Sisters VI
"I wanna hold her!"
"Rarity, she's far too fragile," her mother scolded. "She's barely met the world."
Rarity pouted. She had been waiting forever to meet her new sister, and now she couldn't even hold her. That was the worst thing she could be told. Ever. Bar none.
Instead, she followed her father as he wheeled her mother to the car. She rushed ahead to open the door. It magically clicked open as she arrived.
For the ride home, she got to spend time with her baby sister in the car seat. She talked, and the baby listened. Then the baby gurgled, and Rarity listened.
"You're gonna love the house," she said. "It has good food, Mom and Dad." She trailed off, thinking of more good things. "Books and TV."
"You can get those anywhere," her father joked. He was met with a weak jab to the arm.
"Oh, Hon, don't be mean," her mother scolded. "Let her gush. She's excited."
“I can show you my toys. We can play dress up…”
It was already late into the night by the time the family returned home. The stars hung in the sky, guiding the exhausted parents up to the house. Rarity bounced up the stairs. She hugged the railing, impatiently tapping her feet and unsubtly demanding her parents to hurry.
To her horror, they were taking the baby to their room and not hers.
“Mooooom!” She whined and stamped her feet. “You said we’d share a room.”
“And you will,” the mother said, her voice weak. “She just needs to get a little bigger first. Then you’ll spend so much time together that you’ll be sick of her.”
“As if!” She turned her nose up.
“Now head to bed, dear. You’ll get many other days with her.”
Rarity nodded and rushed to bed. She couldn’t help but squirm under the covers. Her mind would not let her sleep. Just in the next room over was her newborn sister. She just had to see her.
She lay awake in bed, waiting and fighting sleep. Once she felt the coast was clear, she slipped out from the blankets, grabbed a book from the shelf, and tiptoed her way into her parent’s bedroom. Thankfully, they were already asleep.
Her prize sat in a crib by the window. She cautiously stepped to it, joining her sister under the moonlight.
“Hi, Sweetie Belle,” she whispered, peering into the crib and finding the baby wide awake. “It’s me again.”
Sweetie Belle cooed.
Rarity pulled the book out from under her arm, flipping to a page she had marked earlier. She looked to the stars and tracked a familiar constellation.
“Mama said you were born under this star.” She held the book up to her sister so she could get a better look. Rarity held her finger out, letting Sweetie’s pudgy hand grasp onto it. “I’m your big sis, so be good to me.”
Sweetie Belle giggled. Rarity smiled.
“I love you more than you’ll ever know.”
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A magnificent tale, very well told. Thank you for one heck of an emotional journey. Best of luck in the judging.
What 9931304 said. That was a remarkable story. Congratulations, and thank you for it.
I'm tearing up right now. This was such a beautiful story, and I loved the framing of it, and how it was used with devastating emotional effectiveness. You managed to tell so much within the contest word limit, and really showed off an efficiency in word use, which is pretty cool too.
I think this is the best entry I've read so far, and I really do wish you the best of luck in the judging.
I can’t echo what everyone else has said enough. This was a wonderful journey through and through. Emotions were high and felt very realistic, and the oblique way you told the story was just right. I haven’t seen the original play, so I don’t quite know how far removed this story is from it, but you did a great job adapting it, from what I can tell.
I wish you the best of luck when the judging comes around—not that you’ll need it! I will gladly lose to this story, if that’s the way it goes.
9931304
Thank you for reading. I'm grateful for your consistent comments through the updates. Best wishes with judging the thousands and thousands of words you have to read. I hope they're all as enjoyable or better than mine. Though, I do apologize for hitting the word max and making your (and the other judges’) job just a little bit longer.
9928568
I’m quite touched that I got that emotional reaction out of you. I sincerely hope you and your sister live a full life of love and happiness.
9931318
Thank you for joining the journey, and I'm still very grateful for your blog post. I think it may have doubled the likes, and brought a lot more views to this humble little story. It especially means a lot that you did so for a fellow competitor. I wish you all the luck in the world for your own story.
