"My name is Kevin, and I'm twenty-two years old. Walking home one night, some ^($&er called The Creator sucked me into some sugar-bowl hellhole called Equestria, full of talking magical *#$^ing ponies. I mean, what the hell man. I must be ^&$^ing cooky."
Warning: If cursing, glaring stereotypes, and total disrespect for anything and/or anyone in the name of mockery offends you, this aint the story for you.
Twilight Sparkle was sitting in her library, behind her desk, reading a book. In the lavender unicorn’s world, all was well and good. Engrossed by a fascinating deconstruction of the Chaos Theory, the unicorn failed to notice the flash of light that came through her window. The tremendous boom that came echoing through shortly after, however, caught her attention quite well. Picking herself up from the floor, the unicorn raced to the window to see a fading light over the Everfree Forest. Yelling for Spike to send a letter to the Princess, Twilight rushed out the door to gather her friends.
Deep in the forest, an owl watched as a set of brilliantly green but slightly bloodshot eyes searched their surroundings. Connected to these eyes was a curious, hairless face. Connected to this face was a strongly built body. Wandering about, this strange creature wondered at this sudden turn of events. It had been walking peacefully, heading for home after a hard day’s work, when a voice had called out “mind that bus!”
The creature had time only to wonder “what bus?” before he was from his home untimely ripped.
Now in this strange new locale, the creature was understandably annoyed. Reaching in to a pocket, the beast pulled forth a strange white and brown tube and an odd metal contraption. Placing the tube in its mouth, the beast flicked its metal contraption and fire rose from it to ignite the tube. Wisely deciding that a creature with such strange magic could only mean trouble, the owl gently flew away, intent on distancing itself from this new monster.
Back in Ponyville, six friends assembled in the main room of Twilight’s library as Spike belched out a reply to Twilight’s earlier letter. Twilight read the brief letter aloud for the benefit of the small group.
“Dear Twilight Sparkle, there was indeed a disturbance in the Everfree tonight. I felt it even here in Canterlot, despite the magical protections in place around the palace. I must request that you and the other Elements investigate this and report your findings to me. Signed, Princess Celestia. Okay girls, we know what we have to do!”
Twilight sounded confident, and indeed her body language radiated self-assuredness as she walked out the door, but her friends exchanged nervous looks and gulps before following the young unicorn.
Some minutes later, a group of six stood prepared to enter the eldritch location that was the Everfree.
“Are you sure this is a good idea sugarcube?” piped up Applejack, swallowing nervously.
“We’ve been asked by the Princess to investigate. We can’t disappoint the Princess!” exclaimed Twilight in an oddly cheery way.
“Darling,” began Rarity, “as much as I agree that disappointing the Princess would be a terrible thing, perhaps wandering alone into the Everfree Forest at night is an understandable exception?”
“You’ll fight an army of changelings but you think going in to a forest is a bad idea?” deadpanned Twilight.
Rarity shook her head in mild exasperation. “Twilight, dear, those were extenuating circumstances! Canterlot was being invaded! Sensing a disturbance in the forest isn’t really a comparable scenario.”
Fluttershy eep’d quietly in agreement, having lost her voice to fear.
“This was no simple disturbance Rarity,” Twilight intoned, “it was as if a thousand trees cried out in terror... and were suddenly silenced.”
“Come on guys, we’ve been in there before,” chimed in Rainbow Dash. “We know what’s in there. What’re we gonna find, some monster from another world?“
“Ooh! Ooh! Maybe it walks on two legs! And has no hair!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, bouncing in place as was her fashion.
Twilight Sparkle chuckled. “I’m sure it’s just a simple magical phenomenon. Let’s go girls.”
Twilight began to trot down the path, nervous friends in tow. As they walked, Twilight continuously scanned their surroundings with a low level spell to warn them of any danger. The friends wandered the path for nearly an hour before Twilight’s horn flared slightly, indicating that they had found something. Before they could investigate what that something was however, it found them.
“Where in all the ages of bloody fuckin’ hellfire am I?!?” came a scream, not ten feet from the surprised ponies. Shortly after, a monster came barrelling through the thick vegetation. Upon seeing the ponies, the monster stopped dead and stared, jaw open.
The ponies returned the favour, shocked out of comprehension. Twilight, ever methodical, made mental notes as to the appearance of the creature. It was tall, around a foot and a half taller than herself. Broad as well, even more so than Big Macintosh. Oddly, the creature seemed to have no meaningful hair and did indeed stand on two legs. Even more oddly, it appeared to have something burning in its mouth.
Mouth. The monsters front teeth were sharp, extremely so. Having gathered all of this information in roughly one half of one second, Twilight finally reacted. Quite sensibly, given the situation, she screamed. The monster screamed back.
Rainbow Dash was the next to react. Not having a mind as fast as Twilight’s, Rainbow acted on instinct and launched herself toward the beast. Showing admirable reflexes, the creature spat the burning thing in its mouth at the prismatic pegasus and threw himself to the side. The small ember on the tip of the thing found its way directly in to Rainbow’s mouth, where it burned merrily away as she breathed. Noticing a source of immense heat in her now smoking mouth, Rainbow spat several times and scraped her tongue with a hoof in an attempt to stop the pain. Not paying attention to her direction of flight, the pegasus collided with a tree and fell to ground in a daze.
Fluttershy was next. The gentle pegasus gave voice to one small eep before fainting.
Now came Applejack. The ever dependable farmpony ran at the prone creature with intent to buck it in to the next century, but was surprised when the creature frantically rolled towards her. Taken aback, she stopped long enough for the beast to whip up a strangely shaped foot in to her chest. The foot, seemingly even harder than her hooves, thumped firmly over a lung, driving the air out of her and leaving her gasping for breath.
Twilight, finally regaining some sense of composure, quickly wrapped the beast in a telekinetic grip and lifted it off of the ground. Looking around for a moment in shock, the beast saw Twilight with her horn aglow and dropped its jaw again. After a short moment of silence, the creature began to bellow at the unicorn in a thickly accented voice.
“Put me right the fuck down you little witch! Whatever fuckin’ kind ‘o creature you may be I swear I will turn you into a goddamned burger!”
Jerking back from the unexpected volume the creature produced, Twilight made another mental note about the violence of the beast. A split second after, she realised something. “You can talk?” the unicorn sputtered.
The colour drained from the beasts face. “You can talk?!?”
“Of course I can talk!” exclaimed Twilight. “All ponies can talk!”
Much to her surprise, the creature burst out laughing. “Bobby boy, I don’t know what the fuck you fed to me this time but this is the craziest fuckin’ trip I’ve ever had!”
“Who’s Bobby?” Twilight muttered to herself, slightly unnerved by this strange beast. “Okay,” she began again, in a louder tone, “who and what are you?”
The creature stopped laughing and appeared to collect itself before replying. “Now why in the seven holy circles of hell would I answer a question a figment of my bloody mind asked me?”
Twilight cocked her head in confusion. Was this creature insane? “Figment of your mind?” she began, “I assure you I am completely real.”
The creature laughed its harsh, grating laugh again before replying. “Right. Peachy fuckin’ keen. I’m floatin’ here, bein’ held hostage by a little purple unicorn who just so happens to talk? Well, in the interest of havin’ a grand ‘ol time my name’s Kevin, friends call me Cannibal and enemies call me bastard. Pleased to meet you, little witch bitch unicorn thing!”
Twilight bristled, her coat standing on end. “I am not witch bitch unicorn thing, my name is Twilight Sparkle. I’m pleased to meet you as well, Kevin. Now that I know who you are, what are you?”
“Why my dear Twilight, I am a human!” Kevin exclaimed dramatically. “You know, homo-sapiens? Person man dude fucker thing?”
Before Twilight could respond, Pinkie Pie began to ramble on at a truly biblical pace.
“Hi Kevin how are you was the trip fun what colour was the bus why do your friends call you Cannibal what’s a bastard what’s a human why don’t you have any hair or any fur what’s with the teeth hi I’m Pinkie Pie!”
Twilight dropped the human out of sheer shock at the pink party pony’s motor mouth method of conversation. Hitting the ground with a dull thump, Kevin didn’t as much as grunt. He simply stared at this new menace with undisguised amusement. Turning to Twilight Sparkle, he mouthed a silent question to the more sensible pony.
“What hellish part of my mind created that demon?”
“She’s real too!” Twilight mouthed back.
Kevin gave the unicorn a manic grin before turning back to Pinkie Pie, who was now only inches from his face. “In order,” he began in a rushed tone to match Pinkie’s, “I am fucked up the trip is goin’ grand what bus you don’t want to know why a bastard is me and a bastard I am and so is a human I don’t have any hair ‘cause I shave it the teeth are fake and pleased to meet ya Pinkie!”
The human tried to take a moment to catch his breath. Before he had the chance, the pink demon leapt on him with a wordless cry of joy and drove him onto the ground in a hug. Kevin laughed again, still treating the scene as some sort of game. Before Twilight could react to the somewhat disturbing image, Rainbow Dash popped into her vision, blistered tongue hanging out of her mouth.
Rainbow frantically gestured at the offending muscle of the mouth with a hoof, directing an attack of puppy dog eyes of such ferocity as to make even the coldest soul to weep at the unicorn. Nodding in understanding, Twilight cast a simple healing spell to remove the painful blister from her pegasus friend’s tongue. As soon as her tongue was healed, Rainbow turned and shot herself at the still laughing human.
“What’s the big idea chump?” she spat out after body checking Pinkie off of the creature. “That thing you spit at me hurt!”
To his credit, Kevin simply smiled back. “If you’ll remember my little feathered friend, you attacked me. Count yourself lucky I didn’t kick you!” he said, rapping his knuckles across his oddly shaped feet for emphasis.
“Thinkin’ of kickin’,” came Applejack’s voice, “how they hay is your hoof so hard?”
“Hoof?” the human asked, confused. “Ah, my foot. It aint my foot that’s hard, it’s my boots. Steel toe.” Standing, he walked over and kicked a small rock to show what he meant. With a solid thunking sound, the rock sailed off in to the trees. “Now,” the human began again, “This little trip won’t last forever, do I get to have some fun while I’m here?”
Twilight shook her head again. “I’m not sure what you mean by a trip, Kevin.”
The creature blinked once. “Hallucination,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone.
Now Twilight blinked. “I already told you, this isn’t a hallucination. I’m perfectly real, so are my friends, so is the forest around you.”
Rather than verbally respond, Kevin pulled out another of his strange tubes and lit it with his odd contraption. Seeing the confused and vaguely afraid looks on the pony’s faces, he chuckled a little. “Aint any of you ever seen a cigarette?” he asked.
The group collectively shook their heads.
“Ah,” he began, “well then. Stick it in your mouth, light it up, and inhale. Wanna try?” he asked, a vaguely malicious tone in his voice. Rainbow Dash, perhaps to restore some of her slightly cracked pride, trotted up. Kevin put the cigarette to her lips, and she inhaled hard.
Kevin, knowing what was likely to happen, yanked the cigarette away before too much smoke reached her lungs. A short moment later, the pegasus was hit with a hard coughing fit. The rest of the group began to look worried, but Kevin just laughed.
“First time cigarette is a real kick from a mule, aint it?” he managed to choke out past his laughter. Still coughing heavily, Rainbow shot the human a glare that could have cracked stone. Kevin just laughed harder, stomping his foot in glee.
“Will she be alright?” Fluttershy asked quietly, nervousness evident in her tone.
“Oh, she’ll be fine in a minute,” answered Kevin, starting to calm down a little. True to his word, by the time he stopped laughing Rainbow had stopped coughing.
“Okay, perhaps we should go back to Ponyville?” asked Twilight. “We need to report this to the Princess. Kevin, you should come with us.”
“Ponyville?” Kevin asked in an incredulous tone. “You live in a town called Ponyville? Oh fuck it, sure. Let’s be off then!” With that, Kevin began to stalk down the path.
“Other way, Kevin.”
The human turned on his heel and continued his walk, nodding a thanks to Twilight as he passed her by.
After stepping through door of the library, Twilight experienced something rare for her. A situation so absurd it crossed the line twice and became serious once again. Spike stuck his head out of a door to greet her, drew his head back in, and promptly proceeded to come rushing through the door with wide eyes. She raised a hoof to silence his questions before beginning to speak.
“Spike, this is Kevin. He’s a human. Please bring me some parchment, ink, and a quill for a letter to the Princess as well as some extra.”
Raising an eyebrow in curiosity, Spike walked off to find the requested materials as Twilight directed Kevin to a seat and positioned herself behind a small desk. In a few moments, he returned with the necessary implements. Twilight quickly wrote a small prefix, then looked up at Kevin.
“Alright, your name is Kevin. Do you have a last name?”
“Kieran,” he answered somewhat offhandedly, looking bored.
“Okay, can you spell your full name for me?”
The human grinned slightly. “C-a-o-i-m-h-i-n K-i-e-r-a-n.”
Twilight stopped writing. “Run that by me again?” Kevin repeated the string of letters. Twilight blinked once in confusion, and Kevin grinned.
“K-e-v-i-n works as well,” he said. Twilight nodded and wrote it down.
“Now, can you tell me a little about yourself?” she asked.
“Really? You’re serious?” Twilight nodded. “Not much to tell. You’ve got my name. Twenty-two years old, lived in Glasgow all me life even though my family is Irish. I drink, I smoke, I curse, and I fight.”
“You mentioned your teeth were false?”
Kevin grinned again, showing off the sharpened implants. “Yes ma’am.”
“Why did you get false teeth?”
The grin faded, replaced by a somewhat reserved expression. “That’s a real little tale right there. You sure you want to hear it?” Twilight nodded. “Some cheeky little fucker in a bar got a bit too mouthy, so I set about rearranging his face. His finger ended up in my mouth, so I decided to bite the thing off. His friends didn’t approve, and I had all my teeth yanked out for my trouble. Got ‘em replaced with pointy ones to remind him not to shove his fingers down my fuckin’ gullet next time we met.”
Twilight stopped writing again and stared at the human. Kevin stared back, keeping his gaze level.
“Are you serious?” the unicorn asked. He nodded. “You bit off his finger?” He nodded again. “On purpose?” Another nod.”I take it that’s why your friends call you Cannibal?” Kevin broke out in a massive grin, and Twilight sighed.
“Okay then. Do you know how you got here?” she asked, continuing her questioning to leave the topic of biting things behind.
“That little fuckpot Bobby laced my weed, and now I’m high as a kite,” Kevin answered in an annoyed tone. He had explained this to the unicorn already.
“How high you are aside, this is not a hallucination Kevin. I’ve told you this already,” said Twilight, equally annoyed.
“Well then,” Kevin began, standing up from his chair and waving his arms. “Let’s examine the facts as they exist. You cannot exist. Unicorns simply don’t fucking exist. It is that simple. Your little walking gay pride flag of a friend doesn’t exist. The pegasus is a creature from Greek mythology, it also does not fucking exist, it is also that simple. This is, of course, entirely aside from the fact that you are a talking purple pony that can levitate shit with her horn. This is not reality, it has never been reality, it never will be reality. So, I have established that you do not in fact exist. What are the alternatives, you ask? There is only one. You are some odd little part of my brain and I am imagining you. Simple!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow at the human. “Is there any way I can prove to you that I exist?”
“If you’re still here in twelve hours, I’ll accept you exist. Whatever the hell he fucked me with should wear off by then.”
Twilight nodded, finished her short note, and walked out of the room. There was a whooshing sound from the adjoining room, and she returned a moment later.
“Okay then. We’re done for tonight. There’s a second bed upstairs you can sleep in.” Twilight’s horn glowed for a moment, and a large hourglass appeared. The unicorn set it down, and the sand began to flow. “This will measure exactly twelve hours. Follow me.”
The human grunted before obeying the unicorn, climbing a small flight of stairs and equally small ladder before climbing in to a bed that was slightly too small for him and passing out.
Kevin heard voices. Strange, unfamiliar voices. Used to such occurrences after a night of being less than sober, he kept his eyes shut and breathing steady, and he began to listen in to the conversation taking place not five feet from the bed he was in.
“You mean to tell me he seriously believes he is hallucinating?” asked a somewhat motherly voice.
“Yes. He told me that if I was still here after twelve hours, he would accept my existence, but I’m not so sure. He seemed a little stressed every time I said I was real,” answered a voice that while unfamiliar seemed to ring a distant bell in his head.
“He has been ripped from his own world Twilight. It’s quite understandable that he be in denial.”
Hearing this, Kevin quickly opened his eyes and looked around. From what he could remember, he was in exactly the same room as he was when he passed out. A glance toward the source of the voices confirmed his fears. Standing there was a small purple unicorn, and beside her stood a much taller winged unicorn. The human, unable to accept this shock to his system, promptly closed his eyes and put his head back on his pillow.
There was some mumbling, and then the motherly voice came again. “Come now Kevin, surely we can discuss this as rational beings?”
The human simply shook his head, screwing his eyes shut even tighter.
“Just because you cannot see me doesn’t mean I am not here. I assure you, should you make this a waiting game I will win.” The motherly voice held a slight lilt to it now, vaguely mocking. The human refused to respond. “Twilight, please leave the room for a moment.” There was the sound of hooves meeting wood, and a few moments later a door closed.
Kevin abruptly found himself subject to a rough and cursory inspection from what felt like several small hands. Kevin still staunching refused to respond, up until one of the phantom hands roughly poked a rather... personal area of his body.
“Bad touch, bad touch!” the human screamed as he leapt out of the bed, quickly placing himself in a corner.
“There now, wouldn’t it have been simpler to respond from the start? You don’t know me, I am Princess Celestia. I’ve been told you are Kevin, a human. Is that correct?” Kevin nodded once, still wary of this new threat. “Are we back to silence now? I’m perfectly willing to wait; I have all the time in the world.”
“Okay then Princess,” Kevin began after a few moments, tone venomous, “question. The fuck do you want with me?”
If the Princess was offended by Kevin’s language, she didn’t show it. “Only to fulfill my responsibilities as one of Equestria’s rulers. It is my task to ensure you are not a threat to my little ponies.”
“And if I am a threat?” Kevin ventured somewhat nervously.
“Then it falls to me to ensure you’re no longer a threat.” The tone of voice the Princess used hadn’t changed, but the light lilt was gone and her eyes were cold. The message was obvious.
“Right then. Allow me to introduce myself properly. My name is Kevin, and I am a man of wealth and taste.” The human bowed grandly to punctuate his statement, and was rewarded with a small fit of suppressed giggles.
“Unfortunately not one of sophistication, it seems. Unless it is customary in your culture to spout maledictions at royalty?” the Princess replied, the lilt returning to her voice.
“In my culture we curse at anything that talks, royalty or no. Keeps the tension down, ya know?” Kevin replied, nervousness still evident in his tone despite his words.
“You need not fear me Kevin. I will allow no harm to come to any creature in my kingdom, among which you are counted.”
“Yes well beg pardon but twenty-four hours ago all was well and good in my world, and now I’m in some alternate fucking dimension. That pegs my weird shit o’ metre right up to eleven,” Kevin responded, tone shifting to a vague annoyance.
“That is quite understandable,” the Princess began. “To be fair, I must give you credit for not simply screaming and running. That was my expectation.”
“I’m still not sure if I’m just hallucinatin’ or insane or some shit. No sense panickin’ yet,” the human replied.
Celestia lifted a single eyebrow. “There is more wisdom in that statement than I think you know.”
Kevin grinned slightly. He was in his element now, and if he played his cards right he could take control of the conversation. “Maybe there is, or maybe I know exactly what I’m talking about.”
Celestia chuckled under her breath. Here was a creature that didn’t treat her as some kind of wrathful goddess, and she was greatly enjoying it. “You wish to play a game with me, Kevin?”
The human mentally cursed himself. He wasn’t used to dealing with anyone with any real intelligence. “Maybe, if I know all the rules,” was all he said aloud.
The Princess smiled at him. “Come, let us walk. If I see where you entered this world, perhaps I can send you home. I will explain the rules on the way.”
