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"It's so nice to see you again!" said the thing that was not Celestia. "Oh yes, I know who you are, Twilight Sparkle. I had a taste of your magic the first time we met. Mortals forget things so easily, I find. Allow me to refresh your memory: you tried to kill me. But you failed, Twilight Sparkle. You only mostly killed me. And I guess that makes you one very unlucky little pony."
First off, great writing thus far. I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
Second off, a couple issues with the story. First, you have earned my eternal ire by turning Fluttershy into an adulteress (Unless this does turn out to be a hilarious misunderstanding, in which case never mind). Second, and more importantly, is the Nightmare "presence" (For lack of a better word) really that powerful? I mean, is it honestly capable of enslaving the most powerful being in the world in just a few minutes? No subtle build-up, no mysterious voices in the back of Celestia's head slowly turning her against everyone she's ever loved? I mean, it's your story obviously, but that does come across as a bit overpowered/fast.
Other than that, I'm greatly enjoying this. Keep it up.
>>71995 Thank you for your comments! To your first issue: there's more to this than meets the eye, I promise. To your second: this was supposed to be a deliberate mystery to drive the plot but you made me realize I hadn't explained it...at all! =) So I changed a few things and added a paragraph in the final scene to help clarify. THANK YOU. I will leave comments on your stories as well.
When I finished reading this chapter, I noticed that I had unconsciously tilted my chair forward, so that I was as close to my computer as I could possibly be. I'm fairly certain that's a good sign.
Your writing is top-grade in terms of showing vs telling, and you give just enough detail to create a wonderful image in my head without bogging down the story. Great job thus far; I'm very glad I ended up tracking this.
Also, was anyone else reminded of Full-Metal Alchemist when they saw that pentagram?
I've gone through chapter one and I like what I'm reading a lot 
Some constructive criticism, I suppose... First, speech needs to be depicted really, really distinctly from thought. The way I write is something like:
Twilight Dawn shook her head in pure disgust. That could never be HIS doing. He'd never act like that. She raised his voice a little, and she went on, "I'll never listen to you, Iron Fillings."
The way you mix speech with thought is... I don't know. It came across as frustrating. And I know that you wanted the sensation of voices inside one's head, but I would try to convey that a little differently.
Second, I know exposition is inevitable. It's pretty difficult to handle well. Yet it just seemed... I don't know, but reading Pinkie with Twilight-- I just couldn't shake the thought of "Oh, yes, it's exposition". I felt like tuning out a bit. There's got to be some way to convey this more in action rather than words. If Spike and Twilight had this badass battle recently while building up some personal history-- then why not show the darned thing itself? Not just refer back to it in dialogue? That way the emotions between them become clearer. I'm thinking of Goldeneye, which begins with 006 and 007 on a little adventure together at the chemical weapons plant.
Third, a lot of the dialogue seems 'human-esque', if that makes any sense. Rarity mentions "older men". Pinkie Pie calls her a "cougar". It seems a bit contrary to the spirit of the show.
But, of course, by in large I loved it. 
Saw this on Equestria Daily, actually the first fanfic I've read for mlp. And, well damn dude. From the preview to the opening, you definitely had me intrigued. Enough that I read every chapter. And will probably be checking ED for updates every chance I get.
I think the best part of this story is that every character seems perfectly consistent to their canon counterparts, albeit without the children's show filter on. It's actually jarring, in a very satisfying way if that makes sense, to have the deadly serious events happening while Pinkie and Dash are, well, being Pinkie and Dash. It helps make it feel like Friendship is Magic, even if the stakes are higher. And I absolutely love the matured Spike turned action hero.
Great Story.
I am particularly impressed and sorta humbled by the battle between Celestia and Luna. I've been working on a fic that calls for a somewhat similar kind of alicorn battle, and reading this made me painfully aware of how perfunctory and inadequate my treatment of it was. I'll have to go back and do some rewriting now.
Why do authors here on fimfiction keep raising the bar for me, darn it?
Congrats on a well-written and engaging story!
Bookmarked 
Very nice fic so far! No spelling or grammar mistakes as far as I can see, and good characterization also. As a side note, this sounds like a perfect fic for New Lunar Republic fans, and for once a good reason for their revolution to actually take place.
"tl;dr syndrome"? I for myself love long chapters, it gives the feeling of reading a real, long book.
The writing is neat and elegant, the story itself is enthralling and darker than I expected (which is a good thing, I like these stories). The Mane 6 seem sometimes a bit out of character, but how much did they age? 6 years was it, right? Well, that would explain the character development.
