With Spike absent due to his royal duties in Canterlot, Discord and Big Mac are left to their own devices. Discord just wants to find the perfect gift for Fluttershy, but such a task is easier said than done. For better or for worse, everypony seems to be full of not-so-perfect ideas about couples and gift-giving.
(established relationship: fluttercord)
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Cute. Wholesome. Adorable.
Normally I tend to stick to reading more action/adventure or grimdark content, but this caught my eye and gave me a few laughs. Good job pal.
I'm happy to report that Sassy is very, very, very, very wrong.
1) Always capitalize your title and any proper nouns in your short description.
2) For being a story about a non-binary Discord, this really didn’t live up to that very well. By the end, we get to the point where Discord appears to at least be questioning gender and is very GNC. Actually being concretely non-binary is so lightly dusted here and it’s a bit a let down for someone seeking trans content.
3) You don’t need to put the established relationship part. That’s what groups, character tags, and your story summary is for.
4) Discord isn’t really challenging anything here so much as he’s being a petty bully. Filthy Rich never got to fully defend himself and we don’t know if he was genuinely malicious or not. He might have just assumed what he should keep in stock because he didn’t know better or mean anything intentional.
5) There’s nothing to really suggest that Filthy Rich is a bad pony in the show, so using him here feels more like a need for a straw-pony instead of a good antagonist. I think a character like Spoiled would have been much more fitting for the brief encounter you needed.
6) If Discord is an enby, why didn’t he try introducing some plates with “they” as an option?
7) Don’t use multiple punctuation marks.
8) I hope you continue to write and improve. LGBT representation is lots of fun! Good luck with future stories!
Haven't read this yet, but I'm wondering which pride flag is behind Discord in the coverart?
10457632
aw thank you! i'm glad this made you laugh!
10457699
this is a fanfic lmao, not a grad paper. i'm allowed to stylize. ever heard of e e cummings?
as for the representation, i'm literally nb and wrote this for fun. nb folks don't have to use they/them pronouns, and last time i checked, discord's most noteworthy personality trait is being a petty bully. no one is meant to be a villain here, either. some folks (filthy rich, mrs. cake, etc) are just more ignorant than others. it happens.
10457730
it's the non-binary flag!
10457786
Oh! Neat. :)
Wow.
WOW.
YES.
YESYESYESYESYES.
This is one of the best examples of Discord's personality out there, as well as Fluttershy and Big Mac and Pinkie and I... I just adore this.
Your Discord dialogue is just so on par. I read it in his voice without even trying.
I knew I'd love it after just a few paragraphs. And the fluttercord was so perfect and melty.
And the Romeo and Juliet jokes were hilarious.
I favorite this. I favorite this so hard.
I loved this! Discord's dialogue and actions all felt very in-character. I could easily see and hear him saying and doing everything you wrote.
The Fluttercord moments were adorably sweet. I love how accepting Fluttershy is of Discord, and every single part of him.
I liked that the fact that Discord was non-binary started as a little subtle, but became more and more obvious as the story continued, up until the point he said it to Fluttershy. And him worrying about whether Fluttershy will accept that about him? I could feel that, and it still felt so in-character for him.
I liked the acknowledgement that they might not be about to have foals, but they can adopt.
Oh, and them planning a wedding!
What else...oh, I imagine/hope that Discord wears that dress (or any dress) for Fluttershy, and she compliments him for it.
10457785
The fact that this is fanfic doesn't mean there is an excuse for poor writing habits, especially when your errors are so basic. It's not a suggestion remotely related to grad-school tier writing, punctuation 101 is first/second grade at most. That's an incredibly poor attitude to have towards criticism on your first story.
I'm well-aware that stylizing titles is a thing; I've done it before. I wasn't sure if it was intentional, but by the time I finished the story, there still wasn't any clue to what the purpose was. That's not stylization because stylization (cummings' own style included) has a purpose; this is just lazy.