Kevin’s eyes lit up. Home would be good, he decided. He needed to go back to the forest anyway; he had forgotten his backpack hanging on a tree branch. A thought crossed his mind and caused him pause, however. “You want me to walk through a town of you little ponies? That’d cause a right little scene I bet.”
Celestia chuckled lightly. “This town has seen stranger things than you. Some may be alarmed, but my presence will lead them to believe you’re harmless.”
“Let’s be off then,” replied Kevin with a shrug.
Walking through Ponyville, Kevin almost wished the little ponies were afraid of him. Perhaps it was only the company of the Princess, but the ponies seemed to be almost obscenely curious. Every time the human rounded a corner, he would find all the activity in the street grinding to a halt as more and more of the little demons stopped to gawk at him. It made him feel like an animal in a zoo.
After several minutes of suffering this in silence, the human decided to amuse himself. Every time a pony stopped to stare at him, he responded with a toothy grin underneath glaring eyes. The effect was indeed quite amusing to him. The ponies little semi-human face's would pale and their eyes would suddenly find themselves busy staring at the nearest rock or cloud, occasionally one would even run. He was sure he saw one group of three ponies faint.
“One would expect a guest in my kingdom to make some effort to show good will toward my subjects I think,” murmured Celestia, voice quiet but firm directly in Kevin’s ear.
Kevin felt his lips tug upwards, but denied himself the smile. “The way I see it, them treatin’ me like a circus animal means I get to creep ‘em out.”
Celestia responded with a raised eyebrow before deciding to distract the human. “You wished to know the rules of the game?” Kevin mumbled something affirmative. “So be it. First, we work out a wager of some sort. Then, we set the goal. It would be unfair of me to use my magic or wings, and so I shall not in any meaningful way. Basic telekinesis only, to compensate for my lack of hands.” Kevin nodded, it sounded fair so far. “Neither of us may speak an untruth, though deception is allowed. “
Kevin snorted. “So we’re playin’ at being faeries now?”
Celestia offered a small grin. “Precisely. The Fae are ever such an interesting folk, and since you seem to have at least a passing familiarity with how they operate, I won’t explain that rule any further. I have no further rules to add. Do you?” Kevin shook his head. “We need a wager. Any propositions?”
Kevin grinned. “That magic o’ yours is real handy...” he ventured.
“Oh my...” responded Celestia. “You wish a measure of magic if you win? That is difficult, but not impossible. It will be different from what you’ve seen so far, but it will be functional magic.”
“Different how?” Kevin asked.
“You are a non-magical being,” Celestia began, “this means your body has no natural store of magic to draw upon. Should you receive the ability to use magic, you will draw power in from your environment, slowly. That power would be stored in your body until used. You would need an outlet for this power if you didn’t make frequent use of it, but that is quite simple. Any unicorn could assist you by channelling your power from you and into their own body.”
“And if I don’t vent it?”
Celestia cringed. “It would vent itself. To put it simply, you would begin to literally leech pure magic. Not harmful in any real way, but it is an unpleasant process. Rather painful. Usually, it manifests as intense headaches. I also must add that there are laws regulating the use of magic in Equestria, you will be bound by them as any other creature in my lands.”
Kevin nodded. “Worth it. What’s my side of the bargain?”
Celestia fell silent for a moment, thinking. “Your culture,” she eventually responded. Noticing Kevin’s confused expression, she explained. “You are a very different being from me or my subjects. I would wager the gift of magic against all the knowledge you have about your culture. History, the arts, what you may know of science, and anything else I deem relevant.”
“Done, done, and done,” Kevin replied, promising thrice in the style of the Fair Folk. Celestia noticed this, and chuckled.
“Perhaps you know more of The Fae than I thought if you are already promising in their custom. You should also know, however, that a bargain with them is truly binding. My bargain is the same, should you renege on your promise it will be treated as a crime. If this is unacceptable, I’m willing to release you from our pact. If you accept, we shall decide on our goal.”
“I accept,” Kevin said cheerfully. In his mind, this bargain was a win-win scenario; he could lose nothing of value but had the potential to gain much.
“Then all that remains is to set the goal,” Celestia said, the lilt in her voice back in force. “A physical contest would be unfair, as even without my wings I have every advantage. A battle of wits would also be unfair-“
Kevin cut her off with a sharp glare. “Are you callin’ me simple?” he asked, indignant.
“Kevin, I am an immortal. I have hundreds of generations of practice and knowledge in mind games, and I have often found myself in contest with creature such as The Fae. Can you claim similar experience?” Celestia deadpanned.
“Nope,” he answered, “but all the same I don’t take kind to the idea. Mind games it is.”
Celestia shook her head, but couldn’t help a small grin from forming. This creature was alien to her in many ways, but reminded her of her sister in many others. “So be it. I propose a game of riddles, since it fits our rules so well. First to guess three riddles wrong loses. Agreed?” Kevin nodded. “I shall begin. I am the one who cold iron burns, whose realm is that of winter and wind.”
Kevin thought for a moment, creasing his brow in silent contemplation. “The queen of the winter court of the Fae,” he answered at length. Celestia nodded, eyes slightly widened in surprise. “I read the books sweetheart. My turn. Iron body and iron heart, I am the steed with no life of my own,” posed Kevin, resisting the urge to laugh at his underhanded tactic.
“A train,” Celestia answered confidently, and nearly instantly to the humans dismay. Kevin scowled furiously at the ground, but nodded his head in affirmative. “Flowing forwards never backwards, I am constant and I erode all,” said Celestia.
Kevin snorted at the simple riddle. “Time,” he answered. Celestia nodded, mentally annoyed that she had severely underestimated the humans logic. “I am a great killer, and yet without me you would die,” shot back Kevin.
“There are multiple answers. Can you clarify?” asked Celestia.
Kevin nodded, and thought for a moment. “I am most of you,” he answered.
Celestia closed her eyes for a moment, thinking in silence. “Water?” she ventured. Kevin nodded again, and Celestia smirked in triumph. “I am constant, never changing, but beaten so easily by wings.”
“Gravity,” answered Kevin without hesitation, and Celestia nodded. Kevin thought for a moment before posing his next riddle. “I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation and I surround every place.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. The game was starting to get interesting.”Entropy?” she asked after nearly a minute.
“Nope,” Kevin answered with a grin. “The letter E.”
Celestia thought of the words for a moment, and laughed. So simple to see when one knew the answer. “I drive stallions mad for the love of me, easily beaten I am never free.”
Kevin thought and thought, but no answer came to his mind. “Haven’t a clue,” he answered.
“Gold,” replied Celestia, mirth in her eyes. Kevin smacked the heel of his hand against his face, and muttered something unkind about himself while he thought of his next riddle.
Celestia and Kevin were nearing The Everfree, and the riddles had become increasingly complex. The game was nearly over, however. The next one who gave a wrong answer would lose the wager.
“How far can a blind dog walk in to a forest?” asked Celestia.
Kevin pondered this in silence. He had a grasp for Celestia’s riddles now, and knew she preferred more technical, logical conundrums. In time, he found an answer. “Halfway. After that, he’s walking out of the forest.”
Celestia turned away from the human, but nodded. Kevin grinned, and let loose a riddle he had been saving the entire game. “I lack much reason but often rhyme, I require logic to pass the time. To find the words to tell your kin, look for clues that lie within.”
Celestia thought, but not for long. “A riddle.” Kevin faltered in his step for a moment. That had been the last proper riddle he knew. Celestia noticed, and gave her riddle with a smug grin. “It may be given, not taken or bought. The sinner desires it, but the saint does not.”
Kevin stopped and turned to Celestia, his own smug grin firmly in place. “Me mother was Catholic sweetheart. When yer talking about saints and sinners, it can only be forgiveness.” Celestia nodded, and waited patiently for Kevin’s next riddle. If he had none, he would lose.
Eventually, he created one. “What work can you never finish?”
Celestia closed her eyes in thought, as was her habit. She had ideas, but none that seemed quite right. She stood there, eyes closed, for nearly five minutes. Eventually, she ventured an unsure guess. “Life?”
“Wrong!” yipped Kevin, doing a small jig for joy. “The answer, mah dear, is an autobiography!”
Celestia thought for a moment, and then dropped her jaw slightly. It was such an obvious answer, but she had allowed her own viewpoint to taint her logic. As an immortal, she never could finish the work that was her life, but all mortals would finish theirs. She grinned, accepting the loss in good grace. “Well done, Kevin. As was our wager, I will grant you use of magic. I hope you will allow me to question you on your culture outside of our bargain if I can’t send you home, but you are under no obligation to do so.”
Kevin stopped his dance, and stared at the Princess. “Now why the hell would I do that when I could make you another bargain?” he asked, returning the Princesses grin.
“Well, I could just issue a royal command and you would be obligated to tell me...” Celestia muttered, carefully keeping her face blank.
“Aye, but you won’t,” replied Kevin. Noticing the Princesses slightly amused face, he explained. “You’re the easy-goin’ type, and you like games. You wouldn’t force me to tell you jack-all when you could have the chance at winnin’ it.”
“Are you so sure?” asked Celestia, purposefully making her voice hard and threatening. To his credit, Kevin didn’t even flinch before he nodded. “Aye then,” began Celestia, mocking Kevin’s thick accent. “You’d be right.”
Kevin grinned, but otherwise ignored the small dig. “Me bags in the forest somewhere, I’ve got to find it.”
Celestia chuckled. “No need. Come here a moment.” Kevin did as he was asked, and Celestia touched her horn to his shoulder and focused for a moment. Her horn lit up, and with a small flash Kevin’s bag appeared on the ground beside him. “This is it, I presume?”
Kevin blinked. That was a new one. “Yep,” he mumbled before opening the bag and sorting through to make sure everything was still there. Much to his surprise, the bag was lifted from his hands by the glow of Celestia’s magic.
“I apologise, but I must be sure you aren’t bringing anything illegal in to my kingdom. I’m sure you understand.”
In point of fact, Kevin did and was now desperately grasping at an explanation for some of the things in his bag. He watched, mind racing, as the Princess neatly laid out all of his possessions. His iPod and headphones, the rest of his carton of cigarettes, some spare lighter fluid, his straight razor, and finally a smaller black bag containing his... other smoking supplies. Celestia opened the bag, and out tumbled four joints, a Ziploc bag of loose marijuana, and a pack of papers. Celestia straightened out the small pile and then turned to Kevin with a raised eyebrow. “I think I understand what some of these things are, but I’d like you to explain everything for clarity.”
Kevin stepped up a picked up his iPod first. A quick check showed him it was still functional, had a full battery, and all of his vast collection of music was present. “This is an iPod,” he began to explain, “it stores music and plays it through these headphones.” To demonstrate, he walked over and placed an ear bud near Celestia’s ear and turned on the first relatively soft song he found. Celestia jerked her head away and stared at the small device.
“That is... strange. Something so small and yet it can store music? How many songs can it hold?” Celestia asked, one ear still ringing from the unexpected blast of sound.
“Hundred and sixty gigs,” answered Kevin, “which is one hell of a lot. Right now, I’ve got a few months worth of music on it.”
Celestia stared at the tiny device. Even to her that was a wonder, and the human was treating it like an everyday object. Perhaps she should have tried harder to win their game if this was the level of his cultures technology. Kevin next picked up the packs of cigarettes. “These are cigarettes. Simple little things.” Kevin demonstrated by taking his open pack and his lighter and lighting one up.
Celestia sniffed at the smoke, and wrinkled her nose. “Tobacco,” she began, “legal in Equestria but highly regulated and not very common. Pipes are the smoking method of choice here. I will explain the regulations on our return to Ponyville, if we both return.” Kevin nodded, and moved on to the next object.
He lifted the small container of lighter fluid and explained what it was, and Celestia nodded. Next was his first worry, the straight razor. Kevin opened the blade before he began to speak. “This here is a real little beauty, a straight razor. I use it to shave, and it’s sharp as hell. Don’t touch the blade if you don’t want to bleed.”
Celestia frowned, and plucked the small blade from the humans hand with her magic. She rotated the small object around, studying it intently, before lightly touching the sharpened blade to her leg. Moving the blade away, she was surprised to find a thin line of blood. “Very sharp indeed,” she began, passing the razor back to Kevin, “I would be very displeased if I should hear of this being used as a weapon.”
Kevin nodded in a reserved manner before closing the razor and moving on to the next object. He picked up the four joints and grinned nervously at the Princess. “These would be... uh, marijuana.” He paused, and Celestia noted his discomfort.
“I know what marijuana is Kevin. Don’t worry; it isn’t illegal for you to have.” The human let out a sigh of relief, but Celestia raised a hoof and he sucked it back in. “It is, however, even more regulated than tobacco. I’m unsure of your cultures use of it, but here some ponies brew it into a tea instead of drinking alcohol. Should I hear of you giving this to a minor, you would be in a great amount of trouble indeed.”
Kevin nodded, accepting the restrictions. “So you little ponies get stoned?” he asked, hoping to start a conversation.
“Stoned? That’s an interesting term. I suppose some of us do, on occasion. Some of us also use it as a medicine, and some others as religious tradition. What of your culture?” Celestia asked.
“Well, it aint quite legal where I’m from,” began Kevin. “People smoke it mostly to get high cause the government don’t hold to well with using it for medicine.“
Celestia raised an eyebrow, she seemed to do that a lot, and stared at Kevin. After a moment, Kevin realised what he had just admitted. “Fuck me...” he muttered.
“You’re willing to break laws then? A criminal?” asked Celestia, voice firm.
“I suppose I am,” answered Kevin, sensing that a lie wouldn’t go over well.
“Then allow me to make something clear. Equestria has very little crime, and I intend to maintain that standard. Should you remain here, you will abide by all Equestrian laws. Should you decide against that, then you will leave Equestria and never return. The rest of this world is not nearly so kind as Equestria, I would not expect you to survive for long.”
Kevin gulped. There was no sign of the happy Princess anymore. Celestia’s voice firm and cold, her eyes steeled. It was easy to see that this Princess took her duties very seriously, and her own opinions of a creature wouldn’t shadow her judgement. “Damn skippy ma’am, I’ll follow the law ma’am,” he eventually replied, bowing his head slightly in submission.
“Excellent!”
Celestia was beaming again, smile in place and voice musical. Kevin did his best to stop his hands shaking. He liked the Princess, but at the same time he was terrified of her. Such an affable personality, but there was cold steel hidden beneath. The human had the uncomfortable feeling that the Princess wouldn’t hesitate to kill him if she thought it was best for her subjects, and she would laugh and joke with him before she did.
“Now then Kevin, I believe our goal was to find where you arrived in Equestria?” asked Celestia.
“Yep. It’ll be where I left my backpack,” answered Kevin.
“That makes it simple then. Follow me, I know exactly where it is.”
Kevin nodded, packed up his few possessions, and followed the large winged unicorn into the forest.
Some ten minutes later, Kevin stared at the destruction he hadn’t noticed the night before. Trees with five foot thick trunks were snapped like tooth picks, the grass was white and crumbled with every step, and there were even a few dead animals in the circle of destruction. Celestia, for her part, gave a low whistle.
“I have rarely seen such intense magical damage. The grass and animals had the life literally sucked from them to fuel the spell, and the trees were broken by the back draft of your arrival. I’m sorry Kevin, but even if my sister, Twilight, and I worked together I highly doubt we would have the brute power to send you home.”
“So who the hell sent me here?” muttered Kevin, too shocked to fully clue in to what Celestia had said.
Celestia closed her eyes and frowned. “I would wager that it was The Creator. He is the only being I know of with this kind of strength.”
“And who the fuck is that?” asked Kevin.
Celestia hesitated for a moment before answering. “He is as his title. He creates, and we are his creations. He has been known to do things such as these before, for his own amusement.”
“So God,” snarled Kevin, “fuck that nonsense. There is no God.”
“I did not say God,” Celestia began again in a measured tone, “I said The Creator. He can’t really be called a god. A god meddles in everyday affairs, The Creator doesn’t. To be frank, The Creator made us and then kicked back to laugh at us, and when we fail to amuse him he provides us means to do so.”
Kevin snorted. “No different from the God people tried to sell me on back home.”
Celestia made an odd motion that could be considered a shrug. “You would have to ask him about such things.”
Kevin blinked. “Ask him? As in pray or some shit?”
“Not at all,” Celestia began cheerily, “If you wish, I can summon him when we return to Ponyville.”
Kevin blinked again. “You’re serious?”
Celestia smiled. “Of course. I know his true Name, I can call him whenever I please, and he is obliged to come. He may resist if he wishes, and should he do so he would easily overcome me, but he never has. He enjoys the opportunity to mock and torment ponies.”
“Sounds like a real charmer...” Kevin muttered.
“Much like you, in fact,” Celestia pointed out.
“Difference,” Kevin shot back, “I do not have god like powers. I’m just your average grade A asshole.”
“And if you did have such powers?” Celestia asked, eyes laughing.
“Give ‘em to me and we’ll find out,” was Kevin’s response, and Celestia shuddered.
“Absolutely not.”
Kevin just smiled, and walked off back towards Ponyville.
“So when do I get my magic?” asked Kevin during the walk back to Ponyville.
Celestia thought for a moment before answering. “When we return to Ponyville, I will begin preparations. It will take some time, magic can be very complex and this spell is exceedingly difficult. Actually, it’s one of only three or four I need to have a proper circle for instead of doing it all in my mind.”
Kevin almost laughed. “Circle? You’re telling me magic is done with circles and rituals and shit?”
“Some is,” Celestia began. “There are two forms of magic, evocation and thaumaturgy. Evocation is quick and relatively simple. Think or say the words, focus your power, and something happens. Levitation, lighting candles, calling a small gust of wind, that’s evocation. Thaumaturgy is more complex; you draw connections between things, make something happen on a small scale, and then give it the power to happen on a larger scale. When I brought your backpack to you, I used thaumaturgy. Usually that would require a circle, but it can be done without one if you have enough focus.”
Kevin laughed again. “Jesus Christ I’m in The Dresden Files. Do I get a staff and a robe too?”
Celestia looked confused for a moment, but quickly recovered. “You may wear a robe if you wish, I suppose, but a staff will likely be necessary. You will need to focus your power through something, after all.”
Kevin thought for a moment. “Does it need to be anything special?” he asked.
“No,” Celestia replied, “it can be anything. Basically, you need something to stand in for a unicorn horn. The specifics are your decision.”
Kevin grinned, he had an idea now. “Alright. Can you tell me a little more about magic?”
“Certainly,” said Celestia, beaming. “What would you like to know?”
“Let’s start with the rules you mentioned earlier,” Kevin said.
“They’re fairly simple. One, you may not use magic of any form to harm any pony. This includes everything from mind magic to telekinesis. Self defence is an exception. Two, you may not create something from nothing. That would lead to a destabilised economy, which is unacceptable. Alchemy is regulated, but allowed. Three, you may not summon certain creatures without express permission. There is a list of these creatures, which you will receive. Four, necromancy of any kind is strictly forbidden. Five, the use of magic in the commission of any crime will lead to stricter penalties, possibly including being stripped of your gift,” Celestia recited as if by wrote.
“Who enforces these laws?” Kevin asked.
Celestia levelled an even gaze at the human. “My sister and I. Personally.”
Kevin had the sudden feeling that the rules of magic were rarely, if ever, breached in Equestria. “Point made. What’s with the whole circles and shit?”
Celestia smiled again. It was beginning to worry Kevin how quickly she could switch from cold and threatening to cheery and friendly. “That is slightly more complicated. Any shape could be used, I suppose, but circles work the best because they have no edges. There is no angle where the shape is weak. That makes the whole process more energy efficient for thaumaturgy, and it makes it harder for a creature to break the circle when you summon them. It also has to do with tradition, circles have been used for millennia and so circles have been ingrained in pony’s minds. Ponies believe that circles are magical, and so they are.”
“Faith,” Kevin said. “You’re telling me faith has magical power?”
