Aside from needing some more punctuations in the middle portion, it was a very nice story do see a HiE struggling with alcoholism and trying to coping his new circumstances. I am interested in what role Luna is going to take in this story, is she going to be more of a psychologist counselor for his adjustment. I wonder if drinking was already a problem for him before he arrived in Equestria and what does he do to still be able to afford paying them at the bar? Looking forward to seeing more of this and good luck. I just noticed that you have other stories, it'a shame it went under the radar I am normally captivated HiE turn ponies, but it's been such a hard time for me it must have slipped. Keep it up and good luck.
10953455 THANK YOU SO MUCH! Sorry sorry I've been trying to break my surface level of writing and really flesh out and give more depth to my thoughts and ideas that come by like "what if I wanted to make a story of blank" then I listen to music to help my motivation so when I make these I rarely get any if at all feedback and I struggle with what I can make, when I see these stories have potential and no real viewers with comments or notes I feel sorta disinterested, I obviously still try to keep it up but this has helped a lot in terms of a viewers perspective so, thank you so much! It means a lot that someone could see the same potential in a story that I also hold, I'll definitely keep this one up with updates so stay tuned
10955198 from the looks of you didn't posted it in almost any writing groups and that is why it was almost never noticed, you might want to fix that I can think of a dozen group it could be in.
After ambushing him like that, I don't see how Luna can actually be trusted. There's nothing to say she isn't just going to repeat what she did before and lure him back somewhere else to beat answers out of him for.... the crime of existing, I guess.
Not a bad story, but I would suggest you get an editor. You keep mixing up your and you're quite a few times, women instead of woman, and it is obvious you do not know your thou's from your thee's and your thy's, so until you figure that out I'd also suggest you stop using those terms.
"I'm a lost cause really, I've done too little and wasted so much and I feel like the scale is tipped, what I've done and can do are at odds and there's no way I can truly put more weight of good I can do or even balance it, I feel lost, there's no more worth to my heavy soul and I hope I can at least atone to some sins before I regress and become less than who I was. I feel like being here is a curse that I deserve, some glimpse of what a world could be with real good and love, a show to what my hollow soul can't, even in the smallest fraction, equate to.
You realize this describes over 90% of the people on this site, right?
She started to trot over to me with a serious face staring me down, "We had a magical disturbance appear a two weeks ago thus a dimensional gateway opened to bleed some cretin as well and due to our connections we could isolate chaos and magical relics and follow down to the most possible conclusion and scour through location after location, now the question isn't where are thou, tis what, what do you plan to do to our ponies?"
Please dear god, proof read or get an editor. This is absolute gibberish. I'm interested in the story, but blocks of text like this are a roadblock. Trying to write magic technobabble with Ye Ole Canterlot just doesn't work when it's a messy run on sentence.
Aside from needing some more punctuations in the middle portion, it was a very nice story do see a HiE struggling with alcoholism and trying to coping his new circumstances. I am interested in what role Luna is going to take in this story, is she going to be more of a psychologist counselor for his adjustment. I wonder if drinking was already a problem for him before he arrived in Equestria and what does he do to still be able to afford paying them at the bar? Looking forward to seeing more of this and good luck. I just noticed that you have other stories, it'a shame it went under the radar I am normally captivated HiE turn ponies, but it's been such a hard time for me it must have slipped. Keep it up and good luck.
10953455
THANK YOU SO MUCH! Sorry sorry I've been trying to break my surface level of writing and really flesh out and give more depth to my thoughts and ideas that come by like "what if I wanted to make a story of blank" then I listen to music to help my motivation so when I make these I rarely get any if at all feedback and I struggle with what I can make, when I see these stories have potential and no real viewers with comments or notes I feel sorta disinterested, I obviously still try to keep it up but this has helped a lot in terms of a viewers perspective so, thank you so much! It means a lot that someone could see the same potential in a story that I also hold, I'll definitely keep this one up with updates so stay tuned
10955198
from the looks of you didn't posted it in almost any writing groups and that is why it was almost never noticed, you might want to fix that I can think of a dozen group it could be in.
10955201
You know...somehow, It slipped my mind to do that
10955203
okay I think you would need a little help with the groups you could be in
I definitely agree with everyone here and I'm looking forward to your updates. Definently liked and followed
I’ll be sure to follow your story with great interest
After ambushing him like that, I don't see how Luna can actually be trusted. There's nothing to say she isn't just going to repeat what she did before and lure him back somewhere else to beat answers out of him for.... the crime of existing, I guess.
Not a bad story, but I would suggest you get an editor. You keep mixing up your and you're quite a few times, women instead of woman, and it is obvious you do not know your thou's from your thee's and your thy's, so until you figure that out I'd also suggest you stop using those terms.
10955770
i like to think the author was drunk while writing
10955242
Hey pal want to send me the links to those groups?
You realize this describes over 90% of the people on this site, right?
Monk
11151013
not me.
i have so soul.
11151013
Simply put. Yes
Please dear god, proof read or get an editor. This is absolute gibberish. I'm interested in the story, but blocks of text like this are a roadblock. Trying to write magic technobabble with Ye Ole Canterlot just doesn't work when it's a messy run on sentence.