Gan Teideal

by Vedavyasa

Cruinniú

Twilight Sparkle was sitting in her library, behind her desk, reading a book. In the lavender unicorn’s world, all was well and good. Engrossed by a fascinating deconstruction of the Chaos Theory, the unicorn failed to notice the flash of light that came through her window. The tremendous boom that came echoing through shortly after, however, caught her attention quite well. Picking herself up from the floor, the unicorn raced to the window to see a fading light over the Everfree Forest. Yelling for Spike to send a letter to the Princess, Twilight rushed out the door to gather her friends.

---

Deep in the forest, an owl watched as a set of brilliantly green but slightly bloodshot eyes searched their surroundings. Connected to these eyes was a curious, hairless face. Connected to this face was a strongly built body. Wandering about, this strange creature wondered at this sudden turn of events. It had been walking peacefully, heading for home after a hard day’s work, when a voice had called out “mind that bus!”

The creature had time only to wonder “what bus?” before he was from his home untimely ripped.

Now in this strange new locale, the creature was understandably annoyed. Reaching in to a pocket, the beast pulled forth a strange white and brown tube and an odd metal contraption. Placing the tube in its mouth, the beast flicked its metal contraption and fire rose from it to ignite the tube. Wisely deciding that a creature with such strange magic could only mean trouble, the owl gently flew away, intent on distancing itself from this new monster.

---

Back in Ponyville, six friends assembled in the main room of Twilight’s library as Spike belched out a reply to Twilight’s earlier letter. Twilight read the brief letter aloud for the benefit of the small group.

“Dear Twilight Sparkle, there was indeed a disturbance in the Everfree tonight. I felt it even here in Canterlot, despite the magical protections in place around the palace. I must request that you and the other Elements investigate this and report your findings to me. Signed, Princess Celestia. Okay girls, we know what we have to do!”

Twilight sounded confident, and indeed her body language radiated self-assuredness as she walked out the door, but her friends exchanged nervous looks and gulps before following the young unicorn.

---

Some minutes later, a group of six stood prepared to enter the eldritch location that was the Everfree.

“Are you sure this is a good idea sugarcube?” piped up Applejack, swallowing nervously.

“We’ve been asked by the Princess to investigate. We can’t disappoint the Princess!” exclaimed Twilight in an oddly cheery way.

“Darling,” began Rarity, “as much as I agree that disappointing the Princess would be a terrible thing, perhaps wandering alone into the Everfree Forest at night is an understandable exception?”

“You’ll fight an army of changelings but you think going in to a forest is a bad idea?” deadpanned Twilight.

Rarity shook her head in mild exasperation. “Twilight, dear, those were extenuating circumstances! Canterlot was being invaded! Sensing a disturbance in the forest isn’t really a comparable scenario.”

Fluttershy eep’d quietly in agreement, having lost her voice to fear.

“This was no simple disturbance Rarity,” Twilight intoned, “it was as if a thousand trees cried out in terror... and were suddenly silenced.”

“Come on guys, we’ve been in there before,” chimed in Rainbow Dash. “We know what’s in there. What’re we gonna find, some monster from another world?“

“Ooh! Ooh! Maybe it walks on two legs! And has no hair!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, bouncing in place as was her fashion.

Twilight Sparkle chuckled. “I’m sure it’s just a simple magical phenomenon. Let’s go girls.”

Twilight began to trot down the path, nervous friends in tow. As they walked, Twilight continuously scanned their surroundings with a low level spell to warn them of any danger. The friends wandered the path for nearly an hour before Twilight’s horn flared slightly, indicating that they had found something. Before they could investigate what that something was however, it found them.

“Where in all the ages of bloody fuckin’ hellfire am I?!?” came a scream, not ten feet from the surprised ponies. Shortly after, a monster came barrelling through the thick vegetation. Upon seeing the ponies, the monster stopped dead and stared, jaw open.