You being non-binary doesn't mean that your execution of the idea was the best. That would be like me saying that because I'm trans, all stories I write with trans characters are good because of the former and that I'm incapable of writing them as "meh" or poorly. I clicked on this because the pride flag's overtness and the idea of trans Discord is really appealing, and as a trans person I like seeing stories about trans characters. What I got felt more like queerbaiting or a tease of more to come. The scene where Discord comes out wasn't the high point of the story and felt less emphasized than his other shenanigans throughout the town. The way Discord worried about how Fluttershy's relationship would be impacted with this came across as more like Discord is worried about being GNC (or at the very least questioning, like I said in my first comment) instead of Discord being clearly non-binary (hence why this felt like being teased/baited as a reader when the most we get is "I don't feel male or female").
1) I didn't say that they had to, but considering you're giving this the shape of a coming out story, the fact that they/them pronouns aren't ever mentioned at any point as viable options feels incredibly short-sighted. Even the plate scene didn't include them. By the end of the story, the reader isn't sure what pronouns to use for Discord because the matter isn't addressed - just that Discord is "different" as Fluttershy says.
2) That certainly is one of his most notable traits, but you play it in such a way that it's careless. As a reader, I didn't have any sympathy for what Discord was doing and felt way worse for the characters around him. Fluttershy genuinely seems to not care about what Discord gets up to, nor do Discord's other friends, even though in canon they can often drag him kicking and screaming into more "right" directions with socialization. There's no lovable trickster of a fun jerk for many segments in this story, and because he just comes across as a douche for no reason, it's something that readers can lose engagement over. When the description said Discord was "disrupting heteronormativity" I expected to see something other than Discord being a dick to others in a really unfunny way in an attempt to have a point.
3) The way you write Filthy (just gonna use him as an example since he was the strongest point) indirectly villainized him. While characters like Sassy are just ignorant here, the way you have Discord framed as (supposedly, see 2) heroic and Filthy unable to get a word in makes it feel like you're trying to frame him as bigoted. While there isn't a villain in the story, you definitely have an antagonist.
You have a good sense of pacing and knowing basic scene set-up. I like that you had a wide cast in this story and brought up the struggle of gendered products (especially ones that are usually seen as binary) for an enby, even if it wasn't strongly executed. As I said, you're by no means a bad writer nor is this a bad story. It's a very good first story, but that doesn't mean there's nothing to learn from.
Neat fajito. No errors so terrible that I'm dragged out of the story, fun characters, and a good messege. A+ for your first fic here freindo.
10457944
WOW thank you so much! i'm so glad that my discord was able to be relatable while also being in character!
they're so cute...
i like to imagine fluttershy surprising him with a dress at some point and making him barely able to contain his excitement
10457826
i'm so happy that i was able to capture discord's voice in your mind! he absolutely strikes me as the type who would enjoy romeo and juliet as a comedy (much to everyone else's chagrin).
AAA...!!! i've read all of your fluttercord works, and i'm a HUGE fan of your characterizations, so praise from you is quite the compliment!
10458015
actually when you're publishing on the internet going without punctuation or capitalization is a legitimate stylistic choice
the "proper" way to do things is a dialect; written language can have dialects just like spoken ones
all lowercase "sounds" different
When you write in normal casing, that's very matter of fact and neutral. It doesn't have a style, it's just transparent.
WHEN YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPS YOU ARE YELLING
wHeN yOu wrITe LiKe ThIS,
it is unbelievably irritating to do, so I stopped, but it conveys a sense of warbling sound, sonic distortion of some kind. Also frequently used to convey mocking whatever is written in it.
and when you write with no caps and no punctuation it comes across as quiet and stream-of-consciousness
it can be a stylistic choice to write the entire story that way
but usually should only be done for poems, ficlets or very short stories
because it produces a sense of unreality, almost dreamlike, if it goes on too long
WRITING AN ENTIRE STORY LIKE THIS SHOULD BASICALLY ALMOST NEVER HAPPEN
I'm not even going to do the ransom note style, I think it goes without saying, don't write a story like that.
but this form is legit for short text
such as:
title
summary
a poem
a very short story where you're going for a poetic effect or a dreamlike effect
a novel written like this would drive everyone nuts
so keep it short
But it is, in fact, legitimate. Rather like second person, "You are the barber", is almost never used but is in fact legit.
