Francium Actinium
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Ok, it admit it. I liked it, which is more that I can say for almost every other FoE fic. Reminds me of working in a submarine, I guess. Anyway, I'm still debating on whether to favourite or not. I'm not sure I could handle weeks between updates
what happened to the Stable cant wait for the next
Glad to see your story on here Eventhorizon. And you chose the perfect time to post it as it was added to the list of stories that updated/just started on Equestria Daily. Love this story, the underwater stable was an excellent idea and I like your choice of names, Like Francium which people might initially assume is a made-up/human name but is actually an element.
Only thing left to do is center the * but otherwise flawless first chapter, leaving the readers anticipating the next exciting chapter.
1211030 I pre-read it for the author, so I know what happens in chapter 2, but I'm not an arse so I won't spoil it. All I can say is stick around, things are about to get...really interesting
.
another good chapter
another good chapter sad that she died though
Interesting fact: even at depths of over 300 meters, the risks of diving is not in the water pressure, but in the air pressure. So, say, bodies dumped out of a Stable at 80 fathoms wouldn't turn up on the surface crushed. Of course, if a living being were to try free diving at that depth, the bends would be the least of their troubles.
A memory orb that only Jib and Boom can view that contains the abridged history of Equestria? Sounds like a convenient way to introduce backstory to me.
And I must ask, that mysterious magical compound that poisoned the orchard, is it taint? Because it sounds like taint to me.
1268451 I won't say either way for the orb or the mysterious compound; that would spoil the story. You will just have to keep reading
And there may be a few physical mistakes in terms of how things react but movies always break real world physics so why shouldn't books.
Though I do remember a Mythbusters episode where they deal with a diver and lack of air... cant quite remember what happened but he was defiantly dead!
1270107 True, I guess fiction tends to skimp on some of the harder aspects of physics. I was using data from scuba dives; the record dive is somewhere around 300 meters without any caved chest cavities, but then again, their lungs were filled with pressurized heliox and not unpressurized air. In the Mythbusters video, the dummy got crushed, but seeing as people have been to three times the depth, there must be some extenuating factors. It's just too bad we don't have any real-world examples of bodies getting dumped from 150 meters then eaten by a radgator.
Now I have to figure out what ouroboros have to do with this story. It will probably be revealed in time, but hopefully it won't be one of those things that even after a million words you have no idea what the title is even about (I'm looking at you, Project Horizons)
Great cjapter Eventhorizon, of course I already knew that since I pre-read it
.
Still an enjoyable chapter, glad you took my suggestions and fixed what needed to be fixed whilst I was away.
1273590 It's about following EC-1101 which will ultimately grant full access to pre-war programs and assets of Equestria to a single pony, including Project: Horizons which seems to be the one mystery of the entire fic that has to have a satisfying payoff or the fans will be furious. (Myself included, 50+ chapters and if it just opens a cache of weapons or a single megaspell I will flip out.)
lovin this
An underwater Stable? This is not going on my read later list, this is a instant fav for that brilliant idea. You can count on me coming back and making a review later on!
good chapter
1320459 Thank you very much
Though I cant believe that I am the only person to think of it, there must be another out there somewhere. If you are interested there are details of the stable design on the Fallout Equestria Wikia.
1320484 I can't believe you read the whole chapter in less than an hour! It took a week to write
1320748
Well... I had the idea in my head (yeah right that is something all can say) for some time now, but I am more a reader than a writer must I see in the eyes. But I do not complying over it, with all the lovely stories that are out there
By the way, if I like what I read then see me as a proof reader. For I need to have a finger in a story that have the underwater stable that I have dreamt about
You have me intrigued.
Comma is out of place.
There are a couple places where you switch between Over Stallion and Overstallion.
Interesting story so far. Props for originality. Your character is... odd, which is a good thing. A little more exposition than I like, but being chapter 1 it is forgivable. As a general rule it is better to actually have events happen in the story or by explained in dialogue rather than monologue.
I am personally not a big fan of asides in non comedies, but that is just me.
I'll probably have more to say at each chapter.
-Cheers
1323518 Over's corrected, thats Word trying to be helpful but I clearly didn't look close enough in the proof reading. The comma is gone too
There was more in that exposition section but I cut out about 500 words as it was just getting ridiculous
Well here I am again.
