The perfect gift for Thomas became the one thing that thrust us in this new world, I lost everything from my parents to my very life. I'm Anne, and this is my story on how I survived the game of a crazy creature and how me, Thomas and our friends saved the world.
Edit:Gore is not very heavy I will avoid gruesome details but violence and some blood will show up in the story.
My second story on this site. Crossover with Pokèmon enjoy! This is not a normal displace story, there won't be any other displaced in this sorry to disappoint whoever wanted that to happen.
Chapters (23)
I don’t think the author can appreciate how hilariously ironic this is.
NOPE! NOPE! ABORT!!
9026840
Should I?
9026846 If you wanted to get it across to the audience that something took a lengthy amount of time, you shouldn’t describe it in a way that should take me hardly a second to read.
9026852
oh. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It happened.
Just a quick note: the plural of Pokémon is Pokémon, not Pokémons. It's like this:
Over there is a sheep.
Over there are many sheep.
9026860 Also, wrong dash over the ‘e’
9026861
Thak you for making me notice that.
9026860
I didn't know that XD English is not my language. Anyway thank you.
Alright, it's a bit of a weak start, but I'm always willing to give pokemon stories a chance. I really feel that this opening chapter could have been fleshed out more. Yes, the merchant-displaced type of story does have a somewhat formuliac start, but that doesn't mean you can skip right past everything. This is your opening chapter. This is where you need to hook us in. Maybe add some more dialogue. Who are these people? What are they like? Why should we invest our time in finding out what happens to them?
9026954
True, but saying everything about a character especially the protagonist at the start makes the discovery of said character difficult. If I stated everything that concern them immediately then you wouldn't discover their personalities with the flow of the story. That's how I see it anyway I could be wrong of course.
9026957
That's a good point, and true to an extent. But we're talking in extremes here. It would of course be bad as well to have a 10,000 word chapter detailing their likes, dislikes, and medical history but no plot. But you can tell us some things while still keeping details for later. Considering this story; what do we know about the characters so far? We know their names and that they like pokemon. That's not much to go on; there's more information in an average tinder bio. For one thing, what is their relationship? Are they siblings? Good friends? A couple? We as the readers have no idea. For that matter, how old are they? The nature of how we'll view this and relate to the characters changes greatly if they're 16 or 26.
You don't have to spell it out like "...and then Anne, who was 23, called back to Thomas. He was 22 and her boyfriend." You can be subtle. Maybe mention that they met at college, or just refer to Thomas as "her brother/boyfriend/friend" once instead of his name.
While it is possible to put too much detail in the opening chapter, if you put too little then less people will want to stick around to see what happens next.
9027102
I understand your point and I agree completely. You raise a good point I will probably change something in the chapter now that you pointed it out so thank you!
Interesting start, a Pokémon displaced have my attantion
9027244
I'm glad
It's spelt galladite
9028020
Lol I wrote it right but Grammarly decided that it needed to change XD thanks for making me notice
Given my generall distaste for displaced stories I was inclinded to just ignore this, but since you said that there would be no Crossovers to other stories, wich is the worst and most ridiculous thing about this whole displaced buisness I will give this sotie a shot.
I like Pokemon
9034506
Yeah I know why do you bother with a story if you can just call forth an op character to solve everything for you? I'm all ok with casual visits and slice of life episodes but that's it. Thank you for your trust though much appreciated.
I like Pokemon too!
Nice way to fast travel that makes sense. Someone making gates to move miles in no time makes a lot of sense.
Ya know I'm glad you pointed that out.... I'm just gonna chalk that up to discords magic
I'm just gonna go with the theory that they are learning their moves quickly based on game mechanics and not anime mechanics. In the anime they learn a single move over the course of an entire episode, but in the games they just immediately know how to do it once they get to the correct level.
9034970
Who know who put them there?
I know right?
I think I actually prefer that, I mean I like Crossovers too, but I feel like many characters just get stuff done because they get help and they mostly interact with other displaced instead of their own world.
Now I only want to know if the humans are a shipping here or if the pokemon get both a pony partner.
Are they already together?
9045829
Nope they are friends and calling them humans it's not really right now is it? Anyway I also know how many displaced story ruined themselves by taking help and items from more powerful stories.
9045919
Well I think since they were some it's not that bad.
Anyway good to know, i wouldn't mind a romance between them, but I find it a bit more interessting if they get some unusual pony partner.
It's also good to know that you know what I was talking about. I'm going to read it later this day but i already wish you luck with it.