The ponies returned the favour, shocked out of comprehension. Twilight, ever methodical, made mental notes as to the appearance of the creature. It was tall, around a foot and a half taller than herself. Broad as well, even more so than Big Macintosh. Oddly, the creature seemed to have no meaningful hair and did indeed stand on two legs. Even more oddly, it appeared to have something burning in its mouth.

Mouth. The monsters front teeth were sharp, extremely so. Having gathered all of this information in roughly one half of one second, Twilight finally reacted. Quite sensibly, given the situation, she screamed. The monster screamed back.

Rainbow Dash was the next to react. Not having a mind as fast as Twilight’s, Rainbow acted on instinct and launched herself toward the beast. Showing admirable reflexes, the creature spat the burning thing in its mouth at the prismatic pegasus and threw himself to the side. The small ember on the tip of the thing found its way directly in to Rainbow’s mouth, where it burned merrily away as she breathed. Noticing a source of immense heat in her now smoking mouth, Rainbow spat several times and scraped her tongue with a hoof in an attempt to stop the pain. Not paying attention to her direction of flight, the pegasus collided with a tree and fell to ground in a daze.

Fluttershy was next. The gentle pegasus gave voice to one small eep before fainting.

Now came Applejack. The ever dependable farmpony ran at the prone creature with intent to buck it in to the next century, but was surprised when the creature frantically rolled towards her. Taken aback, she stopped long enough for the beast to whip up a strangely shaped foot in to her chest. The foot, seemingly even harder than her hooves, thumped firmly over a lung, driving the air out of her and leaving her gasping for breath.

Twilight, finally regaining some sense of composure, quickly wrapped the beast in a telekinetic grip and lifted it off of the ground. Looking around for a moment in shock, the beast saw Twilight with her horn aglow and dropped its jaw again. After a short moment of silence, the creature began to bellow at the unicorn in a thickly accented voice.

“Put me right the fuck down you little witch! Whatever fuckin’ kind ‘o creature you may be I swear I will turn you into a goddamned burger!”

Jerking back from the unexpected volume the creature produced, Twilight made another mental note about the violence of the beast. A split second after, she realised something. “You can talk?” the unicorn sputtered.

The colour drained from the beasts face. “You can talk?!?”

“Of course I can talk!” exclaimed Twilight. “All ponies can talk!”

Much to her surprise, the creature burst out laughing. “Bobby boy, I don’t know what the fuck you fed to me this time but this is the craziest fuckin’ trip I’ve ever had!”

“Who’s Bobby?” Twilight muttered to herself, slightly unnerved by this strange beast. “Okay,” she began again, in a louder tone, “who and what are you?”

The creature stopped laughing and appeared to collect itself before replying. “Now why in the seven holy circles of hell would I answer a question a figment of my bloody mind asked me?”

Twilight cocked her head in confusion. Was this creature insane? “Figment of your mind?” she began, “I assure you I am completely real.”

The creature laughed its harsh, grating laugh again before replying. “Right. Peachy fuckin’ keen. I’m floatin’ here, bein’ held hostage by a little purple unicorn who just so happens to talk? Well, in the interest of havin’ a grand ‘ol time my name’s Kevin, friends call me Cannibal and enemies call me bastard. Pleased to meet you, little witch bitch unicorn thing!”

Twilight bristled, her coat standing on end. “I am not witch bitch unicorn thing, my name is Twilight Sparkle. I’m pleased to meet you as well, Kevin. Now that I know who you are, what are you?”

“Why my dear Twilight, I am a human!” Kevin exclaimed dramatically. “You know, homo-sapiens? Person man dude fucker thing?”

Before Twilight could respond, Pinkie Pie began to ramble on at a truly biblical pace.

“Hi Kevin how are you was the trip fun what colour was the bus why do your friends call you Cannibal what’s a bastard what’s a human why don’t you have any hair or any fur what’s with the teeth hi I’m Pinkie Pie!”

Twilight dropped the human out of sheer shock at the pink party pony’s motor mouth method of conversation. Hitting the ground with a dull thump, Kevin didn’t as much as grunt. He simply stared at this new menace with undisguised amusement. Turning to Twilight Sparkle, he mouthed a silent question to the more sensible pony.

