Rocinante
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Profound. I would like very much to see this extended, to see what came next. How the others would find her in the war effort, how equestria's opinion of the nation's hero would be forged... And the aftermath.
But as a sequel. This one shot stands pretty damn well in its own, kudos
Why is it marked as complete? The story is just beginning.
7752302
7752200
You think this would hold up as a war story? I've been itching to write something with a WW1 feel. I think it would feel a bit like Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell.
Let me finish Strange gifts, and then I'll come back and see about using this as a prologue to an adventure story.
7752330 It just felt as if it was the middle of a chapter from a much longer story, like you wanted to just write the climax.
An excellent read, very well done
7752330 Yes, it would
7752354 Curious, I see it more like the prologue that sets both the alternate universe the story would take in, and it's tone. Not a tale of brilliant heroism or goodness redeeming evil, but a tale of the grim nature of war. With a kickass twilight raining down destruction upon the enemy forces... But also a tale of the aftermath of said war, and the impact such powerful individual would have on their world therefore.
Of course, the prediction she'll find the other elements promises it to play with that trope in the most tantalizing ways. Yes, I want to read this story!
Great story.
Two things to note in particular: the use of "vocabulary" to describe spell proficiency is pretty cool, as is the idea of an enchanted page that etches itself into the reader's mind then dusts itself. One of those things that seems obvious once someone else has already thought of it.
All-in-all a good little excerpt into Starlight jumping about trying to Doctor the worlds back to some semblance of normal.
Now the question lies on what the spells do that make them so dangerous. War Magic is more than shooting lazer-beams from your face, it's using magic to create weapons from thin-air, its to telepathically force your enemies to end their own lives, and finally to be able to forge horrid creatures to kill in your name.
In the end Twilight has been given something that is very old, and is the essence of cruelty. Setting your enemies on fire maybe fine and dandy, but once you know how to rip the very soul out of a pony by thought alone.... You start to change... You look into the abyss.... And in the end you will slowly loose your essence... You will become a hollow shell...
Oh boy, Starlight... That is provided Twilight actually does everything you say. This version of Twilight is neither an Element of Harmony nor the Princess of Friendship, and for all you know may already be set on a completely different path ever since your interference (wasn't that your whole plan in the first place?).
Starlight could very well return in a few years to find that Sombra had simply been replaced with a purple pony who knows forbidden death magic. Oops.
Gosh darn it, Starlight, have you never heard of unforeseen consequences?
7752330
Write it like a fix-fic with dark overtones, because this timeline is now literally Starlight Glimmer's fix-fic of an alternate equestria.
7753286
Yep. If I ever return to this world, it will be telling "the magic of friendship" as the 5 girls pull Twilight back from that abyss. Probably title it: The Abyss Looked Back.
7753438
I do think there's room for a "Quantum Leap" like story, where Starlight tries to fix the timelines she created.
7752330 Please do consider it, either from this Twilight's perspective, or from Starlight as she goes from Dimension to Dimension. Either one would likely be a good series. (Though only continue if you feel like it. If you try to force it, it will show in the chapters and not be nearly as enjoyable for anyone.)
7753474 I would read the heck out of that. Just sayin'.
7753479
That's an awesome translation of my suggestion.
I was talking more like "harry potter goes back in time to fix things better with future knowledge" easy to write style of story where the narrative uses this oneshot as the deus-ex-machina prologue and the story follows OP!BattleMage!Twilight as she grows up with the OP magic and then forces her way to the frontlines where she then trounces the forces of evil with power from a future not her own.
That would be a fun read, especially with all the dark adventure tones involved and the drama of passing on the deus-ex-machina spells and the competency-porn of Twilight evolving her and other's spellcraft with the forbidden magic, and then the aftermath!
Wow, heavy stuff. Nice job conveying it.
Short, but very well done. I do like seeing this as I personally felt that Season 6 should've focused on the repercussions of what Starlight did (I also think they should've delayed the CMC getting there marks and tied it into that story). I suppose now we have to ask if this will become a series of stories with Starlight helping fix everything she created.
7752330
Honestly, I think it's great as is; letting the reader imagine their own ending.
... that being said, a sequel/continuation with a WW1 feel sounds fantastic, and I'd totally read that. Really either way I very much enjoyed this chapter.
For anyone interested in fic that explores similar (but not identical!) concept (well it will when it will move to later chapters I think) I can recommend
Defense in Depth by Fon Shaolin
7754082 You might want to specify what you mean by similar idea. You could mean anything from travelling through time to arm someone lethally to the simple use of an alternate universe, with that vague phrasing.