9046848
Thank you
I want to see more displaced stories that work without that guy, at least it's short.
I admit Discord is one of my prefered solutions for that kind of thin instead of other godlike beings that interfere to much with the story or Celestia having that kind of power, but I noticed i don't like it that Discord works together with him or knows him.
I hope that doesn't means a huge amount of timeskips or big once. I think that would actually be a great hint for a potential sequel. That they either train their powers now without meeting a pony or having a timeskip in the end of the story after they already met a huge amount of ponies, because for me it's important to see who they meet and the interaction between them.
Nice they start small, I mean I think that was the english name for the first pokemon in that evolution.
Not a bad start I kind of like it if there is a language barrier at first or if there are actually some characters that manage to pretend they are an animal or an creature that can't talk for more than 5 chapters but I will see what I get here.
9034506
I never see comments like this in the actually displaced stories and it often looks like I'm the only one who thinks like that to others, which is why I'm happy to see your comment here.
It's pretty close to how I think about it.
9026957
It already looks like your characters don't have the personality of those Anon characters or soldiers that say at least 70 times fuck, shit or other stuff in the chaper. Not that it would be bad, but I can't explain it otherwise, which is why I have to say that them saying that stuff always gives me a certain idea about their personality.
Lately I have 70% Characters that act like badasses, colt hearted soldiers, drug dealers or how I image them, hungry for sexy butts and......and...what was it again?,....I think carefree to a point where it's hurts.
Not that I have the biggest problem with any of that even if I sound like that half of the time, but I have a bigger problem with it if that is more or less the only type of characters that I get half of the time and then finally something like this comes where the characters can just be a bit more casual or just nice.
What I'm trying to say and not sure if you noticed that too, I often get the feeling that I only get the same type of character, but it's hard to get the personalities across sometimes for new authors I guess.
The first chapter is to early to judge them, but their little talk already felt right enough.
9046999
I'm really happy that you think so! Yeah I also see the same attitude more or less with everyone in displaced stories, I always try to think what I would do in the same situation that's why the dialogues seems legit. I will put everything I can to make them believable of that be sure if you think they act too strangely tell me so ok?
Somehow right now I wante the stuff with the accidently crossover transformation to happen, only for them to ban the one that wants to come over with their psychic powers and push them back into their own world. Some kind of funny way to say "no crossovers".
I just remembered a good story in which the main char suddenly got herself raped...well not really raped but it was weird for me why or that they suddenly had sex with some sort of girl that was pretty pushy and had that typical "I'm crazy personality"
One more story that destroyed it a bit for me, oh and the whole thing was a peep show for half of the characters there.
I'm not sure what I would want more, they just being Pokemon in Equestria or the whole world being filled with them again.
Nice , I would have accepted both but this is my prefered solution.
I really like your characters so far, I only need to get over the little feeling that something could go wrong like usual, but that has nothing to do with you or your story.
I would like it if there maybe was a chapter about them being with someone, maybe Fluttershy which still would only be able to guess what they mean I believe or Bon Bon ?
I just imaged them meeting someone at some point where they maybe need to pretend they are just pets for some reason to either gain easy acces to an area while avoiding questions or trying to spy on someone. That and I just want to have a little fun with all the akward situations that could happen there.
I also just started to think of hope perfect them being ralts is. They probably would only start to date (if they even do) when they are in their last form or at least second, as if they would need to wait to be a grown up again. I mean if they get a pony partner later which I would be interessted in, if they get someone else than themself.
Just in chase I wanted to give you this little information. While I prefer slow build up romances, I also don't want them to just start in the end of the story. I like it if they get to know each other and in the middle or something they get together.
I also have never seen it yet on fimfiction, that maybe someone has a crush on let's say our girl ralts here and she would not like him right away, but give him a chance.
Well maybe I know at least one story liket hat, but it's always as if suddenly not existing feelings would break out of the the guy/girl that had his girlfriend/friend admiting their love for them. I hope this sentence was understandable.
I like at least akward crushes for comedy reasons too sometimes, before they finally get serious or something.
I got the feeling I was going to add something else but I distracted myself. After the chapter I can say your characters are still as good as in the last chapter and it isn't even problematic that there are two of them either.
Usually either with more than three aditional characters it always feels crowded or the friend of the human that got transported there is a totally party animal/dimwit but we talked about this already.
edit: Since I saw someone talking about this, I think it's okay if they are able to figure out the basic moves/ abilities of their species pretty fastly, they could just learn the stronger moves later no matter if that is level based or not.