Celestia nodded. “Yes. A magical creature can fuel very powerful magic by faith alone.”
Kevin resisted the urge to snort. “Faith kills. I’ve seen men blow themselves to hell because of faith. Can’t trust a believer.”
“Is that what you believe?” Celestia asked innocently. Kevin scowled.
“I believe in reality, nothin’ else. No faith involved.”
“Semantics, Kevin. You believe in reality. You have faith that reality will continue along the same path it always has. Am I wrong?” asked Celestia.
“Well given the fact that two days ago reality was bonnie ‘ol Glasgow and today reality is wee little magic talkin’ ponies, methinks yes, you’re wrong,” Kevin snapped back.
“Ah, so you no longer believe this is a hallucination?”
Kevin hesitated for a moment. “Let’s not go there yet.”
Celestia nodded. “So be it, although you may wish to think of it. The Creator will likely be able to answer your questions when I summon him, if you can decipher his answers.”
Kevin borrowed a page from Celestia’s book and raised one of his shaven eyebrows. “Decipher his answers?”
Celestia laughed, but it wasn’t her normal musical laugh. It sounded almost bitter. “The Creator is the type to leave you with more questions than answers. He’ll lie or tell half truths that lead you to the truth. If he’s feeling generous, he may explain a situation in perfect detail from his perspective and leave you to translate that. He’s also fond of riddles.”
Kevin stopped walking, motioning for Celestia to stop as well. After a bare moment, comprehension dawned and his jaw dropped. “Damn you to hell!” he spat, “you played me like a fuckin’ deck of cards didn’t you?”
Celestia put on an innocent expression and raised her hoof to her chest as if to say, ”who, me?”
Kevin glared at her, and the Princess relented. “Yes. I didn’t expect to be able to send you home, and I suspected The Creators involvement. I knew that if I was right, you would likely want to speak with The Creator, and knowing how he can be I tested you. Had you lost our game, I would not have offered to summon The Creator for you to speak with. I would have spoken to him alone instead, and relayed the knowledge to you.”
Kevin’s expression darkened even farther, and his eyes seemed to get a little brighter. “Fuck. You.” He snarled, “I don’t appreciate being played for a fool.”
Celestia’s expression remained unchanged. “If you’ll think for a moment, you gained a great deal from this Kevin. I intend to fulfill my bargain and grant you the gift of magic, is that not more than a fair price for a simple test?”
“That aint the fuckin’ point,” Kevin practically screamed, “you made me think you might be able to send me home. You don’t know sweet fuck all about where I came from, do ya? There’s gonna be dyin’ done over me disappearing I’ll bet, and I know for damned sure people will bleed at least. My friends are gonna be the ones doin’ that dyin’ and bleedin’. Your lyin’ made me think that might not happen.”
Celestia made to respond, but Kevin cut her off with a sharp wave of his hand. “Now let’s think about me, personally. I’ve got the clothes on my back and some shit in a backpack, that’s it. Friends, gone. You played up the ‘ol motherly you can trust me bullshit, and I did. I fucking trusted you, cause I needed somethin’ to hold on to. So whadid you do? You fucked me. Go to hell.”
With that, Kevin slammed a solid right into Celestia’s jaw and stalked off, leaving a very surprised Princess sitting dazed on the road.
“Next time, account for temper...” Celestia muttered to herself as she watched the human walk away.
Kevin had murder on his mind. He stomped through Ponyville with a steady glare on his face and his lip curled in an expression of silent fury, terrifying the peaceful population as he went. He had his ear buds around his neck, and metal blasted from the small speakers. A cigarette was blazing merrily away in his mouth, his deep drags sending huge plumes of smoke from his mouth. The overall effect was one of a monster on a death march, looking for a kill. Kevin was fine with that.
Eventually he found himself in front of the library. Normally, he would have laughed at the literal tree house, but instead he nearly ripped the door off its hinges. Spike and Twilight stared at him, but he paid no mind. He walked through the first door he came to, and found a small and empty room full of stacked books. Taking a seat near the window so he could ash his cigarette, he began counting slowly under his breath.
“One... two... three...”
He counted to ten several times, and eventually managed to blunt the sharpest edge of his anger. Celestia had arrived by then, and he could hear voices through the closed door.
“I’m sorry Twilight, but I must ask you and Spike to leave the library until sundown.”
“Of course Princess, may I ask why?”
“I lost a wager with Kevin. I owe him the gift of magic.”
Kevin heard a sharp intake of breath, and sidled closer to the door to hear the rest of the conversation more clearly.
“But he’s a non-magical creature, isn’t he? It isn’t possible to give him magic.”
“Difficult, but not impossible. It’s a very complex and delicate spell, and the presence of a power as great as your own would likely be enough to unbalance the ritual.”
Another intake of breath, somehow sounding worried this time.
“Wouldn’t that mean...?”
Celestia’s gentle laughter filtered through the door. “Yes Twilight, it would mean a large expenditure of unrestrained magic, such as what happened in The Everfree Forest. Surely you can understand, then, why I would like you to leave.”
“Yes Princess. That shouldn’t take that long though...”
“This is your home, it’s only fair for you to know. I intend to summon The Creator. I suspected his involvement in this matter, and what I saw in the forest confirmed it. You have a summoning circle, do you not?”
“Yes. Through that door, under some books. It’s made of silver, and has a few enchantments on it. Nothing too complicated. Kevin’s in there right now though, and he looked angry when he went in.”
“He has good reason to be angry. Now, I’d like to begin the ritual as soon as possible.”
“Of course Princess. Come on Spike, we’re going to go visit Rarity.”
Hoofsteps, then the sound a door closing. Silence reigned for a moment. Kevin got to his feet and moved a few of the stacks of books, and found the circle Twilight had mentioned. The silver ring was nearly five feet in diameter, and the entire surface was covered in tiny engravings. Kevin’s eyes widened at the sight. He was no metal worker, but he understood how difficult it must have been to create such a thing. The door opened behind him, and the human turned to stare at focus of his anger.
The Princess stood there, looking apologetic. Her mouth was already half open, and so Kevin decided to listen to what she had to say.
“I owe you an apology Kevin. I didn’t understand there would be violence over your arrival here.”
“You didn’t bother askin’ either,” Kevin shot back. “You didn’t give two shits.”
“Guilty,” Celestia said sadly, “but it was necessary. I feel it fair to explain a level of manipulation you missed, as a measure of good faith.” Kevin’s eyes hardened, but he gave a short nod. “I intentionally revealed my testing to see how you would react, as another test. I would like to say you passed with flying colours, but I’m afraid I can’t.” Kevin grinned, still satisfied at the light throb in his right hand. “But, that is enough of such things. If you would please leave the room, I’ll prepare the spell to give you magic. I will call you when it’s ready. Please try to calm down while you wait, powerful emotions will make the process more difficult and potentially painful for both of us.”
Kevin didn’t reply, but he walked past the Princess and closed the door behind him. He settled down on a comfortable cushion and closed his eyes, breathing deeply and thinking happy thoughts to try and calm his mind. He also set apart a small portion of his mind to dwell on the repartitions he would ask for Celestia’s manipulations.
An hour later, Kevin was roused from his light doze by Celestia’s voice.
“I’m ready, Kevin.”
Kevin stood, joints cracking like gunshots as he did. After walking over and opening the door, his jaw dropped. There was a visible aura of pure power in the room, and the silver circle pulsed with energy. Several small objects stood around the circle, but he couldn’t make out what they were through the haze.
“Sit in the circle, please.”
Kevin did as he was told, unnerved by the thickness of the air in the room.
“Stay still and stay silent. This may be frightening, but you will not be harmed.”
Celestia closed her eyes, and began to mutter words under her breath. Her horn lit up after several moments, and when it did Kevin could feel some invisible force slam the circle closed. Her voice rose as she continued to chant words, and eventually he could make out what she was saying.
“Dona ei potestatem, Dona ei potestatem...”
Kevin noticed something weird. As the Princess chanted, her voice seemed to thrum with power. He knew she was still speaking very quietly, but he could hear her plain as day. Unless he missed his guess, that voice would carry through walls as easily as it did air.
Celestia continued to chant for several minutes, voice steadily growing louder and her horn glowing more brightly. Kevin began to feel something leeching through his skin, and he resisted the urge to run. Eventually Celestia snapped her eyes open, and stared directly in to Kevin’s eyes. He flinched. The Princesses eyes were pure white, and they were glowing. It made him acutely aware of how dangerous she could be if she felt the need. Something seemed to pass between them, and Kevin felt a physical force wash over him. Celestia feel silent, the circle darkened, and the power in the room seemed to be sucked in to the small area and then in to him. It was an uncomfortable feeling, but not painful.
Celestia shook her head before speaking. “It is done. I need to rest a short while before I summon The Creator, but I can walk you through your new abilities as I do. Come with me.”
Celestia walked out the door, and Kevin rose to follow. As he did, he noticed he felt younger, and stronger. He was fairly certain he was weak, magically speaking, but he felt like a king compared to how he had a few minutes ago. Walking through the door, he turned to look for Celestia and found her sitting on the same cushion he had been on as he waited. The Princess smiled at him as he walked over to her.
“I imagine you must be feeling quite energized right now, Kevin. That is magic.” The Princess’s horn glowed, and a candle appeared on the table. “You’re older than most unicorns are when they first discover their magic, so it should come quickly to you. Your first task is to light this candle. To do so, simply focus on it and speak a phrase you connect with the act. I would recommend a language you don’t use or fully understand, it helps to avoid accidental castings and after effects from spells gone wrong.”
“That simple?” Kevin asked, incredulous. “No wand? No fancy movin’ about?”
“That simple. Simple doesn’t mean easy however, as you will learn. This is a small act of magic, so your lack of a foci will simply make the spell a tiny bit more wasteful.”
Kevin nodded, and stared at the candle. He racked his brain for a moment, and then smiled. He pointed a finger at the candle and said clearly “Flickum Bicus!”
Nothing happened. Kevin frowned, and tried again. Still nothing. He turned to the Princess, who looked as if she had expected this.
“Focus, Kevin. You don’t want it to happen badly enough.” Her tone was mocking.
Kevin felt his earlier anger start to surface, and glared daggers at the candle before saying the words again. The a small orb of brilliant white flame shot from his finger tip and ignited the wick, which burned a cheery red.
“Ha!” the human laughed, “don’t want it badly enough my ass!”
“My words angered you, did they not?” asked Celestia, and Kevin nodded. “That anger gave you the focus you needed. It also fuelled the spell, which is why the flame was hot enough to burn white.” Her horn lit for a moment, and the candle went out. “Again.”
Kevin smiled, stared at the candle, and tried again. A small spark this time, but no real flame. Thinking for a moment about what Celestia had said, he allowed frustration to rise in his chest before trying again.
“Flickum Bicus,” he muttered, and he was rewarded with a small orb of plain orange flame.
Celestia nodded, and put out the small candle a second time. “Again.”
Hours later, Celestia rose from her cushion. Kevin lowered his arm and wiped some sweat off his brow. Lighting a candle seemed so simple, but after lighting it hundreds of times he felt drained.
“Good work Kevin. I will ask Twilight Sparkle to instruct you further, as well as help you to build a foci. Now it’s time to summon The Creator. I must ask you to remain silent until he addresses you, or it could be perceived as a challenge. If that happens, control of the circle will be shifted to you, and you don’t yet have the force of will necessary to keep it closed with a being of his power inside. Should he be released, the results could be... disastrous.”
Kevin nodded, and followed the Princess back in to the small room with the silver circle on the floor. Celestia carefully removed the small objects from the ring before opening the small cut on her leg from Kevin’s razor and allowing a few drops of blood to hit the silver. The small amount of blood seemed to spread over the metal until all of the small engravings glistened bright red, and Celestia stepped back.
After a quick check to make sure the circle was clear of obstruction, the Princess murmured a name three times under her breath. Kevin couldn’t make it out, but he supposed that was the point. Almost instantly, there was a loud crack and a pony appeared in the circle. Much to Kevin’s surprise, it seemed no different from any other pony. He seemed to be an average sized white Earth Pony stallion. The only things that stood out were his odd white hair streaked with a pale blue, and an ouroboros symbol on his flank. The stallion opened his eyes and looked around before raising a hoof and pressing it toward the circle. A bright light appeared over the silver ring, and his hoof stopped cold. It was a small motion, but Celestia’s knees nearly buckled as he continued to press against the invisible wall holding him in.
Satisfied after a second or so, the stallion lowered his hoof and looked toward Celestia. “It’s been a while, Celly,” he said, and his voice nearly drove Kevin to his knees. It wasn’t loud, but it held a heavy and undeniable weight within it.
“Indeed it has,” Celestia replied, “and I suspect you know why I have called you.”
“Always straight to business with you, whatever happened to common courtesy and polite conversation?” the stallion asked. “You drag me here from my work and don’t even offer me a polite hello.” Again the voice seemed to drag Kevin down.
“If I try to be polite, you’ll mock me. You know that as well as I,” Celestia replied.
The stallion laughed loudly before he replied. “Of course I do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy your hospitality. Of course, should I wish to leave you know you couldn’t stop me.” The stallion pressed his hoof against the circle again, this time leaving it there until Celestia fell to her knees. “See? Always remember that your power comes from me, Celly.”
Celestia stood wearily, sweat dripping from her brow. “What must I do in order to talk business with you, Creator?” she asked.
“Call your sister; I’ve missed her this past millennium. She never called me to the moon, for some reason.”
“I’ll make you a bargain,” replied Celestia, “we talk business now, I tell Luna to call you as soon as I return to Canterlot.”
“Swear it, and it is done.”
“I swear.”
The stallion smiled, revealing perfect white teeth. “Then, let us begin. You called me here because of the human I brought your world. You wish to know what the price is to return him back to his home. Trust me, you can’t afford it,” he said in a smug tone.
“Name it anyway,” Celestia demanded, and the stallion looked almost hurt.
“You don’t trust me? Shame on you. The price is your life, and your sisters.”
“Absolutely not!” Celestia sputtered, obviously offended by the idea.
“This is where I say ‘I told you so’ I believe,” the stallion replied, smirking now. “He, however, may make me a deal. May I address him?” he asked in mock politeness. Celestia nodded.
The Creator turned to Kevin, still smirking. “So, human, how are you enjoying your stay? Is Equestrian hospitality still as good as it once was?”
“My name isn’t human, it’s Kevin,” the human shot back.
“Of course, “the stallion said, “my apologies. Kevin Kieran.”
The Creator pronounced Kevin’s name precisely as Kevin did, and several things happened at once. First, a weight knocked Kevin to the floor. Then his breath stuck in his throat. Then a searing pain racked through Kevin’s body for a brief moment, before fading. Kevin found he could breathe again, and he shakily stood as he gasped for breath.
“Names have power, human. Perhaps I should call you mortal instead?” Kevin nodded, too afraid to speak. “Good. My deal is this: you live here until you understand why I brought you here. I will send you home then.”
Kevin narrowed his eyes. “You brought me here to amuse yourself, didn’t you?” he managed to stammer.
“Gracious no!” the stallion exclaimed, “although that is a wonderful side effect. Good right hook, by the way.”
Kevin turned to Celestia. “What do you think?” Celestia didn’t verbally reply, instead she shook her head. Kevin turned back to The Creator and said “No deal.”
The Creator shrugged. “So be it. Do you wish my name? We may renegotiate this deal at a later date if you desire.” Kevin nodded. “Vedavyasa,” The Creator said clearly, enunciating every syllable. “Say it thrice and I will come. I wouldn’t recommend trying to hold me in a circle; Celly can barely do so to any reasonable standard. You have my word I will not harm you.”
Celestia interjected from where she stood. “Do you give your word you will not harm any creature in my kingdom in any way?”
The Creator sighed, but he nodded. “If I must, but only if this particular mortal summons me. May I leave now?”
“No,” Celestia said firmly. “I’d like to know why he was sent here.”
The Creator raised both eyebrows. “What? You want me to explain that after offering a bargain with this mortal pertaining to that information? Do you think me a fool?”
“There is a difference between knowing and understanding. Also, I would note that he hasn’t accepted the bargain. Furthermore, I owe several favours to an enemy of yours. I would be inclined to forget that if you would explain.”
“Who?” The Creator asked, seemingly interested now.
“The Editor,” Celestia stated, a trace of triumph appearing in her voice.
The Creator hissed. “Done. I brought the mortal here because he has never had a fulfilling life. I can be altruistic at times, when the mood takes me.”
Celestia chuckled. “I doubt that is the entirety of your reason, but our business is done. I will tell Luna to summon you. You may leave.”
The Creator smiled, then disappeared with another echoing crack. Celestia turn to Kevin, her expression grave. “Well Kevin, I’d say you’re in a substantial amount of trouble now.”
“He gave you his name Kevin. His true name, for free. When he said that names have power, he wasn’t lying. You could summon him to you wherever you are, whenever you please. He wouldn’t have given you that power if he didn’t know you would need it.“
Kevin shrugged. “He wanted to make a deal, he gave me his name so I could tell him if I change me mind.”
Celestia shook her head. “No, Kevin. You could do that without his presence. All you would have to do is say the words aloud and he would know. Either you’ll need his help at some point, or he wants to talk to you without me present. Either way, he intends to take advantage of you in some manner.”
Kevin laughed. “He’ll find a tough nut to crack then, now that I know what he’s tryin’.”
Celestia sighed, weariness in her voice. “You don’t understand. He knows what will happen. Time may be linear for you and me, but he can be whenever he wishes. I suspect he’s already seen your entire life here in Equestria, however long that may be. He knows things we don’t. The odds are in his favour.”
“Well he should save his victory speeches for later,” Kevin muttered, “I’m not takin’ any bargain from him. I don’t trust him.”
“Good,” replied Celestia, “you shouldn’t. He’s never straight forward. In fact, he was being extremely direct today. Normally he would have refused business until we had talked for nearly an hour. He also didn’t try very hard to trick us. He has a plan, Kevin. You are a part of that plan. I would guess that sometime soon, you will need help. You’ll panic, and he’ll expect you to summon him. If you don’t, he’ll appear anyway. He’ll offer you exactly what you need, and name his price after the fact to try and force you to pay.”
“Well that’d be pretty fuckin’ low of him.”
“But it’s also perfectly in character for him. Fairness doesn’t concern him, only results. Underhanded tactics are his standard fare,” Celestia replied, sounding frustrated. Kevin guessed that she had learned all of this through experience.
“So what should I do then?” the human asked.
“Prepare yourself, “Celestia began, “do your best to ensure you won’t need his help. Stay out of trouble, legal or otherwise. Don’t push your magic too hard, or he’ll offer to make you more powerful, or maybe he’ll offer his knowledge of using magic. Try to find work, or he’ll offer money. Don’t give him any openings, or he’ll take them.”
Kevin snorted. “In other words, I’ve got to get properly paranoid.”
“Yes,” Celestia said with a chuckle, “that’s one way of saying it.”
Kevin’s eyes widened. “Fuck me!” he exclaimed, stomping his foot. Noticing Celestia’s confusion, he explained. “I had questions for that bastard, and I never asked.”
“I doubt he would have answered you,” Celestia began, “he seemed rather intent on leaving once you refused his bargain. He would have set his prices far too high.”
Kevin thought for a moment. “I need a drink,” he decided, “no, fuck that, I need a dozen.”
Celestia smiled, and nodded towards the door. The two exited the room, and as Celestia walked back over to her cushion her horn glowed. A large green bottle appeared on the table, a small glass on either side. Lowering himself to the floor, Kevin examined the bottle before removing the cork and taking an experimental sniff.
“Is this absinthe?” he asked. Celestia nodded, and Kevin poured two small measures of the pale green liquid. The two raised their glasses in a silent toast, and slugged them down. Kevin sputtered and coughed at the fire in his throat, but Celestia only smiled and licked her lips.
“I had this specially made for me a few decades ago, and the distiller surprised me by delivering nearly a thousand bottles. I’ve grown rather fond of it over the years.”
