The human Grey wakes up to find a small pegasus named Fluttershy. After an incident at school involving Fluttershy and a bully, Grey learns a dark secret about the seemingly innocent Fluttershy.
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krafty
Joined 15th Dec, 2012 ·
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1957046Yeah this is just a one time thing. Not much of a fan of horror/gore.
This review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors
Name: Pins and needles
Grammar: 3/10
Pros: It was unique
never seen Fluttershy portrayed like this.
Cons: GRAMMAR lots of mistakes, at one point you called grey, greg
Notes: I'm not quite sure what to say to this, it was... interesting, A bit horrific, and gruesome, especially since it's Fluttershy. I could probably come part this how Cupcakes made me feel. With some editing and little more work, this could be something quite different.
Please review my story Guardian of the Hearthfire
1958650 Well, even though I said I probably wasn't going to change anything. Grey probably shouldn't be called Greg. I just hope people don't think this is how I normally write.
1958698 maybe you should point them to your other story.
1958701 Alright. Do people normally read the author's notes?
1958702 don't know about other people but I know I do.
1958704 Alright, I'll put it there then. Thanks~
1958709 Your welcome
Dang..... Very interesting. I haven't read a story like this in a while. The ending was quite unexpected. Liked the whole
thing.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Pins and Needles
Grammar score: 8/10 (Most of your sentences and paragraphs are in good form, but there are a few typos and awkward sentences.)
Pros: It certainly made me feel some things. You have some vivid imagery going on. And even though Fluttershy is acting completely out of character, she still sounds like herself, so you capture the character's voice well.
Cons: It made me feel some things and you have vivid imagery going on.
Okay, seriously, the only cons I can give you are for some grammatical issues and that you kind of rely on the gore for your horror. (Gore does not scare me, it just kind of grosses me out.
)
Notes: Well, if you actually want to go back to this and revise it, I would recommend either spending more time on Silva's character to really hit your audience hard when they read about her fate, and perhaps foreshadow Fluttershy's nature a bit in the first act (without spoiling the audience, of course.) [This is actually not my usual kind of story, but one of the things I appreciate about the AHA group is that you get exposed to stories that are different from the ones you would normally read.
]
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, A Spell for Lyra. Thank you.
1963555 Thanks for the review~ My own story kinda grossed me out too
so I don't think I'm going to write another one. (Even though I have an idea which involves Rarity and Applejack 
) I'll be sure to review your story after I get done reviewing the like... five other stories I have to review 
.
1964196 Thanks! (Those reviews sure do stack up fast, huh?
I love this group.)
1965557 Yes, yes they do
I love it when Fluttershy go's psycho and kills people "Stay outta my shed!"
Great story Krafty, thumb for you. But not my thumb, I'll 'borrow' someone else's. 