Mission: Stomach Rescue

Rainbow Dash must go on a very dangerous mission to save Spitfire unfortunately Soarin' isn't aware of said mission and uses aid from a rookie member of the Wonder Bolts to save the good Captain.

A story I did for Star-Sage
Hope you all enjoy.

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Comments ( 5 )

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Alticron

Alticron #1 · Jan 18th, 2021 · · ·

Yikes. I want to like this, but there are a ton of spelling and grammatical errors holding this story back for me. Here's just some examples.
In the second sentence of this story, there are three errors alone.

Spitfire had given a newbie recrute pasficic orders one he was a bit unsure of doing but he dared not disobey the captain.

First, you misspelled recruit. Second, I think the word you were going for was "specific", and third, there should be a common after "doing".

Spitfire sat in a comfy leather chair feeling the air hiss out as she sate back trying to relax she bore a resting glare that didn’t seem to fade anytime soon, looking around her the controls beeped, blinked, surrounding the good captain was short wall of buttons that glowed multiple colors below her was a radar with rod-like controls they didn’t look like they were made for hooves but big heads at the Canterlot labs said they worked, even though they weren’t tested completely.

In this, not counting the spelling errors, we have the problem being where sentences run on too long. A better version would go something like this:

Spitfire sat in a comfy leather chair, feeling the air hiss out as she sat back, trying to relax she bore a resting glare that didn’t seem to fade anytime soon. Looking around her the controls beeped, blinked. Surrounding the good captain was short wall of buttons that glowed multiple colors. Below her was a radar with rod-like controls they didn’t look like they were made for hooves, but big heads at the Canterlot labs said they worked, even though they weren’t tested completely.

She grabbed a headset cupping it over her ears and switching a small microphone to her mouth. “Come again, rookie?”

There should be a common after "headset".

“Are you really sure about this Ma’am?” A nervous male voice asked, his voice still slightly muffled.

There should be a common after "this".

The new member of the Wonder Bolts Shiver Winds a young pegasus with a grey coat and black mane and tail, walking nervously down the hall dragging a cart behind him he kept swallowing aloud a very clear sign he was trying to keep a secret hidden but was doing an awful job at it.

This is another block that would need multiple changes to flow better. Something like this:

The new member of the Wonderbolts, Shiver Winds, was a young pegasus with a grey coat and black mane and tail. He walked nervously down the hall, dragging a cart behind him. He kept swallowing aloud, a very clear sign he was trying to keep a secret hidden but was doing an awful job at it.

I want to keep going, but I'm really tired right now. I'll go over more in the morning.

ShrunkenBro

ShrunkenBro #2 · Jan 18th, 2021 · · ·

10634626
Ah shoot.

Alticron

Alticron #3 · Jan 18th, 2021 · · ·

Right. Back to trying to edit this thing.

The young pegasus came to the door with a golden place on it, said place was a bolt with two mighty wings stretching out of it, the sweating rookie knocked on the door secretly hoping he wasn’t in his office. Shiver... well shivered waiting for a few seconds ready to turn and run with the cart till a male voice halted him in place.

I'm pretty sure you meant to write "plate" instead of "place" here. Also, this would also need some grammatical clean-up so it'd look like this.

The young pegasus came to the door with a golden plate on it, said place was a bolt with two mighty wings stretching out of it. The sweating rookie knocked on the door, secretly hoping he wasn’t in his office. Shiver... well shivered, waiting for a few seconds ready to turn and run with the cart until a male voice halted him in place.

Onto the next paragraph.

“Come in.” Shiver dropped his head and opened the door pulling the cart while entering the office of the Wonder Bolt’s second in command Soarin sitting at his office chair.

I'd put commas after the words, "door" and "command". Also, typically, Wonderbolt is spelled as one word and Soarin's name has an apostrophe at the end of it.

“Hey newbie, got you on food delivery eh?” Soarin welcomed in with a clam ton

... I'm gonna be honest here, I have no idea what your were trying to say here. All I know is it should end in a period here.

Soarin was tending to some papers setting them down on his desk his office walls were decorated with Wonder Bolts posters and many more memorabilia,

This is an example where some sentences go on too long and should be separated by periods and commas. A better way to do so would be like this:

Soarin' was tending to some papers, setting them down on his desk. His office walls were decorated with Wonderbolts posters and many more memorabilia.

Soarin himself wore a light blue officer uniform much like Spitfire’s only this one almost matched his coat color,

Again, this should be its own sentence rather that a part that is continued with a comma. Also, there probably be a comma after "Spitfire's".

as the rookie approached Soarin looked to have aged a bit he was showing some wrinkles under his eyes and his mane was messy, it had been only been three years since Twilight’s new rule in power and three major heads of the Wonder Bolts had already seemed to have been aging some like wine.

It really seems a problem with this is the writer doesn't really know when to use a comma or a period. This causes stuff like overly long sentences when it should be stopped due to the change in subject. Again, a cleaner version of this would be something like this:

As the rookie approached, Soarin' looked to have aged a bit. He was showing some wrinkles under his eyes and his mane was messy. It had been only been three years since Twilight’s new rule in power and three major heads of the Wonderbolts had already seemed to have been aging some like wine.

And now, onto the next part:

Which Shiver and Rainbow Dash would agree Spitfire and Soarin did.

And this seems to be a bit of the reverse issue where we have a whole new sentence starting despite it carrying on directly from the previous one. If you needed this to be a separate sentence, I think a better way to put this would probably be something like, "Shiver and Rainbow Dash would agree that Spitfire and Soarin' aged exceptionally well.".
I need to stop again, but I do plan on coming back to this later.

Hereward