“Quite strong,” Kevin wheezed, much to Celestia’s amusement.
“Seventy-six percent alcohol by volume to be precise. Just enough to tickle the throat, I find.”
“And you have how many bottles of this?” Kevin asked, his voice a little scratchier than normal.
“Several hundred I would say,” Celestia replied with a grin.
Kevin glowered. “I am so unspeakably jealous right now.”
Celestia nodded, and her horn glowed for a moment. Another bottle appeared, this one with an ornate green wax seal over the cork. “Consider this to be my apology for my manipulations.”
Kevin grinned in acknowledgement as he poured two more measures of the strong drink.
Twilight was tired. Her visit to Rarity’s boutique was nice, but the fashionista pony always insisted on her friends trying on several dozen dresses as they talked. The sun was beginning to set, and right now Twilight wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep. When she opened her door, however, all thoughts of her nice warm bed quickly left her mind.
Celestia was chuckling, still sitting on her little cushion. Kevin was splayed out on the floor giggling incoherently to himself. She noticed a nearly empty green bottle on the table, and she groaned.
“Is that what I think is, Princess?”
Celestia nodded.
“You do realise he’s going to hate you in the morning right?”
Celestia giggled lightly, and nodded again before standing. “Yes Twilight, but it was his own decision to drink so much. I believe he grossly underestimated my alcohol tolerance.”
Twilight sighed. It was nearly impossible to get an Alicorn drunk; they simply processed their drinks too quickly. She remembered learning that lesson the hard way on her nineteenth birthday. “How did the ritual go?” she asked.
“Surprisingly well. Kevin seems to understand the basic workings of magic, and he has already formed his first spell. You are tasked with instructing him further, as well as helping him to build a foci. Please try to keep him away from the more dangerous types of magic; he’s demonstrated willingness for violence once already. I must return to Canterlot.”
After a series of polite goodbyes between Twilight and Celestia (with the occasional giggle from Kevin for good measure), the Princess disappeared in a flash of brilliant white light, leaving Twilight to take care of the drunken human. For his part, Kevin was doing his best to sing a song. She occasionally heard a glimpse of the tune, but the only words she could clearly make out were “drunken lullabies”.
She trotted over and prodded him with a hoof. No response. She said his name. No response. She continued to prod him and call his name for nearly five minutes until Kevin sprang up, stumbled, and nearly fell back down. After steadying himself, he determinedly staggered toward the door.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asked Twilight.
The human craned his neck around and treated Twilight to a deliriously happy grin. “A bar!”
“I don’t think so,” Twilight declared.
Twilight opened the door of the nearest bar to allow Kevin to stumble in past her, forcing down a sigh of resignation and frustration. The bar was almost full, only three cushions left at the far end of the room. Kevin made for them, and so Twilight followed. After a roundabout journey, they finally made it and sat down. Before Twilight could speak, there came a familiar voice from behind her.
“Twilight! I thought you were going home to get some rest?”
“Oh, hello Rarity. That was the plan, but then Kevin decided a bar sounded like a fun time,” the young unicorn replied.
The human giggled at the mention of his name, but said nothing.
“Ah, I see,” said Rarity. “Public intoxication, how uncouth.”
“Uncouth?” The human nearly yelled, “’S’not my fault I aint a prissy bitch.”
“Excuse me?” asked Rarity in a sweet tone, but the temperature around her seemed to drop several degrees.
Twilight coughed nervously.
“You ‘eard me,” Kevin said, “or do you prefer stuck up cunt?”
Twilight froze, along with every other pony within hearing distance.
“Kevin,” Twilight ventured, “maybe you should be a little more respectful?”
The human chuckled, but kept his eyes glued to Rarity. “Respect’s earned, not given. Way I ‘member it, this little thing was too bloody terrified to say a word last time I saw her. I don’t respect cowards.”
Twilight opened her mouth, but Rarity cut her off with a wave of her hoof. “Coward? Dear sir, this coward has been involved in saving Equestria on no less than three occasions. Surely that deserves respect?” Kevin snorted, but said nothing. “Hmph. A barbarian such as yourself surely wouldn’t understand. I see I’ll be best appreciated elsewhere. Farewell.” With that, Rarity turned and stalked over to another group of ponies.
“That was a bad idea,” muttered Twilight. Kevin looked at her with what could be considered confusion, and so she explained. “Rarity doesn’t look like it, but she’s a fighter. First night I met her, she bucked a manticore in the face. I’ve seen her take on six changelings at once and take them all down without using magic.”
Kevin chuckled. “And? When’s the last time she stared down the barrel of a gun? Or had someone go at her with a knife? Show ‘er some real fightin’ and she’ll lose it.” Kevin reached in to his pocket and took out his straight razor. “This little beauty’ll scar her for life if she fucks with me.”
Twilight glared at the human, and plucked the razor from his hand with her magic. There was a small flash, and the razor disappeared. “Only if you go back to the Library and find it,” she replied.
Kevin looked annoyed, but shrugged. “Aint worried,” he mumbled, but Twilight noticed his eyes never left the general direction of Rarity.
“Heeeyyyy Twilight Sparkle! There’s my mare!” called out a voice. Kevin and the unicorn both turned to find another white unicorn walking towards them.
“Hello Vinyl,” Twilight replied, “are you the DJ tonight?”
“Nah” Vinyl answered, “just chillin’. Who’s monster boy here? He’s been the talk of the town all day.”
Kevin giggled at that. “Me name,” he answered before Twilight, “is Kevin.”
“Well Kevin,” Vinyl began, “watch your flank. Rarity is popular with the stallions around here. They’re gonna be pissed at you for talking to her like that.”
Kevin raised a fist threateningly as he answered. “Let ‘em come! Aint a Scotsman born that’ll back down from wee little ponies!”
A hoof tapped Kevin’s shoulder. He turned around to see a massive white pegasus with stunted wings standing there.
“YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
Kevin had time to blink before the tremendous example of a pony body checked him half way across the room. “You aint no wee fuckin’ pony!” he yelled, grabbing a bottle from the nearest table and throwing it sidearm at the colossal pony. It shattered against the stallion’s chest, and he looked down for a moment. Looking up, he smiled before swatting a bottle back at Kevin.
Kevin tried to duck and ended up falling flat on his face. He stayed there for a moment, but there was no sound of a bottle breaking. The human looked up to see the bottle held in midair halfway between him and the massive stallion, surrounded by a faint aura of blue magic.
Rarity walked over to the large stallion and glared at him. “Leave,” she said, and the stallion bowed his head and walked out the door. Rarity then turned to Kevin, who was scrambling to his feet. “You as well,” she said calmly.
Kevin shook his head, and Rarity narrowed her eyes. “Leave, or I shall remove you. Nopony here wants to deal with a drunken brute.”
Kevin grinned, raised a closed fist, and slowly raised his middle finger. Rarity looked baffled for a moment, and so Kevin verbalised his sentiment. “Fuck yourself. Or, to be more proper, fornicate yourself bitch.” Kevin settled himself into an approximation of a fighting stance, and pointed a single finger at the fashionista. He crooked his index finger in an unmistakable “come get some” gesture.
Rarity sighed, sounding almost sad, and sauntered over to stand in front of Kevin.
Kevin moved first, throwing a clumsy but strong right hook. Rarity barely moved to dodge the blow before stepping inside Kevin’s reach and shoving hard on his stomach with a hoof. Kevin started to fall backwards, and rocketed his left leg toward Rarity’s face to try and make her step back. She didn’t. Instead, she swung her still raised hoof down and met the steel toe of his boot. Kevin’s foot stopped with a resounding crack.
Kevin let out an oof as his back hit the ground, and he blinked at Rarity’s no-sell.
“I will ask once more. Please leave,” the unicorn stated, unnervingly calm.
Kevin raised his hands and stood, but as soon as he reached his feet he grabbed a random pony and shoved him into Rarity. “Round two!”
And so began the brawl.
Rarity lightly sidestepped the inbound pony, who crashed in to a table, knocking over several ponies drinks. The pony closest to him shoved him again, standing and growling a challenge. All across the room, friends of the involved ponies (and several ponies who simply appreciated Kevin’s attitude) stood and faced other ponies. For a split second, it was quiet.
Then hell found its place in Ponyville. Kevin spat in Rarity’s direction, and in response the white unicorn charged. All across the room ponies began throwing kicks and punches, some throwing bottles. Vinyl Scratch leapt on to the bar and screamed “R-R-R-Rumble!” before jumping down on to a random pony’s back and dragging her to the floor.
Kevin made to dodge Rarity, but the unicorn changed direction with nigh-unnatural speed and landed a heavy left hoof directly on Kevin’s chest. The human grunted and retaliated by grabbing and swinging a table at her. Rarity tried to step away, but the table was large and it impacted full across her side. Before he could attack the now downed unicorn, an earth pony stood in front of him. He was nearly as big as the white pegasus, but seemed to be much calmer.
“Eenope,” he said calmly before flicking his hoof and throwing another table directly at Kevin. The human had no time to do anything but wonder what just happened when the table smashed into him and knocked him down.
Frantically rolling away from the red behemoth, Kevin quickly found himself lost in a sea, or perhaps just a small pond, of angry ponies. At one point he dodged a pony yelling “check please!” before Vinyl came out of nowhere and body checked him through a window.
The DJ pony yelled “alright then!” before bouncing off into the crowd. Kevin eventually found his feet again and popped up. Immediately three quarters of the room stopped and stared at him. He had the sudden flash of insight that Vinyl had been correct. Rarity was very popular, and every single one of her friends in the building (aside from Twilight, out of sight behind the bar) was after his blood.
He ran through a quick mental checklist. Drunken bar fight? Check. Most of the crowd against him? Check. All he needed was his buddies and he would be home.
“Let’s go then!” he called, picking up a bottle and glancing around to see who would be coming after him first. Not a pony moved, aside from a few small fights still going on the far end of the room. “No takers?” he asked.
A hoof set on his shoulder again, this time dark blue. Kevin grimaced, and turned to find a very angry looking winged unicorn behind him. He idly noted a passing resemblance to Celestia before her horn lit up and everything went black.
Kevin heard voices again, and as before he kept his eyes closed and listened intently. He could hear two ponies holding a furiously whispered argument about who owed who a drink, a few indistinct voices from what he assumed was the other end of the room, and Twilight speaking to who he guessed to be Celestia’s sister.
“We are unsure, Twilight Sparkle.”
“I assure you Princess Luna, he meant no harm! He’s just very stressed, and possibly a little drunk.”
“We know. The spell We cast should remove the alcohol from his system by the time he wakes.”
“So that’s why I feel sober. Neat trick,” Kevin said, opening his eyes and sitting up.
“’Tis no mere trick. Thou will explain thy actions here tonight, human,” the Princess shot at him.
Kevin thought a moment before answering. “Someone hit me. I threw a bottle at him. Shit ensued.”
Luna’s eye twitched. “We have been informed that thou purposefully instigated conflict with Rarity.”
“Well, yeah.” Kevin answered. “Like I said, shit ensued. She tried to kick me out, I didn’t want to go.”
“And thou saw that as an invitation to combat?” Luna asked.
“Invitation hell,” Kevin laughed, “who needs an invitation to a good rumble eh?”
A few ponies throughout the room heard him and voiced their agreement. Luna silenced them with a sharp glare. “We are unsure of the customs in thy homeland, but in Equestria that is not acceptable. We are of a mind to throw thee in a cell for the night, or perhaps treat thee as thou act and send thee to bed without any supper.”
Kevin suppressed the urge to giggle at the archaic language combined with the childish threat. “Thou art no fun,” he said, copying her mannerisms. “Where is thy sense of humour?”
Luna seemed taken aback for a moment, but she recovered and said in a meaningful tone, “Art thou mocking Us, human?”
Kevin shook his head. “Nope. Mocking is like this,” he put on an overdone scowl and a bad imitation of Luna’s voice, “thou art nought but a ruffian and a brute!”
Luna tried valiantly to summon a glare, but it was spoiled by her lips twitching upwards. Kevin noticed, and began a rant to try and make the Princess break composure.
“Thy heathen ways art not appreciated in mine kingdom! Thou cad! We hath the mind to send thee to bed after thy receives a thorough spanking! Forsooth We hath never seen such devastation wrought upon mine subjects!”
Luna was still trying to constrain herself, but her eyes betrayed her inner struggle, and so Kevin continued.
“As punishment for thy crimes, we sentence thee to being silly for the remainder of eternity! Nay, thee shall be silly even beyond the collapse of time! Thy absurdity shall reign supreme among the silly even when the shades of this universe beget the next reality! The eternal crown of Monarch of Frivolity shall be thine!”
It was too much for Luna. The Princess broke out in a most undignified fit of giggles, and Kevin smirked triumphantly. Twilight stared at the scene, aghast at Kevin’s ability to turn a serious moment on its head. All across the room, ponies let out relieved sighs and several giggled along with the Princess.
Kevin was too wrapped up in his moment of glory to notice Luna’s horn light up, and so the bottle spanking him came as a surprise. He yelped and jumped away, but the bottle chased him around the room, always spanking him.
Twilight was on the floor laughing, but Luna was no longer giggling. Instead she smiled broadly and her eyes were practically glowing with mirth. “If a spanking is what thou desires, then a spanking thou shall receive!”
“I give! Uncle! I surrender! Out, damned bottle, before you leave a spot on my ass!” Kevin screamed as he jumped and tripped over tables and chairs, trying in vain to escape the unpitying glass of the bottle.
“The rest of you,” Luna began, still attacking Kevin with the bottle, “thy punishment is to tidy this bar.”
Vinyl hopped up on the bar again and yelled “UNR-R-R-RUMBLE!” before hopping down and gently righting a table. Luna shook her head at the DJ’s antics before herding Kevin out the door with the bottle, following behind with a still laughing Twilight in tow.
Kevin and the two ponies walked in to the library. Twilight and Luna each pulled over some cushions and sat down, but Kevin winced and remained standing, which drew a fresh giggle from Twilight. Kevin’s silent stare was all the reply he could muster.
“We trust thou will not mock Us any longer?” Luna asked, fake sympathy oozing from her words.
Kevin snorted. “I’ll mock ye when it’s funny,” he said.
Luna smiled. “Perchance when We are not within earshot? Or dost thou possess the courage to chance Our ire again?”
Kevin affected his bad impression again before responding. “The fortitude of mine testes is great enough that I do not fear thee.”
A gleam appeared in Luna’s eyes. “Mentioning thy reproductive organs may be a mistake...”
Kevin paled and covered his crotch, but managed to summon a glare while he did. “Now Luna, no need to get all testy,” he shot back in his normal voice.
Luna chuckled. “Fear not. We appreciate a sense of humour among Our subjects, thou will not be harmed further.”
“Pardon my scepticism,” Kevin muttered quietly.
“So what brings you here Princess?” asked Twilight.
“We wished to meet Kevin,” Luna began, “Our sister was impressed with his wits and courage. We also have several things to explain to him.”
“Oh do ye now?”
“Yes. Our sister informed us that thou have been propositioned by The Creator. We wish to explain to thee the customs and laws that bind summoned creatures as well as thyself.”
Kevin nodded, his interest piqued.
“Any bargain that thou make with a summoned creature is binding. Should thou attempt to renege on your vow, thy circle will be broken. Unless thou have the power to banish that creature, thy life is then forfeit.”
Kevin twitched. “You’re kidding.”
Luna shook her head. “Nay. Were it so easy to cheat such creatures, it would be done more often. Only those possessed of great power or stupidity dare break their vows in these matters.”
“Well shit,” Kevin began, “and any asshole with a circle and a name can summon anything?”
“Barring a relative few, yes,” chipping in Twilight Sparkle, “but it’s pretty rare. A proper summoning circle is expensive to buy and time consuming to make. I made mine by myself and it took almost six months. A pony with a death wish could potentially just draw a circle in the ground and use that, but you’d have to insane to try it.”
“Probably shouldn’t have told me that. Never been known for my sanity,” Kevin replied.
Twilight gave the human a level gaze. “A creature escaped from a circle is free to run wild until somepony banishes it. Ponies could die Kevin.”
“I’d be dead too,” Kevin pointed out.
“Yes, killed by your own idiocy,” Twilight countered.
“Well it aint no death by sex, but I can think of worse ways to kick it,” Kevin said.
Luna, for her part, tried not to chuckle at the bickering before interrupting. “We doubt thee will lose control of a circle Kevin. Thou hast no names to summon by.”
Kevin grinned. “Yet. I have The Creators name, and he wants to deal with me. Wonder what I could get outta him?”
Luna’s eyes widened. “Thou would dare bargain with him? Perhaps Our sister’s decision to grace thee with magic was foolish.”
“Well I coulda told ye that!” Kevin answered. “Givin’ me magic? It’ll be a fucking miracle if I don’t burn the town down.”
Luna stared at him. “Then We shall make thee swear by thy power that thou will not abuse thy magic.”
Kevin looked confused, and glanced at Twilight for an explanation. “If you break your vow, you’ll lose your magic.”
“Hell no!” Kevin exclaimed, “no fuckin way, no.”
Luna stared at the human in annoyance. “Then be forewarned, should We find that thou have broken the rules of magic, thou shall-“
“Yes yes,” Kevin cut her off, “get thrown out of Equestria, have to live in less happy places, probably die there, yadda yadda yadda.”
Twilight looked shocked at Kevin’s interruption. “Don’t yadda yadda the Princess Kevin, it’s disrespectful.”
Luna showed no signs of anger, however. “Precisely, We are glad that Our sister has explained such things to thee properly. She has always been more... forceful than Us.”
Kevin nodded in agreement. “Aye. She can be pretty freaky, and unless glowin’ eyes is common ‘round here she must be scary fuckin’ strong.”
Luna smirked. “Ours is not the lesser light, Kevin. We are equal in power.”
Kevin looked confused. “Lesser light?” he asked.
“Did thou not know?” Luna began, “Our sister controls the sun, and We control the moon. It is the source of Our power.”
Kevin blinked. “That is fuckin’ ridiculous.”
Luna looked confused. “Thou means to say that thou truly did not know?”
“It’s impossible is what that is,” Kevin continued, “straight up fucking impossible. Gravity ring a bell? How about orbit?”
“We do not understand,” Luna replied, “is it different in thy world?”
“Just a bit. See, in my world we have this thing called science, where we test theories and shit? It’s really neat sometimes. One of the really cool things science did was figure out how the moon is in the sky, and the sun too. No one controls them, it’s just nature.”
Kevin noticed Twilight staring at him like he had miraculously grown a second head. Luna just looked amused. “Next thou will tell Us that in thy world weather is uncontrolled as well.”
“As a matter of fact-“
Luna cut Kevin off with a wave of her hoof. “That is irrelevant. Those of the Other have long been Our responsibility to study, The Creator chief of all. We wished to tell thee more of him, in hopes that he will not surprise thee.”
“Get on with it then.”
Twilight again looked annoyed at Kevin’s lack of decorum, but Luna still showed no signs of taking offense, simply nodding. “Foremost, he may appear to thee in a guise unlike the one thy have already seen. He is not limited to any form. He may even appear to thee as a member of thy own kind.”
Kevin absorbed that and thought a moment. “So how the hell am I supposed to know when he’s around?”
Luna grinned. “In his vanity, The Creator never allows his colours to be tarnished or changed in any way. Also, should he be in a form that should not speak, thou will still understand his words. Should even that fail to identify him, speak his name once and he will be compelled to react. Be forewarned however, speaking his name thrice in a single breath will summon him to thee. Speak his name only when thou art suspicious.”
Kevin nodded. “Simple enough.”
“Indeed,” Luna began, “he is simple to identify. Others less so, as thou will likely discover. We once had a creature appear as an ant when she is normally the size of a house. We nearly stepped on her before We realised.”
Kevin snickered. “That’d be funny.”
“Nay, it would have been the end of Us,” Luna corrected. Kevin looked at her agog, and so she explained. “A summoned creature’s form has naught to do with its powers. Had We stepped on her, it would be considered an act of aggression, a violation of hospitality. We should explain hospitality to thee, I think.