9931347
I find myself revisiting your comments a lot. I genuinely don't know how to respond to such kind words, so I just stopped replying to comments. I expect this story to get lost in shuffle. Though, I know that if I never receive another comment, I have yours to read and re-read to make this whole attempt worth it. I hope your entry does well and places. I'm so nervous for the judging thanks to today's flood of stories and now that the actual juggernauts have submitted their entries.
9931633
I’m sincerely honored you believe that my story can place. I’m trying to find a way to correctly phrase it without really downplaying my story, and in turn your opinion. I just know that all the writers involved, including yourself, are capable of producing great stories.
This story is also pretty far removed from the stage play. You can read the first pages of the preview on the play's page (or watch it on YouTube) and realize they have wildly different tones and souls to them. I just took the premise and ran in the opposite direction. The flashbacks chapters with Sweetie Belle and Rarity don't really exist in the play. The DnD plots within the stories are different. And that's just stuff I can recite off the top of my head.
Though, perhaps I should make a blog post or something that makes it clear that this isn’t a direct adaptation and outlines what makes it different. I dunno, I guess I feel the need to justify it since I do take inspiration from an outside source that's not just a FiM/EqG episode. I suppose I'll do it if a judge asks it of me.
9945804
I'm glad to have caught your attention. Administrative Angel is a big inspiration and a large part of the reason why I committed to writing this. Especially that first chapter, so it's neat to see it come full circle. Thank you for the kind words, and I hope you enjoy the journey.
Extraordinarily well done. Very impressed that this is your first story here. You must write in other capacities?
Finally got to finish reading this. I'm not one of the judges, but if I was, this would have a damn strong shot at a medal. Masterful work with word economy, pacing, and with what to say and not say. This feels like fragments of a much larger story crammed into 15,000 words, but it's the right fragments -- and even that fragmentary nature reinforces your story, mirroring Rarity's fragmentation. Each bit works independently -- which is damn hard to do in 500 words -- and they add up to something greater.
Kudos as well for using the play as a base and finding a way to build from it that brought your story out, rather than simply ponifying it as a carbon copy with the same theme and tone. I wish more authors took that approach to crossovers.
9946867
It's flattering, of course, that I could be an inspiration, but also a bit humbling that I could inspire a work of such craft. Thank you, and I hope there's more where this came from.
I did indeed go back and reread this once I'd cleared out my reading list, and it still blows me away. Best of luck in the contest, I think you have a good shot at placing.
This time around I thought I saw a thematic purpose in the 500-word chapter limitation. Rarity was not given enough time to say all the things she should have said, or do all the things she should have done, with her sister. And that stings deep.
Mmm
Yeah, that hits hard.
This was rather incredible. Some fantastic prose throughout, and a wonderful understanding of what was necessary to include and what wasn’t. A handful of moments felt like the brevity hurt them just a tad—the jump from ”if I did it’s your fault” to Rarity looking at the casket came perilously close to unintentional comedy territory, but as a whole, this packed a heck of a punch for its size. You did a wonderful job with this
9949217
I've worded before, yes. c:
9953144
I guess we have 9914825 to thank for bringing our stories to each other's attention.
I never once thought someone would analyze and interpret any of my stories. I'm beyond touched and humbled. Even if my stories try to contain a near obsessive attention to detail, I never expect anyone to dedicate more than a passing thought to them. Thank you for this.
There may be more from me, maybe not. I've always been kind of nebulous. May we meet again in another life, fellow traveler.
9957883
I'm glad that line's getting attention. It's one of the few jokes I spared when I had to kill my darlings in the editing process. Although, my favorite one-liner in this story was a casualty. I really needed the fifteen words. F.
9959629
I'm loving everyone's thematic interpretations of the 500 word chapters. They're all lovely and hold truth to them. The best meaning in art is the one the viewer discovers and resonates with.
Thank you for reliving the journey. It means a lot. This story does reward attentive and/or repeat readings with the little details, so I'm glad you caught some new stuff.
