn’t do that…
I’ve been on the site for a long time and I barely give dislikes to comments or stories since most times I just skip by and not bother. I rarely get dislikes but thank you for not disliking my comment and I do believe I should give my reasoning why I dislike a users comment or story because they should know and not worry about why I never answered back.
11399877
Hopefully not…
11400943
“Radish doesn’t get anything from Celestia but a paycheck.”
“Oh, imagine how frustrating that is for him. Being so near her and yet so far. And yet he doesn’t work that frustration out through you? He never has you put on a Celestia wig to go at it? That energy is going somewhere, Fanny.”
And then a few lines later:
“You know, Underglaze, maybe I will get a Celestia wig. I’m gonna have him plowing me like his marks on Hearts and Hooves, while you’re sitting at home playing solitaire drinking cheap chianti.”
She's pretty explicit about getting the wig for fun times with radish. Whether or not it's a joke is yo be seen :^). Although I like your interpretation better.
11400963
Welp, I’m blind for not reading the chapter twice to be sure i understood what Light said. Thanks for the quotes from the chapter I should had read the chapter again. I do wonder… if Spats is right about the world go into chaos or ends if they actually do it.
11400973
So, there's something I have been thinking the entire time. The description of his mark. Him, seemingly mounting Celestia from behind, her face in rapture, his hooves on her back.
Could it perhaps be a particularly satisfying massage adjustment?
OR is his destiny to be SEEN as the guy with the boning Celestia cutiemark? His sheer presence and cutiemark have made positive changes here and there just when its needed. Helping twilights preconceptions of him, and breaking her of her mentor blindness and see Celestia as a little more...mortal? Or at least helping. If he didn't have the mark, he couldn't have done many of these things OR been where he needed to be. The mark could be causing the situation it is referencing!
11400978
though you do make a point that maybe he is bringing fun to Celestia’s life since before the show she had a pretty boring life waiting for her sister coming back so having a stallion with a crazy cutie mark going around causing positive things to happened definitely might be helping her to relax?
That’s interesting way to look at it. I’m tempted of wondering if the author ever would draw the mark but that’s asking a little much
Though I’m a little sad the author didn’t have Luna feel jealous or sad about Radish dating someone else. I was hoping she would be into him….
The author sure is trying to keep the cutie mark meaning a secret. Though I worry how long will the author keep going with Radish since it feels like the story is slowing down.
11400982
Well, I've meant sexual roleplay. If done right - I.e. with discussion beforehand about it and then as promise of spiking fun-time with it - it would be good experience and winding off for Radish. I suspect that drama of this story arc would be in them doing all this wrong way - him attempting anal, her wearing wig - without any warning. Maybe even calling her her nickname that she really hate, and those who suggested it actually pulled his leg.
11399785
Not for people outside the US, where "Fanny" has a very different slang meaning.
11402287
Here in Russia there's absolutely normal name Семён (cyrillic) that when written in eng often look like "Semen". To understand implication of name "Fanny" I've deliberately googled Urban Dictionary. Otherwise I would have missed it.
11405159
Thing is, Celestia's Guard isn't Cadence's Guard. She may assign some of them to Cadence but they would remain Celestia's.
11402287
Quite. I had to re-read and then take it from American perspective; otherwise it rather matches Radish's naming/mark issue rather well.
11408287
Aussies will be confused, fanny for them means either back part of skirt or rump.
11450596
"aunt FANNY!!!"
"Rodney big bottom... Er, I mean, copper bottom! Rodney copper bottom!"
That movie was underrated.
"Make all the beautiful art you want, Dick-In-Ass Guy"
"We'll
ALWAYS
know what you're best at"