When thou summon a creature, thou invite it into this world, your home. Thou must be reasonably polite, and so must they. No assault may be made by either party, or hospitality is redacted and both parties may do as they wish. Thou must also do thy best protect the creature from assault by any other party unless it is thy wish to moderate a duel between them. If thou contain the creature in a circle, then thou are under no further obligations. If not, then thou must provide food or drink upon request.”
“So treat ‘em like a house guest?” Kevin asked.
Luna nodded. “Precisely. Should a creature summon thee, then they must act under the same code.”
“Back it up, I can be summoned?”
Luna chuckled. “Thou have a name, nay? Any creature with a true name may be summoned. A moment, if thou will.”
Luna stood and walked through the door into the room with Twilight’s summoning circle, closing the door behind her. A few seconds later, Kevin felt the world skip a beat, and he found himself staring at Luna from within the silver ring. “Well,” was all Kevin could say.
Luna smirked. “Never give away thy name Kevin, We would never take advantage of thee, but other creatures may.”
Kevin thought for a moment, and smiled. “I have your name, Luna.”
Nothing happened, and Kevin’s smile faded.
“Nay,” Luna said, “thou have Our title. No creature in Equestria has Our name, or Our sisters. Even if thou did have our name, We are old Kevin. Thou could no more hold Us than stop the world from turning. Thou may test Us, if thou wish. Try to leave the circle.”
Kevin raised his arm and reached forward, pressing against the invisible barrier he knew was there. As soon as his fingers made contact, they stopped. Kevin gasped.
Rushing through his arm and into his body was a bitter, empty cold. He felt like he had reached out and touched the dark side of the moon. Beyond that, he had the sudden impression of something vast, something infinite. He felt a power, and his instincts screamed at him that what he felt simply should not be, could not be. He jerked his arm back before he could feel any more, and as soon as he was out of contact he felt the warmth return to his body in crashing waves. Luna smiled, knowing her point had been made, and reached out with a hoof. As soon as the hoof passed over the circle, there was an almost inaudible popping sound.
“Thou may leave the circle now.”
Nervously, Kevin reached his hand out again. Nothing stopped his hand, so he practically jumped out of the circle. He turned to the Princess. “What. The fuck. Was that?”
“Us. You felt Us as We are.”
Kevin stared. “You aren’t no fuckin’ pony. I don’t know what the hell you are but you aint a pony.”
Luna inclined her head in a miniscule nod. “We are as We are, and We are darkness and ice, just as Our sister is light and fire.”
Kevin looked horrified for a moment, but then he laughed. “Lovecraft eat your fuckin’ heart out, I punched an Eldritch abomination in the face!”
Luna chuckled along with him. “That thou did. Count thyself blessed that Our sister is kind, or thou would be nought but dust. Let us speak no more of this, come.”
“Wait,” Kevin said, “are all the creatures I can summon like you?”
Luna nodded. “In nature yes, but many are violent. Our sister and Us are a rarity among the Other, caring for mortals so. Many of Our kind believe creatures like thou to be nought but playthings to be destroyed for their amusement.”
“Jesus Christ!” Kevin exclaimed, “so if I trap something in a circle, I have to hold back a fuckin’ Elder One?!?”
Luna nodded again. “If that is what thou wish to call them. That is why circles are needed, they magnify power. Without a circle thou are an ant, with one thou can hold the power to contain a god.”
“Jesus H fuckin’ Christ...” Kevin muttered, shaking his head as he wondered what horror would next enter his life.
Kevin walked back into the main room of the Library, and Twilight looked over at him worriedly.
“She put you in a circle, didn’t she?” Kevin nodded. “You tried to get out, didn’t you?” Another nod. Twilight’s horn lit up, and the unicorn poured the rest of the absinthe from Celestia’s earlier bottle into one of the glasses on the table. “You’ll want this.”
Luna shook her head. “Nay, Twilight Sparkle. He surrendered his attempt to best Us before he could fully sense Us.”
Twilight sighed knowingly. “Smarter than I was.”
Luna’s step faltered. “Dost thou... regret knowing Us for what We are, Twilight Sparkle?” the Princess asked, sounding almost worried.
“Oh, no!” Twilight assured Luna, “it was just a really intense experience, that’s all.“
Luna smiled, relieved, as she sat down. “Thank thee, Twilight Sparkle. We still worry that Our subjects fear Us for being Other.”
“So,” Kevin interjected, “given that me life’s been playing out like a bad comedy lately, this is where you tell me you need my help for something.”
Luna looked confused. “Why would We ask thee to help us? Thou have only been here one full day, and we hardly know thee.”
Kevin practically jumped for joy. “Something normal! That’s the first reasonable thing anyone’s said to me all day.”
Twilight bristled. “Excuse me?”
Kevin stared at her, his face blank. “You’re a talking purple magical unicorn. Anything you say is inherently ridiculous.”
Twilight huffed, but didn’t get a chance to say anything.
“I hate to break up your lovely little moment, but I think the mortal’s idea has merit.”
The voice was The Creator’s, and Luna stood and looked around. “Show thyself, Creator!”
“Well that wouldn’t be any fun now would it? I much prefer to watch you panic, little Lulu.”
Kevin stood. “Vedvyasa Vedavyasa Vedavyasa,” he said clearly, and with a crack The Creator appeared.
“My my, that was clever,” The Creator began, “you ended the conflict between me and Lulu before it even truly began, and you assured the safety of all present. I often forget that you’re smarter than you act, mortal.”
Kevin smirked. “Have brain, will travel.”
The Creator nodded. “Indeed. As I was saying, I believe your idea has merit. In two days, I will release some of the Other I’ve been holding back from this world. You will help to contain them.”
Luna looked shocked. “Thou will do no such thing!” she exclaimed in a commanding voice.
The Creator simply grinned. “No? I remind you that this is my world, to do with as I please.”
Twilight stood. “I remind you that we are our own, Creator. You can bend the world all you want, but you gave us free will. We can choose not to send Kevin.”
The Creator still grinned. “Yes, I did give you a measure of free will, didn’t I? He who giveth can also taketh away, little unicorn. Twilight Sparkle, sit down and remain silent.”
The Creator’s voice rang with power, and Twilight’s eyes glossed over as she sat down.
“So I have said, so shall it be,” The Creator began again, “two days, mortal. Best to prepare yourself, I’d hate to have to aid you over-much. Deus Ex Machina is hardly something you wish to rely on. Farewell.”
Another crack, and The Creator was gone. His voice lingered, however. “Oh yes, you may stand and speak again, Twilight Sparkle.”
Kevin looked over to Twilight, who was shaking her head as her eyes regained their normal bright and curious look. “He’s got a flair for the dramatic, hasn’t he?” he muttered, “he tries to make everything he says so grand.”
Luna nodded, but she looked as if her mind was elsewhere. “Yes, but his pride is well founded. His power is as absolute as he claims. Thou truly had best prepare, for We fear he was being truthful.”
“Please tell me you’re kidding,” Kevin asked in a level tone. Luna shook her head. “I hate everythin’,” Kevin sighed in exasperation.
“Worry not, “Luna began, “We will provide thee with an advisor. A moment.”
Luna walked back through the door to Twilight’s summoning circle, closing it behind her. Kevin looked at Twilight. “Is life here always this fucked?”
“Pretty much,” Twilight replied.
“Brilliant.”
Almost an hour later, Luna stepped back through the door. On her shoulder was a small cricket.
“We have found thee an advisor.”
Kevin stared. “A cricket?”
The cricket in question chirped indignantly. “I’ll have you know I am no mere cricket, mortal. I chose this form because it’s small enough for you to carry with you.” The cricket hopped from Luna’s shoulder and landed in front of Kevin. “I am beyond you in every way. If I didn’t owe Luna a favour, I wouldn’t be here.”
Kevin struggled to repress the huge smile he felt brewing on his face at the little cricket’s perfect British accent. “Alright Jiminy.”
The cricket chirped again. “Jiminy? I suppose it will fit as well as any other name. Now, do you intend to introduce me to this luscious little unicorn here?”
Twilight’s eyes bulged, and Kevin allowed his smile to come through in full force. “My pleasure. Twilight, this dashing little creature is Jiminy. Jiminy, meet Twilight Sparkle.” Kevin picked up the cricket and set it gently atop Twilight’s head.
“My dear, you smell simply wonderful!” the cricket exclaimed as he burrowed into Twilight’s mane. Twilight, for her part, looked deeply disturbed as she gripped the tiny insect with her magic and picked it from her mane, setting it back on the floor.
“Oh heavens, now I’m all cold,” Jiminy began in hurt tone, “won’t you at least warm me up a little?”
Kevin exploded into laughter, excusing himself from the conversation and walking over to stand in the far corner of the room.
“No!” Twilight practically shouted.
“AHHH!” screamed Jiminy, “you’ve shot me straight through the heart. Alas, I fear ‘tis a mortal wound, I shall never recover I think...”
Luna picked up the little insect with her magic and held it directly in front of her face. “Do behave thyself. We should hate to hear that somepony has stepped upon thee, or fed thee to a frog. Again.”
Jiminy somehow managed to look annoyed. “One trip through a bullfrog’s digestive tract is enough for one eternity, I would think.”
Luna unceremoniously dropped the cricket. “Good. Remember the terms of the bargain We have made with thee. If thou fail to fulfill thy duties, then thy debt is unpaid.”
The cricket chirped, turning the sound into an affirmative, and lifted a leg in a mock salute before hopping over to Kevin. “You heard the Princess, let’s be off!”
“It’s the middle of the night ye little bastard,” Kevin replied, “we aint doin’ shit ‘till tomorrow.”
Jiminy turned back to Luna. “How am I supposed to work with this?” he asked, “he’s so primitive he’s afraid of the dark!”
Luna chuckled. “Thou will do thy best. We are not asking thee to enjoy it, only to do it.” The cricket chirped unhappily, but hopped up to sit on Kevin’s shoulder. “Thank thee. Kevin, We must explain to thee what thy... new career will entail.”
Kevin nodded, leaned back, and listened.
“As Jiminy is of the Other, he will know when another of the Other reaches Equestria. He will tell thee, and guide thee to it. He will also help thee, should thou find thyself in battle. Also, his extensive knowledge of magic and magical creatures of all varieties is at thy command. If thou find thyself in need of his assistance, do not hesitate to ask it. When thou locate the Other that has arrived here, thou must banish it. This is a simple but difficult process, and thou will need the creature’s true name to perform it. Jiminy will help thee in that respect as well. Thou shall have need of a foci, and thou will need to learn how to create and use a simple circle. Thou must trap the creature in thy circle, and speak its name. This should grant thee temporary control over the creature. Once thou have this control, simply order it to leave. Should this fail, thou will need to enchant an object and imprison the creature inside it. If thou wish, you may trap the creature in thy foci, and use its power to supplement thy own.”
Kevin nodded. “What about pay?”
“Generous,” Luna began, “thou will find thy compensation beyond adequate, as the work is dangerous. Thou will be paid a salary with an added commission for each creature contained.”
Kevin nodded again. “And I start two days from now. Alrighty then, I’ll take the job.”
Luna smiled, but her expression quickly faltered. “Thou seem to be taking this rather well.”
Kevin shrugged. “I’ve already been ripped from me own life, met talking ponies, used magic, and found out I’ve been dealing with things my people write horror stories about. My weirdness censor submitted his notice and fucked off when I started drinking with yer sister.”
Jiminy whistled. “You had drinks with Celestia? You lucky little bugger you!”
Kevin shrugged again, nearly dislodging the little lecher. “If you think so.”
“I do!” Jiminy exclaimed, “both the Princesses are beautiful, and you’ve met them both.”
“Sorry Jiminy, but ponies don’t get me goin’”, Kevin began, “I wouldn’t know a supermodel from a hobo.”
The little cricket hopped off Kevin’s shoulder and made his way over to Luna. “Come on Luna, show him! You can go human if you want, and we all know it.”
Luna frowned. “We are unsure that would be wise.”
The little cricket chirped impatiently. “You would deny him the great honour of appreciating your beauty when he is a guest in your kingdom?”
Luna glared at the insect. “He is now an employee of Our kingdom.”
“Not yet, he starts in two days,” Jiminy pointed out.
Luna intensified her glare, but Jiminy simply chirped happily. Luna sighed, and relented. The Princess seemed to phase out of existence for a moment, and when she returned Kevin let out a low whistle before letting his jaw drop a little.
Luna was now a tall human woman, around six feet tall, in a flowing black gown and elegant looking silver slippers. She had long hair that was so black it looked blue when the light hit it, and there were small pinpoints of bright light that reminded Kevin of diamonds. Her eyes were a striking midnight blue with the same lights dancing inside them, and they promised a deep intelligence even as they spoke of fiery sensuality. Her lips were a contrast to her pearly white skin that almost seemed to glow from within. Her figure was full, but only a fool would call her large.
“Thou art drooling Kevin.”
Twilight walked over to the still stunned human, her hooves making a light clop-clop sound on the wooden floor, and helpfully closed his jaw.
“I repeat, lucky little bugger,” Jiminy said in a somewhat smug tone. Kevin nodded dully as Luna phased out once more and returned as her normal pony self.
“We are glad that thou find Us attractive Kevin, but We are uncomfortable with thou staring at Us so. We hope that thou will not mind Us returning to Our normal body.”
Kevin shook his head.
Jiminy piped up again. “Now, Luna, this primitive screwhead has a primitive brain. If he sees one of the Other, his mind will clock out and head back to Scotland.”
“We understand,” Luna began, “and We have a solution. Thou will use thy magic to shield his mind.”
“Of course,” the cricket responded, sarcasm oozing from his words. “Never mind the fact that I could do the job by myself, I’m stuck babysitting this thing. And here I thought the world might make sense for a minute.”
Authors Notes
And now you know why I tagged this as Dark. Lovecraft Lite, y'all.
“Is that what I think it is?” asked Twilight Sparkle. Kevin nodded eagerly. “You’re making your foci a baseball bat?”
“Yep,” Kevin began, “it’ll work, won’t it?”
“Well, yes but-“
“No buts,” Kevin interjected, “never know when you’ll need a good bat.”
“Yes, well, you never know when the police will decide that a monster carrying around a baseball bat means danger,” Twilight shot back. “Ponyville is a strange place, Kevin. We see things here that other places in Equestria just don’t. Didn’t you notice how quickly the townsponies got used to you? In Manehatten you’d get thrown in jail or worse for walking around with a weapon.”
“Nope,” Kevin replied happily, lifting up a small badge that Luna had given him the previous night. “I outrank ‘em. Apparently my job is considered part of the Royal Guard. My ass is sanctified. They can’t touch me.”
Twilight frowned. “Rely on that too much, and any Other in disguise will know you’re coming.”
Jiminy laughed from his perch atop Kevin’s shoulder. “He’s a hairless bipedal with the teeth of a predator who stands almost eighteen inches taller than your average pony. They’ll know he’s coming. Even if he was equine, they’d know that I was coming. I can sense them, they can sense me. He can’t surprise them any more than they can surprise him.”
Kevin nodded. “Listen to the cricket. He knows his shit.”
Twilight’s frown grew. “I don’t like it. If that’s what you want I’ll make it, but I don’t like it.”
“You don’t have too,” Kevin said, “you aint using it yourself anyway.”
“At least let me explain a few things before we start.” Kevin nodded. “The shape of a baseball bat is going to limit you. It’s not a delicate instrument, and so delicate magic will be difficult.”
Kevin laughed. “I don’t need delicate, I need to stuff to explode. Big fuckin’ boom.”
Twilight’s frown grew somewhat venomous, but her tone was carefully neutral. “What kind of spells do you want to channel through your foci then? Wind, fire, water, ice, force, earth, grass, spirit, mind, darkness, light, sound. Pick two.”
Kevin thought a moment. “Does it really have to be that specialized?”
“If you want your spells to pack the maximum punch.”
Kevin nodded, and sat thinking for almost five minutes. “Earth and force,” he eventually answered.
“Alright,” Twilight began, “with that kind of set up, you’re looking at a huge amount of defensive ability. Earth is hard to use offensively without some serious power to throw around, but it’s the best bar none for shields. Stone stops heat just as well as it does kinetic force, and a magical stone will stop pretty much anything. Force is more offensive, you can throw things at your target or you can throw your target at things. If you need to, you can even use a force spell to make the bat itself hit harder.”
“How much harder?” Kevin asked.
“Two or three tons of force,” the unicorn answered.
“Well,” Kevin began, “one would suppose, then, that the bat would break.”
Twilight shook her head and levitated a scroll full of odd runes beside her face. She jerked a hoof and pointed at several dozen in turn. “All of these are for structural integrity. As long as these are carved correctly, the bat will be the next best thing to unbreakable.” She pointed at a few runes. “These are for specialisation. Earth and force are these ones. I’ll throw a few others on too, fire ice and wind. That’ll give you two big strengths and some extra options. Wind will let you use lightning, fire should be pretty obvious, and ice is very useful for immobilising something. Those spells won’t be a strong, and they’ll be a lot more limited, but they’ll be potent enough to make anything mortal worry.”
She moved on to another scroll, and nodded at the sheet of runes in full. “These are the rest of the runes. These are just for basic magnification of power. Magic still follows the laws of physics, of course, but it does act differently from what you would expect. Each of these runes will focus whatever power you put through them. The end result is the exact same amount of magical energy, but it’s purer. More potent.”
“So it works kinda like a still?” Kevin asked.
“Yes,” Twilight responded in a somewhat surprised tone, “a very apt comparison Kevin. These particular runes are the best. Literally. They’re so powerful that they’re illegal for civilians. You get them because you do dangerous work for the government.”
Kevin raised a single hairless eyebrow. “Do I get to do anything else illegal?”
Twilight sighed. “If at any time, in commission of your duty or otherwise, lethal force is used against you, you may disregard any and all Equestrian law, including the rules of magic. Assuming, of course, you survive said lethal force. If nonlethal force is used against you, any non-lethal countermeasures are open to you without risk of punishment.”
Kevin smiled. “I like this,” he began, “I like this a lot.”
Twilight levelled an impressively forceful glare at the human. “I am also a government employee,” she stated in a matter of fact tone, “and I have the same lee way. This entire town is legally my protectorate; I am the technical leader of the Royal Guard here even if I don’t use that authority very often. On top of that, I am Princess Celestia’s personal student. I get a lot of wiggle room.” Her tone abruptly turned threatening, and her eyes seemed to shine a little brighter. “If you respond to any assault or slight with what I believe to be excessive force, I will stop you.”
Kevin, at that moment, didn’t believe her in the slightest. He laughed.
Twilight narrowed her eyes, and suddenly Kevin did believe. He could feel the power radiating off her, more than a slight tough of anger darkening it. “You started a fight with Rarity last night,” she said in a very quiet voice, “ponies got hurt in that fight Kevin. Two ended up in the hospital. One of them had a broken leg. I’m not sure how much you know about pony physiology, but that’s a serious injury. He’ll have trouble walking for a few years at least. Another poor stallion went through a window. He ended up with extensive lacerations all over his body and relatively major blood loss. If Luna hadn’t been right outside to take him to the hospital, he would have died. If you think I won’t ,or can’t, stop you from doing something that again, I’ll gladly disabuse you of the notion here and now. Try me, Kevin. I dare you.”
Jiminy chirped nervously. “Kevin,” the little cricket began, “let’s leave and let Twilight work on your foci. Let’s not come back until later tonight. And for the love of all you hold holy, let’s not get in any trouble, okay?”
Kevin lazily flicked the little cricket off of his shoulder. “You just said I could fight back without risk of punishment,” he began. “You coming after me would be punishment.”
Twilight grinned. “Allow me to explain, then. Nopony could press charges against you or anything like that; you’re protected against legal threats.” The grin went away, replaced with another steely glare. “But if I were to throw you through a brick wall by accident...”
Kevin gulped, picked up an indignant Jiminy, and rushed out the door.
