- Member Since 29th Sep, 2016
- offline last seen 10 hours ago
Silver Butcher
I shall Butcher your dreams
Silver Butcher
Joined 29th Sep, 2016 ·
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nice work.
The idea is a fun one, but this needs some heavy editing. That's not a dig at you, it's observation at work. There are groups on the site that offer up volunteer editors until you can find your own.
Before I read, there's some issues with the description. Most of them are either punctuation or that you randomly capitalize.
Here's a fixed version:
After receiving an invitation Ember comes to visit Barb for the first time in a year. She arrives, expecting to see the Barb she knew before. Instead, she finds a dragoness with the body of a model. Somewhat put off by this, Ember becomes somewhat irritable, not willing to admit that she already had a crush on Barb before she grew into her body. Barb herself mistakes this for Ember not blending well to Pony culture and tries to make her friend happy, something Ember's not completely against.
9622217
I've read the first 10 sentences and there were no capitalization error nor punctuation error, well as far as I read anyway.
Model.
Model.
Also, I take it you only edited up to the last black of text. Things seem okay with capitalization, not perfect but decent, right up until that last paragraph where you just start capitalizing stuff randomly.
9622232
Here's the first 12 sentences of the story. Bold is for punctuation (including when it should end a sentence, and make the following lines a new sentence. However, in those cases, they usually don't need to be made into a new sentence IF a conjunction was inserted between them), underline is for capitalization errors, and strike-through for mistakes in spelling or word use.
Fixes:
1: either "meeting. They" or "meeting, because they"
2: sexually, not sexual
3: "a" implies that it is one dragon, while "dragons" is plural. So, either "a" should be removed or "dragons" should just be dragon.
4: male dragon
5: When, after a character says something, the writer writes "(character) said," the sentence the the character said should be punctuated by a comma, not a period. Here, it should be "mate," Ember"
6: When writing dialogue, say it out loud, and see if it feels like something that would be said. For example, if it feels like there's a short pause after words, then there should be a comma between them. Here, it's "Ember, you"
7: "throne, and"
8: "than"
9: "me," Skullcrusher"
10: either "around: you" or "around, since you"
11: Since this is a list of actions, directed towards you (Ember), saying "you'll" is redundant. As such, "you'll" should be completely removed from the sentence.
12: "decisions"
13: "check. Honestly, I'm"
14: The sentence should end with a quotation mark. Paragraphs can end, mid-quote, without an ending quotation mark, but only if the paragraph after that immediately continues with that character speaking.
15: "gets"
16: "fully grown dragon"
17: "angrily, Ember"
18: either "throne. She" or "throne, but she"
19: Given that it's a title, and "Advisor" is capitalized after this point, it should be "Royal Advisor."
Also, I'd just like to mention, that if Torch was so intolerant of sexism (and homophobia, though that isn't mentioned in the story) that he executed four Advisors in less than a month, then he'd probably make a royal decree or, through some other method, ban sexism (and homophobia) within the dragonlands, or otherwise try to get rid of it. If he is not actually intolerant of sexism (and homophobia), and he just dislikes others trying to force his daughter to do things, then why is this line present?
20: Guards, execute
21: sexist-ass
22: Advisor, Ember
If he does not care about sexism, he would not have said "sexist-ass," and if he does care, then he would have banned it or otherwise tried to institute reforms to the dragon culture or society to get rid of sexism. Along with that, the Advisor is constantly talking about how the rules state that she has to take a mate and produce an heir. Who has control over the rules? Where they made by the Dragonlords of the past? If so, then why is it that neither Ember nor Torch have changed the rules to remove this rule? Was it made by a council of dragons, that shares ruling power? Clearly, no such council exists, otherwise the Dragonlord would have massively reduced power, and probably would not be allowed to execute whoever they wanted with a snap of their fingers.
Also, there's a lot of errors with spelling, punctuation, capitalization, and word use throughout the rest of this chapter.
Interesting premise. Makes me want to write a dragon lesbian story myself.
9622217
Thank you very much
9622334
First I appreciate the editing help a lot!
Thorch is against sexism but he's not the one who killed the other Advisors, that was Ember, should I go back and make that clear?
There is a Dragon Council, the law is that a Dragon Lord may execute any of their staff for a solid reason, a solid reason being pretty much anything.
Thorax's Gender bent name is Mesosoma while Pharynx is Trachea. Just thought I would point that out.
9622856
thank you
I love the premise, but it needs some serious editing. Try to see if someone in a group for editors would be willing to help you out. I think this is the first time I've seen a Barb X Ember story at all here, so I hope it gets better.
9622961
I've taken your advice and gone to an editor Group, now I wait.
Love of the Lord means Love of the Dragon Lord, No Biblical comments
I just finished reading steel ball run so I probably would have made either a Jojo reference or a
'Jesus made me do it' comment
may i get a link to the cover picture? I would love to see the artists other works.
9623098
I'll send it threw PM
Now that’s a job I can make easy money!
9623375
Wish it was my job.
(then again I'd feel bad.)
nice work.
Awesome
Author's notes does confirm chapter title name.
Sliced bread /10
great chapter
Woooooo update
it was ok nice wor
What's wrong Ember don't you like the big breasted Dragoness?
Hey Barb knows the universal way to go down the stairs nice.
Twilight going to do Twilight things nice.
9755914
it felt like the best way to describe what she was doing
nice work.
Just tell her already Ember.
Band name!
Sounds like she’s talking from experience.
Just buck already!
Would love to see this continued
Looking forward to more.
2019
11367896
I swear I'm trying to figure out how to finish it