Kronos11111
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A very good basis of a story but it is rushed. Maybe slow the flow if it down and add more dialect and detail? Other than that it's great. I'll be keeping an eye on this one for sure.
A bit rushed for a start, maybe some more details. Well unless you are keeping it for the next chapter than nevermind.
Overall not bad.
Lil bit gary stu here, but I'm curious to see where you go.
I’m interested
More rushed than hard noodles in a hot bowl of ramen and characters flatter than residential construction site.
10017081
I've heard the truth hurts but ouch
An interesting premise, but it feels rushed and forced. The dialog feels 'clunky' for a lack of a better description.
I have to agree with everyone else on here, it is a bit rushed, but it holds promise, looking forward to more of this!
10017229
bit of advice to make things flow a bit better focus a chapter on 1 maybe 2 scenes with a clear break or transition
in this chapter you have somewhere between 4-6 scenes depending on how you want to break things up, here is how i see them
!) establishing zach as a character, basically most of what you wrote before he opened the door
2) meeting the main six and showing off his skill, the bit with the mecha rabbit was great and really gave a good sense of direction but you established he had a box of such objects and could have done a bit more here maybe shown off a few other pieces in different styles to show his breath of skill or something
3) the royal blacksmith offer and rejection, this is the weakest section of the chapter since something like being appointed something like this on the spot is meant to hold a great amount of weight and not just for zech. think about it for the moment from the princess'es side is the current position empty, maybe it is currently filled by somepony who is not up to snuff or maybe something in the near will change so that the current status quo wont be enough and the princess want to cut that off before it gets too out of hand.
the way things stand now you could cut that whole section out and it wouldnt change anything.
4) Zech going to the ponyville marketplace, this scene works as a good transition and segaves nicely into the stuff with dinky however this is where things start to really feel grey stu-ish what with him able to roll in the bits like that ( i am not saying to rewrite it but maybe give another explination for why what felt like at most a backpack of toys went for so much money in a small town like maybe a bidding war broke out or people not used to this new way so doing business and getting carried away and over spending. hurt feelings brings drama and drama keeps readers interested
5) Dinky....hmmm.....honestly other then fleshing it out a bit more and giving it is own chapter and maybe even doing a cut away POV following dinky doing her research about water magic and thus giving us a concrete system for how magic works in your world there is not much to say here.
my only other bit of advice is read your dialog out loud. it will help you identify when something doesnt sound right much between and help with character to character interactions.
The only way I could describe this chapter is stuff happening.
10017081
Ouch, that hurt me and it aint even my story
10017229
Meh. This is mild compared to what I do to the really bad ones.
That chapter should be stretched out into 4 or 5. There are too many things happening in a too short amount of time. You could describe the surroundings more. How do the characters look? Try to turn dialogues into actual conversations instead of compressing them into the minimum necessary.
To better flesh out the characters you could write down for each of them what personality they have, what they like and dislike, a little bit of background story for them, what skills and knowledge they possess, who they have connections to and most importantly their weaknesses. Characters are made interesting by their flaws. Afterwards you only have to use this information to determine how any given character would react when thrown into the scenes you are writing.
When faced with an unknown situation Twilight for example would try to find as much written information on it as possible before formulating a plan. Rainbow Dash however would try to tackle the challenge head on.
In this context it makes no sense for example that someone from a world without magic does, a short time after being thrown into a magical one, have the necessary knowledge on unicorn magic to help out Dinky.
To summarize: Take notes for your worldbuilding. That makes it way easier too flesh out stuff and keep consistency.
The story so far does seem promising however.
I like it. Im guessing the mc is not from earth? Though he does seem to be taking all kf this remarkable well.
show don't tell.
focus more on character actions in the now then trying to move the story along. more time could have been spent in his house debating the merits of him working for the sisters. more importantly the main character needs to have a rough edge or some measure of defiance.
you're trying to rush the story along and it just making the story suffer a bit much.
next chapter you should focus more on the character's inner thoughts and introduce a real persistent conflict that would drive the main character's interactions with others.
Good work my friend, also.
Please may i have some more chapters.
10020909
I'm already working on the second on now
This chapter shows a great improvement over the first one. You even explained how he knows about magic. Good Job.
my evil side: yeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssss
normal me: great work keep it up
Good show, looking forward to more content!! If you ever need anything, let me know
"I'm going to teach you how to use magic." Her smile spread from ear to ear, "But it won't be easy. Cuts, bruises, even broken are a strong possibility. Are you ready for that?" She squirmed a little but held a determined look.
Do you mean
Even a broken bone is a strong possibility?
Also, an interesting story, It could use some touching up and maybe some more detail but its not to bad. Keep writing it and improving as you go along, I would like to see where the story goes from here.
not at all, if you need a breather then by all means. i hope to see more at a later date though.
This was a cute and awesome start.
This was a sad awesome chapter. I'm surprised you didn't make a tag for it. I hope his sister is ok and one day they will need again.
You take your break and come bake when ready nobody likes rush work.
I guess this story was abandoned.
¡¿Nadie capta la referencia a Yong Yong de Avatar?!
Me dan asco.