Everyone, please don't get my hopes up by saying I can place. My heart can't take it. I feel like I'll let everyone down when I don't. The kind comments are enough.
9964525
Through the entire writing, editing, and publishing process, I constantly debated which of the last two chapters should end the story. They end on different sides and extremes of bittersweet, and I still don't know if I made the right decision, but I'm glad to see that the published order does indeed work and doesn't pull the emotional punch.
Thank you for reading, and I hope the journey wasn't too taxing, traveler.
9967696
I don't think I've ever been directly complimented on my prose before. Thank you so much. I'll carry it in my heart.
Thank you for reading and your kind words and critique. Best of luck with your other journeys.
May they be worth the read and your time.
This was a beautiful read. Thank you so much for writing it.
Toldja
Good heavens. Criminal that this hasn't received more attention. Pardon me while I go drain my eyes.
I wrote a critique/review of this story. It can be found right over here.
I'm at work so I had planned to read the first few chapters before finishing it tonight. I never got back to work until it was done. It was well worth it. Well done - the word count was the thing that interested me to begin, and the story kept me hooked.
And now I'm crying, and I don't even have a sister. Well done!
All the chapters are 500 words long.
Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.
I'm glad I read this. Thank you for writing it
The 500 words every chapter has is super satisfying, idk why
I'm not crying, you're crying. 😭😭😭😭
Holy cow!!! I haven't felt this invested in ponyfic in a long time. This is definitely worth a re-read or three, but I want to make a quick note of confirmation--ending with this chapter (and this side of the bittersweet coin) was absolutely the right choice. After all that tragedy and adventure, this last chapter was a moment of pure catharsis.
Won't go into much more detail, since others have said all I would. Let me just tell you that this fic was absolutely breathtaking.
Fantastic all the way through. Thank you for writing!
Despite the length, this ended up being a fairly quick read for me. I think a big part of that is the short chapters making sure the story never lingers on one scene for too long. There are admittedly some chapters that seemed to just end, but the short vignette style was ultimately to the benefit of the story, showcasing many facets of how Rarity handled her loss.
One complaint I do have is that the characters sometimes felt a bit odd. Characters launched into physical altercations with not much prompting. Rarity's friends came off as somewhat uncaring, with how they didn't put in as much effort to help her as Sweetie's friends, but there is an implied distance between them now that they're no longer in school together. Rarity and Sweetie's parents seemed bizarrely flippant, but we are seeing things through Rarity's eyes, after all. However, I think you did a great job presenting Rarity, along with Sweetie Belle in flashbacks and via the module.
Ultimately, while I can't say I enjoyed the story as much as those who commented above, don't take that to mean I don't find this to be a fantasticly written fic. Great job.
10220228 Complimenting someone at the cost of demeaning others does not make for a good compliment. The rest of the comment was erudite and flattering. But that first sentence is what I took issue with.
10220344
There was nothing demeaning about it. It literally parses down to "Hey this really feels like something one of the people who do this professionally would write."
10220560 "Someone who has a lot of followers" is not the same as "writes professionally".
10220594
Ok boomer
10220833 Way to show you have no meaningful reply. If you have any substantive retorts to my comments, feel free to PM me. I feel bad putting such a trivial comment chain on a story this good.
I'll also add to the author; you have my permission to delete any of my comments if you feel they should not be here. I am sorry for the inconvenience.
10220851
I could very well say the same.
My second read was just as delightful as the first! There are so many good lines in here, which I can attribute to your ruthless word-efficiency. Keeping each chapter to just 500 words turned coal into diamonds.
God damn it why am I crying.
This was amazing.
I'm glad to see this is back.
Oh thank god! You don't know how much it means to me you decided to reinstate this. It pained me so to find it had been seemingly banished to Fimfetch. Its a story that means a lot to me.
its a shame the original play this inspired me to check out didn't quite match up.
An oddball ghost happened across your fic and read it. Have a review!