First Chapter, One Shot, No Chance
Princess Luna stared at the object before her. A crack ran along the side of it and an antenna emerging from the top. This was either because the year was 2000 or it was one of those $5 TrotPhones they sell in the ghetto. Take your pick, it doesn't matter.
Luna reached out her hoof and shoved the object across the floor, jumping back in shock as it moved in reaction to her touch. This was because 1) the Princess had been on the moon for 1000 years, and 2) she had been a retarded shut-in for her entire life before and after that period.
It was a cute kind of retarded, though, like a kitten that keeps getting its head stuck in a jar, and that's why Celestia continued to tolerate her sister. Still, after about the 50th time she looked up and to the right to see the kitten mewling helplessly, she just wanted to grab a hammer and smash the glass. Maybe having her eyeballs shredded by sparkling fragments would teach the little furball a lesson.
Or she could leave an open container of Draino out. It might be funny to see her sister screaming and rolling on the floor in pain as the caustic fluids ate through her throat. Her coat would turn the most vibrant-
Celestia's daydreaming was interrupted by the Canterlot Voice administered directly into her ear, "WHAT DOST THOU CALL THIS ITEM?!"
The Sun Goddess rubbed her tender head, "It's a cellphone."
"Celled … phone," repeated one half of the absolute monarchy that governed the lives of millions of ponies.
"Yes, you use it to communicate with ponies who are far away."
Luna raised an eyebrow, "Why can't they speak to Us face to face? Are We ugly?" Not only dumb, but insecure. She was like a double scoop ice-cream cone of 'shouldn't be in charge of celestial bodies.'
"No. Sometimes ponies have something to tell you that is important, but not so important that they can be bothered to actually find you. That is why you must always carry your cellphone with you."
"What could be so important that you needed Us immediately, but not so important that you couldn't fly to Our location?"
"Let's say you went camping, but I wanted to know where you'd filed your T-190 Forms. Without a cellphone, I'd have to go looking for myself or wait until you returned, but with it you're just a few button pushes away. The next day I could call you again and ask about something else meaningless. Basically, with this I can effortlessly bother you anytime, in anyplace about anything forever, and you will never be able to escape."
"What is camping?"
Princess Celestia didn't respond to the question, only made an entry in her list of "Things I Can Write About My Sister Not Comprehending." It was a long list.
While she was writing, Luna managed to open the flip phone. Celestia wanted to be sarcastic about Luna's squeal of delight at accomplishing an incredibly basic task, but she was kind of impressed her sister had accomplished it too.
"What are these?" Luna pointed at the nubs on the face of the phone.
"Buttons."
Luna's already adorably large eyes bulged in incomprehension.
"How do you not know what buttons are when you play video games all day?"
"Oh!" Luna looked back at the phone, "Which one is for charged attacks?"
If Celestia had a bottle of Draino in reach, she would have drank it herself.
Luna adjusted the angle of her stylish fedora before walking through the doors into Burger Queen. Behind her she levitated a bag containing the latest "Cogs of Horsecraft" expansion pack. Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by a chiptune version of an anime theme.
No. She had checked out for the afternoon. Whatever it was could wait. She ignored the ringing until it stopped, drawing scathing glares from the other patrons.
There was a bing as she received a voice mail. Against her better judgment, Luna checked it.
"Luna, this is Celestia. I know you're off duty, but I need you to swing by Canterlot Castle and sign this T-190 Form for Requisitions of more T-series Forms."
The phone rang again. Another voice mail.
"Luna, this is Celestia again. I really need you to come in and sign this form now. It can't wait until you come back in four hours. Please call back right away."
"Then why don't you bring it to Us?" Luna muttered under her breath, before ordering her meal and walking back to a booth. She dropped the phone on the table and took a single bite of her veggie burger.
The phone rang again. The plastic bounced aggressively on the table. Luna stared at it, her bloodshot eyes bulged; her lips curled back in fury over enormous, slightly yellowed teeth. A piece of lettuce was stuck between two of them.