I think you could image that they just have to learn actually real controll over their powers to be able to use more moves and different types. That like magic they would need to move their manapool in a certain way and stuff.
9048739
As always you are too kind for me
And also this: "What was that thing with the mushrooms?" Asked Trixie.
Hehehehehehehehehehe
You put this same paragraph twice
9051129
You didn't see anything
9051136
I saw EVERYTHING
9051141
9051143
9051147
I will get my revenge...... One day....
9051149
And I shall be prepared
fast Thomas, let the pokemon in your take over, let your displaced powers rise and activate powers that you would normally years or at least a few days training for.....or not, ah yes I forgot this was actually one of the better displaced story.
I will probably keep doing that at least till the first time it maybe get's a bit weird or something, I just like it if I feel like a story suddenly tries something new or is moving outside the normal chliches.
Sorry if I should offend someone with that, but it is just so funny right now to image several displaced or him acting like those, unleashing ultimate powers upon their enemy. I mean we could have gotten something like a ralts using Vegetas (Dragon Ball) Big Bang Attack against the paras.
This is so good that I have to image them doing stuff in a overdone way.
I like Luna and her powers, but I hope you avoid Luna forcing her way into their dreams for a while. She acts always so bossy and mean in them and don't respect creatures that don't want her there in enough stories.
If there are enough other pokemon there is a chance that she wouldn't find them, that and maybe she has a higher difficulty to get into the mind of different creatures or especially psychic pokemon. I want them to meet regulary at some point and if the main six should be more like the background characters here I don't mind that either. Trixie is a good enough main char here and maybe they can also make her look good.
If let's say a character like Pinkie goes over board I think it would even be okay if the psych...ralts stop Pinkie with their powers and keep her at least aways from Trixie. I don't hate that, but I also like it if characters like Celestia or Pinkie get shown some boundaries or what they maybe do wrong.
I like the end and good job, my bad feeling or whatever I always have when i expect the usual, get's weaker and weaker. Till now you haven't really messed anything up in my eyes.
While I don't see the point in making them act like pets right now, I still hope they get their little "pretend to be" moment.
9051546
I again thank you for your comment as always XD yeah they will be strong but with the right times and training, Luna cannot access their mind fitstly because they are psychic pokémon and secon because there are too many pokémon around to pinpoint them. Next on the list the mane 6 will have a medium important role, the focus will be mostly on Thomas and Anne but the girls will have their moment to shine too. And I can't tell more because well spoilers hehehe
P.s seeing where my story is in the groups I don't think is one of the best :P
9051590
That's alright, I just want Anne and Thomas as well as Trixie have their glorious moment and maybe giving Rainbow Dash the embrassment to be rescued by Trixie.
I only want that they can do their thing at some point and aren't going to be completely overshadowed by the main six or how you say it. I mean I understand some of the reasons why normal humans maybe could not do anything (depending on which theory about how the world works on the human you want to use), but even if they are something special they mostly can do nothing or live trough hell.
If I take a certain story as an example where the main char was pretty damn strong and apply it to Thomas then Thomas would nearly get eaten, he would gain a demonic power that takes over his mind sometimes, he would get a child from Discord because he made himself pregnant with a hair from Thomas or something, then Thomas mother would die, then someone else he likes would die, then he would rescue a friend and hurt another pony in that scene, then he would nearly get to prison because of that and has to serve in a future war because of that.
Then he would find love, make her pregnant and suddenly get the idea that he must go away on an adventure to get peace and get less dangerous before he can come back, oh yes he would cry here and there....pretty much all the time and his life is rather shitty.
Maybe in the future (I didn't read more of that), he actually got a moment of peace.
Which groups? Well I just hope you won't change anything because of some kind of rating. Many stories I like and that maybe go into a similar direction with personality and everything stop in the middle or change to the worst thing I can image, so....just keep up the good work for now, i guess if the right people find this story it will hit off pretty well.
9051726
That story you just told me was beautiful XD don't worry I will do my best.
new chapter plz
9078063
I'm working I'm working! XD
9078102
i just relized something they shouldn't be able to be understude when they talk out of there mouth, because we all know pokemon just say the speices name. but all psychic types have the ability to speak into outhers minds to talk to them and be understude.
9078608
It's a special case in this regard, they uses their psychic ability to speak with others without thinking about it and so they open their mouth and talk to them. All the other pokemon can't be assured.
9078665
oh ok i get it.
9078136
Your wish has been fulfilled!
I approve