Still, Like Dust
It was always something.
There’d be a fly in the ointment, a wrinkle in the battle map, a zig where she should’ve zagged or a whisper when she should’ve screamed. Somehow, every time, something would go awry, and she’d suffer the consequences like she always did.
She’d grit her teeth through late nights and early mornings. She’d spend days solving an issue that should’ve taken minutes. She might have to fight. She might get hurt. Somepony might even die. And at some point, she’d end up coated with grime and gasping for breath at the bottom of a rocky crater—sometimes metaphorical, usually not. Almost never not, it felt like lately.
It was inevitable, she found herself thinking, cheek pressed to the shattered ground and horn still throbbing from its most recent discharge. And it was always—always—the same.
“Ooh, that looked like it hurt!”
Hovering in midair above all, surrounded by crackling black clouds of magical force, her latest hassle let out a braying laugh and began to crow over its momentary triumph. In the distance, restrained but unsilenced by a translucent wall of energy, her friends and subjects chanted for her to get up, keep fighting, you can do it Princess Twilight! They knew she wouldn’t let them down—that she couldn’t. After all, she never had before. She’d never been anything but honest, loyal, kind and generous and full of laughter and love for them.
And she used to mean it. Really, she did! She used to get up every morning unfazed by the challenges of the day, ready to give each one her all until—relentlessly, repetitively—she found a way to overcome it. Month after month, year after year, she’d been clever and confident and hopeful that soon things would be a little easier, that her hard work now would surely earn her well-deserved rest tomorrow.
And then, they weren’t. Tomorrow never came. Everything became today—today’s dispute to mediate, accident to resolve, battle to fight, war to win. She’d blink, and a week would be gone, and the only evidence of its passing would be the incremental progress she’d made on a dozen tiny inconveniences. She’d go to bed restless and wake up exhausted, and each time she brought the sun up, it took a fractional moment longer—consumed an infinitesimally greater amount of energy—to manage. And still, she’d never stopped trying, never stopped fighting for what was right and what was necessary and what the ponies of Equestria deserved.
But stars, sun and moon, gods old and long since dead—she’d never felt so tired.
“Given up?” her foe sneered, punctuating its taunt with a hair-raising clap of thunder. “I’m not surprised. You ponies are so weak. One taste of true fear, and you wilt like the delicate little flowers you are.”
Taraxippus—that was the thing’s mouthful of a name. It was a spirit more than a millennium old, manifested from the instinctual urge to panic that kept the tribal herds safe from predators in ancient times. Celestia had sealed it away centuries ago in a long-forgotten crypt. Four days ago, thanks to decaying magic and generations of institutional neglect, it had escaped.
And oh, if only Twilight had spent all of those days chasing this unholy abomination around the realm, trying to remedy yet another of her old “retired” mentor’s mistakes. But no, the relief of victory would come tomorrow, and it was always today. And today there was a municipal budget meeting, and a prairie fire was threatening Appaloosa’s summer harvest, and Rarity’s apprentice had his first big fashion show and he’d be thrilled if the Princess had time to stop by.
That was what she had to look forward to once she eventually won: more obligations, more fights, more bumps and bruises that came with both—and most of them relics of an era she wasn’t even alive for, caused by long-dead ponies who’d knew they’d never have to deal with the messes they left for her.
“Oh, what’s the matter? Are your legs turning to jelly? Am I getting to you? You don’t have to say it, I can tell. It’s delicious.”
But then again, she found herself wondering, muscles aching and thoughts mired in a fog that she could no longer remember being without, what if she didn’t win? What if she “retired” too? What if today was finally allowed to end?
That was inevitable too, really. Like Celestia’s “retirement”—their pre-arranged way of keeping the secret that gods could actually die. It would cause too much trouble if they told everypony the truth, Celestia believed. Ponies would question whether anything they believed was true. They wouldn’t eat or sleep or become friends with each other. They would fall into despair. They would panic.
Great plan, Celestia. Just like all your other ones. Just like every other time you maintained the status quo and made sure everypony was happy, ignoring all the problems you were too cowardly or incompetent to fix and trusting that someone else would handle them at some point after you croaked. And now, every day, that someone was her. And there was always something new.
