Brony since 2012. Autistic. Christian. 38/m, call me Andy.
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It seemed like an ordinary day when attendance was being called, but it hadn't been the first time that Diamond was not there to respond. If Silver knew something, she wasn't telling. In fact, she was getting angrier by the minute. Just what was going on? Sweetie simply had to know. But will she wish that she didn't?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I think I see where this is going, and I'm not sure I'm going to like it.
9989087
There's no guarantee of that, sorry. It's a tough subject.
Your tags for this story are; Equestria Girls, violence, Suicide/Self Harm, Profanity, Drama, Sad, Slice of Life, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, CMC's. Based on that, I already have a rough sketch of the story. Between that and the description of the story, I already had a pretty good idea what I was getting into before I started the story so I don't think I'm as surprised as Winter_Solstice. Emotionally speaking, I pretty much got on the level of what I was expecting so I was sufficiently braced for the impact. Other people might react more strongly, though, because they are used to the standards of the show and the show is escapism from the harshness of reality. Stories like this could simply be a reminder how grim life can actually be which might bring back painful memories and perhaps make the story a little too relatable for some. (Shrug). But that's the thing about fiction writing. It can go anywhere. The show canon characters are little puppets to a fanfiction writer and they could be presented in a wholly different light accordingly. For those who are ready, such things should be appreciated for it's own value. That's probably the wisest approach to any fanfiction story. I suspect most of the readers on this site appreciate it when the show canon characters really act and feel like they characters they know and love, even when they are put in unfamiliar situations. For my part, I tired my best to make such characters feel authentic which I suspect my readers appreciated, but with such little feedback, I don't know this for certain. This story may require your audience to have a broader pallet, but if they do . . . if they can hoofle this . . . then there are probably also many more stories that could potentially be on their menu on this website. Those with broad tastes and loose standards are usually easier to please in general.
There are a few technical issues that I'd like to point out which very likely are mistakes. Copy/paste this sentence in Control+Find. "It left a mark, and left Sweetie even more stunnied than before." I'm fairly certain that stunnied is a misspelling here. Quite likely a typo in this case, because it certainly isn't a quote from a character. Instead, this was narration outside of a character quote.
Another questionable thing I found is: "Silver marched off, shoving another student out of the way and grabbing her back before storming down the hallway and finally through the school’s exit." Did you actually mean "bag" instead of "back"? Because, four paragraphs before that, there was this sentence, "That someone else grunted as she fell and her bag slid a good distance from herself." The continuity of these sentences seem to suggest that Silver Spoon grabbed her bag upon leaving, not her back. She could have grabbed her back too, but why? Was it hurting? If this is what you meant, then is her bag still on the floor? I guess Silver was too frustrated to remember to pick it up.
Possible, but unlikely, which is why I pointed this out.
Yet another question I have about this story pertains to the unnamed butler in this story. Is it Randolph? (Click here for reference: https://mlp.fandom.com/wiki/Randolph/Gallery). If so, I wouldn't expect Sweetie to know that. Sounds like this is the first time she came to Diamond Tiara's house. As such, it makes sense that you wouldn't immediately spout out his name. Why would Sweetie Belle say, "Oh Randolph, it's you!" We can wave the name entirely due to the context of the story, at least for this chapter until he is more officially introduced, except for one thing . . . if it is Randolph, a more detailed description of him could be in order. Sort of a hint for readers to let them know with whom the story is dealing with. If you scroll down in the link I offered above, there are a few human pics of Randolph in there. Personally I don't recall seeing him in Equestira Girls, but those pics are there nonetheless.
Once again I like your distinctive grammar style for each of the characters. That is something that brings the story to life. I've already established that you have a good hoofle on county twang, but you got Twists lisp on top of that. Furthermore you got the crude spellings of the text messages. That's a nice touch! If I were to picture those scenes as a movie, then a pop up window probably appeared beside Sweeties head which showed those messages. If that is the way most people talk like in text form, then I really appreciate that detail.
I realize that the story is incomplete. I wouldn't expert it to be called "Chapter 1" if it was the last chapter. Man, if the credits actually rolled after the line, "She was also crying, and seemed not to notice Sweetie at all." And they all lived miserably ever after. THE END! Wow. That wold be quite abrupt. But yeah. It's clearly established that this is the beginning of the story, not the end. That said, I do have one question about the ending of this chapter. Is the chapter itself complete, or is it all you've written so far and it's meant to continue? Personally, I'm guessing that the chapter is indeed done because the tone of the ending is a cliff-hanger. That's the hook meant to draw the reader into the next chapter. Can't say this for certain, but that is the direction the story seems to be leaning on to me.
9992295
There are plenty of stories in this vein
So, yes, there are plenty of stories with difficult themes. This is one such, and so I say it has a trigger warning and please be careful about continuing to read this.
Thank you, I've located and corrected the noted mistakes.
I don't know Randolph, not yet. So, no, this is not Randolph. Though this fellow will quite likely play a bigger role in later chapters.
I'm honestly unsure if that's how folks talk in text form anymore, I personally take the time to type it all the way out on a flip phone. But that's me. Could use a reference, I think.