Twilight laughed a little to herself.
“Operation Scared Straight is a success! I need to report this to the Princesses.”
“You idiotic little mortal! Flicking me off your shoulder like that! I hit the wall! That hurt!”
Kevin sighed as he walked through the streets of Ponyville, exploring. “You’re a cricket. Crickets don’t weigh jack shit. You couldn’t have hit the wall hard enough to hurt much.”
“Well no,” Jiminy conceded, “not in a physical sense anyway. But that library is warded. Twilight, as mortals go, is power with a capital P. Put those two facts together and you get walls that cause a great deal of pain to anything of the Other. Go stick your hand in a fire for a few minutes, and you’ll get an idea of how little physical force has to do with pain.”
“Okay then. Question time. The fuck do you mean by warded?”
It was Jiminy’s turn to sigh. “You want this in proper terminology or preschool talk?”
“Proper but basic.”
“Warded means wards are set up, obviously. Wards are security measures. They sit latent until something they’re designed to react too comes in contact with them, and then they react in various ways depending on the ward itself. The one I hit is just a deterrent; if an Other or anything else she doesn’t want around comes in contact it gets a nice little dose of pain. Nothing too serious and fairly simple to tear down if you’re determined enough. Just keep in contact with it and it’ll break after a few seconds.”
“Doesn’t sound all that useful,” Kevin muttered.
“Not on its own,” Jiminy began, “but on a bigger scale, quite helpful. Think of that ward as a warning. Past that one was the real show. If something breaks it down, there’s one right behind it with enough to punch to send anything I’ve ever heard of for a loop. Celestia or Luna might be able to take that one, but it would do some serious damage to them. It’d probably throw me out of this world, back to where I come from.”
Kevin whistled lowly.
“Indeed. Big time power there. There’s another layer past that one too. The third ward is even bigger. Much bigger. Big enough that it would probably hurt The Creator.”
Kevin coughed. “You’re telling me that little unicorn can go toe-to-toe with a god?”
Jiminy chirped a negative. “Hardly. In a straight up fight, she’d be erased from reality before she so much as knew she was in danger. That’s the best thing about wards; you can fuel them over time. She’s probably been funnelling power to that library’s defences for years.”
Kevin thought a moment. “So if it stops anything Other, how can you and The Creator get in?”
“The Creator bends the rules a little. He has power over this universe Kevin, and a lot of it. He can go wherever he wants without actually going there. He wants to be there, and he is. Side steps the wards. I can get in because she lets me in. I was summoned the first time, which bypasses the wards and the threshold. I can get through the doors and windows because she told the wards to let me in. I’d be able to go through the walls, but she didn’t trust me enough to let me.”
Kevin nodded. “Makes sense. Threshold?”
“She lives there. It’s a home. Homes have a magic all their own that stops anything too nasty from getting in without an invitation. A strong enough being can muscle right through, but they’ll leave most of their power at the door. Quite helpful, really, and not even The Creator can get past that unless he’s summoned.”
“Sounds it,” Kevin agreed. “So Jiminy, not that I’ve got you talkin’, anything else you think I need to know?”
“Yes,” the little cricket replied, “you should know a little bit about me and what I can do.”
Kevin nodded as he turned down a small ally and found a box to sit on.
“Most important thing is to know what I am and what I’m capable of. I might have the body of a cricket, but it should be patently obvious I’m no such thing. I am a half breed, a lesser spirit of knowledge and power. The only things you’ll see that are stronger than I am, magically speaking, are old dragons, beings like the Princesses, and greater spirits of power. I can’t use all of that power here, but I can use enough to stand up against most anything mortal. However, I am bound to Luna to not use this power to injure anything mortal. I can help you with shields, illusions, healing, and a thousand other things and everything I know is at your disposal, but you’re on your own for anything offensive against anything I might kill.”
“Spirit?” Kevin chirped up, “I thought you were Other?”
“I am, fool. Other is a broad term, encompassing everything from spirits like myself to entities like The Creator to the little shades all around you right now.”
Kevin looked around, and saw he was alone.
“Ah, right, you can’t see them. Just a moment.”
Kevin felt something odd fall over his eyes, and then he could see the shades. Everywhere he looked, there were things flitting about, some of them beautiful and some of them nightmares. Kevin blinked, and sat very still. The shades ignored him completely.
“They can’t hurt you,” Jiminy began, “at least not directly. These little guys are responsible for what you call luck. They’ll see something, and on a whim they’ll change it a little. Make the dice roll double sevens ten times in a row, or maybe they decide that the weak branch over your head should break a little early and kill you. They’re not all that strong individually, but a big group is borderline unstoppable when they decide to do something.”
“And these things are everywhere?” asked Kevin in a quiet tone.
“Mostly. There wouldn’t be any in Twilight’s library or any other properly warded building, but they’re pretty ubiquitous everywhere else.”
The shades faded from Kevin’s view, and the human relaxed slightly. “So I could be fightin’ anything from you to the Princesses when an Other comes to town. Aint that just fuckin’ dandy.”
“Technically yes,” Jiminy responded, “but not likely. The Creator specifically said he would just let the Other he’s been holding back come to Equestria, right?” Kevin nodded. “That limits the options a little. The Creator doesn’t waste time holding back anything less than the strongest of the Other, beings the Princesses would have trouble fighting. A very few of the oldest greater spirits of power and what most ponies would call True Others, like the Princesses. Little half-born like me aren’t restricted from coming here, the Princesses can drive us off easily.”
Kevin blinked. “And I can fight something like that how?”
“With help. You have me, and I’m a rather useful resource. Other aren’t mortal, so I can attack them too. I might not be the strongest being out there, but I’m a spirit of power for a reason. To speak on your terms, I can get shit done.”
Kevin laughed. Little cricket with a British accent was amusing to him, but little cricket swearing in a British accent was hilarious. A man of simple pleasures was Kevin.
Jiminy, however, took the laughter in a demeaning context. “A demonstration is in order, I think.”
Kevin saw a bright flash, and suddenly he was in an empty desert. Jiminy was on the ground in front him.
“Observe, mortal.”
And then the little cricket called down fire and lightning. There were no ritual movements, no spoken words, the little cricket in fact looked relaxed as he summoned the heavens wrath.
Kevin gaped, slack jawed and wide eyed.
All around him lightning struck the ground, ribbons of searing white flame winding around the arcing electricity. Wherever the lightning touched sand, it left long streaks of glass in its wake. The heat was tremendous, sucking the air from the human’s lungs and searing his skin. Kevin abruptly decided that his cricket advisor was utterly and completely terrifying when he used his strength.
Another flash, and Kevin was back in Ponyville, all of his minor burns healed and Jiminy perched safely on his shoulder. “I can get shit done.” He sounded very smug.
Kevin slowly nodded his head once. “I am a mouse surrounded by cats. I am so fucked.”
“A realistic and admirably concise description of your scenario.”
Kevin, after a bare moment of thought, flicked the little cricket off of his shoulder again. Jiminy landed on the ground and gave an indignant chirp as Kevin stood. Kevin grinned down a little bug as he spoke. “You’re strong enough to walk yourself then?”
“I have the body of a cricket, Kevin. Your pinkie fingers are longer than my legs. You know as well as I that I can’t keep up.”
Kevin giggled. “The little spirit of power outmatched by the idiotic mortal?”
The cricket chirped a sad chirp. “Alas, I am not all that I can be here in reality. I must beg your favour in this matter, so that I may best serve you as I am bound to do.”
Kevin stopped grinning. “So this binding thing is serious is it?”
“Oh yes,” Jiminy began, now sounding slightly annoyed. “A bound creature is compelled to do what they’ve been bound to do. Luna bound me threefold; I have to assist you to the best of my ability, I can’t use magic to directly attack mortals, and I may not abandon you at any time for any reason. I’m essentially a slave until something kills you, you release me, or Luna releases me. You were told that you could trap an Other in your foci and use their power, correct?”
Kevin nodded.
“That’s a version of binding. In metaphorical terms, doing so would chain the being to your will. Whenever you wanted to use their power, they would do exactly as you wanted them to do. It’s not something done lightly, and very difficult to do to a being against their will.”
“Were you willing?” Kevin asked.
“Not really,” Jiminy sighed, “but I owe Luna my life, such as it is, several times over. She’s kind the little fish, so to speak. She protects us and offers sanctuary. It wasn’t all that long ago one of the True Other decided it didn’t like my tone and tried to eat me. She fought the thing, killed it. I couldn’t, in good conscience, walk away from her when she needed me. Besides, she’s beautiful and I’m a sucker for a pretty face.”
Kevin thought of the good natured if slightly odd winged unicorn he had met. He tried to reconcile that with something that fought what could pass for gods and won. He failed.
Jiminy chuckled. “You’re quite new to magic, aren’t you?” the cricket asked.
“Yep,” Kevin replied, “why?”
“You’re doing a little glamour right now, probably unconscious. There’s smoke coming out of your ears.”
Kevin turned his head, and he did indeed see little wisp of grey smoke. He sniffed, and it smelled of burned electronics. The human chuckled this time. “Brain.exe has experienced fatal error code four-oh-four,” he mumbled, then exploded in a deep and harsh belly laugh. “How come it didn’t happen before now?” he managed to choke out between guffaws.
“Because you haven’t had all that much power I’d guess,” Jiminy said, “but now you’ve had a full night and part of a day to gather some in. I’d let it happen if I were you, it’ll tell you when your low on power.”
“A gas gauge, helpful,” Kevin agreed. “How much boom juice do you figure I’ve got?”
The cricket was silent a moment, and Kevin felt something wash over him. “About as much as your average unicorn,” Jiminy said, “at this rate, you’ll have the strength of a talented unicorn in another day. Leave it a week and you’ll be at Twilight’s level. Leave it much longer and it’ll start to vent itself. If you use magic, it’ll take longer, obviously.”
Kevin thought a moment. “You’re telling me I can match a skilled unicorn after two days, but it’ll take a week before I can match Twilight?”
“Talented,”, Jiminy corrected, “there is a difference. Twilight is both skilled and talented. That mare is hell on wheels for damn near any spell if you give her an hour to learn it, and she’s got the brute power to back it up. She’s a heavyweight in every sense of the term.”
“She’s that good?”
“Better. I had my doubts, but after feeling out those wards I wouldn’t cross her.”
“Is that respect I’m hearing?” Kevin asked in mock shock. “Out of you? The little lecher cricket?”
“Well deserved respect,” Jiminy shot back. “Seriously Kevin, that mare is something else for a mortal. I could take her, but she’d definitely get some good shots in herself. Let me put this in terms you can understand; the lightning and fire I called down? She could do that in her sleep. I shudder to think of what she’d be capable of if she learned some real war magic. She could raze a city by herself without too much effort.”
“How does she stack up to the Princesses?”
Jiminy laughed. “She’s a forest fire. They’re a pair of suns.”
“And I’m a candle?”
“More like a match flame at the moment.”
Kevin snorted. “Behold the great and powerful Kevin.”
Jiminy chuckled a little. “On the plus side, you’re a lot better physically. Ponies aren’t made for a fight, you are.”
Kevin shot the cricket a doubting look. “A unicorn kicked my ass pretty solidly last night.”
“I heard. I also heard you were drunk. Ask her for a rematch, if you can fight at all you’ll win.”
Kevin looked almost insulted. “If I can fight? I’m a scrapper you little bastard. I can fight all right.”
“Go for that rematch then. Give me her Name, and I can find her. If what I was told is true, she’ll gladly give you a fair fight sans magic.”
Kevin thought a moment. “Rarity,” he eventually said, trying to get the prim and proper inflection and tone the unicorn had used.
Jiminy hesitated. “White unicorn? Blue eyes? Purple mane?” Kevin nodded. “Wow, Kevin. You don’t get in trouble by halves, do you? I know where she lives.”
“Hop on up then.”
The cricket bounded his way up to Kevin’s shoulder, and under the crickets guide the human stalked out once more into the streets of Ponyville.
Kevin stood staring incredulously at Carousel Boutique. “Jiminy?” he asked quietly.
The cricket chirped an inquisitive chirp.
“Tell me this is a dream.”
The cricket chirped a negative chirp.
“She lives in a merry-go-round.”
The cricket chirped an affirmative chirp.
“I hate everythin’.”
The cricket chirped an amused chirp.
Kevin flicked him off his shoulder, only to be rewarded with an indignant chirp.
Kevin strode forward and, noticing an open sign on the door, walked directly inside. He felt a strange resistance at the door, but pushed through it. He immediately felt weaker and somewhat tired, and reasoned that he had just crossed a threshold.
“Welcome to Carousel Boutique!” came a musical voice, “where every garment is chic, unique, and-“ the voice cut off as Rarity rounded a corner to see Kevin. “Ah. The ruffian,” she said, her voice disdaining and flat.
“Yes,” Kevin replied grandly, sweeping his arm and making a deep yet mocking bow. “Come to invade thy home and ravage thee senseless. Also, to apologise.”
Rarity quirked an eyebrow. Kevin took this as a signal to continue.
“The words that passed my lips were the words of a drunken man,” he began, keeping his tone grandiose. “I offer to thee my sincerest apologies, in hope that thy heart will find within itself the mercy to forgive a fool.”
Rarity raised her other eyebrow. “It’s thine heart I believe. I must confess, though my generosity may be boundless, I am scarcely of the mind to so easily forget such an insult.” Rarity’s tone was every bit as magnificent as Kevin’s, and the human grinned slightly.
“And gracefully I concede that your position is one of reason, for words have power, and mine were intended to be malicious.”
“What do I hear from this barbarians tongue? Talk of reason? This can scarce be the creature that so clouded my life not a full day past!”
“Lies!” Kevin exclaimed, “it is I, in flesh and soul! The one who did in such a base manner slight thee! I am come to beg of thee nought but forgiveness, and if fortune should so grant, a second chance.”
“Honeyed words and silvered tongue speak so little to the weary ear, I fear.”
“I speak not to the distrusting ear, but only to the heart,” Kevin replied, his voice quiet. “For while the mind may long labour to forget, the heart does so easily forgive.”
“Alas, though my soul does grieve for your plight, I am creature ruled more by reason than the whimsy of emotion.” Despite her words, Rarity was now grinning as well.
“Then reason shall have its chance! Lady Rarity, I do lay a challenge upon thee, in the custom of my people, to prove my sincerity. Name thy champion, and in single combat I shall prevail to show my cause just and heart pure of malice!”
Rarity’s grin faded to an expression of mild surprise. “If it is your wish, I shall accept this challenge, and for a champion I name myself.”
Kevin nodded in satisfaction. “Then I surrender to thee the right of selecting location and time, as is only proper.”
“Now,” Rarity said, eyes flashing with excitement, “outside.”
“I must protest” Kevin replied, “there must be an arbiter, and one is hardly available.”
“Fair,” Rarity decided, “and so I choose Twilight Sparkle as arbiter of our dispute.”
Rarity rolled the Name off of her lips exactly as Twilight did, and with a small flash of light the purple unicorn appeared. “You called, Rarity?”
The white unicorn nodded. “Twilight, please be a dear and moderate a fight between me and Kevin.”
Twilight shot a sharp glare at the human, but Rarity spoke again before a word could pass her lips.
“Twilight, this challenge was freely given and accepted. You can hardly interfere.”
Twilight’s glare faded into an expression of annoyance, but she nodded. “If that’s what you both want. Have you decided any rules?”
Kevin spoke up first. “No magic.”
Twilight looked to Rarity, who nodded. “Anything else?”
“Yes,” said Rarity. “I remember those boots, Kevin. Take them off.”
Kevin murmured assent. Twilight waited a moment, but both combatants were silent.
Rarity strode with confidence as she exited the boutique, and Twilight followed. Kevin trailed behind, wondering what demon had possessed him to make with the Shakespearean English. Outside, Jiminy was hopping about impatiently. He seemed surprised to see Twilight, but quickly reasoned her purpose and hopped over to Kevin.
“I assume she accepted the rematch?”
Kevin nodded. “Yep. No magic, I take off my boots.”
Jiminy chirped excitedly. “This is going to be quite fun. Don’t hold back, Kevin. Rarity might look like the little lady, but she’s a tough customer no doubt.”
Kevin cringed a little. “No shit Sherlock.”
Rarity stopped, and Kevin examined the boutiques back yard. It was an open space, the grass trimmed short and neat with no mud or dirt to be seen. He sighed in relief; glad he wouldn’t have to overly dirty his last clean shirt, and removed his boots. When he straightened, Rarity was waiting expectantly in a small circle freshly dug in the ground. He stepped through, and again felt a slight tension. He guessed that the circle made the use of magic impossible, and settled in a fighting crouch.
Rarity raised an eyebrow. This wasn’t the sloppy stance he had adopted in the bar. His knees were slightly bent, lowering his centre of gravity and allowing for quick motion. His arms were loose, left hanging near his stomach and right just below his face. His hands were half open, equally ready to catch a hoof or launch a quick punch. He looked calm and confident, sure of himself.
Rarity adopted her own fighting stance, and Twilight walked over to stand just outside the small circle. Her horn glowed, and there was an audible snap as the circle closed. “Neither of you may cross this line,” she began, “nor may you use magic. The fight will be ended when one of you submits, is knocked unconscious, or I deem a received injury to be overly severe.”
Both combatants nodded.
“Fight.”
Rarity moved first, four strong legs propelling herself forward before she turned and rocketed both rear hooves at Kevin’s chest.
Kevin’s reflexes would have made a striking snake look sluggish. He stepped back, and as soon her hooves were fully extended he quickly danced a semi circle and planted a firm kick directly in the unicorn’s side. Rarity wheezed, the impact driving the breath from her, but she moved again before Kevin could capitalise on the opportunity.
Kevin followed her, a fast left hand reaching for her horn. Rarity ducked her head to avoid the grip, and his unseen right connected directly against her neck. Panicking slightly, Rarity swung her head back and forced Kevin to jump back or be stabbed by her horn.
Rarity settled in her fighting stance again, and eyed Kevin warily. She had assumed he would fight like a thug, relying on power to win, but he was fast. Far faster than she was. He was strong as a pegasus as well, and she knew she was at a disadvantage against the sober human. Kevin saw her thoughts, and let loose a cocky grin as he waited for her to move again.
Rarity instead waited, forcing him to start the next exchange. He did, darting forward with a raised knee. The unicorn barely avoided the attack, and responded with a jabbed hoof to his hip. Kevin staggered, but he shot his foot towards Rarity and forced her back.
“You’re good,” Rarity said, complimenting her opponent.
Kevin smiled. “Had to be sharp back home, or I’d be long dead. You aren’t half bad either.”
Rarity smiled back, and immediately weaved side to side. Kevin followed her with his eyes, but didn’t budge his body an inch. Rarity mentally cursed him, he wasn’t just good, he had instincts on his side as well. She was going to need to outthink him if she wanted to win.
She planted a hoof firmly against the ground, and flicked up a chunk of sod at his face. Kevin swatted it out of the air with his left hand, but the movement cost him dearly. Rarity landed a solid right hoof against his stomach, and he bent over with a wheeze. She had struck his solar plexus by convenient chance.
Before he could right himself, her left hoof struck him directly on the forehead. Kevin staggered back, the blow landing hard enough to split his skin. Twilight looked ready to call off the fight, but Kevin quickly motioned that he wasn’t badly hurt. He wiped some blood from over his eyes, and settled back down to wait for Rarity.
She didn’t disappoint him. She moved fast, jerking from side to side again in an attempt to disorient him. Kevin replied with a powerful backhand, catching her directly across the mouth with a loud crack. Rarity blinked, the sharp stinging pain nearly bring tears to her eyes, and when she opened them again Kevin’s knee was inches from her face. She gritted her teeth and lowered her head slightly, taking the blow against her forehead before staggering back and blinking a few more times.
When her mind cleared, she saw Kevin holding a hand to his knee in obvious pain. Rarity grinned, it had been risky take such a powerful strike, but the blow had hurt him more than her. She moved forward again, intending to finish the fight, but Kevin surprised her.