Incredibly, incredibly bare-bones, very pretentious OOC dialogue from Starlight, and the ending feels like it's trying too hard to set up a concrete happy ending for a pony who will have quite a lot of deaths weighing down on her conscience by the time she reaches it.
Not particularly worth it.
7754217
Starlight has too little character to be OOC.
All that canon shows is in control and arrogant or submissive and melodramatic.
Set up a concrete happy ending? Where? How? It looks naive-dark as hell to me.
7754296 "Oh hey, after you kill all the bad guys, you can go and hatch Spike anyway and make all your friends again, despite the entire point of these AU being that you don't have your friends and weren't able to hatch Spike!"
Also, no. Starlight Glimmer does have character.
Why would she need book to learn war magic? She is clever enough to adapt spells she knows for war.
This is a very good one-shot.
This was done pretty well. I hope that if you can find time and the right ideas that you might consider making this a full fleged story.
7754217
I mean, there isn't much buildup, and Starlight's dialogue seems a bit contrived.
Twilight questions NONE of what Starlight says, and eagerly starts reading her death book...
I really enjoyed this story! Though, I agree with some of the users before me that it seems like the beginning of something much larger. I'd love to see it expanded upon, but it also stands alone quite well on it's own. Well worth the feature box imho!
I also support the idea of a continuation.
Although I'm more interested in the aftermath as she has to deal with Celestia, Equestria, Spike and the rest of the mane 6.
7754891
There is a book involved, therefore bibliophilic Pre-ponyville Twilight Sparkle is entirely in character here.
7755950
A literal stranger gives you an enchanted book. What part of this is not extremely sketchy?
7756049 Like how a literal stranger posts words and people read them here. There are two ways to go about this. One, we have a Twilight who has seen secondhand the tragedy of war, and she'll take any hope that could stop it. Two, Twilight sees a loosely bound set of pages that not even a foal would find intimidating. With that in mind, she reads the first page that turns to dust. Once the severity of the spells is explained (hence the need to include burn after reading), it interests her further. Yes, it does seem a bit out of character that she doesn't question Starlight like her counterpart questioned her future self. Considering the circumstances, I can see why she would listen.
Overall, I'm interested in where this could go. What lead Starlight down this road? Does Twilight know? How did she visit the same timelines Twilight did, as opposed to creating even more divergences?
7756206
I said this lower in the comments, but I think a very good "Quantum Leap" type story could be had with Starlight trying to fix all the worlds we saw. Spike would be a fun Al character, with Twilight as Ziggy. It's just not the type of story I'm good at.
I may come back to this world after Christmas, but it will be Twilight focused story that will open right after the end of the war.
7756049
Haven't you watched the show?
7756433 This way, she can't guarantee she leaves them safe. Like in Quantum Leap, where another time traveller goes through behind him, breaking the changes.
She doesn't fix alternate Starlights, who she might have doomed. Once the worlds get fixed, they might someday go through time before Cloudsdale, that would also change all timelines. [err: spawn new broken ones][which might do anything to current Starlight - even duplicate her in them]
7753479
Perhaps you meant 'folly'?
*others
7754217 Nice avatar.
7757206
Wholly, was what that should have been. Good catch, thank you.
"Somewhere in that fray Shining Armor lead brave ponies to fight and push those dark forces back." No I don't think so. I believe he was mind controlled and working for Sombra .
7757783
Is that canon somewhere? just re-watched the flashback, didn't see him in it.
Though, Now I'm thinking that would be a more interesting story. I can see Twilight being desperate for power to find and save her brother.
7757808 I have be re-watching it too and I see a white pony leading the charge for him. The white pony that jumps on Rainbow's
7757838
More a cream color than white. But that said, you could read it either way.
Fuck this was good. For real.
This needs a continuation/sequel. It's fine as a stand-alone as it is, but there is definitely a sense of "Only the Beginning" going on in the undercurrent.
That, and I keep imagining the scene where Twilight is called before Celestia to find out where exactly she learned "Forbidden" magic that was scrubbed from every record she would otherwise have had access to, and the look on the Princess' face when she sees the Element of Magic Amulet.
7753338
Well, you know, Starlight's whole character can be defined "Wants to be a good pony, but has no clue how to do that". Unintentional consequences would be right up her alley.
Makes me wonder did Starlight do this behind princess Twilight's back or was there a consensus that as horrible as the death spells were stopping Sombra and saving that world was more important
Sequel?
7758915
Maybe. Have to finish Strange Gifts first.
7758992 k
7758992 An aftermath would also work.