Correct, The chapter itself is complete. I am currently working on how best to proceed into Chapter 2 in a way that does not piss everyone off.
For all those who haven't seen Season 5, Episode 13, "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", you might want to skip this reply. This is a spoiler warning.
Okay, so . . . when I woke up today, I had an epiphany. It occurred to me when I thought about the apparent falling out in this story between Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara. When I read this story, i thought to myself even the first time, "Okay. This seems familiar." Then, today, it hit me. You already admitted in another letter that you saw up to Season 6, episode 8 (so far). You also clearly referenced "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" to demonstrate your emotional reaction to it, then it dawned on me that one of the three plot threads in that episode, specifically the second one, is exactly what this fanfic is based on. Once I understood the basis of the core premise, I also realized where this story is likely going as well. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but this story is based on the reasons why Diamond Tiara was depressed, and this story is about the consequences of her not receiving the help she needed when she was still a young child. I think this story is about the natural development of her character when her woes were allowed to fester into her late teen years, except now she'll finally get the help she needs. If I'm right, then Spoiled Rich is the primary antagonist in this story, and the CMC will be the protagonists, especially Sweetie Belle in the beginning but her friends will eventually be pulled into the story as well. I think the CMC will realize that Diamond Tiara critically needs therapeutic help, especially from a friend, and Spoiled Rich will yell at her daughter for hanging out with, "Confused, insignificant low-lifes!" Diamond Tiara herself will also lash out many times throughout this story out of habit and because she's in pain, but deep down she won't repel the CMC completely unless it's to protect them, because inwardly she's also crying out desperately, "Help me, please!"
If I'm right about where I think this story is going and Diamond Tiara does get the help she needs, and moreover if that help eventually starts to succeed to heal her, then I highly recommend adding any one of the following search tags to your story; Hope, Healing, Redemption, or Recovery. Again, only do this if the story moves in that direction instead of something like "suicide". If it does go where I think it does and if you add one of the search tags above that I recommended, then it informs the more observant readers of the story by giving a heads-up and admitting, "Okay, the story does start out dark, gritty, and depressing and that tone does linger for quite awhile, but ultimately this story is about redemption and healing. About recovery from a tragic backstory." Upon seeing that, it'll give the readers hope and hook them into the story for longer. They'll say to themselves, "Okay, I see what the problem is. I see the source of the conflict of this story, and yeah . . . it stings. Now how does it eventually get solved?" Those search tags will them them, "Bear with me. I know it starts off dark, but it gets better."
As an FYI, I think Randolph first appeared in the episode "Twilight Time" Season 4, Episode 15. You should have already passed this episode so I'll offer a reminder. He's the old butler who did a performance dance for Diamond Tiara's classmates because she was too "tired", but she slides in and bumps him off just at the end of his performance in order to trick the others into thinking she did the performance all along, and quite stupidly most of her classmates fell for it except the CMC. Randolph makes a few other appearances later in the show. A lot of fans appreciated the callback and continuity of his future appearances, basically saying to themselves, "Oh hey! I know that guy! Glad to see he's still around, and apparently he's still serving the Rich family". I won't go into detail there just in case there is spoilers, but the point is he is a character that remained connected with the Rich family. Apparently the pattern holds in the Equestira Girls universe as well, so that is why I made that assumption.
Oh my. This... this is gonna get rough...
Tugging heart aside, this is a great start! It could use some brushing-up, just slightly, but overall, you have a really nice way with words. I was pleasantly surprised to see how you described Diamond, there at the end. Not many writers can just openly state what the scenario is looking like, and you did it very well.
I'm feeling like this will go downhill, storyline-wise. But I cannot wait to see how you write the next sections. It has my upvote, and it has my "tracking". Beautifully done; keep it up!
9998811
Thank you very much :) I will handle this well, I promise that. It's a topic I'm rather sensitive to. And, you say it could use some brushing up? How so? Tell me more, please
Looking forward to it!
Well, like:
Most teenagers would use the "@" for "at".
I think that should be "comfortably"?
And then, more or less right after the use of "comfortable", you have this:
Which isn't anything but a nitpick.
Technically, she has, so it might do better with a "further", or simply an "again" at the end.
Slight overuse of "hell". I mean, you have the Profanity tag, so you could.. exercise it a little.
Overuse of "open hostility".
Just the little things, that don't really matter, but just.. support the story.
9999818
Aaah, thank you. I'll go back and address that stuff later. I appreciate your feedback.
I was initially confused with the "9 Comments" and "125 Views" as it says at the top. I thought to myself, "I'm not that late to the party, am I?" Turns out the answer is no. i am the third to view this, and the first to comment on Chapter 2 specifically.
I like it. It expands the story, and I want to know more. I suspect other readers will continue to feel uncomfortable, but I also hope that they are hoping that merely the conflict of the story is being presented here and hopefully it gets solved later somehow. Based on this chapter, there are already hints of it.
Very sad
The plot thickens.
Welcome back, Buddy! Glad to see you feel inspired to write for this story again. I look forward to more, and I'll gladly help you with is as much as I can.