I'm confused why Pinkie is acting like that. "She's hexed", but by whom? I dont think the royal guards could/would do that, but maybe I'll just have to read the next chapter (right now, that is).
Wowz, you're doin' awesome, I'm captivated by your way with words, I nearly squealed with joy when you suggested a Pinkie and Discord romance, so damn happy!
I can't wait for more, I just wish Discord would make some sort of appearance, but that's just my fangirl screaming, I'm still reading this even without the master of chaos.
oxox, you ROCK!!!
BSM3
>>148960 >>149051 >>148970 >>149795
To everyone who commented on my story, thank you!
I wrote this initially without any intention of posting it anywhere, just because, as Cold in Gardez puts it, there were ponies in my brain and they needed to come out. After I found EqD and FiMFic, I began to wonder if others shared my vision of an Equestria without the child safety-locks. I am overjoyed to add whatever I can to this community.
This will not be an overlong story--I'm thinking 2-3 more chapters and a brief epilogue at the most.
1. The doctor joke was intentional. I love Derpy+Doctor! 2. I'm happy you liked the Luna/Nightmare Sun fight. I wanted to emphasize that Celestia is more of a caster-type, while Luna is more magic-enhanced-melee. This was an emotional scene for me to write, because Luna is best pony and I hate to see her get hurt. But the show must go on! 3. It's been 8 years since the pilot, so the Mane 6 are about 27-29 years old by human standards at this point. Spike is 18-19. 4. Don't worry Discord fans, the infamous chimera's got his paws mixed up in this too...you'll just have to wait and see.
Stay tuned for Chapter 5: Prey Animals coming soon!
>>157489 >>156756 >>155516 >>155363 >>153161 >>153070 >>152971 >>152566 Thank you for commenting!
1. I love Wuna. She is best pony. I would never kill her off! Or would I...? I guess you'll just have to wait and see...
2. Witchcraft is best parody. I know this is up for debate, but I have to go with sherclopholmes in the end. Just too funny, plus good music. Also, Tirek is a bad guy from G1.
3. I glad you like super-spy-Twi. She does really need to get those averages back up, though. 
4. My pet peeve is purple-prose, which is when people use too many words to say really simple things. Seriously, it drives me batty in fanfics. So, even if I overcompensate by putting a bit too little description, I feel like it's way better than going the other way with it. WRITE LESS, SAY MORE! Click here for free advice. Or, if you prefer...
5. I think "Equus non Gratus" is public domain at this point. And by all means, squee away. 
That's all for now! Happy writing my literate bronies. 
Well, Guesswork, I'm intrigued as well. This is a very good opening to a story. You'll definitely give the writers a run for their money. You're eloquent, and you have that natural talent for story telling. I would love to see this put into celluloid, but pages give more room for interpretation.
You have my compliments on this captivating novella
Sin Cera
~E. Chronicler
Love it!
I am very happy with how you have matured the characters, and your prose is excellent. At this point, my only gripe is that things must have gone downhill indeed in the past six years for Celestia (pre Nightmare Sun) to have secret police ponies in her employ willing to threaten (or certainly imply the use of) torture. That seems quite the departure from the Equestrian way.
Yeah. I don't know how long this is going to be, bu if you're not aiming for epic length, you might want to start having ponies doubt Celestia. Or at least have the night guard side with the Mane 6. I just don't want this to turn into "The Night That Never Ended." that story is 15 chapters of just depressing, shit going wrong. Youve had it pretty even with the good versus bad things. I know it's a dark story but remember: there's dark, then there's "Murphy's Law Is Bleeding."
But so far, I LOVE this story!
Yes! I've been waiting for this one.
Very well thought out and entertaining descriptions of magic in action, particularly the time spell. The Nightmare is really building up to be a terrifying foe, and the stakes have only been raised now that it's aware of Twilight's involvement.
I really hope we get to see Luna in action soon. Also, the agent is a great character. I'm a huge fan of the cunning, ambiguous wild card archetype and definitely look forward to seeing his role play out.
So much is happening in so many places, I can't wait to see how it all comes back together in the end. I have a feeling there's going to be a few heart breakers left to come before the end. 
Great chapter, I look forward to seeing how it all plays out!
SO i wonder how many creatures are willing to fight Nightmare Sun. The Diamond Dogs, probably, who value the night. The Griffons wouldn't mind helping if they got a share. Dragons might be hard to rouse, but even they remember what it was like living under a Nightmare and would probably kill to keep it from happening again. Pinkamena 
needs to come out and make mincemeat of the enemy, and Flutterrage 
would be a nice ally too. If the folks over at the Rainbow Factory could stop worrying about money enough to realize what a horrible, horrible investment eternal day would be they'd finally have an opportunity to use all those weapons properly, and the Zebras know all too well the mercilessness of the cruel Sun upon the desert. The Mules and Donkeys, Cows and Sheep may or may not help in the hopes of gaining freedom. The creatures of the Everfree would be mostly neutral, but if any of them are intelligent enough even they might grudgingly join the cause.
