Communication has always been a weakness of mine. I don’t say what I feel, or I don’t say what I mean, or how I mean it, or when. Words are tough, unreliable things. But lately, I’ve been storing them up. There’s something I want to say, but I haven’t figured out how to say it yet. Words build inside me like living things, making homes in the parts of me I try not to think about.
Lately I’ve been thinking about everything I remember about you. The big moments, the good and the bad. And the little moments. The tiny parts of you that stuck to me, parts you probably don’t even think about. The small, insignificant things that make you a part of me. I wonder if I’m stuck in you that way.
I hope, one day, I’ll find the words for what I want to say. I hope that when I say it, I say it right this time.
My entry to Oroboro's Sunset Shipping Contest: Endings
And we have our winner.
I really liked this work. It felt like a tornado in a good way.
Damn.
Damn.
All I can say against it is reorienting in time was frequently confusing. Otherwise, this is tremendous.
Honestly I almost didn't give this one a chance because of the too-ambiguous description, but glad I did.
I liked your writing style here, it had a certain poetic flair, although the ambiguity and time jumping was confusing at times.
Fluttershy's characterization also seemed off, but then I also like seeing her with more of a backbone so didn't mind too much, but did at times feel like I wasn't reading Fluttershy and Sunset but two different characters.
Still, a very engaging writing style and the whole story had a dark, almost sinister tint to it that was almost chilling to read.
This was amazing.
I am genuinely sad that this story didn't get more attention, because it absolutely deserves it, and I'm really surprised it didn't get a higher place in the contest; fifth place is almost too low for something like this. The style and Fluttershy's voice were great; it's extremely difficult, I think, to portray a character that's sorta torn by two different ideas -- staying with sunset and how she loves her, and the fact that she has to leave her -- without it coming off as a bit off, or in the worst case psychotic.
This was 100% not the case here. You nailed the internal conflict of the characters, and the external one too, now that we're at it. I don't mind repeating myself a bit cause it really is that way -- I really, really, really liked your characters, the characterizations you used in general.
The storytelling was top notch, too. As I said, I liked the anachronistic order, the way stuff fits into place at the right pace, the way you know that something happened before you see how it happens, and so on. The little echoes -- Fluttershy thinking about how she's bad at expressing herself, and so on -- give the last scene a great feeling of closure, and overall this is a fantastic emotional journey.
At one point I'll write a blog about this contest, analyzing the winning stories, and I'll probably mention this one as a shining example of how to use structure and character and so on to keep your feelings engaged; I hope you don't mind if I eventually do that. I really think this deserves more recognition, so at least I'll make sure to ask everyone to read it.
Really good job, mate. Loved the story to pieces.
Excellent work on this
A spicy meatball, right here. Wowza. Straight to favorites.