• Member Since 7th Mar, 2018
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

smirker


E

Twilight Sparkle and her friends are exploring one day and come across a frozen unicorn, they unfreeze him and he sees the new Equestria and is surprised by how many changes there are, while some of his own behavior bewilders and surprises the others.

Note: This story contains Archaic English, so some words and grammar may be incorrect, any corrections will be appreciated.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

I'd recommend you not try to write using "ye olde timey English" if you don't actually know the pronouns (as for instance, thy means your and not my. My would be mine). And unless everypony was completely braindamaged they would understand each other *perfectly* even speaking that "differently". If it was a stylistic choice to denote an actually different sounding language (like how old English was written and spoken incredibly differently from now, example: "An. M.LXVI. On þyssum geare man halgode þet mynster æt Westmynstre on Cyldamæsse dæg". Yes, that is actually English.) then I'd suggest just writing it as they mean and imply Twilight is acting translator instead of writing out "which meant" followed by the exact same sentence with like two extremely similar looking and sounding words swapped out.

Neither the ponies in this story, or your readers, are stupid. At least I hope not.

9917337
I was aiming to mainly have the unicorn speak in Shakespearean English, I was originally going to put a translator at the top in the author's note but decided against it because I thought that the readers wouldn't like scrolling up and down all the time to see what the words meant. The translations are also from my own prior experiences of reading Old English in school, where my classmates don't know even the first thing, so me, my teacher, and other classmates who understood it had to translate everything into modern English word-for-word and had to explain the grammar all the way down to the smallest detail, I appreciate your advice and will try to keep it in mind to do better on future stories.

9917375
I kinda get that, but you need to consider readability. Having your readers read the same thing twice in a literal row is asinine. Just write it in regular English for the convenience of the audience and imply the translation done by Twilight. Much easier to do, much easier to read, much easier to write. Especially since you don't have the neccessary experience to write speech like that, and you don't or can't trust your audience to know what "glaciated" or "knoweth" means.

Interesting story. Since someone posted about the "reading the same thing twice", I'll instead note that 16k words can be rather intimidating; I'm not sure how you would break this story smaller, but it would be nice in the future if you ever write more (of this character, or something else) to have like 4 chapters 4k words each, rather than a single chapter 16k words long.

I'm surprised he's teaching at the school at the end; I got the feeling some of his ideas and/or knowledge he'll tell the kids may be either controversial, or potentially vastly outdated.

9918033
Okay, I'll try to make the chapters shorter, and sorry about the 'reading the same thing twice' thing, I typed those because even though Archaic English and modern English use some of the same words, they sometimes have completely different meanings, if I do use Archaic English again, I'll try to find another way to have them translated.

9918105
I see what you mean by different meanings; I have no idea what's a more "natural" way to present it. I hope this doesn't discourage you from writing more about this character.

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