He jumped, twisting his body as he did, and his uninjured leg whipped toward her face. She couldn’t react in time, and his heel connected hard just above her temple.
The force of the blow drove Rarity to the ground, Kevin following. His hand reached around her throat, and she found herself locked in a choke hold, cutting off blood to her brain. She panicked again, jerking her head, but the human’s grip was too strong. After several seconds of pain, she blacked out and Kevin released the grip, rolling over to lie on his back.
The fight had taken just over a minute.
Kevin limply dug a cigarette, bent at an odd angle, and his lighter out of a pocket before lighting up and taking a few sad little puffs. He hurt. He had a headache, his knee felt like the bone was cracked, his right hand was throbbing, and his eyes stung where blood had flown into them. He never would have believed a pony that stood four feet high could be so tough. He had expected his first punch to bring the unicorn down.
Kevin took another sad little puff on his cigarette before deciding he hated his life at that moment.
He hated it even more when he heard a little worried chirp directly beside his ear. Irritably, he grunted out a monosyllabic portmanteau of fuck and off.
“Neolithic language. He can’t be hurt too badly. How did Rarity fare?”
“I’m surprised she’s not comatose after that knee to the forehead, but she’s alright. She’s going to have some terrific bruises around her throat though, and one hay of a headache.”
Kevin felt something float over him before Jiminy delivered his own concise injury report. “Well. He may have won, but Kevin is decidedly worse off. His knee cap is cracked down the centre, he has a concussion, his heel has a hairline fracture, two of his knuckles are broken, and there’s some damage to his solar plexus. That’s aside from a nasty laceration on his forehead, and his hip is going to be sore for a while. I assume you’d like me to heal his major injuries?”
“Of course, but leave anything less serious than broken bones. He’s got to learn what happens when you fight.”
“Shove that horn up your ass,“ Kevin shot at Twilight, “I’ve had worse. I know what happens in a fight better than you.”
“He’s right,” Jiminy cut in, “there’s signs of some pretty bad wounds in his past. Unless I miss my guess, he nearly had his neck broken once.”
Kevin grunted an affirmative. “Big bastard threw me off a roof. He’s dead now.”
Twilight inhaled sharply. “You killed him?”
Kevin wheezed out a small laugh. “Never got the chance. A man I was working for cut his throat for trying to kill me.”
“What exactly did you do, Kevin? That’s not normal!”
“Work,” Kevin said, his tone one of complete finality.
“Kevin,” Twilight said in a warning tone.
The faint ghost of a smile played on Kevin’s lips. “Work,” he repeated.
Twilight let out a raspy, annoyed groan.
Kevin’s smile grew a little.
“Kevin,” Twilight began again in a very reasonable tone, “I swear that you can tell me. I can keep a secret.”
“So?” Kevin asked, glancing over at the small unicorn. She looked almost hurt.
“You don’t trust me,” she stated, confident she was right.
Kevin’s smile faded. “Don’t take it personal. Trust gets a body dead where I come from.”
“This isn’t where you came from,” Twilight reminded him.
Kevin locked his lips and shook his head.
“Well, if you feel like trusting the pony that’s letting you stay in her home, I’ll be at the library.”
With that, Twilight winked away.
“All done,” Jiminy said. “You’ll be sore, but mobile.”
Kevin blinked, surprised he hadn’t noticed Jiminy’s healing magic. With a loud groan, he pushed himself upright and stood firm. Jiminy had been truthful, he was a little sore but no sharp pains assaulted his nerves. A few stretches, and he found his movement wasn’t impeded at all.
Rarity groaned, and Kevin directed his attention at the white unicorn. She was staring at him with no small amount of respect and what seemed to be satisfaction.
“Kevin, do me one favour and all your sins will be forgiven.”
“What?”
“The next time a stallion offends me, do to him what you did to me.”
“Aye, I can do that for a friend.”
Rarity’s smile was wide and beaming. “You’re a darling when you’re sober.”
Kevin made a short, mocking bow and offered his hand to help Rarity up. The unicorn accepted with a gracious nod, and before long the pair were walking back towards her boutique.
“Say,” Rarity began curiously, “how in the world are you so fast? I thought you would fight like a thug, given your size.”
Kevin blinked once in surprise, then laughed his harsh and roaring laugh. “My size? I’m tiny!”
Now Rarity blinked. “You mean humans get bigger than you?”
Kevin nodded. “Six foot isn’t that rare.”
Rarity shook her head once. “My, a race of giants. Do humans get much stronger than you, or just taller?”
Kevin grinned. “I once knew a man that could life a six hundred pound chunk of iron by himself.”
Rarity did a double take, utterly shocked that a mortal being could be so strong. “My heavens! It’s completely unheard of for a unicorn or pegasus to be that strong here, although some of the larger earth ponies could match that. Why, Applejack could probably come close. Some advice from the heart Kevin, never fight an earth pony if you can avoid it. It’s almost unnatural how strong they are, and they simply never stay down.”
Kevin flexed his hands. “Slow though, I’ll bet.”
“Well, yes,” Rarity conceded, “but it hardly matters. You don’t know very much about the three tribes do you?”
Kevin shook his head, not understanding what she meant.
“The unicorns, the pegasi, and the earth ponies. Each have strengths and weaknesses in combat. Unicorns have magic, pegasi are extremely fast both in the air and on the ground, and earth ponies are tough and strong. You’re faster than an earth pony, but slower than most pegasi. You’re about as strong as a pegasus too.”
“And I've got magic,” Kevin cut in, flexing his fingers and producing a small ball of cherry red flame with a muttered word.
Rarity’s eyes widened. “You never told me humans can use magic!”
“We can’t. I can. Won it in a bet with Celestia.”
Kevin didn’t understand how, but Rarity’s already white face blanched. “You gambled? With Celestia? With one of the Other? Are you insane?” the unicorn practically hissed. “Do you know how dangerous that is? Did she tell you that she’ll be back? The Other love bargains and wagers! You’ll never be rid of her.”
Kevin shrugged. “Why should I care? I won’t take a bet I don’t like.”
Rarity sighed in exasperation. “You don’t understand Kevin. The Princesses are wonderful beings for Other, but they’re still Other. They don’t think like us, and they have different standards. Exact words and loopholes play a large part of their society. So does the concept of revenge. You won a bet with Celestia, she’ll be compelled to balance that. She’ll keep coming back for more wagers, with increasingly higher stakes, until she’s won more from you than you could from her. She won’t be open about it either, she’ll trick you. Luna is even worse.”
Kevin stared at the unicorn, sceptical. “I’ve met ‘em both. They seemed nice enough.”
“Oh they are!” Rarity agreed as she opened the door to her combined shop and home, “wonderful beings, some of the best. They’re generous, kind, and exceedingly well spoken. That doesn’t mean they’re safe to gamble with.”
Kevin shrugged again. “Too late to go back now.”
“Indeed it is, and for your sake you’d best hope I’m being paranoid. Would you care to come in for a moment, perhaps chat a while?”
Kevin shook his head. “I need to stretch me legs, do some running and climbin’.”
“Climbing, whatever do you mean?”
Kevin smiled at the unicorn. “Go to your upstairs window.”
Rarity cocked her head, but closed her door. Kevin heard hoofsteps as he stepped back and examined the building, putting Jiminy on his shoulder as he did. After a few moments planning a route up the side, he jumped and grabbed a frilly overhang over the door. Hauling himself up with just his arms, he found he had little room and so he plastered himself against the building. He jumped again, grabbing the metal support of an ornamental pony and hoping it would hold.
It did, and so Kevin climbed hand over hand until he was standing on top the fake equine. Another jump and he hauled himself up to stand beside the window, waiting for Rarity. A few moments later, the window opened. Rarity’s head poked out, looking down and around for Kevin. With a grin, Kevin slipped in the window over Rarity and landed in a crouch.
Rarity shrieked in surprise, but calmed down when she realised what had happened. “You climbed that wall faster than I walked up the stairs? That’s amazing!”
Kevin grinned. “And for my next trick, I’ll need you to step away from the window and leave it open.”
Rarity looked confused again but did as she was asked. Jiminy wisely decided to abandon his position and hopped away to stand on the sill. “I’ll see you on the ground, Kevin.”
Rarity looked at the cricket and raised an eyebrow. “You talk?”
“I talk,” Jiminy confirmed before hopping clear out the window. Kevin stepped back, and shooed Rarity further away the window. When she was well clear, he ran and took a dive from the window, throwing himself as far as he could to clear the overhangs on the side of the building. He heard a shocked gasp from behind him, but ignored it. He needed to concentrate now; if he landed wrong he’d snap his neck.
His fingers touched the ground first, and with a light flex he turned his headfirst dive into a forward roll onto his feet, taking a few jogging steps to kill his momentum. A glance behind nearly made him stumble and fall, as Rarity was hanging out the window with her jaw so far down it looked dislocated. With a jaunty two finger salute, Kevin picked up his pace and began running through Ponyville with a marathon stride, hoping Jiminy could keep up.
Kevin was only a hundred yards away from the boutique when a little pop sounded in his ear. A spared glanced informed him Jiminy could teleport.
“Pray tell, Kevin, where are we going?”
Kevin loosely waved an arm out towards Ponyville, saving his breath. Jiminy chirped happily. “Oh, a little adventure! This should be interesting.”
Kevin smiled before he poured on more speed, accelerating to a sprint. Jiminy held on tight, his little antenna blowing about the breeze as Kevin fair flew through Ponyville, oblivious to the stares and shouts of surprised ponies. He noticed a cart full of boxes placed next to a low roofed building, and with a few solid leaps he was on Ponyville’s rooftops.
It was tricky terrain, the roofs mostly being made of straw with thick beam supports. Kevin quickly discovered that if he stayed on the high points, there would always be a board there that he could comfortably run along. The gaps he had to jump were a little longer than Kevin was used to, but his powerful legs made the distance trivial after he dialed down how hard he needed to jump.
“Woo hoo!” yelled Jiminy, still clinging firm as Kevin recklessly pounded along Ponyville’s architecture. Smiling at the little cricket’s appreciation, Kevin decided to fancy his display up a little. Before leaping the next gap between roofs, Kevin hopped to make a short one hundred and eighty degree turn before pushing backwards with his legs and arms while twisting his upper body around. The world tumbled and turned as he flipped backwards, rotating to face forward again as his feet met the next roof before Kevin tore across the short house and leapt down to the ground, somersaulting forwards as he fell to land in a crouch.
He started off again at a light jogging pace, giving himself a small rest even though he wasn’t yet breathing hard.
“You are a nutter, and I love it!” Jiminy proclaimed from his perilous position of Kevin’s shoulder, “What’s next, running straight up a wall?”
Kevin smiled, turned to directly face a brick wall, and picked up speed again.
“Now, Kevin, I didn’t mean that literally,” Jiminy said, sounding nervous. “Gravity goes down, and you can’t beat gravity. You’ve got no wings.”
Kevin just smiled broader.
He planted his foot on the wall and leaned forward, pushing hard against his toes. His boots gripped. He planted a second step, then used his third to flip backwards with another one hundred and eighty degree spin to land solidly on both feet. He leaned back against the wall, and looked at his little passenger. “What was that about gravity?” he asked.
“You just broke my understanding of physics. Ponies can’t do that sort of thing. Can you explain how it’s done?”
Kevin lifted a foot and pointed at the sole of his boot. “Grip and forward motion. That’s why I had to run pretty quick to do it. Had to get moving fast enough to push enough on my boots for them to grip the wall.”
Jiminy tilted his head. “Huh, that makes sense. Putting friction and momentum to work for you. Must have been a useful skill back home.”
“Yep.”
“Care to explain how? I swear I’ll keep it secret.”
“Nope.”
“Kevin, I’m bound to serve you. If I swear something to you, I physically can’t go back on that. Humour an old cricket’s curiosity.”
“Nope.”
“Then I’ll go get Celestia and tell her you’ve been keeping secrets from her.”
Kevin glared at the little cricket. “No you won’t.”
“I can go fetch her and be back here in less than two seconds. Try me.”
Kevin flicked the little cricket away from his shoulder and walked away. Less than two seconds later, he heard a familiar voice from behind him.
“I do love secrets Kevin. Perhaps you should explain.”
Kevin whipped around, only to see Jiminy there alone. “You copied her voice?” he asked.
“Exactly, and I noticed you had quite the reaction. I really can go get her you know. Or perhaps Luna. Maybe I’ll even give her a bottle to spank you with.”
Kevin glared at the cricket again, but it had no effect. The little insect was too great a creature to be intimated by him. Relenting, he sat down and motioned for Jiminy to hop over. He did.”Swear to me you’ll never ask about my past again or tell anyone I’m hiding it.”
“I do so swear it,” Jiminy said by reflex.
“Good. That means you can’t go get Celestia.”
Jiminy was silent a moment, then chuckled. “Well played, Kevin. I would have expected that from one of the Other, or most of The Fae, but not from a mortal.”
“So the Faeries are real then?”
“Oh yes, though they don’t deal with mortals very often anymore. Very powerful, very quick tempered, altogether bad types to be around.”
“Sounds like the faerie tales I know. Now, let’s be off.”
“So I don’t get to know what you used to do just yet.”
Kevin pretended to think a moment before shaking his head and standing. “Not yet. Maybe later.”
“Well, I think you should at least tell Twilight. You’re sleeping in one of her beds, remember. She can throw you out if she wants.”
“I met her two nights ago. I’ve spent a few hours with her. If I told her now, she’d blow a blood vessel before trying to kill me.”
Jiminy whistled low and quiet. “That bad?”
Kevin nodded.
“You may then wish to consider a new place of residence. She’s curious, that one. It’ll be trouble for you.”
Kevin shrugged. “Can’t ‘till I start gettin’ paid.”
“That’s true, I suppose. Good luck to you, I have the feeling you’ll need it,”
“Sooner rather than later,” Kevin said quietly, motioning out towards the street. A group of some four ponies were advancing towards him with a purposeful step and unpleasant glares in their eyes. “I just finished a fight,” he lamented in a disinterested tone, “I could go for a day’s peace.”
“I only see one Pegasus,” Jiminy pointed out, “run. No way will they catch you.”
“One Pegasus, one fall off a roof, one broken neck,” Kevin said, his voice still disinterested.
“Good point.”
Kevin stood, relaxed and loose, as the ponies neared.
“Look boys, it’s the ape that went after Rarity!” said the lone pegasus of the group, a small but leanly muscled pony with a boring brown and green colour scheme.
“S’hat so?” one of the two Earth Ponies in the group drawled. “Maybe we should learn him some manners, lads.”
Kevin fervently wished he had held on to his baseball bat for a little longer. Instead, he reached into a pocket with his left hand and pulled out his straight razor. With a practiced motion, he flipped it open and lazily threw it into the air. He caught it by the blade in his right hand before flipping it again to grasp the handle.
“I’m tired, I’m sore, I need a drink, and I’m hungry. You’ve got a bone to pick, you can wait. I’ll be here tomorrow. I’ll take you on all at once then if it makes your dicks hard. You wanna take it up right now, I’ll slit yer throats and leave ye here, and to hell with what happens after. Savvy?”
He didn’t raise his voice, he didn’t have to. He delivered his threat in the same way he might tell a friend that he read a good book recently. It had a profound effect on the ponies, who shuffled from hoof to hoof nervously except for the Pegasus, who glared defiantly at the human.
“Don’t get the wrong idea here,” the Unicorn in the group said in a shaky, alto voice, “we weren’t gonna gonna hurt ya none.”
“Horseapples,” the Pegasus spat, “he’s bluffing. He knows Celestia would have his flank for that.”
Kevin took one step towards the Pegasus. “Next step puts me in range,” he commented.
The Pegasus took one step forward, and Kevin smiled. “You’ve got balls,” the human said before taking a large stride forward and kicking the Pegasus in the jaw, the steel toe of his boot landing with an unceremonious thud.
To his credit, the Pegasus stayed standing despite going wall-eyed.
“Yer right,” the human said in a happy, bubbly tone as he pocketed his razor. “I’m not gonna kill ya.”
Kevin took off at a full sprint, confident the Pegasus wouldn’t be a threat. A little pop told him Jiminy had joined him. He had expected that, and so he kept up his pace. It wasn’t long before he heard four sets of hooves thundering after him, but he had the lead and therefore the advantage.
Kevin picked an alleyway at random and turned into it, his shoulder clipping the far wall in his reluctance to slow down.
“Glad to see you have some sense,” Jiminy said in Kevin's ear. “I really thought you were going to kill him for a moment there.”
Kevin smiled fiercely, but wasted no breath on words. Instead, he focused on keeping track of the turns he was making. He made left turns whenever he could, hoping that ponies had a natural inclination to turn right like a human. Seeing an open street directly ahead, he slowed and did his best to blend in.
Being the only human in town made that problematic, and so he quickly abandoned the attempt and ducked into another alley. Picking up his pace again, he hoped that he had lost his pursuers, but left nothing to chance and continued on his odd and winding path.
Unbeknownst to him, the Pegasus was flight capable again, and trailing him from above. Waiting until the human stopped a moment to catch his breath several minutes later, Hazelnut banked away towards where his friends were waiting.
Kevin sat on a convenient crate, huffing and puffing curses about he needed to quit smoking. Jiminy sat on his shoulder, tapping a little rhythm with three of his legs and wondering if he should help the human. Deciding he could use the lesson, the little cricket opted to hop off the human's shoulder and wait for him to be mobile again. Idly chirping a little tune as he explored the narrow confines of the alley, it came as a great surprise to both him and Kevin to hear a voice.
“Looks like the monkey's a coward, boys!”
Kevin looked up sharply and saw the two Earth Ponies blocking his way forward. A glance to the other side showed the Pegasus and Unicorn blocking the way back. Cursing under his breath, the human stood up slowly and forced himself to relax. Four on one was bad for him, especially with a Unicorn present. He had his one spell, but burning a pony alive didn't strike him as an appealing option while he still had other choices. The Pegasus would be bad as well, but he was fairly certain he could win that fight. Rainbow had rushed him in the Everfree, and it had been pretty simple to avoid her. The Earth Ponies, though. They were unknowns. He hadn't yet fought one sober, and Rarity's warning about their strength worried him.
Deciding his best option would be to avoid the Unicorn, he took off in a run directly at the two Earth Ponies. A bright light flashed over his shoulder and he heard the sound of wings flapping, but by that time he was already prepared to go where the Earth Ponies couldn't touch him.
Making sure to keep his momentum up, he angled towards the stone wall of the alley and planted a boot firmly on the surface. Pushing hard and throwing his body weight against the foot, he planted three more steps before pushing off hard and throwing himself into a tight somersault over the heads of the obstructing ponies. Landing off balance, he nearly stumbled before catching himself and running on.
The ponies chased him again, and this time they were much closer. Beyond that, Kevin hadn't fully caught his breath, and he knew he wouldn't be able to keep up the pace much longer. A small pop announced Jiminy's arrival, and Kevin tore down the next opening he found.
It turned out to be a short alley opening directly to the street, but Kevin no longer cared. He could hear the pounding of hooves behind him, and thought perhaps the public eye could persuade them to give up their chase. Unfortunately for him, he had underestimated the determination of the offending ponies to give him a thrashing, and they tore through the street paying no heed to the shouts and surprised looks the townsponies gave them.
Passing an alley, he felt a sharp force stop his forward motion and yank him to the side. As he scrambled to his feet, he noticed a single mint green Unicorn staring at him with intrigued, golden eyes. She seemed oddly still, like she wasn’t even breathing.
“You fall forever,” she said, her voice musical and distant, as if reality was some unimportant distraction from her thoughts.
“What?’ Kevin replied, completely confused and huffing for breath.
“You fall forever,” the Unicorn repeated. “You fall and land on your feet again and again.”
“She’s referring to your stride,” Jiminy explained, “you lean forward and throw one leg forward, using gravity to help you move.”
“Yes,” the Unicorn said, “Strider falls forever.”
