It's been ten years since Sandbar graduated from the School of Friendship and he's doing well for himself. With Yona, he's made a name for himself in the fashion world by becoming the co-owner of the Ponyville branch of the Carousel Boutique only after a few years of working there.
It's been seven years since Gallus left Ponyville to enlist with the Canterlot Royal Guards, becoming the first Griffon in history to do so. At first, both were concerned about the distance, but felt that their bond could only grow stronger.
It's been five years since Gallus broke up with Sandbar.
Now, after throwing himself into his work at the Carousel Boutique for the past few years, Sandbar finds himself reminiscing on the past despite himself.
Written for the Young Six Writing Contest.
I’ve got a lot of thoughts on this.
- I think the pacing is just great. It moves quick when it should, and lingers where it needs to.
- I love retail/salespony Sandbar. I think the blend of his pride in his work and his frustration with it is both realistic and compelling.
- Smolder trapping Sandbar into a hoofbump is fantastic.
10/10
- I love the way the backstory unfolds slowly. I almost wish I hadn’t read the description because the sad ache would have been even sweeter, but it still packs an emotional punch for me.
11/10
*grumpy earth pony noises*
- The scale of Yona’s room was a great world-building touch. Makes absolute sense and really adds a lot to the story.
- Yona’s giant NO notes are fantastic. Actually, for not being in the story, her presence is felt. She has an interesting, weighty role without ever saying a word of dialogue.
- The scarf. 😭 The scarf!! 😭
- NOT THE NECKLACE. *sobs inconsolably*
- I want to know so much more… what he writes at the end, but that was the exact right time to stop.
10061038
I agree plus I'm curious what happend back then it would actually be quite amazing of the author write a second fic to this exploring there relationship together and the fallout event then a final third of them reconciling maby
Hey there! Thank you so much for entering The Discovery contest and for requesting a review! I’m Bachi, and I was the judge assigned to your story.
Okay, so I have to admit that I’m a real sucker for sad, introspective stories like this one. What really helps is that your prose just feels really good and never distracts from the emotions taking the spotlight. You also do a great job of balancing what the reader needs to know immediately to understand the future setting versus what you hold back as reveals and twists. From a pacing perspective, everything just feels really solid, and the information gets doled out at a nice drip.
Now, as much as I liked the experience of reading this story, I do think it’s worth noting a couple of things about how the overall payoff is handled. A lot of times, it can be a really hard sell to have virtually all of the conflict happen in the past. With a fic as backstory-heavy as this one, sometimes it’s difficult for readers to emotionally connect to what can come across as a second-hand retelling of Gallus and Sandbar’s breakup. Especially towards the end of the story, there’s a lot of Sandbar’s internal monologue that feels like the story is both trying to explain the situation while simultaneously trying to cash in its emotional chips.
When it comes down to talking about the relationship and breakup itself, I like that you used the stand-ins/metaphors of the photos, scarf, and feather. They do a great job of giving the reader something concrete to latch on to. On a similar vein, I kind of ended up wishing that we got some more concrete details about the relationship and breakup, since they’re kind of only directly talked about in vague terms. It’s often easiest to convince readers of the emotionality of a topic by presenting distinct moments of chemistry or individual details. So when you explain that they broke up over the strain of a long-distance relationship, I really wanted something I could sink my teeth into, instead of the higher-level, explanatory narration.
So in the end, I guess I wished there was a more direct way we could experience the vicerality of Sandbar’s emotions, instead of just through narration of memories. My usual go-to tool when dealing with a situation like this is to have the character talk it out with someone else, but that’s just me, and there are definitely a number of different ways you can take this. The core of the story is definitely already there; I think it’s just a matter of making it come across more clearly.
Thank you again for submitting to the contest! Please feel free to reply or PM me if you have any questions. I really hope you found this review helpful!
-B.