reader8363
Joined 20th Jul, 2015 ·
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Your title description changes pronouns for Spike near the end
10091367
Okay, I'll fix it
Explicit sex requires an M rating. I've fixed it this time, but please be more careful in the future.
10091590
oops, I'll remember that, sorry
Honestly, this story's premise is extremely stupid at first glance. HOWEVER, what intrigues me is that Spike himself does not have this power, it's actually Twilight. There's some interesting scenarios that can come from this.
Though, I'd much like an explanation as to why only females are affected and not males. As long as you mind your grammar, this might be interesting.
Just be sure to stick to the rules you set up.
I'm a little confused. The synopsis talks about a "kind one" being given the power to control, yet the one in control is Spike, and he's a full-blown rapist here.
10091949
kind in the term, he's trying to get rid of the spell, but it'll be difficult.
10091951
Okay then. At any rate, I would suggest letting your scenes breathe a bit more. Space things out. Develop them more. I mean, Spike literally jumps from "Oh no, Starlight's entranced now too!" to "Eh, time to rape her".
10091990
okay, I will
Got a fun little idea here, hope to see more
10091680
It migjt not only ne females effected, remember Spike was hit by the light as well so that might have made him immune.
Nicely done.
Hmmm, Spike has more self-control than I anticipate.
you need to edit the command word from "sleep" to when I(spike) say sleep, otherwise if anypony said sleep they would go into a trance and Spike would be in Trouble.
When will the next chapter come out
Starlight has every right to pissed, Spike raped her.
Good story.
I hope you eventually find time and inspiration to come back to this story. It’s a wonderfully depraved and sexy concept and you certainly seem to have the passion for it based on the writing.