//There's a Dash in a Shy, but a bigger one in a Pinkie//

This is a story about Fluttershy loving Rainbow Dash. This is my first fanfiction, so it might not look so good to some. This photo is by FKandfriends at Devaint Art.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 7 )

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Cheezy805

Cheezy805 #1 · Dec 17th, 2011 · · · The Big day ·

My first thought went exactly like this: "What the actual fuck, why is it grey?"
"the door, raising her hand to knock on the door." Two problems. Ponies don't have hands, and you said 'door' twice.
Then you said hand again in the next sentence.
"The pink haired anthro pony". You never say that the character is fictional. That would be like a person narrating your life and saying you're not real. It just ruins the feel of a story.
Also, why does dash have dark skin? You're calling them ponies, so that rules out the idea of them being human...
((Oh, wow, I'm still only in the first paragraph.))
'Shy' is a nickname, shortened from Fluttershy. There should probably be an apostrophe, but I'll excuse that one.
She stared at her shoes? Alright, she's definitely human - ignore all earlier comments about that. New comments: Don't make reference to her being a pony! Make up your mind, is she human or equine?!
"Rainbow Dash commaned Fluttershy" *Commanded
"silence snook up on them " *Sneaked - it sounds wrong, but it's right. You could use snuck; that's wrong, but sounds right.

Wow. Excusing all of those, it's not really my kind of story. Sorry to have wasted your time. I'll be a bad judge of whether or not it's good, because I didn't like this one. Might just be because it's FlutterDash, I don't know.
good luck with the rest of the writing. Please make a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes, and please fix the font. It took twwice as long as it should have to read because I had to stop and think who was speaking, and because grey is hard to see on white.

Sweetie Belle

Sweetie Belle #2 · Dec 17th, 2011 · · · The Big day ·

Dude. These are anthros. Which means they are humanized ponies. Kinda like Jay Naylor's drawings. And I'm sorry I made all those mistakes. I'll be sure to correct them. I would kinda correct ya on one part, but That would spoil the next chapter.

Shrinky Frod

Shrinky Frod #3 · Dec 17th, 2011 · · · The Big day ·

Just might be a good idea to mention the anthro in the description. If you make a brief note outside the story, you don't have to put the explanation *in* the story proper, and you eliminate the confusion.

Ice

Ice #4 · Dec 21st, 2011 · · · The Big day ·

72349 I disagree I picked up on ti pretty fast then again i've read a couple of anthro ones.

TwilightHooves

TwilightHooves #5 · Jan 21st, 2012 · · · The Big day ·

I thought the title was "Bigger on the inside" like Doctor's T.A.R.D.I.S's interior is usually refered to L.O.L

Sweetie Belle

Sweetie Belle #6 · Mar 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Holy Babeh Jesus.

And I have lots of chapters to upload, and their OLD. Er... I would abandon this story, but I really have a thing for not disappointing people. So, I'll continue this story, but make a new story that I will mostly focus on. And trust me, It would be waaaay more interesting and longer than this one. At least I hope so. So, I hope you guys get a chance to check out my new story once I finish the first chapter and it's accepted.

TheMobFighter