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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
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Pre-reader privilage.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/8/28/l1A4270xX020IxemosHcPA2.jpg
I'm very impressed It's nice to see a fellow engineering student on here (and we're from the same country - huzzah! )
Your fic is very gripping The only reason I'm not reading the last three chapters is that it's almost 3:00 and I have uni in the morning
Criticisms
Few and far between actually
I think the convention for dialogue is: "I'm going to get my engineers," ranted Cave Johnson, "To build me a combustible lemon!" with commas in place of full stops when ongoing dialogue is broken up.
Also, the word "to" is a preposition, used to divine direction, whereas "too" (an adverb) is used to indicate excesses. For example: We went to the Stable, but couldn't get in; it was too full.
Apart from that though, your writing is pretty much spotless - your proofreaders are excellent
Compliments
I love your names. Francium, Helix, Thistle (I'm a Scot lol), Tungsten, Inertia, Arc - all so good
The sheer volume of engineering terminology you use is excellent (and it's actually in the correct context, which makes me like your using it even more!)
The story is very compelling - I'd stay up to finish everything you've written if I didn't have to berate the mechanical workshop in uni tomorrow
Your character development is nicely balanced - they're not bland, nor are they straining with their emotions like mental patients. To paraphrase Goldilocks: you're getting it just right (in my eye at least)
If you have time (and if you want to ), I invite you to read my FoE fic, Just Like Clockwork. Both you and I share a great deal in terms of writing style, characterisation techniques and use of technical terms (although I gravitate quite frequently toward psuedo-science; you'll see why if you read my fic ).
Keep up the good work, Eventhorizon ,
Startlight Tinker
Yay [managed to find 10 minutes!] two new readers!
First to the first thumbs down Drop me a message with why and I will bring any thoughts into the mix. Lets see if we can't change it to a a thumbs up!
1704513 My proof readers are brilliant, doomande proof reads so may fics I cant understand how he hasn't imploded. Honey Mead is a brilliant writer and constructive critisiser. If you have time give his 'Rolling Bones' a read. I will try and vary my sentencing a little and see how that works out and I will stick some Portal 2 references in where appropriate
1706780 When the world decides to get off my shoulders I will give your Fic a thorough reading. Its rare that we get a Romeo and Juliet start in a description... he rises and then he falls. The big question now is How?
1711560 I have noticed that a lot of the same sex relationships in MLP fics can tend to lean towards I am glad that you feel mine is stomach-able Though I am intrigued in which branch of mechanical engineering you have ever dealt with francium! Kind of explosive when wet... or damp... or humid... or even meets a single H20 molocule... but you know that
1713211
Thumbs down happen mate As a matter of fact, one of the first comments on my fic was "Not another FoE fic!". I'll take at look at your proofreader's pages when I have a moment
1711560
Regolit, I didn't know you were an engineer as well How many of us are there on this site!?
1713211
The secret to how to make so much is to take one story at a time dude And thanks for the kind word. It is always nice to hear words like that. Altrough the only thing that I do is to point out places in a fine story that need a little bit of extra work.
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And Starlight, there is nothing to see at my page as such, I am just the guy working behind the scene making sure readers as you gets the best that I can squeeze out of the writes I would say that you should look at Honey Meads page, there is some stories there at least
1771540 Thanks for taking the time to read it!
Yep, there are things I am still not perfectly happy with but if I keep going back the darn thing will never get finished! Luckily no personal experience of being walked in on; you have Honey Mead to thank for that idea Keep on reading and I am sure Fran will grow on you; though out of interest who do you connect most with?
Another great chapter. Horrifically dark with gruesome details, I didn't realise the shit that goes on in that messed up head of yours You've got a good idea of the geography of the area and have hinted at places to go next. There's gonna be a lot of stabletech scavenging I guess. I really like the idea that everytime Francium went out to repair/build something underwater Helix is panicking slightly. It does a lot to make the reader believe that they truly love each other. Not sure why no one has protested to the going underwater plan after what happened to Ambrosia. I'd never go near a body of water in my life if I saw someone mauled by a giant radigator. You've implemented hear a few of the things I suggested in my previous comments but I still think you should go to town on the death of ambrosia. Have it really mess them up, so that when 50 people die not just one the reader is forced try and imagine 50 times the amount of grief from the previous chapters. The way the characters respond to the deaths in this chapter is great though. Not sure what the copper taste is supposed to be, it's Iron in human blood (you could say the air tasted "ferrous" i.e tasted of iron).
