Gerboise-Bleu
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This was pretty good
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/2/12/549895.png
Eh, Nice try, Go again with a bit more content and build up in the next iteration. Not saying the concept is bad, just needs to be portrayed a bit better.
Your basic premise is fine, and there's plenty of possibilities in a mind-controlling beast from the Everfree. Where it needs work is in the execution, chiefly in the detail you give, and the speed that you work your way through the plot.
A fundamental truth of writing is that events only matter to the reader if your writing puts effort into giving them weight. Take a huge event; if I wrote "Then the sun exploded. Equestria was destroyed," it wouldn't make the reader care. Important is not the same as meaningful. By contrast, I could write about Twilight crying because she'd dropped an ornament that her mother had given her when she moved out, muffling her sobs as she swept up the pieces so Spike wouldn't hear, and the reader cares far more about an unimportant event because I've given it emotional weight.
Let's apply that to the scene where Celestia is conquered. Linger on it. This is important, and rushing it diminishes that. Talk about her feelings, her shock, her horror and betrayal as she realises they've all turned on her. Talk about the sick golden glow slowly creeping into her wide eyes, obliterating her pupils, the way her breath comes fast and ragged as she struggles, sweat glistening on her skin. Talk about the way she clutches at the wall, trying to hold herself up as her treacherous legs try to sink into a kneel, her futile defiance as her friends watch her struggle with calmly empty smiles. Talk about the helpless, mindless joy that creeps across her face as her personality reshaped into a loyal sex slave.
Take your time, go slow, and make your readers feel what's happening, viscerally. Keep trying and you'll get better.
missing >> at the end of the chapter
I liked the wolf's personality, but you need to add more detail in each scene and flesh out what happens.
Very good idea and by far not the worst of clopfics but it looks rushed. I feel like I read a 1st draft of a story. If you dont want to continue on it you might wanna give permission for others to use the idea and rewrite/expand on it.
any idea when we can expect an update and new chapter?
meanwhile in an au to this version of events a figure in a cloak watches the wolf enter Flutter's cottage after she leaves the wolf alone the figure aproches the wolf telling it that he can take him to Cadence. the wolf knowing that if the figure is truthful that his goal will see completion faster so he takes the gamble and follows the figure into a sucluded place the wolf finds itself in a trap as the figure reveals himself to be a hero imune to mind control and alteration he pulls out a weapon and tells the wolf it won't be leaving this place alive a fight breaks out and the wolf is slain.