There was a place during the memory orb scene where you used 'then' at least four times in rapid succession. It was off putting to say the least.
I think my biggest hang up right now is that I haven't connected with Fran. Right now I feel nothing for her. If she died in the next chapter I would shrug and move on. This is not a good thing for the lead character and it is all too common. I feel more for Tungsten right now and I am actively wondering why he isn't the POV character. I don't have enough knowledge or experience to tell you, with certainty, what the problem is, but I can give it a shot.
We haven't really seen Fran interacting with the other ponies directly. What we have seen has been very limited in scope and weak in delivery. All we know is that she has odd fetishes and can cast a large number of spells at once, but that's about it. It is essential that the reader connect with the character early on or we won't keep reading. This is doubly true with chapters over 10k because that is a big time investment that most won't devote to a character they don't care about.
-Cheers
Edit: I would like to say that it is nice to see an actual large plot being hinted at, which is one thing that has been deeply hidden in my own story. I'm mostly curious about this mention of 'Nightmare' and the need to build a Stable in that exact location.
Nice Prologue! With only 600 words have you shown a lot of the world and already explained why they could be in the water, if that isn´t a nice use of words then I don´t know what it is.
And with a little help from google can´t I wait to see if Francium have something to do with her name, for that sounds interresting.
And I wonder if the anomaly also worked with the Pink Cloud or...
1323783 All very valid points and true. In my defense I am a product designer and engineer rather than a writer but the only way to get better is to write and gather feedback. Any help and advice on how to make the characters more approachable and rounded would be greatly appreciated! Especially Francium and Helix and Tungsten!
'Large plot' wise, the planning has indicated some 400'000 words or more, 45 chapter and three 'parts' to the book. Weather it will end up like that, we will all have to wait and see. Fingers crossed!
1324504
I am glad you are taking that so well. I would love to help, however, I am reluctant to step in as a pre-reader only because I have a lot on my plate already. Though if I am going to be doing this anyways... Tell you what, if you're using G-docs then I can help.
As for the characters.
The biggest issue is that it is too late in the story to create the attachment, as most won't make it past the first two chapters. If you're serious about it you would need to go back and rework at least the first chapter.
It's really all comes down to letting the characters interact with each other. Exposition is boring and draining on the readers. It's akin to reading a rap sheet instead of actually meeting the person. Sure we get all this information on them, but they are little more than a name and facts on paper. Changing the exposition into scenes of characters interacting allows us to get to know them as ponies that we can connect with.
One scene that comes to mind was the confrontation between Fran and Tungsten regarding Helix. It would have worked much better to play out him walking in on the two of them and forcing the characters to actually deal with each other in the heat of the moment. Seeing the brother, sister, and the pony who loves both of them struggle to deal with their feelings or just get mad and throw things depending on how the scene plays out.
Overly long comment done.
-Cheers
So... It is only like 3AM, but that dosn´t mean that I can´t make my REVIEW TIME!
It was a overall good first real chapter. We saw a lot of the Stable, a lot of the underwater world and a few glimpse of something bigger here and there. Not bad at all
Both a Overmare and stallion? That was a new one. But that is not surprising with all the other nice new ideas that are showing up in this story.
One of the thing you have going and is loving is the tecnomagic you have here. And I think that this is one of the best stories out there that are doing it, with pair to SAT. You are walking on the edge of the knife perfect, taking both magic and science and make them support each other. I am almost out of words on how good I think that this is. Perfect I say. Perfect. (Or so perfect it can be)
Why is it that I get a feeling that this stable is one of those where all the ponies have a high IQ and could be working with rocket science... even there underwater. Not that I dislike that in any way. It is a nice touch. Like the whole process of how you get a foal, with this the only Stable that I have seen yet that I think could make it genetic with "only" 250 ponies in it. Though they do not know what MOA is, how could that be... only time will tell.
"Sit on my horn and spin." I saw what you did there
There is some few places here and there where there is missing a word or used one to many by my head, but that could also just be because I am a Dane and English isn´t my mother tongue. But the overall picture is good, it could use some more personal touch from Francium, not that what you have here is bad, but it is a little bit clinical some places here and there. But it is mere bagatelles.