“Don’t listen to it, Twilight!” somepony shouted, buoyed by encouragement from their gaslit companions. “You can beat it!”
Yeah, obviously. She could’ve beaten it days ago if she’d had the time or energy to spare. But now she had neither, and she hadn’t for a while, and every time she set her jaw and squeezed some out of some unknowable, ever-shrinking place inside herself, what did she get for it? A hug from her friends? A ticker-tape parade? All that ever did was remind her of how trapped she was—of how she could never be truly honest with them, or intentionally leave them in a world without her. It would crush them. It would break their hearts. They would do anything to make her smile, to see her look the way she made them feel, and no amount of exhaustion could make her monstrous enough to knowingly hurt them.
Unless she lost. Unless, for once, she simply allowed herself to fail.
“Oh, yes, by all means, listen to your friends over here. I’m sure they’ll love to see what I do with you next.”
It wouldn’t be painful—or maybe it would. It would be quick—or maybe the villain of the day would drag it out. She’d end up somewhere better or worse, or at the very least someplace other than here. And as far as she’d know, the world she'd leave behind wouldn’t end or begin or repetitively, irritatingly persist—it would simply become someone else’s problem. The other ponies would understand eventually—or, of course, they wouldn’t. Either way, she wouldn’t have to care anymore.
Twilight sighed, and shut her eyes, and ground her teeth together.
But she would. Damn it to the moon, she knew she still would. It was because she cared—because she simply couldn’t bear to allow problems to go unsolved—that she felt like this. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t be here in this crater, legs scratched up and ears ringing with the echoes of far-off cheers. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t be this tired in the first place.
And this thing—the tara-whatsit—knew that. Just like it had known where to ambush her guards when they were least expecting it, what directions to herd frightened townsponies in to throw her off its trail, and what words to murmur in her best friends’ ears to create the moment of weakness it needed to take them out of the fight.
Just like it had known exactly what she’d been thinking about all of today, for months and years on end: What am I doing? Why fight this battle when there’s always another one coming? How am I supposed to keep this up forever?
It hadn’t come up with any of that itself, of course. Her fear—because that’s what it was, really—had been there for a long time, chipping away at her resolve as she’d handled crisis after crisis in a year abnormally full of them. In fact, she doubted it had even done anything to strengthen those feelings. It had simply pointed them out to her, idly noted that life had become stressful and monotonous and seemed like it was going to be that way forever, and her overtaxed brain had done the rest.
And now here she was, at the bottom of a crater, wallowing in it. Giving a mindless phantom—the whole stupid, obnoxious world—the satisfaction of seeing her give in.
Slowly, jaw clenched and breathing steady, Twilight got one forehoof under herself, and then the other. She pushed herself up onto her haunches, lifted her head, and finally stood back up. Behind her, the crowd of onlookers roared with anticipation. In front of her, the Taraxippus did whatever the shapeless-smog equivalent of glowering was.
“It’s not gonna last,” it seethed at her. “You know it won’t. Tomorrow, you’ll be exhausted all over again, waiting for the next thing to go wrong and the next hassle that’ll bring you right back here. And deep down, you have no idea how to get over it, and you know you never will.”
Twilight stared it down and said nothing. It was right, after all—she was still tired even now, and she wasn’t sure what to do about it or when she might start to figure that problem out. But tomorrow might be completely different. And in the meantime, beating this thing’s non-corporeal ass seemed like a decent enough way to spend today.
So that’s just what she did. And honestly? It helped a bit.
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I see this and all I think is why can’t we ver get shows that show this level of deep moments especially after all the near death stuff they went though
yes twilight the solution to all lifes greatest problems is kicking the snot out of what ever it is thats getting to you today, friendship is magical but, violence thats the greatest magic of all
Oof- 10 months into the pandemic, I am feeling this.
This story captured the feeling of 2020.
10626795
And maybe even pay Celestia a "visit" and then SLAP her Incompetent butt for FORGETTING another Ancient Villain/Bad Guy Threats, that she would have supposed to keep lock up, or try to reform early on with the "Magic Of Friendship".
Celestia should have kept a personal list on how many Villains/Threats she have once defeated and imprisoned. And that will gladly help Twilight and her Friend's Hero jobs easier to KNOW the Villain Threats WAY sooner, than at the last minute!