I have a few thoughts about this story. Let’s start with the positives, shall we?
I like the plot. It’s intriguing, mysterious, sad and well-written. The story doesn’t feel too slow or fast-paced. I also like your personification of inanimate objects. Like those:
Your characters feel true to what they are on screen.
And now for the thoughts I’ve had while reading your story. First off, her name is Apple Bloom, not Applebloom. It’s two words, not one. Secondly, you might want to find a way to differentiate between your texts and narration. You can use colors, fonts, italics, bold or a combination. Like this:
This clears the confusion. Also, for texts where you have to identify who’s texting, try this:
This makes the story much clearer and helps the reader decide what’s narration and what’s not. That was the main issue here. Next up: the said tags. A small grammatical mistake here:
You’re not supposed to put a comma after ‘face’. For more, check out Ezn’s writing guide. Really helpful. Another thing you seemed to do quite often. Paragraphs should be separated with either a double space or an indent. Don’t do this:
Either combine them into a single paragraph or divide them with a double, not single, space.
That’s all I noticed. My apologies if this came off as rude, but I just want to help you. All the best with the story.
10387747
Applebloom's name is up for debate as far I'm concerned, but the rest of your advice I'm going to go for. I'll have to backtrack a bit to provide updates, but I like it all. I'll remove the "," after "face" as well.
Now then, the paragraphs were a typo, nothing deliberate there, and I'll correct it.
To some extent, yes, I did feel this came off as rude. However, the advice is solid and worth taking. Thank you for that.
10391606
My sincerest apologies. I really did not mean for my comment to come off as rude. I just want to help and I do have the tendency to come off as blunt.
Thanks for the reply! And good luck with this story.
10392168
There isn't anything to apologize for. For me it isn't the bluntness, it's the forcefulness of your advice, it doesn't come across as advice so much as it comes off as strict instruction.
Still, it is solid and worth using. Thank you for that.
10392907
Iʼll be more soft next time I give advice to a writer. Thanks for the telling me.
10392992
No problem. Wouldn't want your advice wasted because someone couldn't get past the delivery.
Definitely enjoying this so far. I liked the characterization throughout, and I loved the descriptions at the beginning. I didn’t know what to expect, and then that ending came in and had me hooked to see what’s next. Can’t wait to read more!
Well, I am responsible for the 12th like on this story. Only now realized that I haven't done that before.
Also, thanks, Fluterfjackdash, for the opportunity to help you work on this. This is fun! Also provides really decent backstory for one of my stories.
Interesting chapter so far. Again, I enjoyed the descriptiveness and characterization, and I’m curious to see what happens next. Great work so far!
10423267
Thank you very much
So, I binge read this to current, and accomplished nothing on my to do list. I'm not disappointed in that fact, I'm just sad that I ran out of chapters to read
10433216
Oooh, thank you. Chapters 11 and 12 are complete and awaiting my editor, and Chapter 13 is several thousand words in progress. I'm glad you enjoyed this!
Spoiled Rich and Praxton both need to be dumped into a snake pit, after being blasted with a hundred megaton friendship laser
10439289
After? Wow. So... redeem them, heal them, then make them suffer? Wow, wow. Great to see the villain getting enough hate though!
10439344
The rainbow usually redeems villains but I'm not confident it'll work on those two.
Pardon my language, but Fuck Spoiled Rich and all her goons. Coco seems nice enough so with enough encouragement she'll likely turn on Spoiled and expose her for the sorry excuse of a human she is.
What I like the most about the story so far is your descriptiveness and characterization. You really paint a clear picture on what’s happening and it’s interesting to see each of the characters and their interactions with one another.
Jeeze, poor Diamond and Coco...
A! diamooond tiara!
Well. This is, by far, the longest story you have posted on Fimfiction.
Is that a direct reference to Diamondʼs song, 'The Pony I want to be'?
10449009
Sure is!
10449215
I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I love references.
Ooh! More references! Prince Blueblood and the showʼs Season One finale, “Best Night Ever”.
10449222
There's loads of references :) It's fun splicing them in, making them fit. Glad you're enjoying them!
10449270
I am, indeed. I do love a good reference. I'll point them all out Ina single comment next time.
I should thank you, flutter. I discovered Alessia Carla's "Scars to your Beautiful" through this chapter. Through your story. I've been obsessed with it ever since. Thank you so much.
10462094
It's a song worth listening to and taking to heart. It rang through my head for months before I sat down and started drafting this story. It, along with several others, inspired me and still inspires me. I'm glad that it has had impact on you as well. You're Welcome.
music!
fucking infodump!
that cover picture looked like forsaken halfbreeds between homo erectus and homo habilis.
11193364
Ooooh, that's a nice fit!
Damn, man. I forgot how good these chapters are. It is rich with descriptions of the environment, the actions of the characters, and their emotional state. You even color coordinate the text messages.
And very high quality too.
10462094
Story is finally resuming if you want to take a look. Just fyi.
10446880
Story is finally resuming. fyi.
10446984
10443193
Story is finally resuming. fyi.