As for who I connect with? I guess Fran feels more likable now. It's hard to put into words or even wrap my own head around why I like a character or not. I had very little in common with Fran in the first few chapters (what with all the lesbian stuff and her obsession with black plastic suits) yet now she's killed people and seen the mutilated bodies of 50 friends and associates I have even less in common with her but somehow connect more. I guess as a reader you start to imagine yourself in these situations and if the main character just shrugged stuff like that off without a second thought then the character becomes bland and distant, but you've done a brilliant job here of making Fran's responses seem real and now I'm hoping that she finds the rescues the the rest of the stable dwellers and makes the fuckers responsible pay. That's good writing. Also I think you connect with a main character if you have the same questions about things and the same responses to situations as the protagonist. For example when Fran volunteers herself to go and get some algae the first thing that popped into my head was "What are you fucking crazy? Less than 2 days ago you saw someone horrifically killed by a monster lurking in the water and know you want to go in there?" and when none of the characters raised that point I felt like I didnt connect with any of them. If say smoking had said what moments ago I'd thought then I'd have felt closer to smoking. Or whichever character raised the issue. It's possible that I missed something that explained that radigators wont be a problem but the concept can be applied anywhere. Each situation or significant event the reader thinks what would I say or do in response the that and the more times the fictional characters or a character does what the reader would do the closer to taht character they feel. Or something like that, I don't know it's hard to work out what's going on in my head when I read something cos I'm too busy reading it!
Long story short. Very well done, give yourself a pat on the back or something.
1803112 Yay its not just me that likes it! Had a drawing of it for ages but couldn't work out how to get it from Illustrator to Photoshop. Then I thought stuff it; Drag and drop and it worked! Dodge and Burn are great!
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As a official pre-reader would I love to give one of the biggest reasons to why Fran is going on a underwater adventure in the next chapter. Water is a returning theme. Or it is as I write now. Not a lot of other stories have underwater elements, sure there is the story with the seaponies and Wet Grave, but beside that? Water is our strong element so to say, so we want to give the best, and most different, adventure than all the other brave ponies of the Wasteland haves.
A thing I would love to ask is if you as a reader liked the music we added? Did it add something to the scene, or was it for gimmicky? Beside that, good to hear that you like the story so far
This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors (and Doomande's recommendation lul)
Grammar Score: 7.5 there were some misspellings and awkward sentences, but overall good grammar.
Pros: I like all the technical talk when you describe the machinery, processes, etc.
I liked the subtle references you made to mlp fim (such as BSBFF and "the worst possible thing!")
Leveling up at the end is pretty funny and cool at the same time.
Cons: It seems like the only character you really describe is Francium (I only read the first two chapters so you probably added some stuff later). Helix and Tungsten come next, but I couldn't tell you what they look like or anything like that.
I don't know how to describe it, but the whole sexual thing between Francium and Helix didn't sit well with me.
I hope you like this review and that it might help you~
I would appreciate if you would review my story Cloudwalker Chronicles (or Pins and Needles if you're into gore and stuff)
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Psst Eventorizon, I have already made the review, so you don´t have to
2044588 Hey I'm new to this lulz
2044628
No problemoz. I am also bad at explaining it to people. And this is also different than normal, it is not often that it the pre-reader that goes out and brings reviews after all
2044628 2044588
Thanks for the review and thanks for covering!
There is now way at the moment I have time to read or write anything
There is just to much work to do at the moment I can't see me getting chapter 6 out for at least 10 more days, if that.
2046660 I completely understand. Writing takes a looooooooooooooonnnngggg time to do. The best of luck to you!
You're clearly hitting a mainly U.S and Canadian audience. If you could get your pre-readers to fix things like "Metre" and replacing Z with S, that'd be great. Hell, I'd even do it so people don't have to look for more things to fix.
the ground listen in the magic from Seafire’s horn. - I suppose this is meant to say 'glisten'?
>Reinforcements
More like you might have figured out HOW anyone knew about all this. How they managed to plan it all and know what they did.
tolerate the shit out of her weather you like it or not. - whether, not weather. Weather = the sky, whether = do I do I not.
Great chapter, I'll have to detail more tomorrow because too tired to really think right now. I know there was bits here and there I didn't note down because I just wasn't feeling attentive enough to keep track while reading.
Doesn't help I was also in a skype call to begin with, so my attention was less than usual. I'll probably re-read it and look for grammar errors for you, since, like I said, I saw one or two that I didn't note down.