- Member Since 21st Mar, 2018
- offline last seen 11 hours ago
GravityDefyingCoffeeMug
A steaming cup of coffee that will never spill – the perfect gift for a dad!
GravityDefyingCoffeeMug
Joined 21st Mar, 2018 ·
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This was good, but... you were a bit too vague. Like a casual and barely passing mention that Apple Bloom and Scootaloo are dead is enough to just grind my reading rhythm to a halt. And then you don't even tell us how they died. Then their last words were just... odd.
Sweetie Belle... we love you so much... please, keep on goin'... for us.
This sounds like she was laying on the ground bleeding out, or maybe in a hospital bed dying of cancer...
Cutie Mark Crusaders, let's aim higher than anypony else, even higher than the skies!
But this sounds like a jubilant shout right before undertaking some great quest or stunt. So... did they die separate? Or if together, how could the tones of their words be so different?
10285288
I understand your confusion, I was very unsatisfied myself with how this story turned out. By the time I reached that last bit, I had the mindset of just wanting to get this story over and done with.
The 'we love you' voice was meant to be an echo of Apple Bloom's last words as AB and Scootaloo were dying of some cause, while the 'aim higher than the skies' voice was shouted by Scootaloo, set long before the events of their deaths, in my mind, during one of their little get togethers.
I'll try to do better next time. Thank you for reading. 🙂
It’ a nice story.
10285335
Perhaps if you have it in you, you could do a second chapter with Spike and Sweetie Belle getting ready and you go further into backstory?
10285335
I understand what you were trying to do, and it's a good idea. In the future, I would recommend you use dialogue to explain a bit. Flashbacks and the like are good, but having the characters naturally explain it to us is much better. Maybe a few hundred more words would have made this a much easier pill to swallow.
"I drink to forget, but I always remember."
-Brandon Rogers
Did the CMC just die and that's why she's all grungy and drunk?
And why is spike sad?
10287558
Yes, in this story, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo died.
and
My apologies, I guess it wasn't very obvious. I'll try not to make the same mistake next time. Thank you for reading.
10286984
Noted. Thank you so much for the advice! Much appreciated! 😁
10287592
I interpreted that bolded section as being at a bar to get drunk.
I liked the story and I got where you were going with it.
I'm gonna need more spike x sweetie.