“Pinkie,” Maud asked, “Have you ever thought about something, and then it was real?”
And Pinkie just laughed, endeared by the naivety of the minds of fillies.
Winner of the 'Siblings Contest' in the Quills and Sofas Speedwriting Group. Written in an hour and presented with minor edits here.
Appropriately edited by my good friend, the amazing wishcometrue, with additional edits made during the contest by my other good friends themoontonite, Red and Zontan. Mistakes are because of edits I made after consulting them, and I thank them all sincerely for the help.
CW: Child abuse, Trauma
Chapters (1)
To go a little deeper into what I said when I first read this story (and it first ripped my still-beating heart from my chest) the way you use the limited framework of language to tell this terrifying, inescapable spiral of fear and pain is just mind blowing. The characterization of Pinkie as deeply, wholly depressed and frightened and angry is flawless and you make it sososososo SO easy to slip into her horseshoes and experience everything from her point of view. Impeccably written and chilling, you continue to be one of my favorite authors on this site. Wonderful job!
Fascinatingly disturbing... but honestly? I feel like this would've worked better with Limestone and Pinkie rather than Pinkie and Maud. Maud is the only character who feels even close to herself. I'm always in favor of AUs, but you do need to have a connection between the character as we know them and as you present them. Here, the beleaguered, unwilling replacement for Cloudy and the impossible, well-meaning child definitely resonate with two Pie sisters, just not the ones you've assigned them.
Again, very strong concept and good execution. I just think the casting could've been better.
this name sounds familiar
It needs stated first that this story doesn't read like a usual Seer story, and this isn't for the worse. It's more like taking a different path to the same conclusion, that being, it's a Seer story told differently. On this note, this was crushing, it was bitter, and it was amazing.
On the technical side, having Maud be the one to wish and tell Pinkie this in her patented stoic way built tension expertly, and having Pinkie be the one to root around in the misery for a glimmer of joy that she then shared with her sisters was also a perfect choice. And when Pinkie eventually snapped and yelled at her sisters, it was a sign of the situation being so soul-crushing that it broke Pinkie. It's worth saying too that the way you made the rock farm sound miserable without really taking time to describe the setting was a very fine balancing act that paid off. It set up an atmosphere with Pinkie's father and Pinkie's narration on it without directly stating anything to it.
Like when you describe the violence and suffering that takes place, it's almost from a point of routine. Like the monotony includes this heartbreaking brutality. The terror that you wanted Pinkie's father to convey is definitely recognized for me. They say a watched pot never boils, but Pinkie's father would shatter the pot if it didn't boil. Having to live with abuse is scary enough when the abuser is out of sight, and you're out of theirs. But having to work backbreaking, soul-crushing labor every day and be watched by a monster that will beat you if aren't working to their liking? This, while subtle and will likely be overlooked, is masterful.
What's more, is that Maud only wanted to help. She wanted to be with Pinkie, and to have some money for chocolate. To let her sister dream. To let her sister be free. It's a tragedy when children's innocence and happiness, and indeed their view of the world, destroyed by abusers. Maud and the younger sisters are no different, and Pinkie's view of the world was destroyed just like this. It's why it's unbelievable to her when wishes come true. Because it's unbelievable to her that her situation can magically become better. But I say this about Maud to say that when she made her last wish, it was because she thought that her and the younger sisters, and also the parents were a burden. When Pinkie snapped at her, Maud made the hasty and horrid conclusion that the pain of this reality Pinkie had to live in was her fault as well as her father's. So when that wish comes true, it broke my heart and made me cry. I can't even begin to imagine the though Maud had, but the way you described her sadness, it was like water breaking free from a rock.
A lot of your stories to me Seer, I love. When I read them, much like I read this one, I smile at the quality, and then the smile turns to a straight line when the darker aspects come in. Then over time, like always, will turn downward, not for quality or raw and refined talent, but for the subject matter being struck so dead on and accurate that it's hard not to feel the emotions myself. It's rare that I read a sad story of yours with a dry eye, and this wasn't an exception. Excellent work, truly. And this came from a speedwrite no less. It's a mark of your skill that gleams like a banner on a high hill, and one I want to climb myself and reach you there.
Hauntingly beautiful. Hits a little (too) close to home for me.
Is it so terrible?
Man that was some heavy stuff, well done.
I’m not really a fan of how a lot of people make pinkie’s parents abusive but I think it worked for this one.
Wow. . .
It hurts to see Pinkie so depressed. What pains me even more is that this type of situation is endured by so many families each and every day. I like how you captured the theme of children's naivety versus the maturity of an adult. A child's perspective of the world differs so much from the viewpoint of an adult. As a teen, your writing prompted me to ponder over the transition that eventually occurs in our thinking as we age. It's amazing to see the story you painted just from the concept of something called a wish. Well done. 👍
This was a fantastically written story. The creeping dread of both the Pies' abusive household and the extent of Maud's powers were handled masterfully. However, throughout it, I was left wondering why the perspective character was Pinkie, or rather how this character was Pinkie. Pinkie is written as ten years older than Maud, so I was expecting some kind of explanation for how Maud's the older one in canon, but none came. In personality, she didn't really evoke Pinkie either. That confusion aside, you did a great job with this.
This was haunting, and beautiful.
I think the abuse was a bit too much. It wants to justify something that doesn't need anymore justification than basic, inevitable Shit Life Syndrome.
The abuse is also mostly just hinted at in afterthought way that could be done away with. The only bit of that sticks is Ingenuous interrupting the bath, and that can just be justified as "get sleep so you can work so we'll have a roof to sleep under tomorrow," which is again just basic SLS.
Really, really, really good.
I think Pinkie was written brilliantly, always looking for Laughter even in such a bad place.
I think that the worst part of this story is that even by the end, Pinkie still does think like a child. I’ve both met and been the child that thinks like her.
And here I thought from the summary and warnings, the story was going to be about how Maud was abused and wished Pinkie into existence as a younger sister with endless laughter and emotion that Maud lacks. But the tragic ending would be about her realizing that Pinkie was an imaginary friend all along.
Wow, this was written in an hour? I am insanely jealous of your talent. Certain clever bits of writing here would take me a heck of a lot longer to come up with. For instance, the juxtaposition of the rooster, how Pinkie used to love it when she was little and the world was new, but now she hates it, specifically, because "the rooster stole her dreams from her"—I just love that sentence so much, and the double meaning that's in it—and then, how the rooster ends up dead and rotting, how it all ties into the horror element. It would probably take me several hours just to come up with the idea of the rooster, to muddle my way through the symbolism, much less the prose. The fact that you can do that, and write 2,500 more words, and have them be as powerful and hard-hitting as this, is a ridiculous show of skill. I can barely scrounge 1,000 words on a good day, much less an hour. I'm seriously impressed.
10379169
That is how an abusive home can be. That was my father, almost perfectly. Except that we had plenty of money, until he spent it all on steak, rum, and weed. He’d buy the neighbor a new computer, and sell my bed to pay for it.
This is really sad.
This is one of those stories that makes you feel sick, but you want to read more, to try and find out everything is okay, the quesiness is gone.
But it just ends worse. Exhausting.
Damn I don't know how I've never read this one. I loved it. Unsettling in all the right ways. Maud as a child would indeed have been very creepy.