Endless night will rise above us
With the guidance from the stars
For this our revolution
Moonlight's throne shall be reborn
and all those horseapples.
Celestia already had a plan: she would corner this thing in an auxiliary part of her brain, then collapse her own neural tissue with telekinesis. Give herself a stroke. There would be damage, but it would be small compared to what would happen if she lost this fight.
This was the exact point where I knew that this story would kick ass, and that I would love it. And whoah, that fight between Luna and Nightmare Sun... 
Yes that but I was also refering to the idea that Celeestia would be taken as a hostage considering the alledged motiviation of the conspirtors is to perform a coup by assassinating the Princesses. Also the very idea that the single most powerful being on the planet could be taken hostage or would be desirable as a hostage is a little silly.
I don't understand the thought-process behind the "rent-a-clop" pun. 
I am REALLY REALLY liking this story. I love your 8-years-later characterizations, very faithful to canon while still acting noticably older. And I'm in love with Special Agent Spike. That is just... an amazing direction to take him. All the more amazing for how believable it is.
And now to get this worry out of my system, that I've been keeping in since I started reading at chapter 1 - UGH I HOPE CELESTIA IS RESCUABLE AND NOT ACTUALLY DEAD-DEAD, SHE IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER AND I HATE TRAGEDY AND JUST GAH DON'T BE DEAD PLEASE. *takes breath*
Celestia insinuated that the Nightmare was -killing- her in the first chapter, and taking her empty body. The [Dark] tag is giving me hope that this isn't the case, major character death is generally tagged more harshly. But I'm also aware that different authors sometimes have different interpretations of the tags, and just gah. Congratulations, you have me hooked, if only to find out what becomes of Celestia. (hint: that's not the only reason )
>>243720 Sometimes private security guards are called "rent-a-cops," because it's like you're renting a cop to patrol your stuff. So "rent-a-clops" just made sense to me. Celestia's fate is still balanced on a knife's edge, but the old girl does have a fighting chance to survive this.
>>240093 Thanks!
>>239882 Haha! Yeah, I thought that was pretty dark. Glad you liked it.
>>238825 I wondered if anyone would get the Oblivion reference. I can't believe that was 5 years ago.
>>239696 Very true, although imagine the aftermath, assuming that such a disparate alliance could overcome and defeat the Nightmare. There would be a power vacuum, since Luna is not Celestia's equal, and then it would be war between all parties. Or perhaps they could form a consortium!
>>237205 I'm glad you like the agent, you never know how readers are going to react to an OC pony. He's definitely one of my favorites.
Well hey, it couldn't get any worse, right? I'm pretty certain most of the parties potentially involved wouldn't be thinking much farther ahead than simply survival (eternal day does really bad things to life expectancy and plans for the future), but even if everyone went to war immediately following Nightmare Sun's downfall things really couldn't get much worse than a Fallout: Equestria scenario (hey, there's an idea- having this story being a possible backstory to something similar!)
That being said, it would probably be more likely that everyone would be too exhausted from the effort to do much for a couple years, giving us a post-WWII Europe scenario. The hope would be for one faction or another to have the sense of mind to get a United Nations or League of Nations together, but if all else failed having Discord's statue in one place and an army of Dragons in another could let MAD (or CARE, as FO:E called it) maintain peace for a couple decades until the relative peace has everyone opposed to infighting and we get a situation similar to our modern world. A Long Way From Equestria, I know, but a scenario that gives both a GOOD END and actually MAKES SENSE, not "and everypony shook hands and hugged and flower petals rained down from the sky and love and tolerance rainbows fixed everything".
And speaking of Discord, what most "NMM wins"/"Celestia goes Nightmare"/"War" fimfics tend to forget is the constant presence of Discord's statue. It REALLY doesn't seem to take much to let him break out, and as anyone knows he's the one nigh-omnipotent being that could epically BUCK EVERYONE'S HORSEAPPLES UP if let loose, a sort of last resort not unlike a nuke. Everyone loses, but at the same time nobody wins. If used wisely it could ensure peace and maybe even elevate the Lunar Republic (or tyranny or monarchy, take your pick) to the level of Superpower.