“Strider?” Kevin asked in amusement. “I’m somethin’, but I ain’t quite him.”
The Unicorn smiled. “I’m Lyra Heartstrings.”
Kevin nodded. “Kevin Kieran. Mind explainin’ why you yanked me in here?”
“You were being chased. Being chased by four ponies isn’t very much fun, especially if they catch you,” she said as if it were the simplest thing in the world.
“Thanks for that, but they probably-“
“There he is!” exclaimed a familiar voice, cutting Kevin off.
“Not an issue,” Lyra said, “they won’t bother you when I’m around.”
Lyra moved, positioning herself in front of Kevin. The human noted that she seemed to flow as she walked, every movement natural and taken as it came, nothing planned. It was odd to see. Jiminy whistled before whispering in Kevin’s ear.
“See the way she moves? She’s dangerous, more so than you. Watch this.”
Kevin directed his eyes towards the unicorn, and again noticed she seemed to be eerily still. The way she stood there seemed to broadcast utter calm, complete and total confidence. The ponies chasing Kevin stood in front of her, obviously nervous, even the cocksure Pegasus.
“Are you causing trouble again, Hazelnut?” Lyra asked, her voice still distant.
“No Miss Lyra,” Hazelnut replied politely, “the ape there is our friend, we’re just playing a little game is all.”
Kevin grunted a wordless negative. Lyra lifted a single eyebrow. “Never lie to me Hazelnut. In the future, please leave Strider alone. It wouldn’t be very fun if I had to step in.”
“With all due respect, it isn’t your business,” Hazelnut pointed out, ignoring his friends shuffling away from him.
“Strider is my friend, which makes it my business.” Kevin nodded eagerly from behind Lyra. He had no desire to get in another fight while he was still sore from the last one. “If you’d like, I could take his place in your business. I’m sure Strider won’t mind.”
“That won’t be necessary,” Hazelnut said quickly. “It’s a personal thing, something he needs to deal with himself.”
“You’re very stubborn,” Lyra said, “please leave.”
Hazelnut glared at Lyra, his temper seeming to get the better of him. “Now look here Lyra, this doesn’t concern you! Let us through to the ape!”
The Pegasus took one step forward.
Lyra hardly even moved. She shifted her weight rearwards, lowered her head slightly, and positioned one front hoof back slightly. “Please stop,” she said quietly, “I don’t like fighting.”
Hazelnut took another step forward.
Lyra’s horn lit up, as an aura surrounded Hazelnut’s front hooves. She pulled them out from under him before pulling forward, forcing his face onto the ground and dragging him swiftly towards her. As the Pegasus passed her front hooves, she stomped once and his face hit the ground with a dull thud. He didn't get up.
Kevin blinked. The attack had been fast. Even with his razor reflexes, he doubted he could compete with Lyra’s speed.
“He’ll wake up in a few minutes with a headache. Let’s get you to where you're going, Strider.”
Kevin nodded, following Lyra as she flowed past the other three ponies in Hazelnut’s group. Wisely, the two Earth Ponies and the lone Unicorn stepped aside to let Lyra and Kevin leave in peace.
When Lyra walked into her library, Twilight thought all was well. When Kevin followed her, she quickly adjusted her opinion.
Twilight had no objection to Kevin socialising. In fact, she thought it would do him a great amount of good. She did not, however, think that a friendship between a very dangerous and eccentric unicorn and anger prone human newly gifted with magic could possibly end well, or in fact end in any way other than an enormous fireball in the centre of Canterlot.
‘Why Canterlot?’ she thought. ‘Why is it always Canterlot?’
“Hello Kevin, Lyra,” Twilight said in greeting. “What brings you here?”
“Sanctuary,” replied Lyra. “It seems Hazelnut has some issues with Strider. He brought friends.”
“Strider?” Twilight asked, looking at Kevin.
“Her name,” Kevin said, “not mine.”
Twilight nodded, accustomed to Lyra’s oddities. “And issues with Hazelnut?”
Kevin, ever the eloquent gentlemen, answered with a shrug. Lyra, ever helpful, expounded. “He seems to have taken offense to something Strider has said or done. I would say more, but I’m afraid only Strider’s eye can see those cards.”
Twilight lifted an eyebrow. The human shrugged again, leaving Twilight to curse his selective secretiveness. “Kevin,” She said in a warning tone, deciding it was worth at least a small effort.
Kevin shrugged again, but spoke as he did. “Pissed off over Rarity.”
“Ah,” Twilight said, understanding. “You and Rarity are friends now though, aren’t you?”
“Hazelnut appears to have missed that small detail,” Lyra said. “He’s not known for his observance or intelligence when it comes to mares.”
Twilight chuckled under her breath. “Yeah, he’s a big ball of hormones some of the time.”
Lyra shook her head slowly. “Ponies tell me I have problems, and yet Hazelnut is considered popular. Hazelnut can be outright dangerous, and you’re laughing about it. I don’t understand you, Twilight.”
“Well,” Twilight began, “it’s a social thing. Hazelnut is outgoing, and he can be really funny. He’s usually pretty nice to ponies too, which helps.”
“He’s unstable,” Lyra countered, “he sees insults where none exist and takes offense at simple reality. He attacked Strider without provocation and was willing to attack me to reach him. He isn’t safe to socialise with.”
“Well, he’s just got a way with words sometimes I suppose. He’s likeable.”
Lyra shook her head again. “I don’t think I’ll ever understand any of you,” she said sadly. “May we please change the subject?”
“Certainly,” Twilight answered. “I just finished Kevin's foci a few minutes ago. He needs to test it, and I know you've got some skill with magic. Care to watch?”
Lyra nodded eagerly, and so Twilight picked up Kevin's bat with a vaguely disdainful expression and lightly tossed it to him. Easily catching it in a single hand, Kevin examined the carvings and was astounded by the intricacy and detail of the carvings. A quiet gasp from Lyra told him that it was indeed quality work.
“Twilight,” Lyra asked, “those runes are illegal. He can't have that.” In answer, Kevin pulled out his little badge and Lyra nodded in understanding. “How odd,” was her only other comment.
“Very,” Twilight agreed quickly, trying to cut off Kevin. She realised that wasn't necessary as she saw Kevin idly flipping the bat about so quickly it blurred, testing it's balance. She was quite surprised to see how easily he handled the unwieldy object at high speeds, surmising he had experience doing exactly that. She filed away that information as a clue about his origins before opening the door and motioning for her guests to lead the way.
Standing at the very edge of Ponyville's town limits, Kevin finally asked the obvious question.
“Where the hell are we going?”
“Right here,” Twilight answered. “Or, to be more accurate, three feet forwards. I need to cast a very specific spell, and it's illegal in town limits.”
Lyra cocked her head. “Please explain.”
“A variant of teleportation. If we test Kevin's foci here, ponies could get hurt. And we wouldn't want that, would we, Kevin?”
Kevin, in a rare moment of wisdom, silently shook his head and took three steps forward. Lyra and Twilight followed close behind, and after a moments pause to ensure Jiminy was situated firmly on Kevin's shoulder, the powerful Unicorn's horn flashed brightly. For a moment, Kevin was blinded by the light, and when he next opened his eyes he found himself staring at a barren desert.
“Next question,” Kevin said quietly, “where are we now?”
Twilight smiled a little before answering. “An idea. To be more specific, I once had an idea for a short story. This is it, or what's left of it anyway. It's a perfect place to test new spells, because there's nothing here I care about. There actually used to be a forest here, and you do not want to know where it went. Now, Kevin, we only have a few hours here before things start to get a little weird. We'd better start right away. First, let me see your right hand.”
Kevin obediently held out his hand, and faster than he could see a small knife appeared and slashed his palm. “What the fuck?” he screamed as he jerked it back, only for Twilight to stare at him unamused.
“Blood, Kevin. You've seen it before I assume, and we need some of yours right now. Put the cut directly against the pommel of the bat, it'll bind the foci to you and activate the runes. The process of binding should heal it, but you'll have a scar. It's not unusual.” Twilight lifted a hoof in demonstration, and Kevin saw several fine lines of a darker lavender running crosswise alongside the back of her leg. He glanced at Lyra, and the minty Unicorn revealed similar scars.
Instead of wasting time guessing how their coats could scar, Kevin grabbed the pommel of his foci and held on a firmly as he could. It hurt at first, which he had expected, but almost immediately the pain began to fade and the runes carved in the wood began to glow a dark, angry red.
“Well that's unusual,” Twilight said, eyebrow firmly raised. “That colour will be the colour of your aura to any being that knows how to see it, and aura's reflect experiences and personalities. Red is the rarest colour, and to be honest all we know about it is that every pony from recorded history with a red aura either accomplished something great, died trying, or both at once. There's no other pattern we can see.”
Kevin shrugged, but made no comment. Very shortly after, the runes ceased glowing and Kevin relaxed his grip on the bat. “And now for our feature presentation, I do what?”
Twilight gestured out towards the desert, and a round, wooden target that hadn't existed a moment before simply popped into existence. No light, no sound, no dramatic rise through the sand. It was not, and then it was. “Try to hit that target with a force spell,” Twilight suggested. “Just imagine what you want to do, and the foci will do the rest.”
Kevin nodded, pointed the bat directly at the target, and thought a moment. Several runes on the bat reignited red, and sparks danced along the length of the bat. Almost instantly, the bat kicked slightly in Kevin's hand, though he could see nothing that would cause the motion. Nearly instantly, the target exploded violently with a sharp, ringing crack.
“Well shit,” Kevin muttered, staring down at the bat wide eyed.
“Now you know why you need a foci,” Jiminy said in his ear.
Turning to Twilight, Kevin made a vague gesture towards the bat. The Unicorn smiled and nodded. “All foci. You didn't put any more magic into that spell than you would lighting a candle. Now we should test some of the more physical aspects.” Again, targets simply appeared from nowhere, but this time they appeared no more than five feet in front of Kevin. “Swing at those targets,” Twilight said, “and focus on hitting as hard as you can. Some of the runes should activate.”
Kevin nodded, took a step forwards, and lined the first target up. He raised his bat, thought as hard as he could, and swung. A rune ignited on the bat and Kevin felt something change, but the target simply ducked beneath the swing. Kevin turned towards a grinning Twilight, and he understood.
Facing the targets again, he held the bat in a light one handed grip. He still thought hard, and as he did he brought the bat around in an ornate and high speed pattern, passing it from hand to hand and behind his back with seemingly no effort. The target in front of him moved again, but it was hesitant this time, not knowing where or how Kevin would strike. Kevin grinned, and fast as lighting brought the bat upwards in an uppercut strike. A rune again ignited fiery red, again he felt something change, but this time the target couldn't move quickly enough. The bat landed solidly against the centre of the wooden circle, and with another ringing crack it shattered.
Kevin immediately dropped the bat with a curse, expecting the vibration of the wood to shatter his wrist. Twilight, Lyra, and Jiminy all laughed, leaving the lone human glaring angrily at the two Unicorns and flicking Jiminy off his shoulder.
“A foci will never hurt it's owner,” Twilight explained. “That's part of the binding process. It wouldn't be very useful if you broke a bone every time you hit something, would it?”
Kevin nodded, muttering darkly under his breath as he picked up the bat and faced the remaining four targets. He stepped into the middle of the four, and the targets began to flit about around him, circling him quickly. Twirling his foci again, he gave a moments thought before lashing out towards a target.
The target exploded, and before the dust had cleared he had already knocked two more of the targets out the air with loud cracks. The lone remaining target retreated as quickly as it was able, and Kevin let it go, certain it would return.
Lyra cleared her throat behind him. Turning his head, he saw a little gleam in her eye and a small grin forming. “Twilight, please give me control of the last target,” she said softly, and the lavender Unicorn nodded, keeping her expression carefully blank.
Kevin gave a fierce, toothy grin of his own before turning back to face the lone target. It moved differently now, much faster and more aggressively than it had under Twilight's control. Instead of retreating from or circling him, it blasted directly towards him with surprising speed. Quickly judging the height and trajectory of the target, Kevin simply waited until it was mere feet away before jumping and rolling his shoulder towards it.
He had judged correctly, and his shoulder landed squarely on the target. The speed of it's passing rolled him over the target, and he landed easily after a quick mid air turn to remain facing the target. He could practically feel Lyra's surprise as she readjusted her perceptions of Kevin and brought the target around again. This time, he simply raised the bat by his side in a single hand and waited.
When he judged the target was too close to break off, he let himself fall backwards and swung the bat in a short, fast overhead arc. The target tilted wildly, Lyra doing what she could to minimize the blow, but the bat still struck true and the target split in half with a crack.
Kevin smiled at Lyra while he drew himself to his feet. He was somewhat surprised to see her grinning right back, and even more surprised when his legs were swept out from under him by the two halves of the destroyed target.
“Revenge is a fascinating concept, wouldn't you agree?” Lyra asked no one in particular.
Twilight silently agreed, wondering if the question had been rhetorical. Lyra smiled a little wider as Kevin cursed colourfully while he drew himself to his feet again, and broke out into a fit of giggles when he directed a sharp glare at her.
“Note to self,” he said, just loud enough to be heard. “The green one can be a bitch.”
Lyra stopped laughing, and cocked her head in confusion. “A bitch is a dog though, and I'm a Pony.”
Kevin shrugged. “Details, details. Not important.”
Twilight's face turned an interesting shade of red, but Lyra chuckled and waved a hoof to cut off the inevitable tirade. “I can accept that. Are there more tests?”
Twilight stammered briefly, but quickly regained composure as her coat returned to its normal lavender. “Of course. We have to test every rune on the foci before we can be sure it won't react badly to anything Kevin asks it to do.”
“React badly?” Kevin asked.
“As much as I reinforced it, it's still a baseball bat. It might not be able to take the strain of some of the more powerful spells you can channel through it,” Twilight answered.
“And what happens if it can't?”
“Very bad things,” Twilight said in a flat tone. “Next test is fire.”
Over an hour later, an exhausted, bruised, and singed Kevin slumped to his knees. “Mercy!” he panted, “mercy on a poor damned soul!”
Twilight stared helplessly at the begging human. “Kevin, these tests are essential. If your foci fails when you're on an assignment, you could die!”
“I'll die if you don't stop this torture!” Kevin weazed back as he prodded at a dark blue hoofprint showing through a large hole in his shirt. “Me lungs'll fall out!”
“Then you need the exercise,” Twilight said. “You'll be expected to fight a lot longer than this when you go on duty.”
“No he won't” Jiminy piped up from Lyra's shoulder, making the minty Unicorn jump and earning a glare from Twilight. “Well, it's true.”
“You aren't helping,” Twilight said. “Kevin needs to keep going, and that's the end of it.”
Kevin sighed. “How many more tests?”
Twilight's mouth twitched up into a tiny grin. “About thirty. Then we can leave.”
“Never in my life have I hated a pony more,” Kevin muttered, but he stood up.
“Next is earth magic.”
Some time later, a small flash of light announced the return of the four companions. Kevin lay prone on the ground, twitching occasionally as Twilight and Lyra walked away discussing the strong points and weak points of his magic.
“Which one?” Jiminy asked as he hopped onto the hoofmark on Kevin's chest. “I wasn't looking.”
“Purple,” Kevin muttered darkly as he tried to gain control of his limbs.
“Ah,” Jiminy said knowingly, “And it's been less than a day since you made her angry. Just imagine tomorrow.”
“No,” Kevin refused, his voice strengthening slightly.
“Whatever you want,” Jiminy said with a shrug. “Do you want me to help you up?”
Kevin didn't dignify that with a proper response, instead rolling backwards and springing up to his feet in what was meant to be one smooth, practiced motion that sent Jiminy sailing into a bush. Instead, his feet barely reached the ground and he staggered backwards as Jiminy fell to the ground. “No.”
The human stalked forward, brow furrowed in concentration as he forced his limbs to stop convulsing. With a small pop, Jiminy appeared on his shoulder and snickered. “You pushed yourself too hard. You've hardly got any magic reserves left, enough for some basic spells but nothing flashy. That's why your body is twitching, it wants that power back.”
Kevin grumbled incoherently.
“Recovery time for magical withdrawal is normally a few hours, sometimes a day or so. I wouldn't rely on that though, every other creature in the cosmos who can experience it has a regenerative, internal store of magic. You're unique.”
“Really?” Kevin grunted.
“Yep. Granting magic to an inherently non-magical creature is completely new territory as far as I know. Creatures with inactive magic have been granted the right before, but you don't even have that. That makes you extremely rare, even among your own species.”
Kevin nearly tripped on flat ground.
“Do try to stay upright,” Jiminy chuckled, “but I'm telling the truth. Most humans have some small reserve of magic in them. Not enough to do much of anything in most cases, but there have been, in my lifetime, three exceptions. You've probably heard of Jesus, Merlin, and David Copperfield?”
Kevin stopped in his tracks. “Copperfield.”
“He's the real deal.”
“I would have thought Houdini,” Kevin said, his voice resigned. “Or Elvis.”
“Houdini had more than most, that's why he was so strong and flexible. As for Elvis, he was just a visitor.”
“No. Just no.”
“Yes. He was a minor Fae noble on vacation. He got called back home early, some nasty business on the far border of their realm.”
“Why am I still surprised?” Kevin asked as he started walking again, his gait still forced and awkward. “Magic, gods, talking ponies, Eldritch crickets, and I'm surprised that Elvis really did go home.”
“Sanity, Kevin. Sanity.”
Kevin grunted skeptically, but continued his determined trudge after the two Unicorns.
“Yes, it is quite inconvenient isn't it?”
Kevin grunted again, this time with an unmistakable finality about it. He struggled back to the library in silence, and without so much as nodding at Twilight climbed the too small ladder and passed out on the floor beside his borrowed bed.
The dark was overwhelming, but Kevin paid it little mind. The concealing darkness was a greater comfort to him than the revealing light. Standing stock still atop a roof, he observed the city beneath him.
People in groups walked beneath him, hurrying past the mouths of alleys and lingering in the small pools of light offered by the street lamps. Kevin snorted quietly at them, thinking them fools. Prey, waiting in plain view.
Turning on one heel, he prepared to begin his descent, but stopped and raised his head sharply. His instincts screamed that he was not alone. He searched the nearby rooftops are thoroughly as he could, but saw nothing. He frowned.
He had trained his senses since he was a small child, needing them to avoid the drunken brute that was his father. He had kept them sharp all through his teenage years, using them daily in his work. In all that time, his instincts had only been wrong once.
He sat down, closed his eyes, and listened to the whispers of the world. Far above him, Luna watched in admiration. She had not even entered the world of his dreams, merely opened the eye of her moon, and he had sensed it.
Here was a predator, the like of which Equestria had not seen for uncounted moons. If he had been a Pegasus, she would have come to him when he woke and offered him the armour of her Night Guard. As it was, she slowly began to weave the fabric of his dream.
Kevin's ear twitched, and fast as lightning he stood, turned, and raised his left arm. A small club thudded painfully against his wrist, almost breaking it. His attacker stepped back in shock, but a boot crashed into his chest mid stride. With a shout, he felt himself flung backward and over the edge of the roof. The scream fading as the unfortunate thug fell, Kevin rubbed his wrist and sat down again.
Luna blinked. He had not hesitated to take a life. The Goddess quietly readjusted her opinion of the human as she closed her moons eye, determining not to intrude any further. For the remainder of that long night, Kevin sat still as death upon the rooftop.
“Sister,” said Celestia, “you look shaken.”
Luna stood and cracked her neck before stepping off of her bed. “We are. We have taken it upon Ourselves to observe the dreams of Equestria's newest servant.”
The temperature in the room dropped several degrees. “What did you see?”
“Hunger,” Luna said quietly, remembering the small groups of people walking down the streets. “Terrible hunger, pride, and anger. We saw death. He is as alien to the little ones as any Other. He is a wolf with a ponies mind.”
Celestia sighed. “Who else to fight our kind?”
“We know,” Luna agreed, her expression dark. “We do not have to like it.”