All Burnt Out

Everything had finally been settled in the Dragon Lands. Every creature learned the rather obvious moral it was better just to be themselves, Garble's dubious bongo beat poetry skills had saved the day and even Spike was starting to get the hang of lava-surfing.

Well, mostly.

"AARG-glub." The wiped-out dragon spluttered, as he toppled off his board into the hot orange stuff for the umpteenth time that afternoon. "I'll never learn to do this as well as other dragons! I should just stick to slacking off, reading comics and knitting comfort blankets... those are where my true skills lie!"

"Don't give up yet, 'Spikey Wikey'. For a six-stone wimpy weakling, you're not all that bad!" To a casual listener, it might've sounded as though Garble was mercilessly mocking the younger dragon, but his coarse dialogue was certainly a step-up in civility from his abusive behaviour in the past. "You stayed on for a full three seconds longer that time! Keep going, and you might just be able to reach the first turn!"

"Actually, I think this should be my last turn, 'Gar-Gar'." Spike seethed a little at the frustratingly slow progress he was making. "Besides, me, your sister and Fluttershy have to be on our way soon. I'm just glad we could patch things up, and I discovered a whole new side to you I never knew. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to sneeze lava out of my nose. Again. ATCH-OOO!!"

"H-Hey, don't start getting too familiar with me, shrimp. Just because you're alright with being called your nickname by everyone, doesn't mean to say I am. Yet." Garble visibly blushed at the new formal relationship he'd now established with the smaller reptile, which would take some getting used to. "Thanks to your meddling, I've now got every dragon from here to Molten Falls asking me for private poetry lessons! I won't be able to spend half the time I used to getting into fights or incinerating things! And it's all your fault!!"

"What are you complaining for? It sounds like I did you a big favour! Doesn't helping out in the community feel so much better than being a bully or causing unnecessary destruction?" A sniffling Spike grinned sheepishly at the glaring Garble. "Actually, don't answer that yet. Give it three months, then get back to me. You should have a clearer idea by then... oh look, here comes Fluttershy at last. Princess Ember too, she must have joined Flutters to say goodbye to us."

Indeed, the aforementioned pegasus and scaly royal had just touched down for a smooth landing. Their moods were markedly different though, with Fluttershy wearing a look of utter euphoria on her face and Ember with her arms firmly crossed in a thoroughly fed-up motion.

"Ooooo, those baby dragons are ssoooo cute!" Fluttershy gushed vibrantly, until her cheeks seemed in danger of popping under the excess pressure. "I want to take them home with me and love them and play with them and call one 'Smoky', and... but I suppose it would be wrong to remove creatures from their nature habitat for my own selfish desires. I don't see Angel taking kindly to any new arrivals, either. Hey, I've just had a thought! Maybe Twilight can extend our stay here for say, another week?"

"Well, even if your Princess did give you permission, I certainly wouldn't!" Ember fumed... quite literally, by blowing fumes out of her mouth. "All afternoon, I've heard you cooing to the babies in that ridiculous cutesy voice of yours! When are you going to understand that dragons hate that kind of thing? You're lucky one of them didn't get mad at you and burn your tail off, or something!"

Ignoring the pegasus's whispered interjection of 'well, they didn't seem to mind...' in favour of keeping the peace, Spike tried bringing the matter to a close. "A-Anyway Fluttershy, I think it's about time we took our leave with Smoulder now. We may not have been on a map quest, but I don't think we need a flashing cutie mark to tell us our work here is done. Before we go though Ember, there is just one more thing I'm curious about, i-if you don't mind me asking."

"What's that, Spike?" Ember responded, secretly looking forward to their impending departure. Even though she got on with and understood pony culture a lot better more now, a little too much of their softie sappiness could still go a long way.

"W-Who are the mothers of all these dragons? I-I don't mean to be rude, but in terms of population, drakes seem to outnumber dragonesses here by about ten-to-one." Spike was far more courageous these days, but even he hesitated before asking such a personal question. "Considering the lack of potential mothers, I find it incredible that so few could have laid so many eggs in such a short space of time."

"Well, if you think that's amazing, get ready to have your tiny mind blown up even more, Short Stuff." Garble unexpectedly chimed in, with a smug look that'd almost become his default expression. "All that new life didn't come from a 'few' dragons, it only came from 'one' dragon... and you're staring at her right now!"

"H-H-Huh?!" Fluttershy and Spike exclaimed in unison, especially the former, who'd asked a very similar question earlier. Surely this had to be a bad joke! Garble was just returning to his old ways, and teasing them mercilessly.