Damn.
Is there anything else to say?
Damn.
10626829 sir, this is a Denny’s.
10627036
What the Heck are you talking about?! This is not a Famous Dining Restaurant!!! We're at a Fanfiction Website based on MLP: FIM. Commenting this story. And I'm criticizing on Celestia STILL being a incompetent coward against facing Villains and other Threats to Equestria/Equis.
An inspiring message in hard times... but for the love of sanity, Twilight, delegate. Celestia didn't have you take care of crises just to prepare you for the throne. Faithful students are useful like that, especially when it comes to giving you time and energy to actually improve the status quo.
I know, I know, I'm getting caught up on the surface level of the parable, but still. Aside from that, again, a very nice read.
10626776
It's a lot harder to show this kind of deep introspection in a video format without some kind of internal monologue that lessens the impact.
10627039
It's an expression. Posh is telling you to stop spazzing out.
Excellently done.
Oh hey, finally I find a fic that captures the feelings and thoughts I have on a daily basis, minus the drive to keep going.
Ouch. I felt that.
This makes me wonder about a fic with THIS Twilight Sparkle, getting help from an outsider that knows the real pain she is enduring.
Anyways, this was a wonderful and enjoyable read :)
Oof.
Good story. Thanks.
☝😠
~ Many Years Later ~
"Uh, princess, what are you doing?" Luster Dawn asked. "That giant, crackling ball of magical energy you're making looks kinda dangerous."
"Well, you see, my little pony," began Twilight, "I'm kinda just feeling... done with all of this. But rather than repeating the mistakes of my predecessor, I'm going to give everycreature, not just myself, a fresh start by rebooting the entire universe. G5, here we come!"
10627039 sir, your moons over my hammy are getting cold
"And so, we must imagine Sisyphus happy."
10627187
Telling him to stop spazzing out is like trying to stop the sun from shining. A waste of time and effort. I think the only thing he ever does is spazz out about something in a story.
10627606
Is he a figure or Tragedy or Heroism? One need know his mind to understand the answer to that question.
i SethS tandmore found this 2B a highly realatible story, just as Twilight struggled to defeat the monstrous trylobite so too did my grand father ROY STANDMORe struggle to defeat the Nazi's at the Battle of the Bugle, luckily he did just like twilight sparkle by never giving up, and that is the message that we can should all take from this story away from this story.
My only question is in, what episode was the trihexalon featured, I do not remember that from the show
Sincerely Seth Standmore
10628296
I think that's a OC Villain that Aquaman made up.
10626829
The real question is, why does no one know about these threats except for Celestia and Luna. I mean, they didn't cover Tirek at history class? Or keep watch on the neighboring kingdoms just in case a new threat arises from them (i.e. the changelings, Mt. Aris, and the Storm Kingdom)? You know, give the ponies a heads up just in case something bad happens?
Stand up, Arjuna.
10628408
Exactly! Very good points.
10628536
Just a question, have you ever thought about making a fanfic with your complaints about Celestia?
10628547
Why? Shouldn't some of you are also be upset at Celestia? For just being a lousy, lazy, cowardly, and incompetent leader/teacher in both the T.V. Show, this Fanfic and MANY other Stories?
10628558
Pardon me if I sound rude, but I didn't quite got what you wrote down.
10628571
10628558 ⬅
Is this better? 😑
10628579
I didn't mean it like that, sorry. What I meant is that I didn't quite get the meaning of what you wrote.
10628558 Setting your complaints about Celestia’s character aside, do you have any thoughts on the story?
Incidentally, here are my thoughts on the story:
I’m fond of stories that use the backdrop of high-octane, action shenanigans as window dressing for a compelling character journey or monologue. You deliver that perfectly here. The wicked tartigrade, or whatever her name is, presents the kind of villain-of-the-week threat that girls have been dealing with off and on since Twilight ascended. Twilight kicking her ass is a certainty; the only reason she didn’t do so already is that she didn’t give enough of a shit, for a heartbeat.
So, the driving question of the story isn’t “will Twilight win?” It’s “Will Twilight care enough to win the next time something like this happens?”
