"Tired of your life on Equestria? Feel as if there is nowhere new left to explore, nothing left to discover? Then join the Celestial Board as a colonist! We need doctors, engineers, and even toaster repair ponies! Guaranteed work awaits you!
Managed to get updated on the chapter getting definitely better. I do like the Emphasis of Slim Chance being and adventurer spirit/pioneer and isn't interested in you average 9 to 5 work day schedule, and is a lot deeper in her reflections then she was in the first few chapter; probably because her brain was still in frozen for a while there. The characters around here are mostly getting better, as in less carboard-y and are also starting to be a little deeper in the dialogue, but it's largely dragged down the near absence body language description of follow up opinion that slim makes of them on the fly like as followed , it would really help to give them more character to their great dialogue but sound stilted just because they aren't backed up with good narration.
I looked at my leg, “So, not all of this is originally me?” [I looked at amazement at what should have been just scar filled stump to what I swear was entirely the leg I was born with.]
She smiled, “Nope,” she said[/chipperly], “Part of that is dura-muscle, but don’t worry. That stuff was created way before this was a colony.” Making light of what was reconstructive surgery that even prewar Equestria medicine would have have trouble with or just outright write if off.
She shook her head [torn], “We have weapons, but most of them are needed,” she replied,[regretfully, but shifter back to being congenial again] “However, we will be passing Fallen along the way. I’m sure that Lady Fair Shake will have what you need, but I wouldn’t bet on it being cheap.” [taking on a compromising tone.]
She looked at me for a second, [regretfully] “Look, we’ll escort you that way, since we’re already heading toward it. Help us move the healing pod, and I’ll give you a few bits extra to trade with her.” [she compromised, showing that at least she wasn't just abandoning me to fend for myself once we part ways]
I think the story could have afforded more planning if you were planning to have a large cast of characters and alternate the teams and have some of them split up in pursuit to their own goals/objectives and later come back later with some news for her with her plans and more missions for them to do.
10680847 Don't be sorry. In truth I wouldn't mind a rewrite in that it would give me a chance to improve what's already there. I will continue the story as well but take the suggestions into account moving forward.
I nodded, and within thirty minutes the pod was disconnected, lifted, and I helped the moving by casting a feather weight spell on it. Before it would have likely taken Buttersworth and Smog to carry it. Now that was being done by a single Pegasus among Swift Rain’s group. I noticed that their group was about ten to our four. Of course Sweet Kisses was with us, but she was on the ship. In a way she was the ship. A small part of me wondered if she would ever be able to leave it.
Are the rest of the Ministries going to be there?
"We work to earn the right to work, to earn the right to give ourselves the right to buy the right to live, to earn the right to die."
10676340
Fine Print is certainly where the inspiration came from.
Managed to get updated on the chapter getting definitely better. I do like the Emphasis of Slim Chance being and adventurer spirit/pioneer and isn't interested in you average 9 to 5 work day schedule, and is a lot deeper in her reflections then she was in the first few chapter; probably because her brain was still in frozen for a while there. The characters around here are mostly getting better, as in less carboard-y and are also starting to be a little deeper in the dialogue, but it's largely dragged down the near absence body language description of follow up opinion that slim makes of them on the fly like as followed , it would really help to give them more character to their great dialogue but sound stilted just because they aren't backed up with good narration.
I think the story could have afforded more planning if you were planning to have a large cast of characters and alternate the teams and have some of them split up in pursuit to their own goals/objectives and later come back later with some news for her with her plans and more missions for them to do.
Hope this helps a little.
10678419
You make some very valid points. I might see a rewrite coming for this in the near future.
10680520
Sorry dude
10680847
Don't be sorry. In truth I wouldn't mind a rewrite in that it would give me a chance to improve what's already there. I will continue the story as well but take the suggestions into account moving forward.
10680851
Ever scene this song before?
10683800
Yes, yes I have. I absolutely love it, and it's on my spotify playlist for writing this story.
I hope she'll be able to leave as well