Ember didn't look to be in a very mirthful mood though, judging by her reaction to Garble's far-fetched claim. Instead, the undisputed ruler spun about to frown at the big-mouthed poet, before releasing a sigh of resignation and turning to face her two Ponyville friends once again.

"It's true. Now that the babies have been born safely, I might as well reveal the truth." Ember told them in full confessional mode, as her visitors's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "If you become Dragon Lord and you're a female, apparently your fertility rate goes gaga. As soon as you hold that bloodstone sceptre aloft on the throne, it does weird things to your biological clock, and before you know it, you begin getting certain urges. Male heirs get super-strength and become super-sized, we turn into voracious breeders. Go figure. It's like an itch you can't scratch... you satisfy the craving once, but then you need to do it again. And again. And again. And..."

"I-I think we get the picture, Ember..." Fluttershy cringed in earnest, wondering if perhaps she should cover Spike's ears for this X-rated conversation. "I know a little something about the mating patterns of most creatures, and even I've never heard of anything like this before! Except with insects, but that's a completely different species. If you really are telling the truth, how on Equestria did you manage to carry so many eggs to term, without your entire belly exploding? How did you live? Plus, there's a small matter of who the father is..."

"Fathers', actually." Ember smirked a little at a suddenly nervous Garble. "Let's just say, as Dragon Lord, it gives me the platform to make certain... demands of my subjects. And let me tell you, the experience isn't entirely unpleasant for any of us. The only dragon who I didn't want 'servicing' me in this way was some lying deadbeat who came from the North. Even in my heightened 'emotional' state, he was much too gross for me to deal with. Sludge by name, sludgy by nature. Ugh. As for every other drake around here... if they seemed a bit more tired than usual during your stay, now you know why. Regarding where I stayed with my enormous belly lump, take a look over there."

An utterly stunned Spike and Fluttershy could only numbly follow Ember's claw as it pointed towards a large cave on the horizon, whilst the Dragon Lord continued to explain just what made such a medical miracle possible.

"See that giant cavern? That's where I lived alone when my stomach went huge. It was a tight fit, and it took every other dragon here to squeeze me in... but I made it in the end. Don't ask me how I managed to stay in one piece during the pregnancies, though. Maybe some sort of mystical mumbo-jumbo from the powers of the sceptre protected me. Who cares? I just felt the way I felt, I did what I did, got fat for a few days then laid the eggs and this is the end result. Besides, maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Breeding rates between dragons have reached record lows of late, with some sub-species in danger of dying out entirely. At least by doing this, I could save them from certain extinction. Doesn't that sound like what a good ruler would do, to you?"

"B-But... b-but..." Spike stammered incoherently, still trying to wrap his head around this bizarre turn of events. "How are you going to look after all of them? How would you decide their names? Why do you look in such good shape, for a creature who's just given birth to hundreds of babies? I have so many questions..."

Ember chuckled uproariously at Spike's understandable confusion, and once her violet laughter fire had died down, answered him as best as she could. "All of that can be decided later. For now though, I'm just pleased all the young hatchlings were born happy and healthy. But the answer to the last one is plenty of exercise, and lots of dips in my private lava jacuzzi. It 'burns' the calories right off. Just think though, Spike... if you were here when my breeding instincts were at their peak, you might have a few little ones of your own to look after now! Missed out there, didn't you?"

"E-Er, sure Ember, whatever you say..." Spike sweated profusely, quite certain that the rigours of catering for Twilight's every flimsy whim and taking care of a nest full of baby dragons would inevitably lead to a nervous breakdown. "F-Fluttershy, shall we find Smoulder and take off? I think the phrase 'too much information' has never been more relevant than right now."

"Y-Yes, alright." said an equally dumbstruck Fluttershy, who had no idea how she was going to describe what she'd just heard in her future paper to Twilight. "I-I supposed we'll see you later then, Ember. Take care of all your, um, children, won't you? And Garble, I hope you manage to figure out which ones are yours from the rest of the fathers, because I certainly wouldn't be able to."

Just as Ember and Garble glanced at each other in panicky realisation that there was yet another problem neither had thought about until now, Smoulder came into view from having caught up with a few of her old buddies. "Hi, you two. I see you're ready to go home. But what's the matter? You both seem unusually quiet."

"Congratulations, you're an auntie!" Spike said absent-mindedly whilst deep in thought, as he and Fluttershy joined her in the sky.

"Really? That's brilliant! Listen, on the way back I thought we could take the scenic... WHAT?!"

Author's Note:

Something funny I thought of after the latest episode had ended, which I decided to escalate to an entire fic. Hey, I like a challenge! Like it or hate it, please comment below. Caio!