One of the other things I also want to mention is that we still don´t know what Francium looks like. We know what her cutiemark is, are loving it by the way, but not a single word about her mane, hide or colours. Also a little thing that are showing with the world overall. The only thing that I got a real inner picture of was the EVA suits, where I would love some more words about the design of the Stable and what not. But that is just me
Still enjoying. Good luck and can't wait for next chaper. Also will proof read if you wish, as I think the errors are increasing and it sometimes distracts from the story to read incorrect spelling or punctuation. But that's just nit picking
I have 3 proof readers but thanks for the offer anyway, they are finding all the mistakes. I am afraid the next chapter may be a while; university has just jumped into high gear!
I read through this chapter at last. I have noticed some minor spelling errors but the rest of this chapter is pretty solid.
Pre-reader privilage.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/8/28/l1A4270xX020IxemosHcPA2.jpg
I'm very impressed
It's nice to see a fellow engineering student on here (and we're from the same country - huzzah! 
)
Your fic is very gripping
The only reason I'm not reading the last three chapters is that it's almost 3:00 and I have uni in the morning 
Criticisms
Few and far between actually
I think the convention for dialogue is: "I'm going to get my engineers," ranted Cave Johnson, "To build me a combustible lemon!" with commas in place of full stops when ongoing dialogue is broken up.
Also, the word "to" is a preposition, used to divine direction, whereas "too" (an adverb) is used to indicate excesses. For example: We went to the Stable, but couldn't get in; it was too full.
Apart from that though, your writing is pretty much spotless - your proofreaders are excellent
Compliments
I love your names. Francium, Helix, Thistle (I'm a Scot lol), Tungsten, Inertia, Arc - all so good
The sheer volume of engineering terminology you use is excellent (and it's actually in the correct context, which makes me like your using it even more!)
The story is very compelling - I'd stay up to finish everything you've written if I didn't have to berate the mechanical workshop in uni tomorrow
Your character development is nicely balanced - they're not bland, nor are they straining with their emotions like mental patients. To paraphrase Goldilocks: you're getting it just right (in my eye at least)
If you have time (and if you want to
), I invite you to read my FoE fic, Just Like Clockwork. Both you and I share a great deal in terms of writing style, characterisation techniques and use of technical terms (although I gravitate quite frequently toward psuedo-science; you'll see why if you read my fic 
).
Keep up the good work, Eventhorizon
,
Startlight Tinker
Looks promising! With only a short amount of words you've been able to set up the story nicely. Good work!
I'd be very glad if you checked my fic as well. Thank you!
Yay [managed to find 10 minutes!] two new readers!
First to the first thumbs down
Drop me a message with why and I will bring any thoughts into the mix. Lets see if we can't change it to a a thumbs up!
1704513 My proof readers are brilliant, doomande proof reads so may fics I cant understand how he hasn't imploded. Honey Mead is a brilliant writer and constructive critisiser. If you have time give his 'Rolling Bones' a read. I will try and vary my sentencing a little and see how that works out and I will stick some Portal 2 references in where appropriate
1706780 When the world decides to get off my shoulders I will give your Fic a thorough reading. Its rare that we get a Romeo and Juliet start in a description... he rises and then he falls. The big question now is How?
1711560 I have noticed that a lot of the same sex relationships in MLP fics can tend to lean towards
I am glad that you feel mine is stomach-able 
Though I am intrigued in which branch of mechanical engineering you have ever dealt with francium! Kind of explosive when wet... or damp... or humid... or even meets a single H20 molocule... but you know that 
1713211
Thumbs down happen mate
As a matter of fact, one of the first comments on my fic was "Not another FoE fic!". I'll take at look at your proofreader's pages when I have a moment 
1711560
Regolit, I didn't know you were an engineer as well
How many of us are there on this site!?
1713211
And thanks for the kind word. It is always nice to hear words like that. Altrough the only thing that I do is to point out places in a fine story that need a little bit of extra work.
The secret to how to make so much is to take one story at a time dude
1714869
I would say that you should look at Honey Meads page, there is some stories there at least
And Starlight, there is nothing to see at my page as such, I am just the guy working behind the scene making sure readers as you gets the best that I can squeeze out of the writes
Sorry it took me so long to get around to this. Of course, I've read this chapter before but here are a couple of suggestions I may or may not have made before.
