[HiE] A human wakes, finding he isn't the species he fell asleep as in a place he does not recognise, gear scattered around.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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OH DANG. PEOPLE DYING.
Good, good, almost boom, bad, better, good.
That is approximately how the chapter goes.
It a really good story but to me there's really no emotion shown to reader it feel too sterile. Their no emotional attachments that were built between the main character and other characters they just seem a little foces.
Aiet, poor Gabby. That's a hard thing right there.
griffins are declaring war by being terrorists. Ok, poor Gabby. Grud are you going to use Gallus and Gilda as possible soldiers?
Interesting. Is this a group of griffons acting independently, or is this a plot regarding the whole of griffonstone (and whatever government rules griffons in this story, because that changes a lot depending on the fic)?
So I translated the title and it says ‘neither random nor timid’. Can you elaborate what that means for this story?
10518427
Look up: '11th LMB motto'
10518432
Thanks that makes more sense.
I think the main character should adopt poor little Gabby.
I mean who better to raise a cute little griffon like her than a badass griffon scout sniper.
And is scoots going to be an orphan in this fic?
Yes, yes, feed on me.
Why is Jack suddenly in this inner circle. He is, regardless his actions, a foreign soldier and they only know him for about what, two weeks? No officer or ruler sound of mind would let such an unknown entity in their "war room". They would thank him, but say that they can handle this on their own. I would make him join this because someone suggest they could use his weapons, but no one knows how to use them they agree that he will be asked to be part of it. And even then I would make Celestia reluctantly agree. Cause of the devastation of his weapons can cause and the risk if one of them gets in the claws of the griffins.
Also, meeting these bombers by accident in the sky, which is near endless, is bullshit. Like Ray finding Lukes Lightsaber in the basement of the Cantina. The chances are so low. In this case my suggestion would be they land in Canterlot and have to pass the market or so to get to the castle, since flying in the city is regulated. (Because of the bombing in Manehatten.) They spot Gabby and her uncle there (Maybe jack wants to speak with them since they are the first "friendly" griffins he meets and they mistake him for one of theirs) as they move over the marketplace and stop them there. Would have a bigger direct impact too because of the civilians.
All in all it feels like he is too essential and integrated too fast in stuff like this.
The hell? Peace for centuries and suicide Bombers out of nowere? That cant be right... Poor Gabby! That sweet littel Chick, to have witness that cruel event
With all the sudden violence, one would wonder if the magic pulse that Jack arrived with has anything to do with it. This chapter felt rushed to me, not significantly rushed, just a small feeling.
Perhaps I feel this because Jack only briefly mentioned his thoughts on Canterlot and immediately spotted some suspicious activity. It's not I feel that part was unrealistic, just the journey from the "picking up the clothes" to the "war room meeting" was done at a faster pace than I expected.
In any case, my full attention was taken from the moment the explosion was mentioned to the meeting in the war room and I most eagerly await the next update. I wonder what questions Celestia will have?
From attempted abduction to terrorist bombing
10518314
Indeed. It also seems very forced in events too. He mentioned being trained and was on a mission of counter terrorism, and asks if the ponies knew what terrorism was. And then boom, randomly, out of no where, for no reason, mass acts of terrorism and suicide bombers. Something that didn't happen for '200 years', and then suddenly happens within DAYS of him appearing and he's the only person in all of equestria with the experience and know how to handle it.
It's a situation of 'Equestria runs and acts like the show, then Person is transported into Equestria with a set of skills, and suddenly an enemy appears, without warning or reason, to cause a conflict that only Person with said skill can defeat.
Just a bit of advice, Author, but maybe go back and flush out the REASON for the conflict. Cause if Ponies and Griffons had been at peace and no crime or conflict has ever existed in Equestria, WHY would the Griffons, a weaker race with no magic and would logically lose in every situation of a real conflict do to Ponies being stronger, faster, and having magic and the literal goddess of the sun that can solar flare their entire race out of existence by raising an eyebrow, attack said ponies.
What is the conflict? We don't see any racism, there is no conflicts, ponies aren't acting like it's a different world or timeline from the show by having different technology. Why does this conflict exist? HOW does it exist? How do the griffons know how to make bombs? why would they need to know? Are there griffon miners somehow to get said materials? why would a griffon be mining for these specific materials, and then testing and mixing them to figure out they can make a bomb out of them?
On top of, what do the Griffons get, out of bombing and killing the citizens? Especially after going out of their way to try and capture ponies to get something from the princess, bombing and killing her little children ponies will not get her to side with them, that will piss her off and kill them all.
Got to flush out some of the stuff, and change things. If the conflict has been brewing for a while, it has to show somehow. Cause right now, it doesn't show at all. 2 highly profile ponies tied to the national defense of the country, (Which will never be able to overcome this conflict cause the main Person has to do it all themselves), went into the deep arctic mountains, to a griffon outpost, using a griffon scout, and had no negative emotions about the griffons at all. The conflict, literally doesn't exist in the MLP universe, till this very moment, and thus exists for no reason and has no actual ties to the lore or history of this world.
10520872
Ya what you said it true but what if he was not the only person to be force into the world what if other person came with him but was found else. And is of different belief systems
10521274
True, but you'd still find evidence of it. Compare to our world, with America vs Arabic Suicide Bombers and Terrorists. Even before the Suicide Bombings and 9/11, anyone who went over to that country was most likely captured and killed so we stayed away, and they've been known to invade countries to kidnap and kill people over trying to show an imagine of Muhammad and killing them by beheading and posting videos of it online. The conflict was always there, it just eventually escalated to terroristic bombings.
Here tho, like I said the ponies don't act scared or racist around Griffons. So there is no conflict, and has stated that there has literally been no crimes at all for over 200+ years.
And if we take your suggestion, someone knew also fell from the sky, we'd again see signs of it. There was only 1 pulse of magic felt across the planet and that was him. And if someone else was there as well, it would take a lot longer than a few days to magically change the entire belief and culture of a race into being literal suicide bombers.
Either way, there would be signs of the conflict existing. Which is why I suggested to the Author that it maybe a good idea to go back and change some things to show those signs of conflict, so it doesn't just pop out of the ether as a plothole.
Now this situation makes sence. Well done
Didn't get a ticket!
Better!
10547701
No ticket.
10520872
Kinda want to break this down honestly.
Well it's obvious that there's animosity between ponies and griffons. 'Why' is the bigger question here.
And I'm pretty that's going to be reviled later on in the story.
Why is this even a question? Your asking that as if griffons are usually stupid as shit. I wouldn't be surprised if they somehow discovered gunpowder.
You can literally ask these same questions to people back in the 900s when they first discovered gunpowder. 🤦♂️
Aww shit, CIA
For the extremists to act openly like that they probably have already everything prepared and now lack personal.
How they will get the civilian population supporting them will be interesting.