If only she knew some way to silence the abomination, but Celestia had tactically withheld that information.
Finally, one of the patrons, frustrated with having his meal interrupted by somepony else having their meal interrupted, shouted, "TAKE THAT BLASTED THING AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR PLOT!"
Luna was startled at the use of the Canterlot Voice by a commoner, so startled that she jumped to her hooves ready to respond before realizing he had a pretty good idea.
She levitated the ringing, vibrating, plastic nuisance in the air and shoved it where the sun didn't shine. She sat down, and barely repressed her goofy grin as Celestia called a fourth time.
Princess Celestia hadn't even left a message after her third call. As soon as it went to voice mail, she hung up and redialed, tapping her hoof on the ground. After five rings she heard a tone as the phone was answered.
"You finally picked up!" she shouted, "Wait? What is that burbling noise? Did you just put me on speaker phone?"
A very rude, very wet noise rattled the circuits of the phone.
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So beautiful . . . I actually cried. My heart exploded ten times from all the cuteness. Truly, this deserves a place in the featured box.
Because I'm a
dumbshitgreat author, I just wanted throw out an unnecessaryvital comment:I started writing a Luna is Stoopid trollfic, and then I realized that I actually sympathized with her. If you've ever gone on vacation and within 24 hours received a call, looked at the caller ID and known it was going to be some moron back at work who needed instructions on how to pee, then you've probably wanted to just stuff the phone up your butt and fart into it. About once a week I read "Yzur" and contemplate carving out my tongue.
Literary genius , I'm actually being serious when I say this deserves a feature more then some of the stories that actually got one. The whole of the fic was rather inexplicably leading up to what was already explained, and it just came out of fucking nowhere.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
I don't even know...
Edit: After reading it, I have no words to express the feelings I have
This, Sir, is probably the most amazing thing I ever had honour to read
Fantastic! You have showered us with your greatness, good sir.
This... This was fantastic. I am not even joking. Please, write more. I need your scathing humor.
What did the cellphone say to Luna's villi?
Nothing! It was on hold!
1214939
Ahhh... I'm not feeling anything here man, sorry
That was actually rather hilarious.
Comic genius.
You make stupid fanfics of tiny equines that shove objects up their arse because your dumb.
I upvote said stupid fanfics of tiny equines that shove objects up their arse because I'm dumb.
I'm still saying WTF
1216605
Well, your dumb because you used the wrong form of "you're."
You're grammar is funny, and dumb.
I'm gonna write MLP fanfics while your dumb.
I approve, featured box, blargity blarg blarg, GOOD JOB BOYO!
<<"Let's say you went camping, but I wanted to know where you'd filed your T-190 Forms. Without a cellphone, I'd have to go looking for myself or wait until you returned, but with it you're just a few button pushes away. The next day I could call you again and ask about something else meaningless. Basically, with this I can effortlessly bother you anytime, in anyplace about anything forever, and you will never be able to escape."
.
"What is camping?">> COMEDIC GENIUS! I sense
This story is brilliant! Amazing! Fantastic! I LOVE IT!
Oh, but you made one mistake.
Luna isn't
Doy... everyone knows that!
No, but seriously. I love this story.
6/5. Top that.
Inappropriate... but hilarious!
COME ON! FEATURED, BABY! HIT DAMN FEATURED!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png
Eh hem, well good sir. You certainly did, that. Thing, there. Oh God. Funny, but i am left speachless. My IQ dropped 10 points because of that.
1216659 Woah, woah, woah, slow your roll there...don't diss on the legendary mailmare my good friend, it's bad for all MLP fans eveywhere.
Also, you had me laughing my ass off, I shall vote YES! And how dare a common mortal poby talk to a goddess llike that.
1216659
According to this fandom .... I'll let the numbers speak for themselves.
Number of times Derpy has been outwitted by a snack cookie: 0
Number of times Luna has been outwitted by a snack cookie: 1
The tears have been shed. This, my good man or lady, is the epitome of literature.
I read the title and I was like Wat.