It’s not saying anything especially new, I think. Not just as far as ponyfiction is concerned; someone else in the comments already quoted Camus, so repeating that would just be redundant, to be perfectly frank (
). But publishing it with the past year, and all its cumulative traumas, fresh in the audience’s minds, makes its message potent, which only enhances the effect of your characteristically gorgeous prose.
In short, I fav’d this for a reason. Thank you for putting Twilight in the hole.
Wow, I feel like this not only show the mindset of heroes, but people in general. We’ve all felt that moment of being beaten, like we can go on, or that there is no point, but we still get back up.
10626829
Imagine if she actually did that, though. How long you think the list would be?
10627220
Yikes. You ok?
10627325
10628408
If I had to guess they probably didn’t go over tirek in history class is probably the same reason they don’t go over certain things in real life history class. As for the neighboring kingdoms, would it even be possible to keep track of all of them?
10628608
That’s deep
Great way to address something that the show simply wouldn't have been allowed to.
10628648
Well they still could've kept track on the hippogriffs, and how the Storm Kingdom destroyed the Capital. That would've at least alerted them of the Storm King.
This was very, very good. And it adds a deeper, if brief, look into what it actually means to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I realize the theme of Twilight having to be practically the sole troubleshooter of a whole country's (and more) problems has been brought up before in many a work, but rarely do we get such a raw look at what that might feel like, long term.
And honestly? For all of Celestia's many failings when it comes to Twilight, leaving the crown to her might be the biggest one. Because it's one thing to be the realm's champion and savior when you get to go home and collapse into your bed at the end of it, with dreams of a pleasant and well-earned day off come tomorrow ... and it's quite another having to drag yourself back to budget meetings and prissy nobles and other time wasters that you would rather reduce to ashes before your very eyes, with realization nothing awaits you but more of the same drudgery until you eventually (hopefully not) snap and send the world back to stone age.
Because being a ruler is more than a full time job in itself, and so is being the first and best line of defense against terrors seeking to doom your country. Through Celestia's thoughtlessness, Twilight is forced to be both at the same time. And that's going to wear anyone down given time enough. And for better or worse, Twilight has all the time in the world, or close enough to it, for it to keep wearing at her.
Yes, Twilight is an exceptional individual all around, and I can see how finding a successor to a position such as Celestia's can be difficult (understatement), but still ... but jeez, mare, way to go dumping way too much on one pony's head, no matter how talented, powerful, loyal and driven she might be.
One can only hope Twilight finds a way to delegate some of her responsibilities sooner rather than later, because she desperately needs a break. But that also sounds simpler than it probably actually is ... because when an ancient evil trounces the more mundane defenders and Canterlot bureaucracy catches fire, it's not like Twilight has the option of shrugging and ignoring it because she's on a vacation - worse, trying to take a vacation might increase the chance of something bad happening, as there are precious few individuals who can do what Twilight does.
So ... yeah. This was both good and depressing, because dammit does Twilight need ... well, not a hug as I'm sure she gets plenty of those already. But she needs something, and hopefully she gets it before she snaps and goes Eternal Dusk on everyone's collective behind.
Awesome depiction of Twilight Sparkle, and one whch acknowledges how sheerly tough and indomitable she is, and how much she gives of herself because she cares for others. I love it when someone writes fic that -- without mangling the characters into Pony versions of the Punisher -- remembers that the Mane Six are heroes -- and ones who often must suffer in order to win.
The implication in the story that Celestia died from old age means one of two things:
That Luna is forced to retire as well and hide out for the rest of her life just to maintain the facade of Celestia merely being in retirement.
Or Luna was aging the whole time she was on the moon and was in similarly poor health leading her to death's door.
10628863
I think they did keep track of the hippogriffs, didn’t they?
10629026
They allied with the hippogriffs, but didn't paid attention to them. If they did, Celestia would've been alerted by the Storm King's actions at Mt. Aris.
10628900
Heroes DON'T always have to 'suffer' to win.
And the Punisher is a Anti-Hero in a sense. Because he takes down real criminals, crime lords, and super villains. And saving lives like 'Normal' Heroes would do.
10629033
Alerted by the guards or the hippogriffs?
10629063
By the hippogriffs.