“What hellish part of my mind created that demon?”

“She’s real too!” Twilight mouthed back.

Kevin gave the unicorn a manic grin before turning back to Pinkie Pie, who was now only inches from his face. “In order,” he began in a rushed tone to match Pinkie’s, “I am fucked up the trip is goin’ grand what bus you don’t want to know why a bastard is me and a bastard I am and so is a human I don’t have any hair ‘cause I shave it the teeth are fake and pleased to meet ya Pinkie!”

The human tried to take a moment to catch his breath. Before he had the chance, the pink demon leapt on him with a wordless cry of joy and drove him onto the ground in a hug. Kevin laughed again, still treating the scene as some sort of game. Before Twilight could react to the somewhat disturbing image, Rainbow Dash popped into her vision, blistered tongue hanging out of her mouth.

Rainbow frantically gestured at the offending muscle of the mouth with a hoof, directing an attack of puppy dog eyes of such ferocity as to make even the coldest soul to weep at the unicorn. Nodding in understanding, Twilight cast a simple healing spell to remove the painful blister from her pegasus friend’s tongue. As soon as her tongue was healed, Rainbow turned and shot herself at the still laughing human.

“What’s the big idea chump?” she spat out after body checking Pinkie off of the creature. “That thing you spit at me hurt!”

To his credit, Kevin simply smiled back. “If you’ll remember my little feathered friend, you attacked me. Count yourself lucky I didn’t kick you!” he said, rapping his knuckles across his oddly shaped feet for emphasis.

“Thinkin’ of kickin’,” came Applejack’s voice, “how they hay is your hoof so hard?”

“Hoof?” the human asked, confused. “Ah, my foot. It aint my foot that’s hard, it’s my boots. Steel toe.” Standing, he walked over and kicked a small rock to show what he meant. With a solid thunking sound, the rock sailed off in to the trees. “Now,” the human began again, “This little trip won’t last forever, do I get to have some fun while I’m here?”

Twilight shook her head again. “I’m not sure what you mean by a trip, Kevin.”

The creature blinked once. “Hallucination,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone.

Now Twilight blinked. “I already told you, this isn’t a hallucination. I’m perfectly real, so are my friends, so is the forest around you.”

Rather than verbally respond, Kevin pulled out another of his strange tubes and lit it with his odd contraption. Seeing the confused and vaguely afraid looks on the pony’s faces, he chuckled a little. “Aint any of you ever seen a cigarette?” he asked.

The group collectively shook their heads.

“Ah,” he began, “well then. Stick it in your mouth, light it up, and inhale. Wanna try?” he asked, a vaguely malicious tone in his voice. Rainbow Dash, perhaps to restore some of her slightly cracked pride, trotted up. Kevin put the cigarette to her lips, and she inhaled hard.

Kevin, knowing what was likely to happen, yanked the cigarette away before too much smoke reached her lungs. A short moment later, the pegasus was hit with a hard coughing fit. The rest of the group began to look worried, but Kevin just laughed.

“First time cigarette is a real kick from a mule, aint it?” he managed to choke out past his laughter. Still coughing heavily, Rainbow shot the human a glare that could have cracked stone. Kevin just laughed harder, stomping his foot in glee.

“Will she be alright?” Fluttershy asked quietly, nervousness evident in her tone.

“Oh, she’ll be fine in a minute,” answered Kevin, starting to calm down a little. True to his word, by the time he stopped laughing Rainbow had stopped coughing.

“Okay, perhaps we should go back to Ponyville?” asked Twilight. “We need to report this to the Princess. Kevin, you should come with us.”

“Ponyville?” Kevin asked in an incredulous tone. “You live in a town called Ponyville? Oh fuck it, sure. Let’s be off then!” With that, Kevin began to stalk down the path.

“Other way, Kevin.”

The human turned on his heel and continued his walk, nodding a thanks to Twilight as he passed her by.