And if the horseapples really do hit the fan, you could have a scene where somepony has to make a decision to try choosing the lesser of two evils in order to fix the situation. Eternal Chaos at least lets a few live, if only for the amusement of the bastard at the top. Eternal Day is a guarantee that nobody lives.
If this fic manages to bring back/use side characters and antagonists from the show as new protagonists I will be SO HAPPY.
Let's see...
Trixie: Illusion magic, lockpicking and espionage. Crowd Control/rogue
Zecora: potions, alchemy, poison- assassination of vital government leaders and interrogation of Celestian loyalists, strength, dexterity, power, stamina and healing potions, decent illusions. Buffer/crowd control.
Gilda: mercenary assassin, large damage output and excellent speed. Rogue.
Flim and Flam: engineers and mechanics, artillery, power armor, tanks, Gatling guns, anything steampunk. Ranged.
Iron Will: large muscle mass and thick skin, good at tanking. Tank.
Discord: god-tier powers, should take on Nightmare Sun with little more than a snap and a chuckle. "I WIN" card.
Big Mac: god-tier strength. Tank/damage output. Can take on a small battalion singlehoofedly, drag a full-size house and knock down walls with little effort when motivated. Warrior/tank.
Combat abilities to look forward to:
Twilight Sparkle: near-god-tier magic. Fireball, telekinesis, mind rape, transfiguration, transmutation, telefragmentation. Mage/ranged.
Rarity: near-god-tier telekinesis. Subatomic manipulation, illusion, destruction/manipulation/control of internal organs, lockpicking. Rogue.
Pinkie: god-tier fourth wall and dexterity. Offscreen teleportation, walking on air, hammerspace, elastic body, cartoon invulnerability, mindreading, precognition. Pinkamena: psychotic assassin interrogator. High weapon proficiency and extensive knowledge of anatomy, ability to metabolize inedible matter, high pain threshold and ability to inflict massive amounts of pain and damage. Rogue/bard.
Applejack: as shown. Warrior/tank.
Rainbow Dash: god-tier speed. Large area effect abilities, electricity, weather manipulation, shockwave abilities. Possibly tornado, hurricane, blizzard, firestorm and earthquake generation abilities. If she can move fast enough, time travel abilities. Rogue.
Fluttershy: wide and varied mind and medicine abilities. Willbreaker/Mind Control Stare, extensive knowledge of anatomy, ability to immobilize or otherwise incapacitate opponents, ability to command Everfree creatures, high strength, almost god-tier speed when motivated, extreme resistance to manipulation. Buffer/crowd control/beastmaster/druid/rogue.
Spike: all known dragon capabilities. Ranged/Tank/Warrior.
Let the campaign begin.
This story should be two more chapters plus epilogue. I always wanted the entirety of Daylight Burning to take place during a single night, and it's almost sunrise, isn't it? 
This is actually the first half of my originally planned Chapter 6, but school has been so crazy recently that I decided to split it into two chapters joined by a cliff-hanger so that I would have something to publish this week. The "rest" of Chapter 6, now called "Chapter 7: My Little Hostages," should launch in a week or two depending on what kinds of horrors my professors come up with.
Thank you for commenting!
Hello mr or mrs. Guesswork,
Your story has been a most enjoyable read thus far and I hope you write the next chapter with the speed of slugs.
I was pondering if you would be expanding the story into being a huge equestria wide revolution, or keep it simpler with it only having the mane 6, spike, and possibly Luna and the night guards?
I had to laugh when Rarity started her "I'm innocent, don't keep me in here with these filthy traitors!" spiel. Of course the Queen of Social-Fu would do something like that (and nick the key to her shackles with high-precision stealth telekinesis). And equally of course Rainbow Dash, who's not only loyal as all heck, but hardly the sharpest hammer of the Mane Six, would react just like that.
I have to admire how utterly bad-ass you let every one of the girls to be, without pulling punches from the villain or the Royal Guards, either.
>>288425 Goddamn it, now you have me craving completely irrational skyrim-esque MLP game. And now that I think about it, the world that this story is set in (Not just setting, but also events, character development, ect.) would make an amazing game. Somepony hop on that and get it done.
It's stated that Pinkie's eyes change to orange while she's hexed and then once Shield Banner shows up, the aura around his horn is also orange. Also, he blatantly tortures her before Spike goes underwater for the horn.
Buck tl;dr syndrome. The longer the better provided you keep the quality at the same high caliber. As a reader you get more for your investment and as a writer you get to stretch your creative legs more. A long story will never feel long if its done right.
Also, I love the reference with that last pic. I'm now expecting a certain time traveling pony in a blue box to make an appearance at some point.
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It is totally fine if you don't want to drop it for future stories , that is just my opinion!
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