At the bottom of Stable 10, the great generator that has kept its residents alive for centuries is beginning to fail. As solutions are sought within, one pegasus sets her sights on the very ponies who built - and possibly sabotaged - her home.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I really like this story so far! The characters are well written, and the content interesting. I look forward to more chapters.
9658487
Thank you, holmesiv! I'm excited to be writing this! I'm a bit new to the MLP fanfic community and I'm hoping that translates into a fresh take on Kkat's world and not the writer's equivalent of falling down a flight of stairs. Also, heck yeah, first comment on the story! Big Time, here I come! ;)
Well, welcome to the community! I know FoE was what introduced me to the show, and it's always nice to see more added to the fandom, especially when it is engaging in it's own right.
Okay,
Elbo-I mean, Broody... I shall be looking at this tomorrow.9659286
Broody. I like that! Let me know what you think about the pacing, I'm all ears for feedback.
Ho. Lee. SHIT. What an opening! I don't even know where to start! Where do I begin?!
The characterisation? Fucking brilliant. Everyone feels unique and separate, with their own stories. I especially loved the relationships you crafted around Aurora between her and Sledge, and her father.
You wanted a word on pacing, and I have to say that not since I read OG FO:E has 18k words drawn me in, held me and made 90 minutes fly by like that. You nailed the pace of events, leading one thing into the next smoothly and easily. The one and only hiccup I found was the small cutaway to Nimbus during the control room scene, other than that, it was sublime.
Your world building and descriptions are something else. Building up a mental picture as Aurora travelled through the Stable was supremely easy. Not once did I have to stop and think about layouts, nor how ponies would navigate their spaces. Everything presented itself mentally in an extremely natural way, and I could almost see certain places like the Stable door. I also liked the cheeky retcon you did for the CMC cutie-marks. Top job.
The prologue, while certainly lengthy, was a brilliant and engaging summary of the chain of events leading up to the setting, and the only thing it's really missing is the dulcet tones of Ron Perlman.
This story is only two chapters in and I'm already incredibly invested in seeing what Aurora does next, what happens to her, and if she succeeds in saving Stable 10 or if it all goes south in the end. This story already has all the hallmarks of being something amazing.
The only issues I can pick out are some grammatical errors here and there, some more glaring than others, and one time where a pony mysteriously switches gender for a line (I can point these out far easier in GDocs than here, so hit me up with a link via PM if you want).
Other than that...
i.imgur.com/sPOiOAF.gif
9660364
Thank you! Absolutely hit me up with those grammatical and pronoun errors, probably best on Imgur since I haven't a clue how to use Google Docs!
I'm glad you enjoyed it so far! It's so different while writing - I go over a scene so many times that it starts to lose its punch, so you guys and gals are going to have to be the folks to let me know where things sound good and which areas feel fuzzy. Thank you for the compliments!
9660723
Oh, god no, that'd be an even bigger pain than trying to list 'em here. I'll link you in PM's to a GDocs crash course. It's pretty easy to use, as it's really only an online word processor with a couple of extra features.
9662774
Sounds like a plan, I'll take a peek at it after I find a good place to save this current chapter. ^^
...given this, I shall choose to believe that Stable 10 is in/near pony!Cleveland, which means it is obviously the best stable.
9690865
Hmmm... now to figure out how to ponify "Cleveland" ;)
The first few paragraphs are a bit eye Roll-y, but otherwise this has been fantastic and honistly real in very small ways. Like how she rinses out the sink.
9754855
Glad to hear you're enjoying it! I'll make a note of the first few paragraphs and see what I can do to clear up the cliches when I start making revisions. :)
So uh how does an earth pony shoot them selfs. The grips of the gun is ment for the mouth but they would need to awkwardly hold it and press it down
9824539
The canon of earth pony weapons seems to shift from story to story, but in this case the rifle was a unicorn's weapon passed down as an heirloom. Delphie's suicide required her to brace the rifle against the floor under her desk and push the trigger away from her, which would definitely be awkward and uncomfortable to accomplish. I didn't like the idea of a clean and efficient death because they tend to feel sterile compared to one that has to be made in imperfect circumstances.
That said, something to go back and polish up. Thanks for the feedback!