a storyteller can choose to write like this
technical "correctness" has to take a back seat to conveying the right mood and attitude, because all "correctness" signals is neutrality, transparency, and also, "I have an education"
but a thorough education in the written arts includes archie the cockroach and e e cummings and others who used this stylistic device
For instance, you're not supposed to produce run-on sentences, because run-on sentences can be confusing and difficult to read, but if you're trying to generate a feeling of confusion and everything happening at once, like in the middle of a fight scene, or to demonstrate a character's distress and confusion, it might be the best possible choice to do a really long sentence, with a lot of clauses, and commas, and maybe some semicolons if appropriate; generally speaking, though, don't include a colon unless there's a list after it, and know when you can insert an ellipsis... this creates the impression of trailing off while speaking, and having too many of them makes you sound uncertain, not confident in the narration you're presenting.
Or.
If you're Stephen King.
Or someone who writes like him.
Sentence fragments.
Separated by paragraphs.
It produces a sense of emphasis.
Every idea here has equal weight.
A whole story like this would be terrible.
But for a short time--
A short time--
This may be the style you find fits the mood of this part of the story best.
As well, the use of florid, overly complex language, in the manner perhaps of a Victorian, or even going back so far as to invoke the image of Shakespeare, with numerous vocabulary words known only to readers of the most dedicated nature, such as perhaps using "eleemonsynary", a word that undoubtedly you have never actually seen in a work of fiction, when you could have said charitable... writing such as this is usually a mistake, but in certain circumstances, it is called for.
Or, y'know, you could have a really, like, down-to-earth, no pretensions, kind of style. Like the way people talk, y'know? And that's plenty reasonable. You can have a whole story written like this. Plenty of folks have done it, and it worked out fine for them. You can even use slang and words everyone tells you aren't good grammar; I ain't sayin' you gotta use "ain't", but you sure could if that fits the voice you're trying to put in your story, you know?
It's important, when critiquing someone, to take them in context. I cannot tell you how many times someone criticized something I wrote and turned out to be wrong, because they assumed I meant something else, or for some reason they were favoring the French spelling of a borrowed phrase rather than how it's written typically in English. (An example of this -- if someone who does not speak French calls for help on the radio, it's "mayday", not "m'aidez", even though mayday is literally an Anglicized writing of the pronunciation of m'aidez, meaning "help me" in French.) If someone writes in all lowercase in their summary, but everything in the story is pretty correct, it's most likely stylistic. Maybe you don't like the style, but acknowledge it's not a mistake, it's art you don't like. On the other hand, if evrey oter word is mspelld, and the use ofCaps is radnum, then probably the person doesn't know what they're doing and you can advise them to do something different with all of it. (Or it's a trollfic. Critiquing "teh spiderses" on the ground that it is all in lowercase would really kind of miss the point of the fic, because it's a trollfic deliberately written in an outrageously ignorant style.)
10459022
Reading this post all the way through was a trip. I'm familiar with way more of these stylistic elements than I expected (King's in particular, and oh boy do I have mixed opinions there). I've definitely chosen to use more than a few of these in my own stories too, but it's always something to be careful about because each fits certain situations better than the other, and even more require a lot of practice. I had a hard time incorporating the sentence-fragments-as-emphasis correctly for a while. Though, the point of my comments has been some of what you pointed out - that all these style choices are supposed to convey something and are done on purpose with good reason. Here, it wasn't evident and the author didn't have good cause for it, based on their reply.
Check and... (wait for it...) ...mate! Good job, Flutters!
A very fun Fluttercord, i enjoyed it immensely.
I'd love to see Discord in that purple ensemble he wore at Canterlot Boutique. Fluttershy would definitely love to see Discord wearing that because it would be a totally Discord thing for him to do. Furthermore, I don't see Fluttershy caring about how people dressed and acted (to a point), so I see her being perfectly accepting of someone else's fashion preferences, especially her significant other.
This was actually really cute...
But, be warned... If I end up changing my mind back to Flutters as "cutest pone" I'm coming after you. AJ (I hope) will forever remain "cutest pone".
*looks at this fic* hEART EYES MOTHERFUCKER this is the only fic I respect <33
I love how in the boutique Discord turned into a Karen(literally), this was an amazing read💕💕💕
wow this story made me ship fluttercord for real. theyre so sweet!! i adore how you write them
read this before i made an account, finally back to say this was super swag and i absolutely loved it