It would be nice to get a few descriptive paragraphs every now and again, for example you could really go to town on the orchard. What does the simulated season look like, is it 'night' at the moment, or is the sun setting? What do the colour of the leaves remind her of? Does it smell like autumn? Maybe the season generators leave a tangy taste in the air. And drop the odd descriptive line in other places, whatever situation characters find themselves in try to imagine their senses. Also try describing her feelings more, like the sickening sense of dread and fear at the destruction caused by the rolling pipeline (though that could come next chapter).
I'm personally not a fan of how damn horny Francium is but i guess that's something you've decided to go with. I thought it was only guys who though about sex that much
I'm sure there was something else i was gonna mention but I cant remember.
Of course these are all things to make it even better, there's nothing bad here at all. Great chapter, I like all the dialogue about the relationship fiasco (a little bit of personal experience in there perhaps?)
Oh and the Americans have their dates messed up so in the future it might be worth adding that dates are in English.
Bro
Great chapter, reads much more fluently than the first one maybe because there's more going on. Kinda agree with Honey Mead though, not sure why but Fran is kinda distant. I'll give it some more thought as I read.
1771540 Thanks for taking the time to read it!
Keep on reading and I am sure Fran will grow on you; though out of interest who do you connect most with?
Yep, there are things I am still not perfectly happy with but if I keep going back the darn thing will never get finished! Luckily no personal experience of being walked in on; you have Honey Mead to thank for that idea
The chapters keep getting better. We've learnt a bit more about Francium, now we know that as well as the constant war between split personalities sanity and sex drive, she drives a hard bargain is prone to missinterpreting speech in conversation (that's the second time she's confused a ponies name with something else). Her love of everything tech is no doubt inspired by your own and it comes across well. We've got more characterisation about others too. Smoking, the gruff wise pony in keeping everyone safe. Tungsten seemed eager to jump in and put on his confident in-charge face (as well as being trigger happy) but ultimately smoking seems to be the boss. Definately room to build on the power struggle there (which you probably have done in subsequent chapters anyway). Seafire, sexy, knowledgeable, flirty and with a soft spot for shotguns. Cheque and Swarf are interesting too. Maybe add another bodyguard inside the shop though. Those two don't exactly come across as threatening. A few things I think could do with improving: Fair enough that the idea of trapping 150 ponies under the sea to die might be incomprehensible and might not sink in straight away (still could do with some more shock about this though, an overheard conversation between mother and child in which the child is distraught that he'll never see dad again, some muttered conversations and rumours, which of course are true, about the button that tungsten pressed killing everyone) but seeing a ponies neck being snapped after you thought you were all safe and the bone sticking out of that guys leg- surely someone should be crying hysterically (in panic stave legs it away from the water and hides behind a rock shaking and someone has to comfort him, or something similar). Just a couple of ideas to add more impact. Also I feel that you're using the "little pony in my head" line a bit too much, I joked about split personalities but any more time with this guy and he'll become the main character! It's an interesting way to express the inner most feelings to the reader that Francium is trying to supress but you don't have to use it ever time. Oh and how exactly are the stable ponies trapped underwater again? Surely the door's been opened so cant they come out and join the rest of them in leaving before they freeze or suffocate?
Keep up the good work, you've really impressed me with your writing skills.
Bro
Another great chapter. Horrifically dark with gruesome details, I didn't realise the shit that goes on in that messed up head of yours
You've got a good idea of the geography of the area and have hinted at places to go next. There's gonna be a lot of stabletech scavenging I guess. I really like the idea that everytime Francium went out to repair/build something underwater Helix is panicking slightly. It does a lot to make the reader believe that they truly love each other. Not sure why no one has protested to the going underwater plan after what happened to Ambrosia. I'd never go near a body of water in my life if I saw someone mauled by a giant radigator. You've implemented hear a few of the things I suggested in my previous comments but I still think you should go to town on the death of ambrosia. Have it really mess them up, so that when 50 people die not just one the reader is forced try and imagine 50 times the amount of grief from the previous chapters. The way the characters respond to the deaths in this chapter is great though. Not sure what the copper taste is supposed to be, it's Iron in human blood (you could say the air tasted "ferrous" i.e tasted of iron).