A filly is a female foal. Need I say more?
Edit: Also, is it Desperate Measures orDesperate Times? Because you used both.
9987891
Hah yeah, I work with horses and the young ones are packed with rambunctious energy.
I'll swing up and correct the rifle's name, total brain fart there! It's Desperate Times. Good catch!
9987891
Aaaand fixed! I'll have to take more time to work out a non-distracting way to distinguish this fic from the FO:E canon, but that'll be forthcoming soon!
Very stubborn bunch of stable dwellers who don't want to go outside to live. It's been like 220 years since the war
That is why I am stepping down as overmare effective immediately. In keeping with tradition I am appointed our Head of Mechanical, Sledge, as interim overstallion until such time that Stable 10 selects a new overmare or stallion.
Should be appointing
10725365
Fixed! Good eye, thank you!
I've just started this and i'm really liking it. I like Aurora's character and its going to be interesting to see her reaction to the wasteland.
Considering it's your first story in this fandom, I sure hope you'll be around for a while!
11238441
I plan on being around for the long haul ^^
Good story so far, nice beginning. The escape scene is slightly reminiscent of Little Pip leaving her stable. So, now the adventure truly begins.
11411839
You know it! Onward into the wasteland!
I've been meaning to get around to this, and I've finally started. What a promising start it is! I like the dynamic of the ignition talisman vs FO1's water chip - I can't decide which is worse, a society slowly and knowingly poisoning itself on tainted water or waiting in a nest of failing lights and machines until the darkness finally takes them. Well, takes the survivors. Societal collapse would probably set in first in either case.
This is a good start! It's a very graceful introduction of a lot of information - the stable's plight is clear, the protag's motive is relatable, her personality and some of her past are communicated clearly and efficiently, and there's even a twist! The Overmare's suicide caught me by surprise and definitely communicates the direness of the situation. I like the overstallion enough that I almost wish he had gone with Aurora.
That being said, small nitpick: I found Aurora's insistence on being 'naked' a little weird. It's explained well enough that it doesn't feel wildly out of place, and it's helped by the fact that normally ponies don't wear clothes, but the character would function the same without it at this point in the story, I think - though on second thought, it does add a little to her stubborn characterization and helps establish that she is attractive. Those two things could have been easily communicated without her insistence on nudity, though. If that doesn't serve at least some purpose later on besides showing that ponies stare at her, I personally find it slightly offputting.
I love Fallout, and I'm looking forward to a new imagining of the crossover concept.
The idea of cutting the hydraulic line to disable the door was clever. The idea to have her do so without risk of hydraulic injection injury was brilliant! I'm thoroughly enjoying this FoE experience from the viewpoint of a mechanic :D!
Also I SUPER did not expect the poor overmares tragic fate ;~;
9825033
In hindsight I wonder why (major spoilers for later chapters autumn was unable to kill herself with the pistol but delphi was able to with the rifle?
11823141
Well Autumn was a dehorned unicorn who had little experience using her hooves outside of walking. Delphi was a pegasus will full use of her wings.
The description of the generator and it's vibrating harmonics got me thinking, and then the mention of the lottery for an opportunity to have a foal reminded me again. I do a little digging to find out that while this story obviously predates the 2023 TV Series I watched, it doesn't predate the 2011 book series
Lo and behold the only google results for Hugh Howey on this site being comments on this fic and I get my confirmation!
10292122
I remember thinking how Stable/Vault like the concept of the Silo was, so it's pretty cool to see I'm not the only one!
11841287
^_^ Guilty! The Silo trilogy were the books that finally kicked me in the ass enough to convince me to pick up writing again. I adored the setting, the slow trickle of compounding revelations, and just overall how time and isolation can change so much about a people. I definitely used Jules as the foundation for Aurora, and if you've read the books then you'll know I did the same for Sledge as a ponified Knox. The trick was building the story that would unfold outside Stable 10, and hooboy that was a bit of a challenge.
If you haven't yet, I can't recommend Howey's trilogy hard enough. Read or listen to the books if you like where the TV series is going. Silo is definitely condensing a lot of material, which is reasonable, but holy man there's a twist in the books akin to what Ender's Game pulls that I doubt they'll be able to do justice to on the screen.