---

After stepping through door of the library, Twilight experienced something rare for her. A situation so absurd it crossed the line twice and became serious once again. Spike stuck his head out of a door to greet her, drew his head back in, and promptly proceeded to come rushing through the door with wide eyes. She raised a hoof to silence his questions before beginning to speak.

“Spike, this is Kevin. He’s a human. Please bring me some parchment, ink, and a quill for a letter to the Princess as well as some extra.”

Raising an eyebrow in curiosity, Spike walked off to find the requested materials as Twilight directed Kevin to a seat and positioned herself behind a small desk. In a few moments, he returned with the necessary implements. Twilight quickly wrote a small prefix, then looked up at Kevin.

“Alright, your name is Kevin. Do you have a last name?”

“Kieran,” he answered somewhat offhandedly, looking bored.

“Okay, can you spell your full name for me?”

The human grinned slightly. “C-a-o-i-m-h-i-n K-i-e-r-a-n.”

Twilight stopped writing. “Run that by me again?” Kevin repeated the string of letters. Twilight blinked once in confusion, and Kevin grinned.

“K-e-v-i-n works as well,” he said. Twilight nodded and wrote it down.

“Now, can you tell me a little about yourself?” she asked.

“Really? You’re serious?” Twilight nodded. “Not much to tell. You’ve got my name. Twenty-two years old, lived in Glasgow all me life even though my family is Irish. I drink, I smoke, I curse, and I fight.”

“You mentioned your teeth were false?”

Kevin grinned again, showing off the sharpened implants. “Yes ma’am.”

“Why did you get false teeth?”

The grin faded, replaced by a somewhat reserved expression. “That’s a real little tale right there. You sure you want to hear it?” Twilight nodded. “Some cheeky little fucker in a bar got a bit too mouthy, so I set about rearranging his face. His finger ended up in my mouth, so I decided to bite the thing off. His friends didn’t approve, and I had all my teeth yanked out for my trouble. Got ‘em replaced with pointy ones to remind him not to shove his fingers down my fuckin’ gullet next time we met.”

Twilight stopped writing again and stared at the human. Kevin stared back, keeping his gaze level.

“Are you serious?” the unicorn asked. He nodded. “You bit off his finger?” He nodded again. “On purpose?” Another nod.”I take it that’s why your friends call you Cannibal?” Kevin broke out in a massive grin, and Twilight sighed.

“Okay then. Do you know how you got here?” she asked, continuing her questioning to leave the topic of biting things behind.

“That little fuckpot Bobby laced my weed, and now I’m high as a kite,” Kevin answered in an annoyed tone. He had explained this to the unicorn already.

“How high you are aside, this is not a hallucination Kevin. I’ve told you this already,” said Twilight, equally annoyed.

“Well then,” Kevin began, standing up from his chair and waving his arms. “Let’s examine the facts as they exist. You cannot exist. Unicorns simply don’t fucking exist. It is that simple. Your little walking gay pride flag of a friend doesn’t exist. The pegasus is a creature from Greek mythology, it also does not fucking exist, it is also that simple. This is, of course, entirely aside from the fact that you are a talking purple pony that can levitate shit with her horn. This is not reality, it has never been reality, it never will be reality. So, I have established that you do not in fact exist. What are the alternatives, you ask? There is only one. You are some odd little part of my brain and I am imagining you. Simple!”

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the human. “Is there any way I can prove to you that I exist?”

“If you’re still here in twelve hours, I’ll accept you exist. Whatever the hell he fucked me with should wear off by then.”

Twilight nodded, finished her short note, and walked out of the room. There was a whooshing sound from the adjoining room, and she returned a moment later.

“Okay then. We’re done for tonight. There’s a second bed upstairs you can sleep in.” Twilight’s horn glowed for a moment, and a large hourglass appeared. The unicorn set it down, and the sand began to flow. “This will measure exactly twelve hours. Follow me.”

The human grunted before obeying the unicorn, climbing a small flight of stairs and equally small ladder before climbing in to a bed that was slightly too small for him and passing out.

Comments

[Solo Wing]

Absolutely hilarious. This, my good sir, deserves a .