It's another summer at Camp Everfree and Gilda immediately regrets coming. Just when she thinks it's all another series of mundane weeks, one experience will lead to a big change. For on one evening, when Gilda is out by herself, she stumbles upon a familiar face, Fluttershy, who in turn is going through her own struggles. Secrets are soon revealed in one single night, as emotions run high and tensions increase. But what it all leads to... is an outcome neither woman expects to happen.
Edited by ThePinkedWonder and Dramamaster829
Chapters (1)
When it comes to anything that pits Fluttershy and Gilda together, there's always that one topic that pops up. Gilda yelling straight at Fluttershy's face, suddenly the griffin is public enemy number one, and even after making amends with Rainbow Dash everyone expects her to apologize to Fluttershy for what she did. This may not be that kind of story in general... but what we do get is a rather 'interesting' piece to say the least. The way that this tale comes together, readers must definitely imagine how the chemistry between the two feels when put in this particular tale. All I can say for the faithful readers following SunTwi's work for a while, there is no denying you're in for a treat.
The drama and intensity in this...
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I don't see a lot of EQG Gilda stories that don't run with her being a bully, so it was a little refreshing to read/help with a story that shows other sides to her. Nice work coming up with the idea for it.
Intense for sure, but a nice read none the less.
I love it!
Hello there! I happened to encounter this fic as it crossed the front page and liked it, although did not comment at the time. Seeing that you requested feedback in the Self-Promotion group, I figured I'd come by again. Please excuse me for being so long winded. I think your writing here has a lot of potential, so I feel inclined to go into depth on the points that come to mind, both for the positive and the negative. Definitely don't feel inclined to edit or anything of course, these are just ideas you may keep in mind in the future--or if you don't like them, don't!
First, some errors I noticed. They are all minor but figure I'd note them. Most persistent are what look to me like unintentional tense changes, usually at the start of a paragraph. If any of these are intentional and I misunderstood the intent, sorry about that!
inappropriate past tense
inappropriate past tense
'that' should likely be 'what'
the singular possessive " girl's " might be changed to " girls' " so that it would be plural possessive
inappropriate past tense
inappropriate past tense
Now, on to the main points.
I have to be blunt on one main matter: some of your prose is quite awkward. There are choppy segments and others where things don't quite flow. It's not something I could give direct advice on without going over some examples point by point. However, I do think it is also quite clean and concise--it does not drag--and in the end makes a very nice foundation that I have no doubt you will develop very nicely as you continue writing. Really, it's the sort of thing experience is required for, and with the other elements of this piece, I think your work will shape up very nicely as you continue to practise. If you like reading as much as you do writing, that also helps a lot!
Your description is adequate. It sets the scene reasonably well and, nicely, never bogs it down or disrupts the pace. Just a little extra detail sprinkled around the edges and you would be quite solid. The main point where it is lacking, I think, is that Gilda doesn't receive much. Given the story is largely being told from her perspective, it might be a bit awkward to just pause to describe her, as works for when Gilda gives Fluttershy a quick look over. With how much of the action centers on Gilda, though, more subtle description could be lightly sprinkled in through that. Some examples might be describing how she pulls her coat up against the cool breeze, or a little nod to the cut or colour of her hair when she interacts with it, or the anger in those fierce yellow eyes--whatever paints that vivid picture to you. A little work could go a long way in this department, but nice overall.
Now to what I'd consider the meat here, though perhaps the heart might be more appropriate! I find your characterization for both Gilda and Fluttershy to be quite lovely, and especially Gilda out of the two of them. You very finely mix her angry, punky demeanor with an observant, outsider aspect that makes her sympathetic (and I'd say moreso than most depictions I've encountered, show or otherwise), and then have her turn on that battering ram of an attitude to help her
friendschoolmate in a way probably only she could. Fluttershy of course provides a nice foil by being her usual understated self, and when her own emotions start coming out, I think you capture that very well, also. It's a very nice emotional back and forth, I think it captures the internal struggle it brings Gilda to well, and both character voices come through very clearly to me. The latter half of the fic, as a result, is very nice in my opinion, and as a huge sap who adores scenes like this (and in particular has a big weak spot for a punk-with-a-golden-heart!), it left me feeling both emotional and fulfilled.Overall, I think that as you continue to improve your prose over time, and perhaps fill out your detail some, your lovely character writing illustrated here may well shine all the brighter. You have some definite potential and I hope you stick with writing for as long as you enjoy it.
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10714359 Sorry for the late reply but thank you and I'm glad you all enjoyed it. Your comments make it much better and hopefully, more will come from it
I think I'm going to at least give you 31st of march to go through your fiction. Unless you want me to review it.
10743419 Hmm? What do you mean? Also thank you for the follow. May I ask how I earned it
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what I mean is you put 2 of your fictions in the my little review. I was thinking do you want to fix the stuff before I review it.
How did you earn a follow from me. Let's just say it's a complete mystery.
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My Little Reviews & Feedback I now have review your story.
Not gonna lie, I did not think that would actually work.
This story and To Punch!!! ...In a Nice Way are kind of similar, kinda. Still, what a pretty neat story :D