Oh.. .gawd... My mind ran off so I had no logic to nit pick at anything...
whoaorno.com/images/495.jpg
That's the closet I can get to explaining my feelings. Now, excuse me while I return to laughing so hard I pass out from lack of breathing.
inb4 featured
Wow. Inappropriate, but wow.
1216800
Great literature, such as this, should make you ask questions. Specifically, you should be asking, "What in the ten Malebolge was this guy smoking, drinking, chewing, eating, injecting, applying directly to his forehead, pouring into his eyeball, dripping into his ear, sucking on, taking and inserting rectally when he decided to write this?"
I did not see that coming.
Great job, there.
1216867
Inappropriate? I beg to differ. Here's what it looks like when I do that:
*lays out a cardboard sign with "Please, need disagreements"*
"Hey, man! Hey, sir! Sir! I'm, sorry to bother you, man, but you see I've been out on the streets ever since I agreed that possessions are unnecessary. Can you loan me an argument? A quibble? C'mon man, all I need is one objection so I can fight with a bus driver and go see my daughter. I just got out of jail, and they didn't give me nothing but the confession I agreed to sign."
"No."
"Thanks, man, oh god bless you."
1216907
I would've said "yes, I agree" for a laugh.
1216980
One black hole, three alternate timelines, and a completely trashed Delorean later ....
"Now what have we learned?"
"Don't create paradoxes which will tear a hole through space and time."
"And what else?"
"Don't talk to strangers."
"Thank you."
1216993
"Yes... because I still agree."
...Okay, who created that alternate timeline version of the alternate timeline perception of the inverted inversion of the minus world rendition of the black-hole-screwed-up variation on the thrice-ponified version of Doctor Who's distant third cousin twice removed...
And WHY the heck is him or her PINKIE PIE!?
Wait a minute. Wtf is dis shit?!?!
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/131/399/fry.PNG?1307468855
Not sure whether to LOL, or to be completely pissed that you did a fart joke on my favorite princess.
... What the hay could this possibly be about?? *Reads*
1217009
Everypony is always Pinkie Pie when you pull off their mask. She's like the anti-Red Herring.
1217015
What are you talking about? Princess Mi Amore Crabmonsterfromthedeepenza wasn't in this story. She's everyone's favorite princess, because she's pink and a shipper.
1217144 erroraccessdenied.com/files/images/bunny.jpg
1216759
Don't get me wrong, I love Derpy. She's my 7th Favorite Pony, and my 3rd Favorite Pegasus. It's just that Luna isn't like her.
1216778
Are you referring to "Luna eats an Oreo"? Because, if so, I love that story, and if not, then I concur with BronyCup.
1216787 Indeed, old chap, this is undeniably a clever ruse to entertain the likes of ourselves!
t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQFU0lpFLra7xwr7T7qnHXhFSpq0Gu-EwCR_ZIPOeFkbv7CHqHu&t=1
1217289 Ah...then I may have misread your words, I am sorry if that's the case.
1217776 Myes, indeed. This is suitably palatable to the likes of we connoisseurs of only the most excellent fanfictions.
Now write Twilight punches a baby (it's been done before but still).
1218084 Twilight punches Pinkie!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png
Or her kids.
Also,
i.qkme.me/3qrc8t.jpg
1218162
So basically Twilight snaps when pinkie pie won't stop being a stupid annoying cunt? Then proceeds to deck her in the snozz... I like it.
In fact i may write it.
1218175 Then beheads her and proceeds to directly rape her throat.
Disregard the fact that she does not have a cock. She can grow one for this occasion.
1218179
Then she shits half-liquid diarrhea down her throat in steaming bursts, churns it around by kneading her hooves, then drinks whatever the fuck kind of diabolical concoction comes back out. Pinkie orgasms because it is her strangely specific secret fetish.
Then in the background we see Luna doing a handstand. And shooting fireworks from her vagina causing passersby to cheer exuberantly.
1218196 Made me think of this :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_the_Headless_Chicken
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Sweetie_Belle_lolface.png
1218220
I smell a scootaloo fanfic....dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.png