As for who I connect with? I guess Fran feels more likable now. It's hard to put into words or even wrap my own head around why I like a character or not. I had very little in common with Fran in the first few chapters (what with all the lesbian stuff and her obsession with black plastic suits) yet now she's killed people and seen the mutilated bodies of 50 friends and associates I have even less in common with her but somehow connect more. I guess as a reader you start to imagine yourself in these situations and if the main character just shrugged stuff like that off without a second thought then the character becomes bland and distant, but you've done a brilliant job here of making Fran's responses seem real and now I'm hoping that she finds the rescues the the rest of the stable dwellers and makes the fuckers responsible pay. That's good writing. Also I think you connect with a main character if you have the same questions about things and the same responses to situations as the protagonist. For example when Fran volunteers herself to go and get some algae the first thing that popped into my head was "What are you fucking crazy? Less than 2 days ago you saw someone horrifically killed by a monster lurking in the water and know you want to go in there?" and when none of the characters raised that point I felt like I didnt connect with any of them. If say smoking had said what moments ago I'd thought then I'd have felt closer to smoking. Or whichever character raised the issue. It's possible that I missed something that explained that radigators wont be a problem but the concept can be applied anywhere. Each situation or significant event the reader thinks what would I say or do in response the that and the more times the fictional characters or a character does what the reader would do the closer to taht character they feel. Or something like that, I don't know it's hard to work out what's going on in my head when I read something cos I'm too busy reading it!
Long story short. Very well done, give yourself a pat on the back or something.
Seems I didn't comment on this one after I read it. I liked Mantis and his story. I'll reread this chapter at some point and give you my views when they're still fresh in my head cos I cant remember anything atm
1803112 Yay its not just me that likes it! Had a drawing of it for ages but couldn't work out how to get it from Illustrator to Photoshop. Then I thought stuff it; Drag and drop and it worked! Dodge and Burn are great!
1799690
As a official pre-reader would I love to give one of the biggest reasons to why Fran is going on a underwater adventure in the next chapter. Water is a returning theme. Or it is as I write now. Not a lot of other stories have underwater elements, sure there is the story with the seaponies and Wet Grave, but beside that? Water is our strong element so to say, so we want to give the best, and most different, adventure than all the other brave ponies of the Wasteland haves.
A thing I would love to ask is if you as a reader liked the music we added? Did it add something to the scene, or was it for gimmicky? Beside that, good to hear that you like the story so far
I gotta say you have a pretty cool story here. I'll be leaving a review for each chapter so I hope you'll be looking forward to it.
The prologue was excellent. It drags me in and makes me want to keep reading it. Your grammar and spelling are spot on. I look forward to chapter one!
This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors (and Doomande's recommendation lul)
Grammar Score: 7.5 there were some misspellings and awkward sentences, but overall good grammar.
Pros: I like all the technical talk when you describe the machinery, processes, etc.
I liked the subtle references you made to mlp fim (such as BSBFF and "the worst possible thing!")
Leveling up at the end is pretty funny and cool at the same time.
Cons: It seems like the only character you really describe is Francium (I only read the first two chapters so you probably added some stuff later). Helix and Tungsten come next, but I couldn't tell you what they look like or anything like that.
I don't know how to describe it, but the whole sexual thing between Francium and Helix didn't sit well with me.
I hope you like this review and that it might help you~
I would appreciate if you would review my story Cloudwalker Chronicles (or Pins and Needles if you're into gore and stuff)
2043920
Psst Eventorizon, I have already made the review, so you don´t have to
2044588 Hey I'm new to this lulz
2044628
No problemoz. I am also bad at explaining it to people. And this is also different than normal, it is not often that it the pre-reader that goes out and brings reviews after all
2044628 2044588
Thanks for the review and thanks for covering!
There is now way at the moment I have time to read or write anything
There is just to much work to do at the moment I can't see me getting chapter 6 out for at least 10 more days, if that.
2046660 I completely understand. Writing takes a looooooooooooooonnnngggg time to do. The best of luck to you!
This is very interesting. Nice job. Now I read more.
Wow. Very interesting. Fantastic cliffhanger. Now I read more.
Every time a character says "mum" I automatically give them a British accent.